I feel alone, will my girlfriend come back? What do i do?

[loveatlas1010]

Hello.

First, I want to warn this will be a long post , and I have been dealing with some pretty severe mental health issues lately and ask for grace and respect in the replies.

My “girlfriend” and I had met eachother and we instantly clicked. She is around 6 years younger than me and i’m 27. She and I are the same ENFP personality type, we share same values, same beliefs, same attitude, make eachother laugh etc.. Things were going amazing and obviously the honey moon phase is great. We both love very hard and thus, we started saying i love you at around 2 weeks. I know this could be a red flag. But we will get to that later and you’ll see why. We often spent a lot of time together and i’m a very anxiously attached person and a people please and i believe that also inhibit BPD Cluster C, and i love bomb occasionally (subconsciously). I’ve been through abuse, sexual abuse , divorce , child alienation from my kid, military, and other traumas. I often apologize a lot because of past partners sensitivity. About 2.5 weeks into our relationship , i was with her and her brother committed suicide. I cant  imagine the pain and what she is feeling. She has a very wealthy family and very large community of family. Neighbors, people from other states, family friends, etc. are always at the house. During the next 2 weeks, we rarely got to spend any 1-1 time together, always with her family , and everytime she asked to see me , i’d say yes (people pleasing). During the course of the 2 weeks, she stopped touching me randomly a lot (i love physical touch), she seemed less enthusaiastic , didn’t open up much to me about how she was feeling etc. Granted, she often talked a lot and everytime we did , i couldn’t get a word in haah that was still the case but it wasn’t about emotions. i’m a very emotionally attached person seeking deep connection and i am anxious attached and i think she’s anxious avoidant. I often would ask her what’s wrong (trauma) because she experienced a lot of hot and cold incidents and i didn’t know if i caused them. But i would do this so often , she got annoyed. She felt like i was bringing up problems every night because (my anxious attachment style), i felt rejected and undervalued and unappreciated , etc. I voiced my concerns, multiple times and she would get offended and it made me feel like i couldn’t talk to her about my feelings anymore. Of course during this time , i’m always with her, supporting her, making her dinner, being there, communicating with her (trying). i’m a very big over thinker and i asked her to be my girlfriend once before her brother passed and for some reason (dumb i know) , again after. she denied both times saying that she can’t be there for me the same way i am for herr , and right now her mind is everywhere and she is receiving texts (community of a family) from everyone and it’s overwhelmin. So, for the next week or two, i kept getting sad, my mood changed, my tone changed (i didn’t realize but she told me) and i got insecure.

We still facetimed and said i love you etc and laughed with eachother but for some reason a part of my brain thought that she was upset at me and my brain didn’t recognize the grief she’s proceeding or how to deal with it… I asked her “ if i’m doing anything wrong , what can i do to fix it?”She texted me and kept saying how we moved fast, and she didn’t wanna feel overwhelmed about continuing to have to deal with me bringing something up again and said her mind can’t take and she  told me she can’t do this right now , and she said…..” honestly i don’t know where to start. For one , I have expressed to you numerous times that i have not been in a good headspace right now. I have told you that I don’t have the energy to be in a relationship. I have set boundaries and taken space(which has barely even begun). When I choose to see you and you leave you say “i wont text you until you text me” amd then proceed to text me first. I get that you want to be there. But i can’t be there in the same way, and i have expressed that. Multiple times. I can’t do this anymore. I understand that relationships have fights. But we have them way too much about things we shouldn’t be arguing about. I do not have the mental capacity to meet my own needs right now let alone someone else’s. I have expressed that to you. Yet, it’s still not enough and there is always somewhere you want to talk about improving. It awesome, i love the drive to be better all the time. But i told you too many times now at this point that I cannot be doing that right now.

I talk about us moving to fast and you asked me to be your girlfriend 2 times. You talk about our future ALL the time. We don’t know what the future will hold. and i like talking about it. but it’s too much for me right now. I have tried to assert my boundaries during this hard time and am trying to navigate what life is going to be without my brother here. You are perfect. just the way you are. Don’t ever let that change. Continue to grow into the beautiful soul that God made you to be. Be confident in you. All around. I love you more than you know, which is why I cannot do this anymore. You deserve the undying love with no boundaries that you have prayed for. Right now I can’t be that for you. I am so sorry.  “I honestly can’t do it anymore. I have tried to explain that I can’t be there right now and I need space and it is alway something babe. i can’t worry about a relationship right now and all the things i’m doing or not doing. it’s way too much, i feel consumed in everything. ….

