engaged & anxious

[MsAin1st]

Good afternoon 

My boyfriend and I became engaged last week.  I’ve been feeling anxious all weekend. I was engaged previously and my fiancé passed away after a medical episode & car accident several months before our wedding. I have had some racing thoughts about my fiancé not coming back home to me… he commutes for his job about 1 1/2 hours each way.  And I feel like I’m in a tailspin about my previous fiancé. I even had a dream about him and cried when I woke up and he wasn’t in bed with me.

I don’t want the current fiancé to be upset with me because I’m having thoughts and feelings for another man.  

I’m guessing this is grief rearing it’s ugly head at me again. And I don’t like it. I’ve not been closed off with him about all of this previously, but I feel like an engagement changes things. What do I say to him? I know he can tell something is bothering me . 

-O

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

 My boyfriend and I became engaged last week. . I was engaged previously and my fiancé passed away after a medical episode & car accident several months before our wedding. Im guessing this is grief rearing it’s ugly head at me again. 

Congratulations. It's great you found love again. You seem to have excellent insight into what is going on and that is the PTSD reemerging because of this life change, albeit a happy one. 

Please continue individual counselling to deal with the past and hopefully you'll have premarital counseling to help with the future.

Your fiance knows the situation and surely understands the impact.  You don't have to tell him your thinking about your late fiance, but do share your sincere feelings so you don't feel alone in this.

[Batya33]

When is your wedding date or when is the approximate time for the wedding ?  I would absolutely not tell him you have feelings for your ex fiancée. Unless it’s part of ending your engagement. He understandably wil not be able to forget that ever. Either decide that you’re not going to react to those feelings by being any less sure and excited about getting married to your fiancée - as he deserves - or call off the engagement if it’s so bad he will know that something is wrong. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. 

[smackie9]

I agree you haven't gotten over it yet and should get some counseling to learn to deal with it. 

This should be a joyful time in your life.

[Kwothe28]

Think I remember your thread about it. How you were still mourning about your ex fiance but met a nice man and had a date with him. Is it the same man? I think its pretty inspiring and nice story if it is and that you managed to find someone and moved on.

However, I think I told even on previous thread that you needed grief counseling. And to go through whole that process before moving on completely. So maybe its not a bad idea to implement it now. It would help you with your train of thoughts.

Congratulations on engagement.

 

[lostandhurt]

Many times a smell or event can trigger old memories and it isn't always pleasant ones.  Obviously the engagement has brought that sad time back to the forefront of your thoughts.

 Talk to your fiance and tell him just that.  The engagement brought back some very bad memories and you are dealing with them and it has made you a little fearful it could happen again.

I am sure he will understand and assuage your fears.  He is going to be your husband so share your feelings so he doesn't worry.

Lost 

[MsAin1st]

I haven’t been to counseling in awhile. I was doing well and discontinued my sessions. Obviously I need some again. Grief is a sneaky son of a gun.   I I’m just nervous to tell M  because I don’t want him to think I’m anxious about being married. It’s more anxiety that something awful is going to happen and I’ll lose him too. I guess that’s irrational but it happened once. So it doesn’t seem irrational to me. 

@Kwothe28 yes, that was me and yes, it is the same guy. We did break up for a couple of months but we got back together. 
 

@Batya33 we haven’t picked a date but have talked about  spring next year.  I am very excited to marry M. We make a good team and have plans and goals for our future together. So I’m very sure if it. 
 

@Wiseman2 we will have to do premarital counseling to get married at our church. It’s a required thing. I’m not sure if it will be helpful or not though. 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, MsAin1st said:

I haven’t been to counseling in awhile. I was doing well and discontinued my sessions. Obviously I need some again. Grief is a sneaky son of a gun.   I I’m just nervous to tell M  because I don’t want him to think I’m anxious about being married. It’s more anxiety that something awful is going to happen and I’ll lose him too. I guess that’s irrational but it happened once. So it doesn’t seem irrational to me. 

