While I idly looked upon them – SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

*Disclaimer:  I am not a therapist or a relationship counselor.  My advice is based on a “take it or leave it” context and I make no claims that following my words will give you the results you desire.  Please use your best judgement and commonsense with all your decision making.  I wish you well in all you do*

 

-Let’s get started

 

It’s been some time since I have written a post here at ENA.  I have poured over several and re-read so many that inspired me to create threads starting back in 2004.  Time flies but within that time comes knowledge.  You begin to learn what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to human relationships.  What I mean is, break-ups happen every day.  The breakup is no different from any other break BUT… the rub is WHY the breakup happened. 

 

If you lied, cheated, neglected or did anything other thing to someone else that hurt them intentionally, then please stop reading because no matter what you try to do at this point will not work.  Even if it DID work, it will not work long.  That is a 100% promise.  I see it like this, would you want to get back together with someone that PURPOSELY hurt you?  In the beginning, maybe so because your self-worth just got kicked in the teeth.  Love does NOT equal lied, cheated, neglected, etc. etc.  I wanted to go ahead and get this out of the way as not to waste time with those that know what happened.  If you or your ex were involved in malicious things towards one another (no matter how long you were together) ask yourself how this “How was that loving?”

 

One of the most asked questions in this forum is “Does getting back together happen?”  My very short answer is yes, it does BUT only the answer is short.  The process in POSSIBLY getting back together is a long one.  If you believe that if you do something sweet or buy someone something….or take them out for a date or lose weight and start going to the gym…whatever you do…if you don’t do these things for the RIGHT reason… its on you. 

 

Let me explain...

 

If you were in a relationship with someone and you cheated (or they did) for an example… no matter what you do, even if you get them back… you will always have that idea in your head that they might, will or could do it again (eventually).  Words are just words.  If words have no consistent loving action…then they are just words.  Have you ever heard of something called “buyer’s remorse”?  What this is is when you go out and make a quick decision on something you THOUGHT you wanted badly enough that the cost didn’t matter.   I want you to re-read that last part.  (the cost did not matter) and you end up regretting the very thing you wanted so badly in the first place.

The cost in this example is you.  Your peace of mind, your self-worth…the key is YOU.  It belongs to you.  When you get someone back (if you are able) if the things that made the relationship doomed in the first place are not fixe per se, then the relationship with be shorted lived.  Think of it this way, If you had a flat tire and you walked away from it without fixing it for 6 months, then you returned to the car…would the tire be fixed?  Absolutely not.

 

One of the BIGGEST components of getting back together is TIME.  I have said it over and over.  It is NOT easy to wait.  Who wants to wait around for someone else to make up THEIR mind.  You cannot, speak, feel or act (actions) for anyone else on this planet BUT YOU CAN INFLUENCE.  If you call, plead, beg, threaten, text 1000 times, you are ONLY LETTING THEM KNOW that they made a wise decision.  This is how THEY SEE YOU.  With desperation, we do desperate things.  I have done it. I have been there and done that and your guarantee is that it NEVER WORKS.  The more you make promises AFTER a breakup, the more they will see you a pitiful.  You may get a response, maybe even one that seems sweet but those responses are USUALLY from those that genuinely do not want to hurt you BUT ARE OVER YOU…at least for the time being.

 

Getting back together does happen but the advice given is NOT a game.  You are dealing with people feelings, hopes, dreams, futures…  Tread wisely because ALL my advice is based ONLY ON LOVE and being loving.

 

Getting back together happens when TWO loving people leave on good terms.  I know what your about to ask.  What the heck is good terms?  Good terms is when a breakup occurs and BOTH parties do their best to RESPECT the others decision.  The foolishness and mistakes start to happen soon after a breakup since the emotions involved are VERY raw.  Your heart hurts.  Your mind is preoccupied with thoughts about the relationship.  You pour over memories of the good times and some are confused on what just happened since they did not see the breakup coming.  No matter what happened, as long as you do what you can (no matter what) you cannot contact the other person.  I have made this mistake years ago and I want to pass this on to you.  You will regret it.  Why?  Being broken up with hurts enough and I mean it really hurts.  The last thing you want to do is come off desperate. You do not want to constantly beg and plead.  You are only setting yourself up for failure.  If you want someone back you have to let them miss you in a POSITIVE WAY. 

 

If I do nothing, how on earth are they going to miss me?  I will let you in on a secret… you already know the secret by the way its ACCEPTING it that I the hardest part.  By doing nothing, you cannot start creating a negative thought or thoughts in your ex’s head (or heart).  THIS IS VERY, VERY difficult to do.  Your brain will TRY and convince you that you need to act.  THIS IS WRONG.  You start to panic.  Your heart starts beating faster because if you do nothing someone else will take them away.  I know what that is like.  My heart was shattered so many years ago that I can STILL REMEMBER how it felt.  I give my advice based on experience like so many others here at ENA.  Desperation of ANY KIND is seen as negative.

