How do I stop feeling envious and angry at couples?

[P4nther]

I've never had a girlfriend, I'm what you call "foreveralone", women are not interested in me no matter what steps I take to better myself. Every waking moment is unbearable for me, knowing that I am unwanted by every woman on the planet. But I have noticed lately that whenever I see couples irl, I am filled with hatred, envy, and even violent urges. I see these guys, many of them unremarkable and unexceptional, and wonder why can't I have what they have? It all feels so senselessly cruel and unfair. Why should they get to enjoy all the benefits of a relationship while I have to rot in loneliness and misery? 😔

[Jaunty]

 Stop all associations with people and groups that feed into these thought patterns.  

It's a load of hooey.   

Focus on what you enjoy in your life and a lot of different things will follow.

If you are unable to get your anger and violent urges under control,  perhaps it's time to seek some professional help.  This is no way to go through life.  

 

[Batya33]

You have no idea what they have or don't have. My friend is living with the love of her life for many years now.  Two years ago he died for 30 minutes during a massive heart attack.  They live together and she's built up arm muscles because she is his caregiver -she transports him from wheelchair to wherever a dozen times a day.  She is really happy to do this and she loves him.  Does she have what you would want for your daily life? She is in her late 50s and he is a few years older.

[P4nther]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 Stop all associations with people and groups that feed into these thought patterns.  

So, I need to avoid anyone that has a partner? That's not going to be easy or practical.

[Batya33]

Just now, P4nther said:

So, I need to avoid anyone that has a partner? That's not going to be easy or practical.

No you need to change your attitude whether that requires intervention or whatever - especially if there's a risk of a confrontation like if you're staring angrily etc.  It's also very bad for your physical health to walk around all stressed out like that from some irrational delusions about strangers.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can do is make sure you don't get brainwashed by incels rhetoric. For example, people may give you tips or advice and you would simply launch into a debate about how no one understands you. 

[P4nther]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No you need to change your attitude whether that requires intervention or whatever - especially if there's a risk of a confrontation like if you're staring angrily etc.  It's also very bad for your physical health to walk around all stressed out like that from some irrational delusions about strangers.

I can't help it though. I have tried to stop myself from thinking like this, but it's almost a gut reaction now. I don't even like going outside anymore because I know there's a high likelihood that I'm going to encounter a couple together.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, P4nther said:

I can't help it though. I have tried to stop myself from thinking like this, but it's almost a gut reaction now. I don't even like going outside anymore because I know there's a high likelihood that I'm going to encounter a couple together.

You can help your reaction -so it's totally fine to feel angry and envious as long as you don't react by showing it.  If those feelings make you feel uncomfortable it's up to you to find things that help those feelings go to the periphery if not totally away.  I recommend brisk cardio, pressing your hands palm down onto a firm surface and feeling how each finger feels, 4-7-8 breathing Weil method.  (Google it). 

Many people get angry -like road rage for example -and have to find ways to manage it so that they don't physically harm their health (like high blood pressure etc) or act out in public.  And self-talk -remind yourself -I gave you and example -that all you are seeing is two people together -a man and a woman right? You don't know if they are actually together as a couple, if they are happy with each other, etc.  Self-talk can help.

In 2005 my husband and I just started dating. We went to my friend's son's 1st bday party.  She was a single mother by choice and had had very little experience in long term relationships and been unlucky in love.  She clearly was jealous of me and my new partner.  I went over to her and her baby and commented on how adorable he was.  She said "doesn't it make you want one??? aren't you jealous??" (Yes she knew I wanted to be a mom badly -I was 39).  My husband was shocked and offended.  

My example above is because if you act out as my friend did especially with a stranger -like a negative stare or the like -you could find yourself in big trouble especially nowadays.

[P4nther]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My example above is because if you act out as my friend did especially with a stranger -like a negative stare or the like -you could find yourself in big trouble especially nowadays.

What do you mean by this?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, P4nther said:

What do you mean by this?

I mean that if you stare at people with a negative or angry expression or interact in a negative or angry way there are people who may respond with aggression or report you like in a store -go to the manager and indicate that there is a person who might have issues staring at them in an angry way.  These days people are far more attune to that and on edge.

[P4nther]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean that if you stare at people with a negative or angry expression or interact in a negative or angry way there are people who may respond with aggression or report you like in a store -go to the manager and indicate that there is a person who might have issues staring at them in an angry way.  These days people are far more attune to that and on edge.

Ah, I see. Well, it's not like I sit there shooting dangers at people, although I have shaken my head in exasperation a few times. 

To be honest, I don't think I would care if someone reacted aggressively to me. It might give me a chance to let off some steam.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, P4nther said:

Ah, I see. Well, it's not like I sit there shooting dangers at people, although I have shaken my head in exasperation a few times. 

