I keep messing up relationships. I don’t know what’s wrong with me

[Looktothesky]

She gave me another chance and I messed up again. The same things keep happening. I’m so sick of myself, Im sick of the anguish and pain. I will not find another person like her and I  feel like messing this up is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I feel so trapped inside myself. I wish I was just gone.

[shouldhavelearned]

Need some more information

 

Be strong and stick around so you can tell us more 

[Looktothesky]

I am terrible about keeping things inside until they bubble over. Basically it happened again and ruined our weekend. We have just moved in together too. And we got back together one of the agreements was that I’d be in therapy regularly. I’ve had serious problems lately being able to get simple things done so I’ve been putting it off for months to the detriment of myself and our relationship. I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I just wish she would have faith. But I haven’t given her much reason to believe. I feel like such a loser.

[boltnrun]

Is this the woman who you were supposed to introduce to your mother but you ended up cancelling? And you did things like ignore her messages and stop communicating with her?

You said at that time you were in therapy and that you would NOT cancel your appointment. Did you follow through with therapy or did you cancel?

[Looktothesky]

It is. We reconnected and she’s met my family and everything. I was in therapy but really did not like the person that my old therapist referred me to. I ended up canceling one of the sessions and then not going again. The plan was to keep trying to find someone but I’ve felt so stuck this whole year with taking care of myself.  Now of course I’m trying again but it took all this for that to happen. And this is just the start of the whole cycle. I’m not that smart, but I don’t know how I can be this dumb. I’m stuck in an awful pattern and every time things are good I must deep down think “well everything’s fixed now” and just stop trying. The same thing just keeps on happening. 

[boltnrun]

Do you eat every day? Or do you just tell yourself "I ate three days ago so I'm good, my hunger is 'fixed' now."

Do you want to change this pattern or not? Because the fact that you keep doing the same thing over and over leads me to conclude you don't really want a love relationship. You'd rather be alone so you don't have to "change" and you don't have to worry about anyone finding out what you're really like and therefore deciding they don't like you. 

If you're happy on your own there's no need to make changes.

[Looktothesky]

I do want to change this pattern and do want a love relationship. I don’t know if it’s just laziness or a fear of the effort it would take. I don’t want to be alone. I just don’t know why I can’t get it together.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

. We have just moved in together too. And we got back together one of the agreements was that I’d be in therapy regularly. 

How long have you been living together? Do you both work? Have you committed to sobriety yet? 

[Looktothesky]

Only a few weeks now, and we haven’t even had time to fully unpack or have a weekend together due to other life events this summer. We both work. I am currently not drinking alone and selectively in social situations (ie a small birthday dinner: maybe a beer. Events like weddings that heighten social anxiety: I just abstain)

[Cherylyn]

Then you continue practicing until you get it right. 

[Looktothesky]

Is there any hope for change or am I just stuck this way?  All the men on my dad's side of the family are similar to this, it makes me feel hopeless that it's just in my genes and ashamed to share these qualities.

[Cherylyn]

14 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

Is there any hope for change or am I just stuck this way?  All the men on my dad's side of the family are similar to this, it makes me feel hopeless that it's just in my genes and ashamed to share these qualities.

There is hope for you once you buckle down and get serious.  Until then,  there is no hope.  The choice is yours.  It doesn't have to be generational either.  Break the mold,  buck the convention and tradition.  Be strong and make it an ingrained habit which is non-negotiable.  Be steadfast and unwavering.  This is how you become serious.  If you really mean it,  prove it for life.  Don't just talk about it,  make false promises or write about it.  Just do it for real.

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

Is there any hope for change or am I just stuck this way?  All the men on my dad's side of the family are similar to this, it makes me feel hopeless that it's just in my genes and ashamed to share these qualities.

My father was a selfish deadbeat. My two brothers are excellent, loving fathers.

You are only as "stuck" as you choose to be.

[Cherylyn]

Just now, boltnrun said:

My father was a selfish deadbeat. My two brothers are excellent, loving fathers.

You are only as "stuck" as you choose to be.

Same here.  My late father was a womanizer,  chain smoking alcoholic,  wife beater (punched my mother's teeth out),  never attained stable employment,  left my mother with 3 children with nary a penny of child support,  never visited his children,  abandoned his family abruptly and left my mother with $450,000 debts yet my brother is a man of integrity.   

[Looktothesky]

Thank you for your perspectives.

 

12 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

There is hope for you once you buckle down and get serious.  Until then,  there is no hope.  The choice is yours.  It doesn't have to be generational either.  Break the mold,  buck the convention and tradition.  Be strong and make it an ingrained habit which is non-negotiable.  Be steadfast and unwavering.  This is how you become serious.  If you really mean it,  prove it for life.  Don't just talk about it,  make false promises or write about it.  Just do it for real.

Thank you.  I am so sick of making these false promises not only to others but myself.  I don't blame anyone for getting tired of it. I find these words inspiring.  I've just talked about it for so long...

[Looktothesky]

I just don’t know what to do about this living situation. Moving is such an exhausting process and I don’t want either of us  to have to immediately do it again. I could afford the place myself but she would have to find a roommate. She has several friends nearby. I guess it would make most sense for her to continue living there if she wanted.