 

Desperation = Negative result

 

Let me provide an example or two.. These are from my past.

 

1.)    I would call and try to talk to my ex.  I thought “we can talk this through.  We were together (fill in the blank) and we loved one another.  I know I can convince her.  (Epic fail)

-Result:  I came of as needy, desperate and weak.  NO ONE wants to come off that way.  EVER.

 

The first time you met your ex, I mean the VERY first time. Were they weak or needy?  What drew you to them in the first place?  I bet it was confidence, they way they looked and they way there was chemistry between two people. (At least on the first experience of meeting them). The feelings and reactions between you two made your mind, body and soul WANT MORE from the other person.  Does that make sense?  There was NOT a desperate, weak and needy feeling when you first met so why CREATE ONE on PURPOSE to ruin ALL the GOOD memories of you that they STILL carry in their heart about YOU?  Re-read that last line until it makes sense.

 

2.)    My ex called me one day at work a few weeks after our breakup.  She was in the tub (she told me that for whatever reason. I am merely telling the story for what it was).  I was delighted to hear from her.  We had a brief but light conversation.  (I was in the moment…heart beating faster, a shimmer of hope was gleaning someone in the darkness) until she hit me with it…  She proceeded to tell me that she slept with the “new guy”.  You heard it here folks, she called me to tell me because she felt it was only right for me to know that since she knew I wanted her back.

This is what happened to me.  I could go on but I wanted to provide you some examples of what NOT to do.  NO ONE wants to hear how great the replacement person is… the GOOD NEWS is that when something is new.  Well, plain and simple… its new.  They have not been given the time or opportunity to be their real self.  I refer to it as pulling off the mask.  We all act a certain way when we meet someone we like.  We all want to put on our best and do even things we would NEVER do in order to impress someone.  I have been there and done that myself so I am no exception.

 

What the above examples are showing (from my past) are just things that made me look weak or needy.  They also hurt me to the core. This is when I came to this forum.  I began looking over posts hoping there was some magical solution to make them love me again.  What I did NOT understand was how the heart and brain change functions after a breakup.  You start thinking with your heart and feeling with your brain.  You start making desperate decisions to call or bring flowers, write poetry, go to the gym to look better etc. etc. You try to convince yourself that if I do “this”….they will react “this way”.   WRONG!  You have NO IDEA how someone else will react to something.  Get the scenarios out of your head in order to make a fantasy that you thought of FAIL and have you look horrifically sad and needy.  “If I can only talk to him or her I can make them listen…”  Nope.  Try again.

 

If they broke up with you, they severed not only the relationship, but they also severed the exclusive access to you.   Now, the reality is also REVERSED.  You also lost the exclusive access to them. THERE is the rub.  THAT was one of the most difficult things to understand.  Its like trying to convince me that no matter how long you were together (we were together 8 years).  When someone throws in the towel, those years count for time together but it does NOT count on what their latest decision is (to break up with you). Here is the GOOD news about long term relationships.  They had the opportunity to create more POSITIVE memories over time than a NEW relationship with someone else.  Let’s say they have already started seeing someone.  Yes, it hurts like hell but you have no control over that the same they cannot control what you do and who you see.  It works both ways.  The advantage you have is simple. The more you do NOT make mistakes by calling, texting, stalking; whatever the case, the more POSITIVE things they are left with when they think of you.  Ok ok… I know what you’re thinking.  How do I know they will think of me?  Get that nonsense out of your head.  They ALWAYS will think of you.  NO matter what your brain and heart tell you…. They will.  How?  When the new person doesn’t do what you did and your ex DID enjoy whatever it was you did…. It will trigger a positive thought.  DO NOT get the wrong idea.  I am merely using this as a singular example of how someone COULD think of you. 

 

People can shop at the grocery and see something on the shelf that reminds them of you. I know it sounds silly, but its true. Think of it like this… how many things in your current situation are reminding you of your ex? And why?  Are they good thoughts or bad thoughts?  And again Why?

 

My advice should NEVER be used and a “If I do this…. They will do this” kind of situation.  Reconciliation takes time.  You have to find YOU again and stop thinking you are involved with your ex in any way.  This is the toughest part.  You want more than anything to see, hold and love your ex.  I know.. I have been there.  The nights are the worst.  Your mind starts to wander.  You start playing scenes in your head that are not there.  The anxiety builds and builds until….

 

You make a mistake.  You call.  You text over and over… and there is no response.

 

What happens when you make a mistake?  You have to reset all the time you did not communicate with your ex.  Does it mean anything?  Yes and no.  Yes, you made a mistake.  Once you do not get the reaction you wanted it hurts MORE.  This is typically followed with constantly beating yourself up even more.  You will sink even further since you will be trying to convince yourself that they no longer love or want to see you ever again. (Not true if you remain calm).

