New(ish) relationship

[MissMelissa]

Not sure if 1.5 hours qualifies as "long distance" (but it sure feels like it).

First date was mid-February, and we met at least once per week until late March. Our dates lasted from 3 to 4 hours, full of talking and laughter. He (52M) asked me (52F) to be exclusive and we started spending every other weekend together (he has visitation with kids) and we would meet for dinner once during the week. This is approx. a 40-minute drive for me, and an hour drive for him, and he is also one hour ahead of me.

We were doing great until mid May, when he started working longer hours, which has caused us to miss 3 of our weekly dinners. I have been understanding and accepting, but am having a hard time dealing with the two-week gaps this creates. 

Last night I told him that I am feeling disconnected from him, and that we need to get back to our weekly dinner meeting, in addition to our every other weekend schedule. He said, We talk on the phone almost every evening, and we text throughout the day. I tried to explain to him that I don't bond through phone calls and text messages, that I need one-on-one time. And, while he seemed to understand it, I feel like this is a "me" problem.

Dating him has been amazing. He is attentive, caring, responsive, giving, funny .... everything I want in a partner. But I am really struggling with the limited time together, and am feeling the slow shift of emotions, which makes me very sad.

I guess I'm looking for some advice, some ideas, SOMETHING to help me bridge this summer gap and keep this relationship moving forward. He is coming to mine for the weekend, and I would love to have some ideas to share with him.

Thank you!!

[boltnrun]

Is his longer work schedule permanent? Or just temporary?

[Jaunty]

That kind of dating schedule is not realistic to maintain long term FOR YOU. This is because it's evidently the bare minimum that will work for you, and "life happens."  There are always going to be things that get in the way of personal free time, because that's the same time a person has available for things like work around the house, personal paperwork, the kids, etc.  It seems okay for him. 

Are you both looking towards closing the distance?  Do you talk about the future?   

[Kwothe28]

I would also like to know what are you doing to get closer together. For example whether in near or far future are there plans to maybe live together or just closer to each other. Like this, yes, you are seeing each other. But if there is future there, then you must also work in getting closer together. Unless you just want to see each other once a week and for that to be your relationship.

Also, I would maybe think differently if he is detaching, but he seems as responsive as at start, just that he cant see you as much. Maybe it will get back to normal in time, though it is something to observe for future. Part of dating is also making time for each other no matter how hard it is for us.

Is there any particular reason he took longer working hours? For example to have more money to see you? Or is it just some work thing like if they are short-staffed and needed him to jump with more hours?

[Andrina]

I know how important it is to get your needs met in how much time you spend together. I, too, would like to no why all of a sudden he's working longer hours. When I did OLD, I remember at least once rejecting a guy with a very young child, because I was about to have an empty nest, and I wanted someone who had more time for me. 

You made the deal of being exclusive under particular conditions that are now changed. Do you mean that you meet halfway for dinner which is 40 min. for you and and hour for him, and that one of you drives an hour and a half for every other full weekends together? 

An hour and a half is a pretty hefty distance when people work and have full lives. And then since he has children and you don't mention if you do, I'm assuming it'd be you who would move by him when it's time to close the distance if it even gets that far. Are you okay with that?

As for me, if he pooh-poohed my needs and didn't mention an ending date to longer working hours, then I might consider he's not the match I'm worthy of. You mention that you want ideas to bring up to him. But if he really cared as much about seeing you as much as you want to see him, he'd be equally coming up with ideas. Don't settle for crumbs and have to plead for someone's company.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, MissMelissa said:

, SOMETHING to help me bridge this summer gap and keep this relationship moving forward. He is coming to mine for the weekend, and I would love to have some ideas to share with him

Sorry this happening. Are the extra work hours just for the summer? You've already mentioned your distress about the distance and schedules making seeing each other difficult and lonely.

Unfortunately between work, single parenting and the distance all he seems to be able to offer is texting and video chatting. 

Are you concerned after 20 weeks dating that he's losing interest? Or that the time and distance hurdles may be a sign of incompatibility?

Try talking again this weekend, however it's not something you can fix if he doesn't have the time (or inclination) to spend more in person time together. 

[Cherylyn]

Accept his time consuming work responsibilities and his visitation with his kids or he's not for you long term.  Either acquiesce or be with a man who is preferably local and without baggage. 

Make do or do without.

[MissMelissa]

Thank you VERY much for your responses. To clear a few things up:

He was working a short-term job when we met, to help out a friend, so his hours were much more flexible. He works for himself now, which means longer hours for more pay. I am good with this, as his hours will decrease greatly in the fall, so there is an end-date in sight.

We HAVE discussed, VERY generally, long-term goals and he did say he wants us to work towards living together in the future. I would move to him because his area has more options for employment. 

I do not mind the every other weekend set-up, nor do I mind the drive to his every other weekend. It is a getaway, of sorts, for me and I rather enjoy it. He has not complained about driving to mine and, in fact, is coming down this weekend to mow my lawn and repair my broken back deck. At HIS insistence. 

His children are 15, and I've not met them, so I haven't been involved in his "kid weekends" yet, but that is something we're working towards. My kids are adults and only one lives with me full time. 

He is ABSOLUTELY not back-tracking at all, and is as committed to our relationship as he ever was. I am not concerned that he is losing interest or having second thoughts. We have both stressed that, if it feels like one of us is feeling a certain way, we will have a discussion.

I will definitely be having the conversation with him this weekend about how we can continue to move forward in our relationship, and the importance of getting back to our weekly dinner dates. He did drive to mine on a Tuesday evening and spent the night, leaving for work when I did, so we might need to explore doing that once or twice a month as an option. 

Thanks again for your comments. I definitely have some thinking to do. 

M-