How soon is too soon?

[temperamental_taurus]

Ok, I'm back here LOL, sooner than I had anticipated... but I have a question for everyone... How soon is too soon?

 

Here's the scoop. I've met someone - ALREADY... We've talked for 11.8 hours straight on the phone, we've gone out to lunch. He's reasonably attractive, successful, attentive, intelligent and a single dad.

 

The pluses: His family is very similar to mine, open, accepting, kind, personable. He calls when he says he's going to, he's polite, funny, has the same views on religion as I do. (WE'RE SIMILAR) He has a Monday thru Friday job that he's been at for 6 years. (HE'S STABLE) He tells me I take his breath away when he sees me. He opens doors, lights my cigarettes. (HE'S SWEET) He has no criminal background (yes, I checked this out myself). (HE'S SAFE) He raises his mildly autistic son completely on his own. (HE'S NURTURING) He's old-fashioned (so am I) and doesn't drink or do drugs (HE'S CLEAN) - yes, he smokes but so do I. He calls occasionally "just to hear my voice". (AWWW)

 

 

The cons? Well, I just got out of a relationship! So, how soon is too soon to start again??? To start seeing someone again, I mean. I know people say that you should be alone for awhile after a break-up, but I'd hate to turn this almost too good to be true guy away!!!

 

Does anyone have any advice on this? How soon is too soon???

[sidehop]

'reasonably attractive' LOL I just laughed at that for some reason. I don't know, maybe I didn't read the other thread but I guess it really depends how you honestly feel about the recent relationship you had? It sounds like he's making you happy & smile which is a good thing but emotionally if you're slowly starting to have attraction towards him then I think it's a great sign.

 

Then again if you two seem like things are going fast or you're wanting to be with him constantly then I'd say take a step back and take things slow? That's my thought...

[imagi]

Don't go by guidelines. If this feels right for you do it. If you're going to enter into another relationship so soon though, be careful and go slowly because you did just get out of a relationship. But, if it feels right and it feels like it could work.. don't second guess yourself or you'll regret it.

[annie24]

11.8 hours? aaack... that's a little too much too soon, if you ask me...

 

But anyways, sure, why not, go for it! Try to take things slow. Try not to get intimately involved for a while. If this man is as wonderful as you say he is, then don't let him go! Lord knows a good match is hard to find....

 

Are you sure you're not just rebounding....?

[lakergal]

Ummm... too soon... depends on these types of questions:

 

Why did you and your ex breakup? did he cheat on you? did he say you argued all the time? did he say you had different life styles/choices/etc?

 

Reason for asking?

 

If he cheated on you, you will drag that baggage into a new relationship unless you take the time to truly heal from that. Rebounding with someone else is bound to have you suspicious of everything the new person does... Ask yourself, if he were to go to lunch with a female co-worker, would it bother you? Ask yourself if you didn't hear from him one night if you would go nuts worrying he was with someone else...

 

If you fought all the time, why? Were you or he possessive of each other's time? If so, what's changed to make that different with someone new? Are you sure? Because usually people don't change their habits with someone new for the long haul - it's easy in the short term because of the endorphin/hormone rush... but if you're looking for something longer term, then... probably not... and the same issues that drove you apart from the last one, will more than likely resurface with the new one.

 

If you broke up because you're just two different people: for instance, he loves to hunt/fish and you can't stand the sight of dead animals much less killing them, then it's probably okay to date right away. If you're really into boating/sailing and he gets sea-sick thinking about it, then you're probably okay dating right away.

 

It really depends on what caused the breakup, what REALLY caused the breakup, and how emotionally available you are for someone new.

 

Hormones are always there - gosh knows they're not even dead at 40! BUT that doesn't mean I'm ready to be in relationship with someone. I KNOW I can't be stable and do the "right" thing when situations arise within a relationship right now... Things like: not question where he was, not hesitate to tell someone a direct answer to a hard question for fear of being beaten/misused/abused/verbally sparred with/etc. For that reason alone, I know my hormones may be ready but my head is not.

 

Where are you at with your head? (Rhetorical, I don't really need to know - just asking so you can ask yourself.)

 

So... be friends... take it slow... see wehre it goes... see how you respond to things that remind you of your ex (that always happens and your response will indicate your readiness to be involved seriously with someone)...

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, I say reasonably attractive because I'm so used to it being my ex's face that I'm sitting accross from... So it's DIFFERENT... so yes, he's attractive but it may take some time for that face to take the place of the ex's and for me to appreciate his looks as I had done with my ex when I first met him.

 

An example of today: He says - "I can't wait to talk to you after work"...I say "Thanks, that made me smile"... He says... "Good, it's my job to make you smile." How awesome is THAT???

 

So, I just don't know what to do!!! That's why I need your input!!!

[sidehop]

An example of today: He says - "I can't wait to talk to you after work"...I say "Thanks, that made me smile"... He says... "Good, it's my job to make you smile." How awesome is THAT???