 

so it’s been only 3 days… but my mine constantly ruminates , and i often try to figure out why i am the way i am because the last four relationships I’ve ever had, they told me that I needed to heal my trauma, or give them grace and patience, and that I am seeking unrealistic expectations, and the last one, my ex her friend died, and I didn’t know how to deal with it, and I made it all by myself…. I guess i’m wondering., how to deal with this because she said she loves me so much but can’t do it right now and I guess I’m wondering if she will ever come back around, or if space will help, it’s only been three days and my mind is destroying me and my mental health is not ok and my therapy referral is it going to be until next week.

 

What are your guys thoughts on this and what do you think I should do? I want so bad to reach out to her, but it’s been an issue before where she asked for space and then she asked me to come over and then I leave and I don’t know whether I should continue texting her or continue giving her space. I guess I’m just needing someone to be my therapist for a moment and help me out and help me understand what I should do in this moment right now I have no friends because everything is changing so quickly and so I literally have no one in my family never reaches out they are far away 

 

 

 

I appreciate it , thank you ❤️🙏

[boltnrun]

Just FYI, there is no need to post this five times.  Everyone can see all of the posts on all of the subcategories.  

[Batya33]

I’m sorry you feel alone and don’t have a support system right now. That’s not a reason to reach out to her. Respect that she wants space from you. Are you a person who belongs to a church or religious place or worship and can go and participate in some sort of event ? Again I’m sorry you’re disappointed that this relationship isn’t working our right now. I hope you feel better. 

[loveatlas1010]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’m sorry you feel alone and don’t have a support system right now. That’s not a reason to reach out to her. Respect that she wants space from you. Are you a person who belongs to a church or religious place or worship and can go and participate in some sort of event ? Again I’m sorry you’re disappointed that this relationship isn’t working our right now. I hope you feel better. 

i do but i feel nervous going to an event i don’t know why. and i don’t know how to feel better but i apppreciate that.

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

i do but i feel nervous going to an event i don’t know why. and i don’t know how to feel better but i apppreciate that.

You don't have to know how to feel better.  Feel what you feel and come up with different reactions.  For example if you feel alone or lonely explore events and meetups and volunteer work and go even if you feel nervous -make a deal with yourself -you have to go for at least 45 minutes and speak to at least 3 people then you can leave.  If you feel nervous try 4-7-8 breathing Weil method -google it -it helped me get back to sleep late last night after I was upset with my teenage son up late at night.  If you miss this person pick something that gets you moving for at least 20 minutes and where you feel like you're working out -can be brisk walking, dancing to a youtube video, scrubbing a floor.  For example.

Also the passage of time and distance from this person will help a lot in healing.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How long have you been seeing each other? Do you both work? Go to school? Does she live with her parents? 

Having a death in the family, particularly suicide is quite traumatic for her and her family, so she can't really be there for you as before. You'll have to give her space and room to grieve.

You seem to have insight that this has happened before in your relationships as far as needing more space.

Do you have health insurance? Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

That's really the only way to improve the way you feel and the quality of your relationships.

Asking friends, family, GFs and everyday people to be like therapists will be disappointing because everyday people simply can not handle the depths of your needs nor really know what to say or do.

 

[loveatlas1010]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long have you been seeing each other? Do you both work? Go to school? Does she live with her parents? 

Having a death in the family, particularly suicide is quite traumatic for her and her family, so she can't really be there for you as before. You'll have to give her space and room to grieve.

You seem to have insight that this has happened before in your relationships as far as needing more space.

Do you have health insurance? Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

That's really the only way to improve the way you feel and the quality of your relationships.

Asking friends, family, GFs and everyday people to be like therapists will be disappointing because everyday people simply can not handle the depths of your needs nor really know what to say or do.

 

Hello , thank you for your concern and care. We have only dated a month. but like i said i get attached fast due to trauma, my personality type, my people pleasing nature and idealistic reactions . I’m anxiously attachment style, she is anxious avoidant. and we both are ENFP but i’m ENFP-T and she is ENFP-A. Yeah you’re right with the grieving… i also have a massive family and have NEVER experienced a death in my family, so i don’t know how to react or support them. I just know that i wanna be there to support because i’m a people oriented guy.She works as an assistant for a wealthy family. I’m in the army, on internship , as well as full time college . i’m 27 and she’s 20, she’s also moving into her first apartment soon, so maybe she’s just overwhelmed. I also feel bad because she is house sitting for a whole month (herr job) and will be alone 98% of the time there to sit in her thoughts. i have a feeling (and i presume, hope) that she may reach out to me and if she does and asks to hangout or talk, should i say no? i mean i wanna be there for her naturally but she also wants space so idk… 