To be honest, I don't think I would care if someone reacted aggressively to me. It might give me a chance to let off some steam.

OK for sure -you do you -it certainly would solve your problem of "it's unfair" as if someone were to learn about your aggressive reactions certainly most would run the other way.  I did that once -second date he told me proudly how someone on a bus stared at him so he got physical.  He also owned  kickboxing studio.  I was done -he made it easy!

One impediment to having a partner is self-absorption/selfishness- wanting to provoke a fight so  you can let off steam is selfish and harmful.  So in that sense it would be entirely fair that you are having a hard time finding a partner.

[LootieTootie]

Hi P4nther,

Have you thought about trying therapy? There's online therapy session, where your first visit is at discounted price or free. Just google it.

 

[P4nther]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

OK for sure -you do you -it certainly would solve your problem of "it's unfair" as if someone were to learn about your aggressive reactions certainly most would run the other way.  I did that once -second date he told me proudly how someone on a bus stared at him so he got physical.  He also owned  kickboxing studio.  I was done -he made it easy!

One impediment to having a partner is self-absorption/selfishness- wanting to provoke a fight so  you can let off steam is selfish and harmful.  So in that sense it would be entirely fair that you are having a hard time finding a partner.

I've only been pushed into this because not a single woman will give me a chance. I wasn't always this bitter and angry. I used to be a fairly easygoing guy. But over the years, being ignored by women has taken its toll. I've tried to improve myself but nothing ever changes. Women will continue to overlook me at every turn, and all these other schmoes will get girlfriends and wives without lifting a finger.

[P4nther]

2 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Hi P4nther,

Have you thought about trying therapy? There's online therapy session, where your first visit is at discounted price or free. Just google it.

Unless therapy can magic me up a girlfriend, I don't think it has any use, sadly.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, P4nther said:

 all these other schmoes will get girlfriends and wives without lifting a finger.

What makes you feel entitled to a GF/relationship? Lots of people are struggling with loneliness, divorce etc.

[P4nther]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

What makes you feel entitled to a GF/relationship? 

If all these morons and scumbags get girlfriends, then I deserve one too. 

[LootieTootie]

14 minutes ago, P4nther said:

Unless therapy can magic me up a girlfriend, I don't think it has any use, sadly.

Well it would be your first stepping stone to getting a girlfriend. You have a perception that is filled with rage, low self-esteem and self-entitlement and only a professional can help you change/manage your perception to a healthy perception.

How old are you by the way?

[Jaunty]

58 minutes ago, P4nther said:

So, I need to avoid anyone that has a partner? That's not going to be easy or practical.

No.  Avoid people and groups that support the perspective that you shared in your OP.  

In reality, as you know very well, you have no idea about the wants and needs of "every woman on the planet," or the relationships between couples that you see around you.  

 

 

 

[P4nther]

2 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Well it would be your first stepping stone to getting a girlfriend. You have a perception that is filled with rage, low self-esteem and self-entitlement and only a professional can help you change/manage your perception to a healthy perception.

How old are you by the way?

With respect, do you think that perception matters? That's a genuine question. Because many women will date some of the most narcissistic, unreliable, chauvinistic men around. Do these men have healthy perceptions? I don't see how trying to adopt a false perception of the world is going to help.

[Jaunty]

21 minutes ago, P4nther said:

Unless therapy can magic me up a girlfriend, I don't think it has any use, sadly.

Therapy can help you get on a path that will help you be able to have a girlfriend.   As you are, full of rage and entitlement,  you're definitely not "boyfriend materiel" for anybody.

 

[Jaunty]

I doubt this thread will last very long around here; usually the "manosphere / incel" ones die quick and merciful deaths. 

 

[P4nther]

Just now, Jaunty said:

Therapy can help you get on a path that will help you be able to have a girlfriend.   As you are, full of rage and entitlement,  you're definitely not "boyfriend materiel" for anybody.

Except that attraction is not based on morality or meritocracy. Like I said above, many women will date the scummiest men around. These men aren't good people. A lot of the time they aren't even good partners, but there is obviously something superficial about them that appeals to a woman's sensibilities.

[Jaunty]

Just now, P4nther said:

Except that attraction is not based on morality or meritocracy. Like I said above, many women will date the scummiest men around. These men aren't good people. A lot of the time they aren't even good partners, but there is obviously something superficial about them that appeals to a woman's sensibilities.

Where did anyone say that attraction is based on morality or meritocracy?  You're arguing with yourself using "straw men" that don't even exist.

Sure, some women like scumbags. 

What does that have to do with your plight?  

 

 

[P4nther]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Where did anyone say that attraction is based on morality or meritocracy?  You're arguing with yourself using "straw men" that don't even exist.

Sure, some women like scumbags. 

What does that have to do with your plight?  

Then what is the point of therapy? How is becoming a better person going to make any difference?