I don't know how to feel

[Beefy]

Hey guys,

I am not sure exactly what I am hoping to get out of posting about my current situation, but I know that I definitely need a safe place for me to vent and express what is going on because I am ashamed to talk to any of my friends about what is and has been happening in my relationship.

I won't be able to go into all the nitty gritty as there is just so much but I will try my best to explain what I can so that anyone who reads this may be able to understand what I am talking about and going through. I have been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. Prior to this we had been friends for a number of years since high school. When we first started dating he was sweet and kind, although some things I look back on now and think ok that wasn't too nice, but for the most part he was great, and when comparing how he was to my ex who was incredibly abusive towards me, he seemed almost perfect.

Around 6 months into our relationship, things started to go bad. He began lashing out at me sometimes over nothing and sometimes over very minor things. I have a history of childhood abuse and relationship abuse in my early 20's and unfortunately live with CPTSD as a result. These lashings out have continued, albeit with a few months here and there where nothing has happened, but generally multiple times a week I am subjected to his rage. When he gets angry, regardless of what it is even over, he frequently calls me an arsehole, piece of ***, tells me to go kill myself, says no wonder no one loves me and no wonder I have been abused in the past, I am mentally unstable, all sorts of things along those lines. He has also gone to the point of putting down my career as an Early Childhood Educator and said its nothing but glorified babysitting that anyone can do and continuing on with that career means I am not looking to better my life.

Towards the beginning of our relationship I reacted very emotionally and would often run off and say I want to kill myself or just run off and tell him he is being horrible I don't want to be around him and ignore his attempts to contact me. I sometimes still have these reactions when its been hours or days on end of hearing these horrible things being said to me. And sometimes I have gotten to the point where I say rude things to him, which I hate and regret because that is not me. Most of the time now though I have learnt to disengage and ignore his behaviours. But this only works so as far that maybe 30 minutes later maybe 4 hours later, he will apologise and say he was wrong and will be better. However, only a couple days later the same thing happens. Throughout our entire relationship I have asked him to just stop getting angry over everything, stop calling me names, communicate respectfully and effectively, and to just be nice to me. He says he will, but then he doesn't.

Health wise over the last 6 months, things have been not so great for both of us and has caused financial and emotional strain and of course made things between us worse. He broke his ankle while we were on holiday so for the couple of months as he recovered I looked after him with all the care needs he was unable to do himself, while keeping up with the housework, going to work myself and studying full time. During this time his angry episodes got worse and he would repeat all the horrible things he usually says. I even tried to talk to his mother about it and she told me I should just take it on the chin.

Just after he had begun weightbearing again I received my major knee surgery that I had unfortunately been waiting for for 4 years due to COVID restrictions. In the 7 weeks since I received my surgery, not a week has gone by where he hasn't multiple times throughout the week, lost it at me over nothing. Now he is saying he wants to go and see a couples psychologist to work out our issues. He has said that I am causing the majority of our issues (I asked what it is that I am doing and he won't explain except that he thinks that I'm emotionally abusive) and is claiming that he is not abusive, there's nothing wrong with calling someone an arsehole or this or that and he feels differently about these words and I'm just too sensitive because most people couldn't care less. He has also just come to me and said right now he sees that this is relationship is not going to work, he wants it to but he doesn't know how to fix things.

I am just so utterly confused at this point. I know that I am not perfect, I have my flaws, I can be annoying sometimes, I can feel down in the dumps and I am sure that's not always pleasant to be around. But I don't know how when all of our arguments are started by him losing at me over nothing or little things, and me constantly just asking him to speak to me nicely, makes me the problem, makes me abusive? I know that I can just walk away, although in this current situation is a bit hard because my mobility is affected and financially it isn't the most viable option. But I am just so lost, confused and sad. Is it really all me? Am I just a bad person who deserves all this? What is going on?

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Beefy said:

Am I just a bad person who deserves all this?

No. But you are, unfortunately, stuck in a cycle of abuse. 

Unless and until you find the strength to leave him, nothing will change. He's an abuser, full stop. 

11 minutes ago, Beefy said:

I know that I can just walk away, although in this current situation is a bit hard because my mobility is affected and financially it isn't the most viable option

Have you got a compassionate friend or family member you can stay with for a while? 