 

also, yes, I am getting very attached in all of my relationships move very fast, because of my trauma and fear of rejection and abandonment and people leaving, I have a referral for a therapist, but I won’t be available till next week, I am also nervous because I don’t want to seem “ messed up” and I don’t want to feel like I have to take medication’s for my mental health, I want to work through them, or try to work through them. When I first got out of high school, I met a girl and got married, and then had a kid, and she left, and that trauma has maybe made it so that I’ve been jumping from relationship to relationship, and not allowing myself to heal, or be alone. I’m sure the therapist will go through it but I’m not sure.

 

[loveatlas1010]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You don't have to know how to feel better.  Feel what you feel and come up with different reactions.  For example if you feel alone or lonely explore events and meetups and volunteer work and go even if you feel nervous -make a deal with yourself -you have to go for at least 45 minutes and speak to at least 3 people then you can leave.  If you feel nervous try 4-7-8 breathing Weil method -google it -it helped me get back to sleep late last night after I was upset with my teenage son up late at night.  If you miss this person pick something that gets you moving for at least 20 minutes and where you feel like you're working out -can be brisk walking, dancing to a youtube video, scrubbing a floor.  For example.

Also the passage of time and distance from this person will help a lot in healing.

I really appreciate your support and help, examples you gave me mean a lot. How do I know when I’m feeling the certain feelings if my mind is constantly over thinking or racing or having so much on my mind at once, how can I think about my feelings?

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I guess i’m wondering., how to deal with this because she said she loves me so much but can’t do it right now and I guess I’m wondering if she will ever come back around, or if space will help,

Yes, surely give her space!  She has asked for it.

 

2 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I get that you want to be there. But i can’t be there in the same way, and i have expressed that. Multiple times. I can’t do this anymore. I understand that relationships have fights. But we have them way too much about things we shouldn’t be arguing about. I do not have the mental capacity to meet my own needs right now let alone someone else’s. I have expressed that to you. Yet, it’s still not enough and there is always somewhere you want to talk about improving.

She's trying to tell you have she 'can't do this'.  Now, with respect you NEED to try and understand this.

She's hurting deeply.  She has nothing to 'give'.  She does not have the mental or emotional 'energy' to be able to give in a relationship right now, at this time of her life.  She's struggling and is obvious, she's finding all of this with you, overwhelming. 😕 

So, yes, it's best you remain at a distance and do not bother her about anything anymore.  So, no expectations.  This is how you show your 'respect' in this.

 

Not sure how long you two had been involved, I dont think you mentioned this. but, either way, yes, keep up with your therapy.  Do you have friends to hang with or family?  Are you aware of 'coping techniques'?  I learned a lot in therapy on that. I had bad anxiety - but is more controlled nowadays. ( eg. using your senses to 'ground yourself').

Touch, smell, sight, etc.  When I go out I will have something in my pocket to touch.  I bake a lot, which helps with smells, I will rub my feet on carpet to 'feel' and there's so many things out there like fidget gadgets, even in a buck store.

What you want to do is aim your focus elsewhere and not constantly feel so overwhelmed with everything around you.

What's going on with this poor girl is beyond YOUR control.  it is her issue.  And honestly, I don't think any of that is good on you either. 😕 .

So, is best to try & keep busy other ways, as I said, hang with some friends, do your own thing and work on accepting things did not go well with this gal.  You both need some time.  To accept this unsettling event.

Be easy on yourself.  TC

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I really appreciate your support and help, examples you gave me mean a lot. How do I know when I’m feeling the certain feelings if my mind is constantly over thinking or racing or having so much on my mind at once, how can I think about my feelings?

You just let the feelings exist. No need to think about feelings. Feelings aren’t facts. If your mind is racing have tools ready to quiet the mind. Things that help me:  having my water bottle full and taking a long drink which makes me “pause”.  4-7-8 breathing Weill method. Brisk cardio. Scrubbing a floor or a countertop. Calling a friend but not talking about me. Mantras that are soothing. I had one in a foreign language that meant “it will be ok”.  

[loveatlas1010]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You just let the feelings exist. No need to think about feelings. Feelings aren’t facts. If your mind is racing have tools ready to quiet the mind. Things that help me:  having my water bottle full and taking a long drink which makes me “pause”.  4-7-8 breathing Weill method. Brisk cardio. Scrubbing a floor or a countertop. Calling a friend but not talking about me. Mantras that are soothing. I had one in a foreign language that meant “it will be ok”.  