 

Well whatever makes women happy I'm taking notes LOL. Seriously this guy sounds pretty serious about making you happy

[temperamental_taurus]

We split due to his alcoholism... Yes, we agrued because he'd get drunk and mean.. He never sought help for himself and I couldn't stand it anymore. This new person DOES NOT drink or do drugs and even went as far to make sure I wasn't a substance abuser either.

 

What I'm ready for is a relationship filled with love, respect and appreciation and kindness... but I'm nervous thinking that I could find that so quickly out of this relationship... Unless he's just a gift from God, with a little card attached saying, "Here, you deserve this!"

[lakergal]

If he was an alcoholic, did you go to Al Anon?

 

I highly suggest you go before and continue while dating someone new.

 

My guess, is that you're the classic enabler... I am.

 

My ex? The one that I thought heaven itself dropped on my doorstep after dating a recovering alcoholic (20 years worth)?

 

He said it was his job to make me smile too. He said he could hardly wait to hold me in his arms... he said EVERYTHING I needed to hear after leaving the recovering alcoholic... He wrote me poems about our future (omGosh how romantic)... he wrote me emails, he told me how awesome I was... it was absolutely breathtaking at how easy this man swept me off my feet... Oh my, his parents were still married and similar life style as mine, we'd grown up on the same side of the tracks so to speak, we had similar views on EVERYTHING, we even loved the same movies, we loved the same types of music, we were finishing each other's sentences by the time we'd dated for 3 weeks, the sex was incredible, I was on a high - he was PERFECT, he loved his kids and would get tears in his eyes talking about them (they moved away when he left his wife of 15 years - oh, the wife and the 4 kids... RED FLAG RED FLAG)... that said...

 

Last week he beat me for the last time. A month before that he left me for the last time. Three months before that, he left me before the last time he left me for the last time....

 

I had stopped going to Al Anon - I had gotten used to mean behavior, I let my boundaries down... I thought since he didn't hit me, what he said was okay.

 

I'm NOT saying this guy will be the same but my experience, 5 years in Al Anon, is that women/men who date alcoholics or addicts of any sort are the classic enablers and we are easily!!! wowed... as well as wooed. We also control, manipulate, play doormat really well.

 

Please take your time with this one. get to Al anon to recover from the affects of your last relationship... trust me, you have wounds to heal... and you may not even know it.

[temperamental_taurus]

I have a quick question before I head out the door... how much responsibility do we need to take for their disease though? He was an alcoholic when I met him, had been for years, hid it VERY well until I signed the lease and then it all came out. Honestly, I don't feel I had any part in his disease. I realized he was never going to change, moved out etc... Do I still care? Oh yes, I sure do... but not to the point that I'd let it ruin my life.

 

I've been told to go to Al-Anon, and I still may... but I did nothing to enable him... and I've never dated a substance abuser before. It does scare me, that yes, because of this I may fall into a pattern of dating unhealthy men, and so I want to take it slow... but do I send this guy away because of it??? What if he happens to be great? Or do I just take it slow and see how it goes?

 

In a perfect world, I wish he'd come along after I had a good 6 month break, so that's why I'm questioning what I DO with all of this... My ex ruined the last 8 months of my life, I really don't want to let his disease control anymore it... Although, it DOES seem a bit hasty, but the connection was swift... I let HIM talk, listening to how he'd fit me, not him just agreeing with what I had to say... THAT'S why it was errie... we were even finishing each others thoughts because of how similar our thoughts are...

 

Ugh, you guys... I don't know what to do... go to Al-Anon, continue to see him slowly or what??? Blah, I've got everything else together EXCEPT my social life....

[Falucchi]

What's the deal with HIS marriage? Why did his marriage end in divorce? Or was he ever married? Where's the kid's mother?

 

Meanwhile, are you basing this all on an 11 hour phone call and ONE lunch date? You meant you spoke on the phone for 11.8 hours and did not hang up??

 

Second, just because he told you all these things, what proof do you have that any of this is all true? Aside from no criminal record?

 

Third, if indeed you had 1 long phone call and 1 lunch date, why is this guy so eager to get into a relationship and why is he considering it "his job" to make you happy? So soon?

 

Sorry- I think you're blown away by this guy, and something doesn't seem quite right.

But, hey-- I love being wrong too!

[newts]

I hope this article helps. I agree with Lakergal. I think it's fantastic that you have fallen into the arms of what seems to be a knight in shining armour. Please read this article, it gives some insight into rebound relationships.

 

link removed It's called on the rebound[/u]

[lakergal]

First, we are responsible for NOTHING with their disease.

 

IF you go to Al Anon almost everyone who has been there will say:

 

90% of the disease is their controlling, manipulative, egotistical, selfish behavior

 

10% is the actual drinking

 

So, how were you affected?

 

How did he manipulate you?

 

How often did you say yes to something to appease him?

 

How often did you do something for him instead of for yourself (I know, every enabler says well that's to be compromising - yes and that is true until it happens each and every time)

 

What did you change in your life because of him?

 

How did he twist things you said into something else?

 

Why after 8 months did you realize he wasn't going to change? What did you want changed?

 

How often did he take your needs before his?

 

How often did he say one thing, do another?