You need to get away from this man for good. 

[Capricorn3]

You are in a full blown abusive relationship and nothing will change as long as you stay with him - in fact, things will only get much much worse for you.  The sooner you leave, the better.

Do you have any family, siblings, friends you can stay with?  Also, look into counseling/therapy to help you with your history of abusive relationships.  You need professional help to break this cycle (imo).

[SherrySher]

53 minutes ago, Beefy said:

Hey guys,

I am not sure exactly what I am hoping to get out of posting about my current situation, but I know that I definitely need a safe place for me to vent and express what is going on because I am ashamed to talk to any of my friends about what is and has been happening in my relationship.

I won't be able to go into all the nitty gritty as there is just so much but I will try my best to explain what I can so that anyone who reads this may be able to understand what I am talking about and going through. I have been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. Prior to this we had been friends for a number of years since high school. When we first started dating he was sweet and kind, although some things I look back on now and think ok that wasn't too nice, but for the most part he was great, and when comparing how he was to my ex who was incredibly abusive towards me, he seemed almost perfect.

Around 6 months into our relationship, things started to go bad. He began lashing out at me sometimes over nothing and sometimes over very minor things. I have a history of childhood abuse and relationship abuse in my early 20's and unfortunately live with CPTSD as a result. These lashings out have continued, albeit with a few months here and there where nothing has happened, but generally multiple times a week I am subjected to his rage. When he gets angry, regardless of what it is even over, he frequently calls me an arsehole, piece of ***, tells me to go kill myself, says no wonder no one loves me and no wonder I have been abused in the past, I am mentally unstable, all sorts of things along those lines. He has also gone to the point of putting down my career as an Early Childhood Educator and said its nothing but glorified babysitting that anyone can do and continuing on with that career means I am not looking to better my life.

Towards the beginning of our relationship I reacted very emotionally and would often run off and say I want to kill myself or just run off and tell him he is being horrible I don't want to be around him and ignore his attempts to contact me. I sometimes still have these reactions when its been hours or days on end of hearing these horrible things being said to me. And sometimes I have gotten to the point where I say rude things to him, which I hate and regret because that is not me. Most of the time now though I have learnt to disengage and ignore his behaviours. But this only works so as far that maybe 30 minutes later maybe 4 hours later, he will apologise and say he was wrong and will be better. However, only a couple days later the same thing happens. Throughout our entire relationship I have asked him to just stop getting angry over everything, stop calling me names, communicate respectfully and effectively, and to just be nice to me. He says he will, but then he doesn't.

Health wise over the last 6 months, things have been not so great for both of us and has caused financial and emotional strain and of course made things between us worse. He broke his ankle while we were on holiday so for the couple of months as he recovered I looked after him with all the care needs he was unable to do himself, while keeping up with the housework, going to work myself and studying full time. During this time his angry episodes got worse and he would repeat all the horrible things he usually says. I even tried to talk to his mother about it and she told me I should just take it on the chin.

Just after he had begun weightbearing again I received my major knee surgery that I had unfortunately been waiting for for 4 years due to COVID restrictions. In the 7 weeks since I received my surgery, not a week has gone by where he hasn't multiple times throughout the week, lost it at me over nothing. Now he is saying he wants to go and see a couples psychologist to work out our issues. He has said that I am causing the majority of our issues (I asked what it is that I am doing and he won't explain except that he thinks that I'm emotionally abusive) and is claiming that he is not abusive, there's nothing wrong with calling someone an arsehole or this or that and he feels differently about these words and I'm just too sensitive because most people couldn't care less. He has also just come to me and said right now he sees that this is relationship is not going to work, he wants it to but he doesn't know how to fix things.

I am just so utterly confused at this point. I know that I am not perfect, I have my flaws, I can be annoying sometimes, I can feel down in the dumps and I am sure that's not always pleasant to be around. But I don't know how when all of our arguments are started by him losing at me over nothing or little things, and me constantly just asking him to speak to me nicely, makes me the problem, makes me abusive? I know that I can just walk away, although in this current situation is a bit hard because my mobility is affected and financially it isn't the most viable option. But I am just so lost, confused and sad. Is it really all me? Am I just a bad person who deserves all this? What is going on?

