Family Issues - Please help!

[asp2021]

I have found myself in a really difficult place in my marriage of just over a year. My husband lived next door to his parents when we met. Literally sharing the yard. I had to really consider this, because I was living alone and selling my house to move into his. I ultimately decided that, while we had some boundaries to establish, his parents aren’t problematic. 

 

Fast forward to two weeks after the wedding and my mother in law proclaimed that my husband’s brother and his wife are “moving home”. I had asked my husband this exact question - if they would ever want to move back - prior to marriage and he said no. This creates a whole problem. My sister in law has NO boundaries. They have gone from visiting 4-5 times a year while we were dating to 2x a month. They do plan to move, but don’t know when. I have come to resent them to the point of taking a vacation every time they come. It is hard to set boundaries when we share a yard. Moving away is not an option for reasons I won’t go into for anonymity. We could build a house on another part of the property, but that would compromise my husband’s ability to do his job AND is feels like allowing them to force us from the home we are trying to build together. 

They also had a baby right after we got married and my SIL quit her job and now does NOTHING except post about her perfect life on social media. No cleaning, cooking, nothing. She had a baby and she no longer has to contribute anything else. 

I can’t find an answer that doesn’t result in misery for someone. Please help me find perspective. I am currently on vacation again, using up my vacation days and resources because I can no longer smile and pretend. 

 

 

[Andrina]

You can unfollow her on social media and not see her posts.

I don't get what you mean by visiting twice a month. Do you mean they stay in your in-laws house for the weekend or what? What do you mean by your SIL not having boundaries. Does she knock on your door and hangs out in your home? Is your husband a wimp and won't speak up to set boundaries? Does he ignore your request of setting boundaries?

[catfeeder]

Have these people moved into your actual home? What, specifically, are any of them saying or doing to you that bothers you?

I agree with @Andrina about the social media. Sure, you could dislike it whether they post from next door or from another continent if you keep reading it, so why read it?

Maybe we could better help if you get more specific about who is doing what to upset you?

[shouldhavelearned]

Have a family meeting and talk about it.

Yes, agree with limiting social media and possibly unfollow if it's really that bad 

[asp2021]

24 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Have these people moved into your actual home? What, specifically, are any of them saying or doing to you that bothers you?

I agree with @Andrina about the social media. Sure, you could dislike it whether they post from next door or from another continent if you keep reading it, so why read it?

Maybe we could better help if you get more specific about who is doing what to upset you?

My in laws house (next door to ours and in the same yard) is very large. They have recently moved into the downstairs apartment, leaving the 3 floors above “community property” for guests to use when they visit. That immediately turned into my brother in law and his wife staying there very frequently, taking over more and more space each time. One example is we recently had guests and they couldn’t stay in the house because it was left with all the bedrooms cluttered up with their belongings and the sheets unwashed as if they live there. My SIL makes herself at home coming over to our house (not inside), taking pics of my landscaping for her social media, even coming onto the porch at times, just wandering around “walking her dog”. If I am outside, it invites conversation. One morning, I was leaving for work and she was standing next to my porch watching videos. If we go to the pool, she follows us. 

I rarely have any warning that they are coming. It is just “oh and by the way” and suddenly the expectation is dinner with them every night. I stopped doing the dinners, but it makes it awkward, so now I just leave altogether. 

My husband keeps saying he will talk to his brother. He is supposed to have a conversation with him while I am gone. I honestly don’t know what to do if he hasn’t. I just don’t think, given the stress I feel when they visit, that I can live that close to them. 

 

[asp2021]

My husband and I have a great relationship, aside from all this. I am just struggling with this whole “bait and switch” about our living situation. It isn’t that he lied, he really had no reason to believe they would move from a city to a county that doesn’t even have a decent restaurant. He answered the question based on an assumption. I know this puts him in a really tough spot. 

[Jaunty]

I think YOU need to establish boundaries.  From your description of the situation, I don't really understand why you are so livid about this.  

Why do feel that your in-laws shouldn't be able to do whatever they like with the top 3 floors of their own home?

You and your husband have your own home.  Why don't you look into building a fence so you can have a private yard to yourselves too?

[Kwothe28]

So essentially you got "Everybody Loves Raymond" situation but instead of annoying MIL you got annoying SIL?

Your husband brother and SIL are probably counting on inheriting the other home. Hence why moving they are moving in. You got the other home so they want to take over your MIL and FIL home in time. Unfortunately for you that would mean they would be there forever. So aside of building your home somewhere else, there is no other solution, you are stuck with them. Limit your contact with them if you dont like them and dont hang out. You are not sharing a home, you are sharing a yard. It shouldnt be that hard to limit a contact.

[Andrina]

What is this, a farm? Why does he need to live on family property?

In your situation as it is now, your SIL sounds bored and she apparently likes you. I know she annoys you, but if you're in total avoidance mode, you'll be creating a toxic foundation whereas all future gatherings will be full of tension, and you won't have the benefit of a fun relationship with your niece or nephew, who will likely be a playmate for your children if you plan on having children.

What would I do? I'd probably actually make some plans with the SIL, getting to know her better. And then when you feel the need to place boundaries, with your regular friendliness, the boundaries will come across softer, i.e, when she follows you to the pool, you can say, "This is me and hubby's couple time. I hope you understand."

Perhaps explain in one of your discussions with the SIL, whatever suits how you really feel, such as, "My work is stressful so I need a lot of solo time to decompress." Or, "Really, I'm an introvert, so I'm sorry if I appear tense at times, but I like to limit social activities so I'm not overwhelmed."

As said, if you can't move, create a haven by planting fast growing tall trees to block your view from the other house, and put in a fence with a gate which you could even lock if they all still can't take a hint.

[itsallgrand]

Every time SIL is creeping around, be all happy and recruit her for labour. So glad you are here, we need help putting up fence. Lol. 

I grew up in the country with a constant stream of family and others constantly popping up unannounced. You'd wake up and someone's pounding on the door wanting coffee and breakfast. It annoyed me growing up, but I saw how my mom dealt with the useless ones. First talk of chipping in, they'd suddenly have something very important to do.

You can't change this communal type dynamic while living on the property. But you can either get SIL being useful or scared away from hanging around your house. 

I have a feeling the baby will suddenly really need her attention if there's work to do.

 

[smackie9]

Tall fences make better neighbors. I suggest you build a fence around your house with locked gates. 

[asp2021]

I really am an introvert and didn’t grow up close to my family, so this dynamic is so different from my normal way of operating. I really need an external gauge. Someone in the thread guessed correctly, it is a large working farm and my husband stayed to run it while his brother moved away after college. That adds another level of resentment. Suddenly they can just move back and we either have to deal with it or uproot ourselves. I am trying hard to process it all. We did have a family meeting of sorts and I explained as best as I could that I am struggling with what feels like communal living. They pretended to understand but ultimately said “there is room for all of us”. I don’t feel like I have much say in that. It IS their property too

[tattoobunnie]

On 7/6/2023 at 10:55 PM, asp2021 said:

They have recently moved into the downstairs apartment...One morning, I was leaving for work and she was standing next to my porch watching videos. If we go to the pool, she follows us. 

She sounds incredibly broke (why they had to move home), and lonely.  Trust me, she is awkward, depressed, and trying to create any excuse to hang out.  I've been in her spot before, the whole moving home, and having zero friends because I lived away for years and years.  I am in NY where it takes 3 years to feel good in your skin.  She just got there, and needs time to decompress.  Not sure if it makes you feel better, but she's not in a good spot despite what she posts on her social media.