I can try these, i appreciate it. thank you. i often think about if we will end up together but i know that is selfish but we are so alike and it hurts

[loveatlas1010]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, surely give her space!  She has asked for it.

 

She's trying to tell you have she 'can't do this'.  Now, with respect you NEED to try and understand this.

She's hurting deeply.  She has nothing to 'give'.  She does not have the mental or emotional 'energy' to be able to give in a relationship right now, at this time of her life.  She's struggling and is obvious, she's finding all of this with you, overwhelming. 😕 

So, yes, it's best you remain at a distance and do not bother her about anything anymore.  So, no expectations.  This is how you show your 'respect' in this.

 

Not sure how long you two had been involved, I dont think you mentioned this. but, either way, yes, keep up with your therapy.  Do you have friends to hang with or family?  Are you aware of 'coping techniques'?  I learned a lot in therapy on that. I had bad anxiety - but is more controlled nowadays. ( eg. using your senses to 'ground yourself').

Touch, smell, sight, etc.  When I go out I will have something in my pocket to touch.  I bake a lot, which helps with smells, I will rub my feet on carpet to 'feel' and there's so many things out there like fidget gadgets, even in a buck store.

What you want to do is aim your focus elsewhere and not constantly feel so overwhelmed with everything around you.

What's going on with this poor girl is beyond YOUR control.  it is her issue.  And honestly, I don't think any of that is good on you either. 😕 .

So, is best to try & keep busy other ways, as I said, hang with some friends, do your own thing and work on accepting things did not go well with this gal.  You both need some time.  To accept this unsettling event.

Be easy on yourself.  TC

 

it’s weird, because I have done some deep, searching and only three days and I’ve slept about two hours in those three days, and I figured out how she is wired and I figure out how I am wired and she’s very avoidant and I am anxiously attached and like I don’t know, it just hurts because I want to be with her and I want to be able to work through this together. Listen, we’ve only been together for one month, and yes, I know it’s a short period of time, but we have moved so fast and got to know each other so quick. It jumped in relatively fast 

 

due to my anxious attachment, and being anxious sometimes and feeling rejection and abandonment, I have to bring things up and try to ask her what’s wrong when she gets upset. I know she has asked me for space but all I can think about right now is when I would be able to reconnect with her and it sucks because I’m very big giver and very big people person and I would love to be there for her right now and I know she has a big support system, but I also know that was very overwhelming for her at times, so she often told me I was her safe space. and that she trust me, so what I feel is that I want to reach out to her and apologize and send her some flowers.

Correct me if this is a bad idea, but maybe I’m just doing this because I want to hear from her, but I also want to be there for her and I know she would enjoy the thought. It’s just hard the way she laughed because she said she would always love me and that’s why she came. Give me the love that I deserve right now because of her mind, and she said goodbye baby. which confused me.  I don’t have many friends at all because they all left the town they were in the military. 

 

she often told me that was the greatest guy she’s ever met, and that it was a great guy and just the wrong timing and that hurt me the most… 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

 , I have a referral for a therapist, but I won’t be available till next week, I  I don’t want to feel like I have to take medication’s for my mental health, 

With racing thoughts, insomnia and many other symptoms, you need to get checked out by a physician and get some tests done. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll be on pills but your physical and mental health are very important to pay attention to. 

[loveatlas1010]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

With racing thoughts, insomnia and many other symptoms, you need to get checked out by a physician and get some tests done. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll be on pills but your physical and mental health are very important to pay attention to. 

i don’t have any negative self thoughts. it’s more like constant overthinking about getting her back and being ther to support her and just idk reflecting . it’s scary . idk..

[SooSad33]

55 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

it’s weird, because I have done some deep, searching and only three days and I’ve slept about two hours in those three days, and I figured out how she is wired and I figure out how I am wired and she’s very avoidant and I am anxiously attached

Yes, that sounds like your anxiety.  Sleep IS necessary, for proper function abilitiies and I can tell you are NOT in the right frame of mind.  This isn't good for you.  So, you really need to STOP trying to figure stuff out & worry about her.

She will do what SHE needs and it's not from you, sorry 😕 .

 

58 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

it just hurts because I want to be with her and I want to be able to work through this together. Listen, we’ve only been together for one month, and yes, I know it’s a short period of time, but we have moved so fast and got to know each other so quick. It jumped in relatively fast 

I get it, YOU want to be with her ... to be there for her, comfort her etc.  BUT you can't.  She doesn't want it.  