No, because if you learn from the FIRST MISTAKE you are not DOOMED to make them again.  You will have to do whatever you can in order to NOT make the same mistake you made.  The more mistakes you make, the more you are replacing the positive memories in their minds and heart.  You MUST let the dust settle.  After a breakup, you must do what you can to become selfish. (I know that sounds funny).  What I mean is you cannot let thoughts of your ex CONSUME you.  You have to make decisions for you and YOU Only. This is why it sounds funny because after loving someone, no matter what the length of time is, you don’t want to be or FEEL alone.  EVER.  Your mind will constantly be challenged.  You will have those thoughts of holding the one you love and doing all the wonderful things you did together.  The tears will come.  Let it out.  Write posts here (I did … over and over) I got all the raw emotions out.  It hurts.  I am not here to convince you that it doesn’t but your feelings are like a cloudy day. The darkness is only SHADOWING what is behind it which is you.  You were you BEFORE the relationship and you are still there.  The clouds will pass.  Turn the focus on yourself.  With all things, the small changes you make for you will become a habit.  Good habits of going out with friends, or family and doing what you can to get YOU back. 

 

The rub is once you get you back and you reflect on the past relationship, you can re-evaluate   what you did while in the relationship.  What I mean is, were you a good person with a big heart?  Did you take advantage?  Were you loving consistently and were you love back consistently?  Past relationships are like a rear-view mirror; you look back only when needed.  You don’t drive a car by looking at the rear-view mirror.  Its purpose is to look at what is BEHIND YOU.  If you focus on the past, you cannot EVER move forward.   You can only change things about you.  Your behavior, your appearance, the way you think or act towards others.  It takes time to grow.  You have to STAY in the present in order to grow.  The more you positively grow, the more you are able to focus on the future. 

 

Ok ok … I know what you are probably thinking… but what about my ex?  What about them?

 

I was getting to that.  By NOT creating negative memories after a breakup ( the mistakes we mentioned above) the more our ex’s will think of us in a positive light.  They memories of us will be GOOD ones filled with GOOD memories, loving memories.  The will possibly grow as well. They could possibly grow in a different direct (maybe just like you).  The key is when you grow individually and life somehow puts you back in the same situation (maybe seeing one another out months after a break) positive memories will come back.  The look of confidence from you and your nonchalant, casual smile and “good to see you” comments could be met with future correspondence. The more you focus on you and the more you give them EXACTLY what they asked for (space and time) the more it will be seen as a hidden gift of love.  To give someone exactly what they wanted shows LOVE.  Positive memories and not being desperate and demeaning or needy is the key to LOVING someone back.  It is NOT an direct act but a magical thing. 

 

Real Love NEVER dies.  To give someone love from afar is STILL LOVE.  To show them that you love YOURSELF to walk away and give them what the wanted… could be the very thing that could light that spark that we call “Hope

 

“Faith, Hope and Love…but the greatest of these is Love.”

1^st Corinthians 13 verse 13

 

I wish you all the hope and love.

 

Thank you for taking the time,

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Thank you.  I know we wouldn't have gotten back together if there had been cheating/infidelity or, post-breakup -needy interactions (ok I guess there was one a month later -I asked for him back but not in a needy way -he said no and I accepted no -we'd met for one more dinner).  

Also time was on our side.  Almost 8 years of limited contact and no bad feelings and lots of personal growth meant we were ready to start anew.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you Batya33.  Your story is just another example of how it DOES work if you can maintain and learn from possible mistakes BEFORE they start to add up.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

[SooSad33]

Yup, good words, good points SuperDave!

We're all different, we won't always match or work out.  Is just how it is.

We're human, we make mistakes and sometimes we learn 😉 .

We feel, which is why we 'act out' the way we do.  Showing ourselves as needy, with the begging etc.  People do it when they're freaking out inside 😕 .  And they need to come to realize with their lack of self control will not make things any better.

From the anxiety ( I had a rough time with), to learning to control ourselves and work through it all on our own .. to possibly in time, feeling better about it all and ourselves.  It's all an experience . Not nice mind you, but something you'll sometimes come to have to go through if you choose to get involved... My pov nowadays is, If I don't get involved, I won't get hurt, lol.

With that frame of mind & my own experiences over the years, I have not been involved for a good while and am in no rush to do so 😉 .  I'm okay on my own.

But, welcome back around.  yeah, been a few years!

 

[lostandhurt]

Good to see you stopping by again to drop some wisdom on the forum Dave.

  Wise words indeed

Lost

[SuperDave71]

Thank you lostandhurt.  This forum brings back a lot of memories.

 

Your Friend,

SuperDave71