You are living with someone who is mentally and emotionally abusive. It's only a matter of time where it will become physical.

His behavior is absolutely disgusting.

Wait until you heal (f you can't get away sooner with family, or friend), and get as far away from him as possible.

He won't change, and it will only get worse and worse.

 

[Beefy]

He has just said to me that one of my issues is how I get upset when he speaks to me that way and I don't handle it maturely, referring to the times I leave to get out of the house, or when I get upset to the point that I have lost it at him and told him he is horrible and abusive. The latter I have learnt what I am experiencing is actually reactive abuse, which he is telling me is just a cop out and no mentally sound person would ever respond that way to having any of the horrible names or things he says to me, that I am just being abusive.

[Beefy]

16 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

You are in a full blown abusive relationship and nothing will change as long as you stay with him - in fact, things will only get much much worse for you.  The sooner you leave, the better.

Do you have any family, siblings, friends you can stay with?  Also, look into counseling/therapy to help you with your history of abusive relationships.  You need professional help to break this cycle (imo).

I don't really have anyone to turn to unfortunately as I live on the opposite side of Australia to the rest of my family. I feel absolutely trapped, especially not even being able to walk at the moment. I have a couple of friends but I am so ashamed and I don't really want to be around anyone at the moment anyway. I just want to run away somewhere far away.

[1a1a]

Gas lighting to the absolute extreme. No one would enjoy being insulted on the regular. You were correct and wise to be able to articulate that you want to resolve conflicts with him in a kinder manner. He hasn’t made any effort to improve his ability to do this because he doesn’t want to. He likes kicking you. And getting angry at you for being upset that he’s kicking you is absolutely outrageous

Which side of aus are you on?

Even if you’re split by distance tell your family you’re in an abusive relationship. Ok not every family will help and maybe yours will turn out to be one of those unhelpful ones but please at least tell them. Explore that avenue. Even if your abuser’s behaviour wasn’t completely on the nose, he repeatedly does something to you you’ve said you don’t like and asked him to stop. This man continues to treat you a certain way Knowing it upsets you. Bad man. 
 

Small story time. My partner one way or another settled into an adult life where his ability to regulate his emotions is impressively high. He has a visceral reaction to raised voices. I don’t mean yelling, I mean just the increase in volume and pitch that commonly accompanies emotional disregulation. I’m an emotionally reactive person. I get upset, I raise my voice. Except I know my love hates that, he shuts down, he feels disrespected. I feel like he’s incredibly sensitive on this front and it’s not fair, and I still catch myself starting to yell, take a breath, try and say the thing again but calmer and quieter. Because it’s not about my opinion of what does or doesn’t count as yelling, it’s about knowing for a fact my partner is perceiving it as such. As yours should know For A Fact! That him insulting and degrading you hurts you. You told him yourself with your words. How dare he tell you your feelings are wrong?!!!!!

[Capricorn3]

17 minutes ago, Beefy said:

I don't really have anyone to turn to unfortunately as I live on the opposite side of Australia to the rest of my family. I feel absolutely trapped, especially not even being able to walk at the moment. I have a couple of friends but I am so ashamed and I don't really want to be around anyone at the moment anyway. I just want to run away somewhere far away.

I know Australia is vast, but at the very least, please call your family and let them know what is going on.  Hopefully, they'll be able to help you.

[Beefy]

25 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Gas lighting to the absolute extreme. No one would enjoy being insulted on the regular. You were correct and wise to be able to articulate that you want to resolve conflicts with him in a kinder manner. He hasn’t made any effort to improve his ability to do this because he doesn’t want to. He likes kicking you. And getting angry at you for being upset that he’s kicking you is absolutely outrageous

Which side of aus are you on?

Even if you’re split by distance tell your family you’re in an abusive relationship. Ok not every family will help and maybe yours will turn out to be one of those unhelpful ones but please at least tell them. Explore that avenue. Even if your abuser’s behaviour wasn’t completely on the nose, he repeatedly does something to you you’ve said you don’t like and asked him to stop. This man continues to treat you a certain way Knowing it upsets you. Bad man. 
 