And yes, you did move along pretty fast - again, reason for her backing off and wanting her space now.  And as I said, YOU need to try and understand this. 

 

1 hour ago, loveatlas1010 said:

due to my anxious attachment, and being anxious sometimes and feeling rejection and abandonment, I have to bring things up and try to ask her what’s wrong when she gets upset. I know she has asked me for space but all I can think about right now is when I would be able to reconnect with her

Okay, so try and understand this.  It is YOUR anxious attachment, so this is your issue. You are feeding your own problems onto her.  She does not want or need this.

 

1 hour ago, loveatlas1010 said:

but I also know that was very overwhelming for her at times, so she often told me I was her safe space. and that she trust me, so what I feel is that I want to reach out to her and apologize and send her some flowers.

Did you already send her flowers once?

 

1 hour ago, loveatlas1010 said:

It’s just hard the way she laughed because she said she would always love me and that’s why she came. Give me the love that I deserve right now because of her mind, and she said goodbye baby. which confused me.

Okay, I think I already explained, it is not real Love.  You two hardly got to know each other.  There's not a lot there in this short time together.  YOU relied heavily on her and then with her loss, she became even more overwhelmed with things and told you she couldn't do this 😕 .

 

I am sorry for your pains right now, but you also really need to sit back ... take some deep breathes and really get a hold of yourself.

You ARE already aware of your issue's.  So, you know exactly how you can be.  Then let this sink in a bit.  Try and see what's going on.  Try to see how things did not turn out how you'd hoped.

I will admit, I think it's best you do not get involved again for a while until you know you're feeling better than you are now.  I think some more time in therapy can help - and what about meds?  You on anything?

I feel it'd do you much more benefit to work on yourself a while longer to where you do not feel this way. Where you feel you can cope and not approach a partner with such pressures or expectations .... right?

And also work on your anxiety & sleep issue's.  One can & will function better when they've had some actual decent rest. To where your mind & body has had its necessary rest.  That is important.  When you get the rest needed, your mind works better for you.

So, please sit back and think on this stuff..  Reality speaking, you should NOT be this worked up over some gal you became involved with a month ago.  Sadly, I think you lost yourself in all of this and it didn't work out. 

But, it happens so often.  We need to learn how to accept it, heal and move on.

Deep breaths.... go eat something .. chill out for a bit.  And watch something cool before you goto bed - to try and change your mind set  😉 .

One day at a time.

[loveatlas1010]

10 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, that sounds like your anxiety.  Sleep IS necessary, for proper function abilitiies and I can tell you are NOT in the right frame of mind.  This isn't good for you.  So, you really need to STOP trying to figure stuff out & worry about her.

She will do what SHE needs and it's not from you, sorry 😕 .

 

I get it, YOU want to be with her ... to be there for her, comfort her etc.  BUT you can't.  She doesn't want it.  

And yes, you did move along pretty fast - again, reason for her backing off and wanting her space now.  And as I said, YOU need to try and understand this. 

 

Okay, so try and understand this.  It is YOUR anxious attachment, so this is your issue. You are feeding your own problems onto her.  She does not want or need this.

 

Did you already send her flowers once?

 

Okay, I think I already explained, it is not real Love.  You two hardly got to know each other.  There's not a lot there in this short time together.  YOU relied heavily on her and then with her loss, she became even more overwhelmed with things and told you she couldn't do this 😕 .

 

I am sorry for your pains right now, but you also really need to sit back ... take some deep breathes and really get a hold of yourself.

You ARE already aware of your issue's.  So, you know exactly how you can be.  Then let this sink in a bit.  Try and see what's going on.  Try to see how things did not turn out how you'd hoped.

I will admit, I think it's best you do not get involved again for a while until you know you're feeling better than you are now.  I think some more time in therapy can help - and what about meds?  You on anything?

I feel it'd do you much more benefit to work on yourself a while longer to where you do not feel this way. Where you feel you can cope and not approach a partner with such pressures or expectations .... right?

And also work on your anxiety & sleep issue's.  One can & will function better when they've had some actual decent rest. To where your mind & body has had its necessary rest.  That is important.  When you get the rest needed, your mind works better for you.

So, please sit back and think on this stuff..  Reality speaking, you should NOT be this worked up over some gal you became involved with a month ago.  Sadly, I think you lost yourself in all of this and it didn't work out. 

But, it happens so often.  We need to learn how to accept it, heal and move on.

Deep breaths.... go eat something .. chill out for a bit.  And watch something cool before you goto bed - to try and change your mind set  😉 .

