Nervous for a date

[Alex39]

It was an awesome date. We talked for hours, just so much in common. Then we made popcorn together, and he made us drinks, and then we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. It was cute and innocent cuddling. He hugged me and gave me a kiss goodbye, saying he'll see me Tuesday night again. And he said he'll text me as soon as he gets home. 

 

He could have kissed me more, but overall I thought it was great. 

 

He even mentioned how he'll be traveling to Florida in a few months to see his brother- who lives there with his wife and children. And how maybe I could come.  

He was extremely nice to my pets, and such a gentleman.  He said he was telling his co-workers about me. 

He did leave quick after the movie. He offered to help me clean up, and he did, but he was yawning and very tired. But we got one basic peck kiss and cuddling. That was something. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

And this is why your opinion of this man's attraction to Alex is faulty. Your opinions are just mere speculations.

You don't know if this man is actually attracted to Alex or not. Yet you keep beating the horse that "well if he was attracted to you, he would have done x and y." 

Then for the icing, you say "oh Alex, I found out how much you weighed and now it makes sense. He isn't attracted to you because you're overweight. You're safe for someone with a sexual hang up." 🤦‍♀️

You are spiraling in your speculations! 

 

Yes of course I'm speculating, I have no idea, I've said that all along. 

Everyone was speculating, that he's aiming for sex, an FWB etc. 

I didn't think he would (try for sex) but nonetheless I was just tossing stuff out as possibilities as I find the entire sitch a bit baffling. 

I've also said things are not always what they appear to be and my speculations could be completely off!  

But yes agree, I was definitely spiraling, gotta work on that!  😃

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

It was an awesome date. We talked for hours, just so much in common. Then we made popcorn together, and he made us drinks, and then we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. It was cute and innocent cuddling. He hugged me and gave me a kiss goodbye, saying he'll see Tuesday night again. And he said he'll text me as soon as he gets home. 

 

He could have kissed me more, but overall I thought it was great. 

 

He even mentioned how he'll be traveling to Florida in a few months to see his brother- who lives there with his wife and children. And how maybe I could come.  

Fabulous!  That was so nice to read, thank you for the update! 

See?  Things are not always what they appear to be from the outside, just as I've said. 

I'm glad my specs were wrong.  💛

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

It was an awesome date. We talked for hours, just so much in common. Then we made popcorn together, and he made us drinks, and then we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. 

Good for you! Glad you didn't cancel and sit home alone on a Saturday night just to make a point. He may not be your forever guy but you're enjoying your life and dating again. Maybe he's flaky but time will tell you what you need to know. And you're taking it slowly which is also fine. 

[Alex39]

Do you think I should casually ask about being exclusive? Not boyfriend/girlfriend, but about dating others/stopping that? This was date 4. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 about dating others/stopping that? 

Give it some time. Don't lock yourself in. 

Usually the exclusive conversation comes around the time getting physical gets involved, not after 4 casual dates.

Wait on this. Try not to accelerate things or view vague future talk as actual plans. 

You're doing well so far, leave it at that. 

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Do you think I should casually ask about being exclusive? Not boyfriend/girlfriend, but about dating others/stopping that? This was date 4. 

Way too soon IMO. Two days ago you were considering forgetting about him because he'd cancelled on you again. 

And haven't you only gone on a few dates over less than a month?

Don't be so overeager to "get a boyfriend". Give the both of you a chance to get to know one another. 

[LootieTootie]

48 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Do you think I should casually ask about being exclusive? Not boyfriend/girlfriend, but about dating others/stopping that? This was date 4. 

Are you not wanting to multi-date and just date one person at a time? 

 

[LootieTootie]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

But yes agree, I was definitely spiraling, gotta work on that!  😃

Please do. Suggesting that someone's being on the heavy side makes them "safe"  and a man must have a sexual hang up because they aren't making a move are borderline trolling. This is a sure way of sending a thread off-rail because there are people who will actually engage in such absurd speculations.

Okay getting off my soapbox.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Do you think I should casually ask about being exclusive? Not boyfriend/girlfriend, but about dating others/stopping that? This was date 4. 

Not yet.  Please, please try to be at least a little bit objective.   I know you like him, seems like he likes you too, but he truly has flaked on you a significant amount.   You owe it to yourself to take some time and observe his patterns.  

If you don't want to multi-date, just don't.  But it would be wise to wait and see how this continues before doing anything official.

[rainbowsandroses]

46 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Please do. Suggesting that someone's being on the heavy side makes them "safe"  and a man must have a sexual hang up because they aren't making a move are borderline trolling. This is a sure way of sending a thread off-rail because there are people who will actually engage in such absurd speculations.

Okay getting off my soapbox.

Well in my defense I made a few suggestions, not just that he may have a sex hang up or he felt Alex was "safe."

Again the situation was baffling to me and was tossing stuff out just like everyone else.

As for my speculations being "absurd," first off it's your opinion not fact, and secondly it's no more absurd than suggesting he only wanted sex and an FWB as others did, but I did not which turned out to be correct.

Lastly we are all here voicing our opinions, why not allow us all to do so without accusations of "borderline trolling" and deeming certain opinions "absurd"?

I assure you I'm not trolling, borderline or otherwise, and resent the accusation and find it quite disrespectful towards a fellow member. 

We are all here trying to help the OP in our own way. 