 This was supposed to be our new home together 😞 it hurts so bad 

[lostandhurt]

What is the most important thing in your life (person or thing)

 Do you manage your finances? Get to work on time everyday? Pay rent and insurance?

I have seen this before in someone else.  They could easily do all the things they HAD to do in life because if they didn't there were serious consequences but the things they said were important to them but weren't things they HAD to do but SHOULD do they found a way to just cruise along and then complain their life fell apart.

 This isn't about being smart, this is about making choices whether they are hard or easy and sticking to them. This girl sounds like she is important to you but do you think she feels that from you?  I doubt it because you haven't done what is needed and what you said you would do.  The question is why not?  No BS, no excuses just brutal honesty.  Why did you allow this to happen?  Once you answer that question you can begin to change the pattern.

From where I am sitting it sounds like getting back into therapy should be at the very top of your list so if you treat that like keeping a roof over your head or not getting fired you will be well on your way.

These things take work and honesty with yourself.  Any of us could have the answer for you but if you can't motivate yourself to do it then you will stay right where you are.

 Lost

[Looktothesky]

3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

What is the most important thing in your life (person or thing)

 Do you manage your finances? Get to work on time everyday? Pay rent and insurance?

I have seen this before in someone else.  They could easily do all the things they HAD to do in life because if they didn't there were serious consequences but the things they said were important to them but weren't things they HAD to do but SHOULD do they found a way to just cruise along and then complain their life fell apart.

 This isn't about being smart, this is about making choices whether they are hard or easy and sticking to them. This girl sounds like she is important to you but do you think she feels that from you?  I doubt it because you haven't done what is needed and what you said you would do.  The question is why not?  No BS, no excuses just brutal honesty.  Why did you allow this to happen?  Once you answer that question you can begin to change the pattern.

From where I am sitting it sounds like getting back into therapy should be at the very top of your list so if you treat that like keeping a roof over your head or not getting fired you will be well on your way.

These things take work and honesty with yourself.  Any of us could have the answer for you but if you can't motivate yourself to do it then you will stay right where you are.

 Lost

 

For the past 3 or 4 months I've had trouble starting work on time, paying bills on time, checking my mail, brushing my teeth regularly, bathing regularly...it's just felt like a whole bunch of static in my head to the point where I don't have capacity for much of anything.

I guess in hindsight I allowed it to get this way again because she's forgiven me before.  She said she felt taken for granted which is hard for me to admit, but I guess true. I guess there it is: I didn't do what I said I would do because I thought that I could get away with it and still be with her. I was afraid of the difficulty of challenging these behaviors I've picked up.  I also thought if I just tried hard enough I can muscle through and change without any outside help.

[Looktothesky]

Do folks get the impression that I am making excuses for myself?  I am trying to acknowledge that I've been struggling mentally for a while which has made things hard.  But I guess that goes back to the larger point that I have not been getting the help I needed

[boltnrun]

The hygiene issues and other issues could be signs of clinical depression.

Please do not wait.  Contact your doctor ASAP and tell them everything.  Don't hold back out of embarrassment or shame.  They've heard it all.  It's imperative you be 100% honest and forthcoming.

[lostandhurt]

24 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

Do folks get the impression that I am making excuses for myself?  I am trying to acknowledge that I've been struggling mentally for a while which has made things hard.  But I guess that goes back to the larger point that I have not been getting the help I needed

Making excuses to us really doesn't matter, making excuses to yourself or not being honest with yourself is a big issue.  Think about it.  We all can convince ourselves this or that is okay because of _______.  We all have done it, we all have made deals with ourselves about a lot of everyday stuff like eating healthy, getting our life straightened out and on and on.  The problem is when, like you it starts to put the brakes on you taking care of you. You have to take ownership of all this as you seek out help.  Coming here and asking the questions shows you recognize there is a problem, you just need one on one help getting into a better mindset for your life. There is no shame needing help, it actually takes a bigger person to ask for help then struggle alone.

First things first is your physical hygiene. Bathing regularly, brushing your teeth and looking your best is some of the easiest things you can do to feel better emotionally. Who doesn't feel better after a nice shower and getting all cleaned up?  These are the nuts and bolts of life so start with the easy things while you find a new therapist.

 If you get a chance be sure to give her a sincere apology for taking her for granted as this will help you as much as her.  Don't allow her to let you off the hook, just apologize and mean it.  Making amends for mistakes helps.

 What do you need to do to find a new therapist?

Lost

[Looktothesky]

I placed some calls for a new therapist today.  I will hopefully hear back tomorrow and be able fill out the intake form.  I have apologized but I think we were just too caught up in the situation for it to really be heard, and she's probably a little tired of it.

[Looktothesky]

I did get a call back from one therapist. But it rubbed me the wrong way that she called me herself. She asked for my birth date and to email a picture of my insurance card. And goes by “Dr. Psyche”. To be fair her name is Japanese and I know sometimes people choose different names to go by in these situations. But it all led me to feel like I was being scammed. Frustrating…

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

. And goes by “Dr. Psyche”. . But it all led me to feel like I was being scammed.

Please seek out qualified help. You seem to still be in limbo from months ago:

 

[boltnrun]

No "therapists" from Google or any other social media platforms.

Please see your primary doctor first so they can rule out physical causes. Then ask for a referral to a competent mental health professional.