I keep messing up relationships. I don’t know what’s wrong with me

[Looktothesky]

Ok, I have an appointment with my primary care doctor

[Looktothesky]

Feels so awful being in this new place alone with both of our belongings. I wish she would come back.

[Looktothesky]

Should I just give up any hope of us being able to work through this?

[boltnrun]

24 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

Should I just give up any hope of us being able to work through this?

What's more important is getting emotionally and mentally healthy. You can't have a good relationship until you get a handle on why you keep sabotaging.

[Looktothesky]

You’re right. I just feel so lonely right now and it is so painful. I did what I could to take care of myself today and took steps to do more going forward. It just feels so painful being in a brand new place, not even unpacked and not sure whether to even continue unpacking. I feel so out of my element.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

You’re right. I just feel so lonely right now and it is so painful. I did what I could to take care of myself today and took steps to do more going forward. It just feels so painful being in a brand new place, not even unpacked and not sure whether to even continue unpacking. I feel so out of my element.

Moving is really stressful in general! Cut yourself slack.

[Looktothesky]

I feel like for the past couple of days I was getting by on the hope that we will be able to reconcile. I’ve been keeping busy organizing the place so that if we were to reconcile we’d be in good shape and if not at least everything is organized. I sent her an email this weekend telling her how much i love her and why, and apologizing for my mistakes.
 

She does not see reconciliation happening. I am so heartbroken and so angry at myself. I’m feeling such a huge loss. I’m taking all of the steps I can to keep my head above water but it just hurts so bad. I feel like such a failure and a monster

[Looktothesky]

I’m also struggling with the urge to drink. I just feel like I can’t get any relief or escape. She’s only a block away at a friend’s. I am reading a book on meditation and have been practicing that but it’s just so hard

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Looktothesky said:

I’m also struggling with the urge to drink. I just feel like I can’t get any relief or escape. She’s only a block away at a friend’s. I am reading a book on meditation and have been practicing that but it’s just so hard

Do you have a sponsor? How about a family member you can talk to?

Drinking will make your problems worse.

When is your therapy appointment?

[Looktothesky]

I’ve been talking to my mom but not about drinking.

I called last week and again today for an update on therapy I’m supposed to be getting the intake paperwork soon. It’s frustrating that it is taking this long. I have an appt with my primary care doctor in two weeks.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this. She was the best thing in my life and I took her for granted. “I don’t think we can be together right now” is what she is telling me. I’m embarrassed of myself and just wish I could disappear.

I can also call the place I used to go to for therapy. I just feel embarrassed because I put off paying my bill there so long that it nearly went to collections

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Looktothesky said:

I’ve been talking to my mom but not about drinking. I’m supposed to be getting the intake paperwork soon. It’s frustrating that it is taking this long. I have an appt with my primary care doctor in two weeks.

It's good you're getting things in order and reaching out to people. It's understandable you're hurting.

However it's possible you've hit "rock bottom" and while it feels awful, it's the point at which your drinking and associated unaddressed issues causes enough disruption and despair to take action.

Please take a moment to check out this online problem drinking information, support and help:

https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

[boltnrun]

Definitely an appointment with your regular doctor is a good idea. It seems like you could be struggling with a number of conditions such as depression or even ADHD. Your doctor can refer you to right resources.

And please do talk to your mom as much as you need to. I'm a mother and gladly give my kids as much time as they need because I love them. 

[Looktothesky]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Definitely an appointment with your regular doctor is a good idea. It seems like you could be struggling with a number of conditions such as depression or even ADHD. Your doctor can refer you to right resources.

And please do talk to your mom as much as you need to. I'm a mother and gladly give my kids as much time as they need because I love them. 

What makes you think ADHD out of curiosity?

I am talking to my mom as much as I need to but it’s hard because she tries to help in ways I don’t always appreciate and can become a bit overbearing. I feel stuck because I have nobody else in person that I feel like I can turn to, so I start feeling resentful. Other people have groups of friends that can lift them up and be there for them in the way they need. Then I start feeling guilty so I wind up just feeling doubly bad

[Looktothesky]

I’m also struggling with the urge to keep asking or begging her to reconsider. I’m sorry for all of the posts. I feel panicked and so alone. Also struggling to accept that this is actually it. The living situation is just making that much harder

[boltnrun]

I just suggested ADHD because you are not paying your bills and according to you, you are not taking care of anything regardless of how important it is.

How do you perform at work?

Badgering her will only drive her further away. It won't make her want to come back. 

[Looktothesky]

Thank you. I have felt major concentration problems lately. I will bring it up with the doctor

I perform ok at work, but I know I’m not doing my best and feel unable to. I have regular 1:1’s with my boss who says I’m doing good. Luckily I have a manageable workload at my new job so I’ve been able to get by.

I managed to schedule therapy a week from tomorrow. I hope that it’s a good fit. And it’s day one of showering and brushing my teeth in the morning. So at least that’s something.

I guess one way I have to look at this all is that maybe we shouldn’t have gotten back together because I really needed time to get myself together. But there were so many good times after we did. She liked my family and they liked her, and vice versa. She met my best friend from college and they both really liked each other. My friend said she was “awesome” which he wouldn’t say lightly. Before this all happened my mom even said she likes what she brings out of me.

[boltnrun]

Please do continue to shower and brush your teeth. Your coworkers will appreciate it.

She agreed to get back together so it's not 100% on you. But yes, I think you have some insight to gain and some goals you could start working toward before you are ready to be a solid partner to someone. Whether it's her or someone else. 

[Looktothesky]

I work from home so thankfully nobody has had to endure anything heh. I think that has made it easier for me to neglect these little things that used to not be a problem. And ftr I least do these things if I know I’m seeing anyone.

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

I work from home so thankfully nobody has had to endure anything heh. I think that has made it easier for me to neglect these little things that used to not be a problem. And ftr I least do these things if I know I’m seeing anyone.

I think a lot of remote workers are not being diligent about showering everyday. But you need to keep your teeth brushed so you don't start losing them. I had to have three teeth extracted and now I struggle to chew my food. It's not fun.

I'm glad you're seeing your doctor and the therapist. 

[Looktothesky]

Do you think it would be helpful for me to ask my friend if he could talk on the phone with me about this? He’s my closest friend from college. We always tell each other we’re here if the other needs anything but I guess it’s not in my nature to reach out like that. I just feel like it would help to talk about it with someone who is on my side and knows me and has met her and is not my mom

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

. We always tell each other we’re here if the other needs anything 

Sure, reach out. It may be better to talk to peers than your mother.

[Looktothesky]

I really want to. I just feel self-conscious about it, despite being a good friend of 12 years or so.

[boltnrun]

43 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

I really want to. I just feel self-conscious about it, despite being a good friend of 12 years or so.

I would be happy to help my good friends. In fact I have, many times. And they help me.

[Looktothesky]

But what about when the problem is mostly your own making

[boltnrun]

54 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

But what about when the problem is mostly your own making

So what? Friends are supportive. You haven't done anything evil like cheat or steal from her.