Hey guys,
I am not sure exactly what I am hoping to get out of posting about my current situation, but I know that I definitely need a safe place for me to vent and express what is going on because I am ashamed to talk to any of my friends about what is and has been happening in my relationship.
I won't be able to go into all the nitty gritty as there is just so much but I will try my best to explain what I can so that anyone who reads this may be able to understand what I am talking about and going through. I have been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. Prior to this we had been friends for a number of years since high school. When we first started dating he was sweet and kind, although some things I look back on now and think ok that wasn't too nice, but for the most part he was great, and when comparing how he was to my ex who was incredibly abusive towards me, he seemed almost perfect.
Around 6 months into our relationship, things started to go bad. He began lashing out at me sometimes over nothing and sometimes over very minor things. I have a history of childhood abuse and relationship abuse in my early 20's and unfortunately live with CPTSD as a result. These lashings out have continued, albeit with a few months here and there where nothing has happened, but generally multiple times a week I am subjected to his rage. When he gets angry, regardless of what it is even over, he frequently calls me an arsehole, piece of ***, tells me to go kill myself, says no wonder no one loves me and no wonder I have been abused in the past, I am mentally unstable, all sorts of things along those lines. He has also gone to the point of putting down my career as an Early Childhood Educator and said its nothing but glorified babysitting that anyone can do and continuing on with that career means I am not looking to better my life.
Towards the beginning of our relationship I reacted very emotionally and would often run off and say I want to kill myself or just run off and tell him he is being horrible I don't want to be around him and ignore his attempts to contact me. I sometimes still have these reactions when its been hours or days on end of hearing these horrible things being said to me. And sometimes I have gotten to the point where I say rude things to him, which I hate and regret because that is not me. Most of the time now though I have learnt to disengage and ignore his behaviours. But this only works so as far that maybe 30 minutes later maybe 4 hours later, he will apologise and say he was wrong and will be better. However, only a couple days later the same thing happens. Throughout our entire relationship I have asked him to just stop getting angry over everything, stop calling me names, communicate respectfully and effectively, and to just be nice to me. He says he will, but then he doesn't.
Health wise over the last 6 months, things have been not so great for both of us and has caused financial and emotional strain and of course made things between us worse. He broke his ankle while we were on holiday so for the couple of months as he recovered I looked after him with all the care needs he was unable to do himself, while keeping up with the housework, going to work myself and studying full time. During this time his angry episodes got worse and he would repeat all the horrible things he usually says. I even tried to talk to his mother about it and she told me I should just take it on the chin.
Just after he had begun weightbearing again I received my major knee surgery that I had unfortunately been waiting for for 4 years due to COVID restrictions. In the 7 weeks since I received my surgery, not a week has gone by where he hasn't multiple times throughout the week, lost it at me over nothing. Now he is saying he wants to go and see a couples psychologist to work out our issues. He has said that I am causing the majority of our issues (I asked what it is that I am doing and he won't explain except that he thinks that I'm emotionally abusive) and is claiming that he is not abusive, there's nothing wrong with calling someone an arsehole or this or that and he feels differently about these words and I'm just too sensitive because most people couldn't care less. He has also just come to me and said right now he sees that this is relationship is not going to work, he wants it to but he doesn't know how to fix things.
I am just so utterly confused at this point. I know that I am not perfect, I have my flaws, I can be annoying sometimes, I can feel down in the dumps and I am sure that's not always pleasant to be around. But I don't know how when all of our arguments are started by him losing at me over nothing or little things, and me constantly just asking him to speak to me nicely, makes me the problem, makes me abusive? I know that I can just walk away, although in this current situation is a bit hard because my mobility is affected and financially it isn't the most viable option. But I am just so lost, confused and sad. Is it really all me? Am I just a bad person who deserves all this? What is going on?
