Suddenly sexless

[RainbowButterfly]

Hi this is my first post. My boyfriend and I have been together for 12 months. At the very beginning of the relationship he was upfront and disclosed that he has ED (the result of a bike accident when he was a teenager) and needs medication to get things going. Our sex life, whilst infrequent, was still good. About 4 months ago he had a blood test which revealed he has very high cholesterol. He has been working hard to change his diet and lifestyle (he was a smoker at the time) to get his cholesterol down and avoid needing to go on medication. We have not have sex in 4 months. We haven’t really spoken about it in detail but he tells me that he can’t get a prescription for his ED medication whilst his cholesterol is so high as he is at risk of a heart attack. I fully accept this and of course support him in doing what he’s doing. What bothers me is that I have found some ED medication in his medicine bag with a couple of tablets missing. I also saw on his phone (I wasn’t snooping, he let me use his phone and I happened to see his search) that he has searched for porn. I understand everyone looks at porn. That’s not the problem. By why is that ok but he can’t have sex with me?! 
Sorry for the long rant 

[Batya33]

You've been with him a year.  You weren't snooping.  Tell him you're confused by what you saw.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, RainbowButterfly said:

. We have not have sex in 4 months. We haven’t really spoken about it in detail but he tells me that he can’t get a prescription for his ED medication whilst his cholesterol is so high as he is at risk of a heart attack

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Masturbation is not as strenuous as sexual activity. Unfortunately you're sexually incompatible. Even if it's due to medical issues, it's not going to help. You're already building up hurt and resentment and that's not great for either of you. Unfortunately you may have to let him go.

[RainbowButterfly]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Masturbation is not as strenuous as sexual activity. Unfortunately you're sexually incompatible. Even if it's due to medical issues, it's not going to help. You're already building up hurt and resentment and that's not great for either of you. Unfortunately you may have to let him go.

Thank you. He is 41. Sex is an important part of a relationship to me. It’s not the be all and end all but I feel it needs to exist to work. Otherwise I would just consider it to be a friendship. I struggle to communicate my feelings about this to him. I don’t want to jeopardise anything but maybe by bringing it up it will give me an answer about whether it can work long term or if it’s time to call it quits 🤷‍♀️

[Kampuniform3]

Porn and sex are at a wide variance to each other.

If he’s been experiencing some health issues, the thought of a very strenuous activity might not be at the top of his list.

He’s probably very self conscious of his health issues, and in particular how it relates to sex, and is undoubtedly very ashamed, as being fully functional is a core issue with men.

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, RainbowButterfly said:

I don’t want to jeopardise anything

See this is where many of us get stuck.  We are unhappy with something but afraid of bringing it up as it may signal the end of the relationship.  Thin about it though.  If you don't bring it up won't the relationship end anyways sooner or later?  By being proactive it gives you both a chance to work it out before it goes to far. 

 It has been a year and sex is important to you in a relationship so if he is unable or unwilling for what ever reason the you should know as soon as possible shouldn't you? 

Funny how having sex is so much easier than talking about it...

 Lost

[Kampuniform3]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

See this is where many of us get stuck.  We are unhappy with something but afraid of bringing it up as it may signal the end of the relationship.  Thin about it though.  If you don't bring it up won't the relationship end anyways sooner or later?  By being proactive it gives you both a chance to work it out before it goes to far. 

 It has been a year and sex is important to you in a relationship so if he is unable or unwilling for what ever reason the you should know as soon as possible shouldn't you? 

Funny how having sex is so much easier than talking about it...

 Lost

Well, it shouldn’t be at the top of the list if you’re thinking long-term, as men aren’t wired that way.  Men don’t have sex for the same reason that women do.  
 

Every man that I’ve ever met sees it as a chore, like doing the dishes, after a few years, and can only sustain things with a very active imagination. 
 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, RainbowButterfly said:

Thank you. He is 41. Sex is an important part of a relationship to me. It’s not the be all and end all but I feel it needs to exist to work. Otherwise I would just consider it to be a friendship. I struggle to communicate my feelings about this to him. I don’t want to jeopardise anything but maybe by bringing it up it will give me an answer about whether it can work long term or if it’s time to call it quits 🤷‍♀️

So without intercourse it would just be a friendship? That's fine if that is your standard (I mean I can think of many couples who can no longer have intercourse but are sexual/romantic etc and absolutely not just friends) - if that is your standard I am really surprised you dated him in the first place since this is the one thing he cannot give you with any consistency.  Were you just friends when you were dating and before you had intercourse?

Would you consider being sexual but without penetration of intercourse? Consider all of this. I do think you need to ask him -no need to "communicate your feelings" - it's a question of "you said you cannot have intercourse right now and yet you are watching porn -I assume then you can get an erection?"  Be curious, not furious, as the late Dr. Joy Browne used to advise.  

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, RainbowButterfly said:

. About 4 months ago he had a blood test which revealed he has very high cholesterol. he tells me that he can’t get a prescription for his ED medication whilst his cholesterol is so high as he is at risk of a heart attack.

4 mos ago you talked about it and he told you his doctors basically said he's a walking heart attack waiting to happen.  So there's nothing to take personally.  I'm not sure admitting you looked through his phone or medications will help your relationship or his fear of having a heart attack. It's very sad, but unfortunately you may have to find a way out of the relationship.

[lostandhurt]

10 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

Well, it shouldn’t be at the top of the list if you’re thinking long-term, as men aren’t wired that way.  Men don’t have sex for the same reason that women do.  
 

Every man that I’ve ever met sees it as a chore, like doing the dishes, after a few years, and can only sustain things with a very active imagination. 
 

Wow really?  I have never viewed it as a chore and loved giving pleasure to my partner which in fact the more she responded to my touch the more I wanted her. 

 Either I am a rarity or you had a run of bad luck with men.

Lost

[tattoobunnie]

Maybe try a penis pump?  I am not joking.

[1a1a]

Would he want to pleasure you in other ways while he’s sorting his health out?

[Andrina]

I would probably say that if I were in his same position, instead of no intimacy with my partner, I would still regularly please my partner with oral, etc., instead of making them be frustrated and dissatisfied.

There's actually a possibility he's lied about an injury and can't get it up because he's addicted to porn, because many people addicted no longer get as turned on by a real-live human being. 

At only a year in, if it were me, I'd no longer invest any more time in a dissatisfying relationship. Even at the beginning, you say it was infrequent. Why sacrifice your one precious life to someone who won't be satisfying you in this area, even if he is a good partner in other ways? I'd call that settling.

[spinstermanquee]

Rainbow, sorry to hear you are going through this.  The part I don't get is (and others have mentioned it as well) so what he can't do the coitus thing right now?  It's only ONE item on a very big and varied menu.  Why isn't he collaborating with you on what he CAN safely do instead of keeping his pleasure to himself and not sharing any of it with you or demonstrating any concern for your needs?  Seems selfish and self-centered to me.

I went through a period of time with my husband when he started taking medication for a condition that weakened his ability to get and maintain an erection.  However, he could still achieve climax.  So we adjusted our activities accordingly and I get a lot more time being served my favorite menu items than I did previously!  🙂

In my case, we made it work.  Hope you can too, and if it's not to be, it's not to be.  It's not fair for one party to take sexual intimacy off the table unilaterally, without agreement of partner.  He didn't even give you a say, he just trashed the menu 😉  Good luck.