One day at a time.

no, I have never sent her flowers, and yes, I know, and understand this is my issue, and I know, and understand what attachment styles I have, and what traumas I have, I just need to know how to deal with them. Yes, I know that we move together so fast and it’s crazy because with my personality and attachment I can idealize a little bit but maybe you’re right that there wasn’t a lot of love there, but I have love for her, and I love hard because I get attached because of my fear of abandonment. Naturally, she’s avoidant and so of course she doesn’t like emotions and all of that , so I see where I messed up and I really just want to fix it, and I know that I can fix it. I have never been in therapy before and like I said, I haven’t started it yet, I should be able to start it next week or the week after . But I would love to send her flowers and a note just showing her that I care, because she cares so much about me. I know she’s dealing with a lot and she avoids a lot of emotion, and a lot of things that require a lot of attention, that’s just in her nature, and I wanted to send her a resource that may help her out during this hard time, because she’s so oblivious to emotion, maybe she’s not thinking about that and that maybe I could give her some insight with a resource, and leave the balls in her court, she doesn’t have to reach out, but give her those things for her benefit and then stop talking to her and just go on with my life. 

 

I do think that I have a lot of internal issues and I have dealt with stuff that no  27 year old should ever have to deal with in life 

, But it is what it is and no I don’t have any medication‘s because I haven’t seen a psychiatrist, I’ve never been to a therapist or anything, but I know I struggle. I want to eventually see if I can get back with her and because we both are so mature, I think we can get through this as together. It’s just hard because she doesn’t have the capacity to think right now. I also want to know that you’re helping me so much. Thank you.

[SooSad33]

6 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

Yes, I know that we move together so fast and it’s crazy because with my personality and attachment I can idealize a little bit but maybe you’re right that there wasn’t a lot of love there, but I have love for her, and I love hard because I get attached because of my fear of abandonment. Naturally, she’s avoidant and so of course she doesn’t like emotions and all of that , so I see where I messed up and I really just want to fix it, and I know that I can fix it.

I am still not convinced of this being 'love'.  To me, it's like a craving of yours and when it's available, you go in full force. ( Attachment style).  It's just how you are.  Is like an insecurity.  One can be quite needy & clingy etc, and can push the other away because of their behaviour.

Okay, so you see where you messed up. Good enough.  BUT, is your way of fixing it to get on into therapy etc?  Because, as for her, she already saw how you work. And, ou say you know you can fix it - by getting into therapy, right?  if this is what you mean, good, but it will take some time to see any improvements.  So, no matter what happens with her, keep on with dealing with yourself.

As for no present meds, due to not seeing a psychiatrist.  A Doctor can also give you something for anxiety, depression etc.  You know your condition though because you have been assessed?

 

 

8 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

But I would love to send her flowers and a note just showing her that I care, because she cares so much about me. I know she’s dealing with a lot and she avoids a lot of emotion, and a lot of things that require a lot of attention, that’s just in her nature, and I wanted to send her a resource that may help her out during this hard time, because she’s so oblivious to emotion, maybe she’s not thinking about that and that maybe I could give her some insight with a resource, and leave the balls in her court, she doesn’t have to reach out, but give her those things for her benefit

Yeah, it could be kind enough to send her flowers, but do no more.  Even if she reaches out to say Thank you, you do NOT start begging at her at all.  You respectfully say something easy, like ' You're welcome, thinking of you'.  And leave it alone.

You keep saying her as being Avoidant.  How well do you know this or how she is in this regard?  Do you mean she's got avoidant personality?  Do you understand all of this?

As I read your post again, you two did not really get much 'real time' together in that short amt of time. It went from one extreme to another 😕 .

 

 

10 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I do think that I have a lot of internal issues and I have dealt with stuff that no  27 year old should ever have to deal with in life 

, But it is what it is and no I don’t have any medication‘s because I haven’t seen a psychiatrist, I’ve never been to a therapist or anything, but I know I struggle

I know you have and I'm shocked you haven't been into therapy or anything by your age 😕 .  I was in therapy numerous times in my years, since I hit my teens.  I needed it, I knew that, and I was also told back then, how I should be working on myself and NOT be looking to date for a while.

And I listened to them.  I met my first ex within a year after my intense therapy.

 

11 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I want to eventually see if I can get back with her and because we both are so mature, I think we can get through this as together. It’s just hard because she doesn’t have the capacity to think right now.

Yeah, and that will be up to her and in her time.  No one knows.

 

How about, for now, you work at changing your focus.  I find that journaling helps a lot to 'get it out' another way. Say all you want to her there.  Every time I'd want to say something.. to vent, I'd say it there.  Several times a day, for months, lol.

