Should I Stay?

[Avalon85]

I have been in this relationship for 9 months now.

I am gay and 37 years old, and he is 25 years old bisexual.

My relationship with him, as much as it is awesome and beautiful, it has its suspicious moments.

I will summarize as much as I can.

 

During the very first months, I felt he was hiding something from me. Whenever we parted at night, I would take him home, in less than 10 minutes he would be out, hanging with his friends and wouldn't get back home till after midnight.

This pushed me to spy on him a couple of times when he told me he was at home, but I saw him with my own eyes riding the car with some stranger.

We separated once, after 6 months, didn't see each other for a week, till we met again, talked and sorted things out.

However, a month later I discovered he was already dating another man and going out with him to restaurants.

He tried convincing me that that person is just a friend. 

However, he did break his relationship with that man later on.

 

Then, we planned a vacation together, and on the last day, he said he wanted to meet this friend of his.

I acted cool and gave him my trust.

However, after we came back, his phone was left open and well, I did dive into his WhatsApp and read some conversations and it turned out that he did go to have sex with that guy when we were on vacation.

As we argued, he promised me that he has not given me a full word yet, but after these 9 months he does feel that he wants to be with me.

He travelled for 10 days with his family and this time alone is giving me confused emotions.

 

Is it wise to just keep giving him more chances.

I know the relationship has lots of good stuff, but I can't help but keep bringing up the past and doubting him.

Do people change? 

I just don't think they do.

 

 

[Batya33]

I would not because you have already chosen in a matter of months to violate his privacy repeatedly and you don't trust him. His response now sounds pretty lukewarm -a person who truly wants to be in a serious committed relationship (I don't think sexual orientation has any relevance to this particular situation) - would want you to know he not only feels it but wants to act on it "I only want to be with you- I've changed my mind from the past because of X and Y and now I know I want to be with you in a committed relationship and I'm so excited to be with you." 

This isn't about whether people change.  He doesn't need to change as a person - a person who realizes he wants to be with another person in a committed relationship even if he did not in the past simply changes his mind and heart -not who he is as a person with rare exception -and people change their minds all the time -watch When Harry Met Sally and how 'Harry" says at the end when you realize you want to be with someone forever you want forever to start that moment" (something like that!!).  

You don't trust him.  He is still "not sure" (and in this case not sure means no) so stop lying to yourself and telling yourself this is some broad abstract notion of whether "people" "change" - do you think then you can change from a person who justifies spying and snooping on someone they're dating?

[Avalon85]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not because you have already chosen in a matter of months to violate his privacy repeatedly and you don't trust him. His response now sounds pretty lukewarm -a person who truly wants to be in a serious committed relationship (I don't think sexual orientation has any relevance to this particular situation) - would want you to know he not only feels it but wants to act on it "I only want to be with you- I've changed my mind from the past because of X and Y and now I know I want to be with you in a committed relationship and I'm so excited to be with you." 

This isn't about whether people change.  He doesn't need to change as a person - a person who realizes he wants to be with another person in a committed relationship even if he did not in the past simply changes his mind and heart -not who he is as a person with rare exception -and people change their minds all the time -watch When Harry Met Sally and how 'Harry" says at the end when you realize you want to be with someone forever you want forever to start that moment" (something like that!!).  

You don't trust him.  He is still "not sure" (and in this case not sure means no) so stop lying to yourself and telling yourself this is some broad abstract notion of whether "people" "change" - do you think then you can change from a person who justifies spying and snooping on someone they're dating?

You are very right. I have actually never spied and snooped on someone before because people have always been honest with me. With this person, it keeps perplexing me why would he do what he does, when I always told him just be honest and don't do things behind my back. 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Avalon85 said:

You are very right. I have actually never spied and snooped on someone before because people have always been honest with me. With this person, it keeps perplexing me why would he do what he does, when I always told him just be honest and don't do things behind my back. 

 

So you think it's ok to spy on someone if you suspect someone has not been honest with you? So it's ok for one of your friends or coworkers to go through your stuff if you told them you couldn't do X or meet for Y but they suspected you were lying? I would hope that you choose not to snoop because you are a person who doesn't believe in violating your partner's privacy except in emergency situations.  There are many alternatives available other than violating someone's privacy if in your opinion someone is not being honest with you.  

[Cherylyn]

No,  don't stay.

Do people change?  It's highly unlikely.  ☹️  "A leopard cannot change its spots." 

Either accept people as they are or dissolve and exit the relationship otherwise you're wasting your time,  energy and resources on a person who truly does not care about you,  does not care how you feel,  exhibits all the traits of a narcissist,  has no qualms consistently and endlessly disrespecting you.  Save yourself further trouble by being smart with your immediate exit plan.  Save yourself.

[smackie9]

When you are driven to snoop/spy or ague/be jealous/untrusting/ feel insecure...you are with the wrong person. Stay away from this dude. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I agree.. it's a No.

Trust is needed and I say that's gone 😕 .  When one is to the point of being sneaky, following their partner, etc, the damage is done.

AND, he has cheated already, so how could any of this be fixed now?  

If he was that unsure at the time, he should NOT have been involved with you... until or unless he figured his **** out.

I say be done,  IF you are truly into someone, ya don't act out like this!

[MissCanuck]

20 hours ago, Avalon85 said:

Do people change? 

This isn't really the point. This guy is not into you the way you are into him, and is not in a place to offer you the relationship you want. 

There's no future here. 

[Lambert]

Once you start thinking, "should I stay, or should I go?" It's time to go.  Listen to the Kelly Clarkson song, "Walk Away".  The best lyric-- "If you don't know the answer, walk away."

I have come to trust myself and accept that I don't need a litany of proof that a person is being shady.  The fact that I don't know for sure I can trust or believe them is MORE than even for me.  And this is true of partners and friends.  

I don't have to argue with them about it.  They don't have to admit anything.  I can move forward in my life with peace.  And that's all that matters.