 

How many commitments did he break with you?

 

How often did his drinking affect other behaviors?

 

How often did you feel anxious because of him - he's late, he's not home, he's out doing who-know-what?

 

People close to you have said to go to Al Anon - I strongly encourage it - if for no other reason than to hear why others have been affected by the drinking/behaviors.

 

I laughed when my RA asked me to go... said I don't have an issue with his recovery... HA!

 

I didn't think I was an enabler... but I am... and I'm no doormat.

[MetallicAguy]

If you feel it's ok to step into a relationship go right ahead, it's never too soon .

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, over the past couple of weeks I've been trying to get to know this new guy a bit more. And from what I can tell, he may be one of those few nice guys. And he hasn't given up on me even though I have my head so far up my ex-boyfriend's butt (am I allowed to say that on here?) I'm not entirely convinced yet, though, because men say and do alot when they want something. But he's been put in difficult situations regarding a bit of taunting by my ex and he's still stuck by me. Even sent a dozen colored roses to my work to cheer me up. He listens to me, gently inserts his opinion where needed and has acted like a gentlman throughout.

 

My ex on the other hand, well, I had thought it might have been improving over the last week. He's been much more sensitive to me and my needs regarding his new living arrangement with these 2 women. But eventually, the insults started creeping back in and ultimately he wasn't able to maintain an erection with me when we went to be intimate with each other. Which is a direct window into his head. He's just not "here" with me anymore - his sexual interest is elsewhere. Even admitted thinking about having sex with these women - a very hard thing for me, as his whatever, to hear.

 

So, I told him that I can't handle this and wished him luck. I want to be able to give this new person a chance. And I need to do it now before I frustrate him with my indecisiveness and he gives up. I want to be treated lovingly. I DESERVE IT!!! and I need it so badly right now. I want to start directing my time and energy on someone positive in my life... and so I've made up my mind. I'm going to slowly guide my heart in another direction. Wish me luck... no, wait! Wish me happiness!!!

[lakergal]

/knock

 

Hello???

 

You're questioning whether or not you should try with this new guy that you like but know little about by trying to have sex with your ex?

 

PLEASE STOP!

 

Figure out your own schizzle before dragging someone else into it.

 

It's obvious you don't have your own life figured out yet... someone who's truly wanting to move on, doesn't use the ex as a "litmus" test for something new.

 

Eesh... for both you and this other new guy, please stop... it's not fair to him if you're bed hopping... or trying to.

[temperamental_taurus]

I'm definitely not bed hopping... I have been very honest with the new guy, that I'm still kinda wrapped up in this saga with my ex... and I definitely won't be sleeping with him until it feels right. He has agreed that I can take as much time as I need to get me through this, that he'll be there for me. Time will heal all things and strengthen others.

 

In a perfect world, this guy would have come along after I had a good 6 month break from my ex. Reality is, he's here right now, willing to see me through this, realizes that this is a difficult time for me and yet is still willing to be supportive. Those qualities are hard to find in a man. He's willing to wait... and honestly, I'm not willing to get rid of him because of timing. Is that selfish? Perhaps, but maybe it's MY turn now, ya know? He compliments me, supports me, listens to me, is patient with me, tells me I'm worth it and you know what? Instead of just lip service I FEEL IT.

 

As far as moving on from the ex, I'm NOT ready, you're right. I loved him very, very much. I would have been stayed with him forever if he had treated me right... But what I've come to realize is that it I LOVED the feeling of being in love... how I felt about HIM... (so I'm a hopeless romantic, so what?) it was not returned, he'll never "get it"... and I'm too decent of a person to settle for that kind of treatment... guys like that will never change and I'm tired of all that anger, cruelty, resentment and negativity directed at me... let some other woman have him, I pass!!!

[lakergal]

Cool! Just take your time!

 

I imagine the woman who is now with my ex feels the same way...

 

he's so charming

 

he's so nice

 

he's so patient

 

he's so awesome! boy he'll wait for me, he'll help me through this and when she's ready, he'll be there...

 

yep, he will be and like the snake he is, he'll take her for the ride of her life. Unfortunately, it won't be the ride she's expecting.

 

Please make sure you check things out with this new guy. The way you sounded you were ready to jump him and then the ex came back...

 

If you really want a healthy relationship, give yourself time to heal first.

 

I'm there now. I loved my ex more than anything, would have done anything to make things work, almost gave my life's savings to build us a house I was uncomfortable with due to price... and he's scum... and I'm angry and hurt.

 

So, while it's disappointing that I left all my friends behind when I met him and now have to be by myself on a Friday night, that's the price I'm going to pay to figure my own stuff out before venturing into something new.

 

For me, I want to make sure I don't overlook anything... if it feels too good to be true, IT IS! My ex is a testament to that... I just didn't really see it or believe what I was seeing until too late. Predators know how to stalk, and wait. Think of a lion waiting in the grass.

 

I'm not saying this new guy is, but you're vulnerable from your ex, you're hurt from what he did. Give yourself and this new one time and find out those facts!

 

Good luck!