I'm just thinking of ways to 'work through' your thoughts & emotions.  No matter what happens.

But, like I said, It's good that you've finally got things set up for doing some therapy.  Never anything wrong with that & it can really help with issues.

 

 

[loveatlas1010]

32 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I am still not convinced of this being 'love'.  To me, it's like a craving of yours and when it's available, you go in full force. ( Attachment style).  It's just how you are.  Is like an insecurity.  One can be quite needy & clingy etc, and can push the other away because of their behaviour.

Okay, so you see where you messed up. Good enough.  BUT, is your way of fixing it to get on into therapy etc?  Because, as for her, she already saw how you work. And, ou say you know you can fix it - by getting into therapy, right?  if this is what you mean, good, but it will take some time to see any improvements.  So, no matter what happens with her, keep on with dealing with yourself.

As for no present meds, due to not seeing a psychiatrist.  A Doctor can also give you something for anxiety, depression etc.  You know your condition though because you have been assessed?

 

 

Yeah, it could be kind enough to send her flowers, but do no more.  Even if she reaches out to say Thank you, you do NOT start begging at her at all.  You respectfully say something easy, like ' You're welcome, thinking of you'.  And leave it alone.

You keep saying her as being Avoidant.  How well do you know this or how she is in this regard?  Do you mean she's got avoidant personality?  Do you understand all of this?

As I read your post again, you two did not really get much 'real time' together in that short amt of time. It went from one extreme to another 😕 .

 

 

I know you have and I'm shocked you haven't been into therapy or anything by your age 😕 .  I was in therapy numerous times in my years, since I hit my teens.  I needed it, I knew that, and I was also told back then, how I should be working on myself and NOT be looking to date for a while.

And I listened to them.  I met my first ex within a year after my intense therapy.

 

Yeah, and that will be up to her and in her time.  No one knows.

 

How about, for now, you work at changing your focus.  I find that journaling helps a lot to 'get it out' another way. Say all you want to her there.  Every time I'd want to say something.. to vent, I'd say it there.  Several times a day, for months, lol.

I'm just thinking of ways to 'work through' your thoughts & emotions.  No matter what happens.

But, like I said, It's good that you've finally got things set up for doing some therapy.  Never anything wrong with that & it can really help with issues.

 

 

Maybe it’s not love . I just don’t know. My head won’t tell me. But I just know when i’m around her , nothing else exists, when I feel her touch, I feel the sense of warmth and happiness. I often find myself gazing at her beauty, and I look at her like every woman would dream a man would look at them. I just have a very intense feelings for her. I presume that I think it’s because her and I have so much in common. she is such an overachiever, and like I am, she has the same value as I do so that’s why I think it all stems from. 

 

 

I believe you’re right we did jump in really fast and I open up to people really quickly, so we talked about me a lot, and my trauma in my past, but we never got the chance to really go through her whole life in depth, even though she’s a big talker, but I was open when I first met her and talked a lot about what I went through, and you’re right maybe I should’ve gone to therapy years ago, but I didn’t know how and I I don’t know it’s dumb, I don’t feel normal I feel stupid, and maybe I feel ashamed. I don’t want to feel like this I just wanna be a normal person who is happy and has friends and can go do things that they love, lately it’s just been focusing on my career and school work has consumed me, and all I am ever doing is being alone and I hate it because I crave intimacy and I crave extroversion all my family in the military all my friends, they’re leaving because they’re getting out and I literally have lost every friend and I have one friend and my family is so far away, with everything that I’ve been through. I don’t know if people are dealing with the same thing someone else, but this is a lot to deal with in life seems so hard, especially since I’m so indecisive in my career, I’m also in the middle of moving just like she is, and sometimes everything that’s hitting me at once feels like a lot.

 

The thing is, the last three relationships have been ended for the same reason and also because I always brought up things, and I think people are upset at me and I should start thinking to myself that if people are upset, it’s their responsibility to bring it up and not mine to pull it out of them. Yes, my solution is to go to therapy and talk through it and also go to a church group to meet new friends, even though I went from being extremely extroverted, and the life of the party to a person who is very shy and nervous now, and always worrying about what others think of me, I guess trauma just ***s you up. I have to be comfortable with fear. I’m a very intellectual and smart person, but sometimes I just don’t know how to execute, and then also plays into my personality style sometimes.