@Kwothe28 yes, that was me and yes, it is the same guy. We did break up for a couple of months but we got back together. 
 

@Batya33 we haven’t picked a date but have talked about  spring next year.  I am very excited to marry M. We make a good team and have plans and goals for our future together. So I’m very sure if it. 
 

@Wiseman2 we will have to do premarital counseling to get married at our church. It’s a required thing. I’m not sure if it will be helpful or not though. 

If you want a successful marriage you need to communicate with your man, and this would be a good time to start. Communication is key. If he is understanding and empathetic he's the right one for you...if he kicks up a fuss then you might have something to be nervous about. 

[lostandhurt]

So he knows something is off so what do you think he will jump to right away?

"She is having second thoughts about marrying me"

 Talk to him it will be fine and once out in the open you both will feel better.

Lost

[Sally .C.]

Congratulations on finding love again.

I think you will always feel some degree of sadness & grief for having lost your first fiance. Don't think you need to "get over it." The feelings of sadness just need to settle in a way that you can live your day-to-day life without feeling crippled by them.

The nerves have memory...now you are engaged again and both your mind and body are on edge because in a sense, you've been here before. Your nerves are 'on guard'. 

Definitely I think some counseling would help, however I also think it would be very helpful and healthy to talk to your fiance. I would not make the conversation about having feelings for your first fiance, because on some level surely he will know and already respect that you love(d) another man. 

Are you afraid of losing him? Tell him that you're afraid of history repeating itself. I think you will get a lot of reassurance from him, and even though he can't present a crystal ball to indicate what will or won't happen in the future, it will bring you closer if you're able to share your pain with him.

[MsAin1st]

So we talked and M said he understood…  but sometimes feels like he’s in 2nd place.  That I let my sadness & worries about what happened project into our relationship. And he questioned whether it’s the right time to plan a wedding.  He wants me to think about it this weekend. That was hard to hear. 🥺😕😭

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

So we talked and M said he understood…  but sometimes feels like he’s in 2nd place.  That I let my sadness & worries about what happened project into our relationship. And he questioned whether it’s the right time to plan a wedding.  He wants me to think about it this weekend. That was hard to hear. 🥺😕😭

I am really glad he was willing to be that open and vulnerable with you. I'm sorry it was hard for you.  Better now than when you can both rationalize about the $$ you spent planning a wedding reception.  Think about it and what I would do is if you think he is right I'd put an engagement on hold until you want with all your heart to make it an official engagement where you have an actual wedding date or at least a wedding month.  I'm sorry it was difficult and I hope all works out ok. You had such a traumatic experiece -understatement -so hard and I hope you find peace and clarity.

[MsAin1st]

We talked about a spring or early summer wedding next year. I purchased a wedding planning journal too. I have no hesitation. I like the person I’ve become with M and I love the life we are starting to build together. Obviously my actions and emotions show differently. I don’t know what to do to to show him I’m all in. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

We talked about a spring or early summer wedding next year. I purchased a wedding planning journal too. I have no hesitation. I like the person I’ve become with M and I love the life we are starting to build together. Obviously my actions and emotions show differently. I don’t know what to do to to show him I’m all in. 

I think it's time to focus on planning for the marriage. Not the wedding reception.  You show him through your daily actions and your presence -how you are present - not with respect to buying a wedding journal and the party-planning actions -your daily life with him -are you present? Why are  you just starting to build a life together -and yet you are promising him forever - by getting engaged you told him you intend to marry - why is this such early stages of building a life -what does that mean to you and what does it mean to him?