Small story time. My partner one way or another settled into an adult life where his ability to regulate his emotions is impressively high. He has a visceral reaction to raised voices. I don’t mean yelling, I mean just the increase in volume and pitch that commonly accompanies emotional disregulation. I’m an emotionally reactive person. I get upset, I raise my voice. Except I know my love hates that, he shuts down, he feels disrespected. I feel like he’s incredibly sensitive on this front and it’s not fair, and I still catch myself starting to yell, take a breath, try and say the thing again but calmer and quieter. Because it’s not about my opinion of what does or doesn’t count as yelling, it’s about knowing for a fact my partner is perceiving it as such. As yours should know For A Fact! That him insulting and degrading you hurts you. You told him yourself with your words. How dare he tell you your feelings are wrong?!!!!!

I know, I’ve tried to explain this to him, that if your issue with me is me getting upset when you speak like that why don’t you just stop treating me that way, because I’m only upset because you’re doing that. His response is always 1. Your responses don’t need to be so extreme and 2. You can’t just say you’re only getting upset because I am doing this because that means you’re not taking responsibility for your actions, you decide to react that way and that’s your problem to deal with.

Then he goes on about how it takes 2 to tango and I have my part I’m playing and I’m making things worse.

 

In regards to my location. I’m in Victoria and my family is over in Western Australia. Right now I can’t fly because of the surgery, I still need to wait a tiny bit until I can get clearance because I am at a high risk for developing DVT. But also trying to pack up my things and everything is near impossible at the moment because of my lack of mobility. I really don’t want to have to go back there either, I left for a multitude of reasons but even just going back over Christmas I found very triggering. I’m in a bit of a *** situation, rock and a hard place.

[Kwothe28]

Its a cycle of abuse. He isolated in in some Australian deserted land, you have no friends and family nearby, and he is emotionally abusive to you. Then he gets apologetic until he starts again. That is literally school case of "abusive relationship" to a T. 

You need to get your stuff and leave. You luckily are not married and dont have kids with this Ahole. So you can freely leave without any attachments. I suggest you take up that route.

[MissCanuck]

Can you open up to one of these friends you mentioned? 

I know you feel ashamed but there's no reason to be. The only one who should be ashamed is him. Perhaps if nothing else (for now, at least) your friends can provide a healthy outlet for your feelings. 

And don't bother trying to explain anything to your boyfriend. Abusers are never interested in listening, and certainly not open to rational conversation about their abuse. Save your energy and start working on an exit plan instead. 

[Beefy]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its a cycle of abuse. He isolated in in some Australian deserted land, you have no friends and family nearby, and he is emotionally abusive to you. Then he gets apologetic until he starts again. That is literally school case of "abusive relationship" to a T. 

You need to get your stuff and leave. You luckily are not married and dont have kids with this Ahole. So you can freely leave without any attachments. I suggest you take up that route.

Yeah and having been in abusive situations before I know exactly what he is doing, but he somehow thinks he isn’t abusive and even said that if he is to admit to being abusive then I must be abusive too.

I will work out the best way to handle this and leave, unfortunately I can’t just up and go right now. I also have to organise so many other things in relation to my health because I receive monthly treatment for my primary immune deficiency and currently awaiting on a biopsy to tell me if I have thyroid cancer.

[Beefy]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Can you open up to one of these friends you mentioned? 

I know you feel ashamed but there's no reason to be. The only one who should be ashamed is him. Perhaps if nothing else (for now, at least) your friends can provide a healthy outlet for your feelings. 

And don't bother trying to explain anything to your boyfriend. Abusers are never interested in listening, and certainly not open to rational conversation about their abuse. Save your energy and start working on an exit plan instead. 

I know that I could open up to them but I just feel so vulnerable and I know I shouldn’t but I do feel ashamed and I’m just scared. I’m not in a very good place right now mentally. I will try to work up the courage, it’s just hard.

[1a1a]

Where abouts in vic specific?

[Beefy]

12 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Where abouts in vic specific?

Melbourne

[1a1a]

Ahhhhh the town of people who are friendlier than Adelaideians with a terrific live music scene!
 

Trying to find one neat and tidy list of numbers for you to call and not quite winning but that 1800 number could be a good start. Don’t think just cos your guy doesn’t hit you you don’t qualify for support, you do, you doooooo.

 

And calling this number doesn’t mean leaving straight away, consider it information gathering.