 

I don’t know if she would want to be with me, I still have her location, and that may just be because she hasn’t remember to take it off, but I don’t know and like I said, it’s only been three days since you stop talking to me, but I crave love and intimacy, I crave giving people love, that’s a part of my personality type, but also it sucks because my personality type and trauma kind of go hand-in-hand because I’ve been messed up so much that I really am codependent on people and with my personality type I naturally am a people pleaser and put peoples needs above my own, so I guess just naturally I was born into not being self-sufficient from my childhood, and I think a psychiatrist and therapist will help me, I have never ever been to one of my entire life and I think maybe this is a shift and change into my life.

 

I know you’re not my therapist, and I tend to apologize a lot and that’s the first thing that she recognized, is that I would apologize for things that I didn’t need to, and also ask her if she’s OK all the time, but I apologize if it seems like you’re my therapist and I’m venting to you, but I just have a lot to say and my mind is like a racing horse, I also have ADHD so it’s terrible. I haven’t taken my meds in a while and I don’t often tend to neglect. My personal needs in that sense because I am a fitness trainer and very into my physical health, but sometimes mental health really takes the toll. 

 

What if I sent her flowers and I was going to also sent her a Brazilian wax appointment for Sunday? Like I told her I would before she said she needed to walk away to clear her head, what is she reaches out and tries to initiate conversation? That confuses me because then I will want to, but I don’t know if I should set a boundary and say no, I guess I would have to think with my head instead of my heart.

 

also, yeah, she’s very avoidant, if you look up anxious, avoidant, attachment style, resonates with her, she is avoidance of situations and avoidant of emotions, and she has commitment issues, she also has OCD and other things, but me being anxious, and her being avoiding, is really tough and it takes a lot of work truly to make things work. 

 

I feel like you have a lot of answers to my questions and I want to say that I appreciate all of the time and energy that you’re putting into this and it means a lot

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

 i have expressed that. Multiple times. I can’t do this anymore. I understand that relationships have fights. But we have them way too much about things we shouldn’t be arguing about.  

❤️🙏

Please reread what she told you. If you stay on this trajectory without getting the appropriate help you need, you're heading for a restraining order. You seem to have insight that relationships ended before because of this. 

[loveatlas1010]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please reread what she told you. If you stay on this trajectory without getting the appropriate help you need, you're heading for a restraining order. You seem to have insight that relationships ended before because of this. 

I think you misunderstood , she told me multiple times that she couldn’t give me the love that I needed and be there for me like I was there for her, and she did tell me that multiple times, but for some reason I still held onto a belief, and we kept seeing each other, even though we weren’t dating, and it was weird because we weren’t having sex either but we were just hanging out, so I don’t know what it was but she just said she needs to go and figure out how to deal with life without her brother.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

 though we weren’t dating. she just said she needs to go and figure out how to deal with life without her brother.

The end result is unfortunately the same. She doesn't want to hang out.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I want to reach out to her and apologize and send her some flowers.

Please don't do this. No flowers. No Brazilian wax appointments. She has repeatedly told you she can't do this and wants space from you. You need to start respecting that, and stop bulldozing over the boundaries she's set in place just to soothe your own anxiety. Because really, that's what gestures like this are about - it's you looking to keep any connection alive. It's to make you feel better, not her.  But you need to stop before you get yourself into hot water. 

3 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I crave love and intimacy

Nearly all of us do. We just have to respect that some people aren't going to want the same from us.  If someone is putting up roadblocks, the solution is not to double-down on our efforts but rather to back off. Even in this thread you refer to her as your girlfriend, but she never was. You have to get real with yourself, man. 

I would strongly encourage you to stop all contact with her. It is not likely that this will come back together, but with good and consistent therapy, you should be able to find healthy love in the future. This wasn't it. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

  my mind is like a racing horse, I also have ADHD so it’s terrible. I haven’t taken my meds in a while. What if I sent her flowers and I was going to also sent her a Brazilian wax appointment for Sunday? 

Please make an appointment with your physician ASAP .

Please don't contact her, send things etc.. You don't need the police at your door with stalking and harassment charges and a restraining order.

Please call a mental health hotline for the racing thoughts and someone will listen to you and help you.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I often find myself gazing at her beauty, and I look at her like every woman would dream a man would look at them. I just have a very intense feelings for her.

This is one example of your fantasy/abstractions and I agree with all the others and especially with Miss Canuck -reread that as many times as it takes.  No it's not true what you wrote for every woman.  Never been true for me except maybe when I was a young teen reading Harlequin Romances and obsessed with certain soap operas.  I love how Miss Canuck described your mindset as self-absorbed -all about you.  And I agree to get support and resources including from professionals.  Good luck.