[MsAin1st]

We have our life together, but not all pieces of it are united. By starting our life togehter I mean living together, making his home is mine too, sharing financial responsibilities, etc. Not all people do these things prior to marriage. 🤷🏻‍♀️  

Iwe are very present with each other. I try to always treat him with kindness and respect. We spend time together talking, doing different things, having fun. We cook and clean together.  I think my actions show him I love him and care for him immensely. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's time to focus on planning for the marriage. Not the wedding reception.  You show him through your daily actions and your presence -how you are present - not with respect to buying a wedding journal and the party-planning actions -your daily life with him -are you present? Why are  you just starting to build a life together -and yet you are promising him forever - by getting engaged you told him you intend to marry - why is this such early stages of building a life -what does that mean to you and what does it mean to him?

 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

We have our life together, but not all pieces of it are united. By starting our life togehter I mean living together, making his home is mine too, sharing financial responsibilities, etc. Not all people do these things prior to marriage. 🤷🏻‍♀️  

Iwe are very present with each other. I try to always treat him with kindness and respect. We spend time together talking, doing different things, having fun. We cook and clean together.  I think my actions show him I love him and care for him immensely. 

 

Yes and that's all good.  I'd put away the wedding journal or change it to a marriage journal where maybe you write your thoughts about what makes a good marriage, why you want to marry him, hopes and dreams for your married life with him.  Shift focus away from party planning which will only last one day or maybe two with the related wedding festivities.  

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

  I think my actions show him I love him and care for him immensely. 

 

Agree. It's good you talked about it, but it's understandable he doesn't want to live in anyone's shadow. 

You're doing everything right, but I would suggest going back to therapy to privately and confidentiality unpack and sort out your grief and what this upcoming life change is bringing up for you.

[MsAin1st]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It's good you talked about it, but it's understandable he doesn't want to live in anyone's shadow. 

You're doing everything right, but I would suggest going back to therapy to privately and confidentiality unpack and sort out your grief and what this upcoming life change is bringing up for you.

M could never be in F’s shadow though.
I know that’s probably not how it comes across, but our relationship is so different than the one I had with F. They are totally opposite. Looking at it, F had so much growing up to do. We were together through college and marriage was just what we were supposed to do next. But now that I’m with M… I know that it probably wouldn’t have lasted with F.  

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

M could never be in F’s shadow though.
I know that’s probably not how it comes across, but our relationship is so different than the one I had with F. They are totally opposite. Looking at it, F had so much growing up to do. We were together through college and marriage was just what we were supposed to do next. But now that I’m with M… I know that it probably wouldn’t have lasted with F.  

So here's an idea - I would not ever compare F to M in front of M - but take those insights and tell M what you wrote but like this "I know you're my person because I'm an adult now, I know myself well enough to know that you and I will make a great team as husband and wife and I know that I feel excited and sure to be marrying you - I feel like I've grown a lot over the past couple of years and I can't wait to grow more and with you"

[MsAin1st]

Thank you, @Batya33. It’s awkward for me to talk to my friend about him. M is her brother. 

[MsAin1st]

What can we expect from couples therapy?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MsAin1st said:

What can we expect from couples therapy?

That it depends on the couple and the individual.  You should expect a person there who is licensed and has experience working with couples with the goal of you two being able to be in a safe place to talk openly even if it's painful about what is going on and that the therapist will faciliate that discussion and perhaps provide input and guidance.  One or both of you might discover you each need or one of you needs individual therapy with a different therapist.  Check out Esther Perels podcast -that will show you a couple interesting things.

[Seraphim]

When we remarried in our faith our “ counselling” was basically a few hours and a  massive  questionnaire. This was it since we were married already for 11 years. I believe they are looking more at your compatibility and what you believe in more so than what issues you have . I could be wrong though. 

[Guest]

I'm so sorry your previous fiance passed away, let alone like that. That's very traumatic. 

I don't think I'd bring up that you are having feelings for your ex fiance. BUT I think it's appropriate to say you're having anxiety around the whole situation because some trauma did happen around this last time you were engaged. 

But first and foremost, I'd get in to therapy, or talk this out with someone at the very least that ISNT your fiance. 

Its very normal and understandable that you're feeling the grief that you are right now. And it's important to feel it and talk about it in order to heal and move on with your current relationship.