I now suggest we get back to topic and do just that.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Do you think I should casually ask about being exclusive? Not boyfriend/girlfriend, but about dating others/stopping that? This was date 4. 

Not yet, no.

Wait and see if he becomes more consistent with following through on dates first. Wait and see if you still like him and want to see him as the next few dates unfold.  Don't rush this.

[Batya33]

I'm so glad you two had such a lovely evening!  And great that you already have plans for Tuesday.

Agree with all who said do not ask him about exclusivity and agree with all the reasons why.  

[Alex39]

Ok, not rushing. Just enjoying things as they are. 

It was such a good night. When we mentioned seeing each other Tuesday, he was like ugh, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, that's too many days. 

We were texting after and I mentioned that I wouldn't mind kissing him more. He said he really wanted to kiss me all night, but he got too nervous. 

But the good might kiss was fine. I think we'r e just getting into things and starting out. 

Honestly, I'm free to see him Sunday or Monday, I just randomly picked Tuesday out if a hat. 

 

[MrMan1983]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

It was an awesome date. We talked for hours, just so much in common. Then we made popcorn together, and he made us drinks, and then we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. It was cute and innocent cuddling. He hugged me and gave me a kiss goodbye, saying he'll see me Tuesday night again. And he said he'll text me as soon as he gets home. 

 

He could have kissed me more, but overall I thought it was great. 

 

He even mentioned how he'll be traveling to Florida in a few months to see his brother- who lives there with his wife and children. And how maybe I could come.  

He was extremely nice to my pets, and such a gentleman.  He said he was telling his co-workers about me. 

He did leave quick after the movie. He offered to help me clean up, and he did, but he was yawning and very tired. But we got one basic peck kiss and cuddling. That was something. 

Great stuff. This is a perfect lesson in people not making excess narratives/strong assumptions without enough information yet. Glad it went well though and sounds like he behaved like a gentleman 👍🏻 

[Type O Negative]

43 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Ok, not rushing. Just enjoying things as they are. 

It was such a good night. When we mentioned seeing each other Tuesday, he was like ugh, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, that's too many days. 

We were texting after and I mentioned that I wouldn't mind kissing him more. He said he really wanted to kiss me all night, but he got too nervous. 

But the good might kiss was fine. I think we'r e just getting into things and starting out. 

Honestly, I'm free to see him Sunday or Monday, I just randomly picked Tuesday out if a hat. 

 

That much for 'delete and block him, read relationship books' etc etc! Super happy you had a great time and that he was a gentleman! 🙂 Don't ask for exclusivity yet though, give it time. Here in Europe exclusivity is assumed from the start, makes dating life easier!

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

As for my speculations being "absurd," first off it's your opinion not fact, and secondly it's no more absurd than suggesting he only wanted sex and an FWB as others did, but I did not which turned out to be correct.

 

Suggesting outcomes is one thing.   Speculating reasons for them for which there have been NO indications is another.

He might have just wanted sex, or a FWB,  but there is not any hint that he has a "sexual hangup" or  doesn't like something specific about the OP's appearance which you think you've identified.   I think YOU have a lot of preconceived notions about what men like,  and you've decided that OP doesn't measure up to that criteria.  Straight up projection.

Also there is the "how men act" thing, which I am so weary of around here.  Men love to chase.  If a man is interested you will KNOW it.  Etc.  B.S.  Men can be shy, men can be insecure, or playing games.   A guy "taking your hand" or kissing you on a date might mean he's attracted to you and it might mean nothing.  Or he's just doing what he learned at PUA camp.  

Sure we have opinions or conjectures but we usually wait for some kind of "clue" from the OP before we run with reasons and diagnoses.  

I still don't have a strong sense, from what the OP has posted, that it is headed anywhere.   I would not venture to say why, it's just that the guy flaked and put OP on the back burner very blatantly and that means something.  Also I don't think much of the guy for doing it.   He is not obligated to be "into" the OP, practice dating and filling empty time is allowed for both of them.  It's the flaky thing that makes me think he's not a good option for "boyfriend."  

[spinstermanquee]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

the guy flaked and put OP on the back burner very blatantly and that means something... practice dating and filling empty time is allowed for both of them.  It's the flaky thing that makes me think he's not a good option for "boyfriend."  

Alex, I have to admit the first thing I thought when he invited you to the Saturday party that "might or might not have +1s," I thought "he is covering b/c he is waiting for someone else to RSVP and will cancel with Alex if/when she says yes."  Then when he canceled for "guys' night," same thing.  Then he canceled a cancellation with an excuse made me think "SHE (the first choice) canceled or flaked."  Now if I got any of this wrong feel free to toss my humble opinion to the side!

It just seemed fishy to me, but that's my take and only YOU know what the actual situation is since you're in it IRL.  In any case, glad to hear you had a nice evening with him, please enjoy your time, and know that you deserve to be FIRST choice, ALWAYS 🙂

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I think YOU have a lot of preconceived notions about what men like,  and you've decided that OP doesn't measure up to that criteria.  Straight up projection.

Appreciate the opinion Jaunty but you're thinking is incorrect.

And had you read all my posts, you'd have seen that yes while some of my speculations/opinions are at times a bit "out there" and I own that, I never claimed them to be fact, and am the first to admit when my thinking is faulty or flat out wrong.

I have an extremely open mind, I have advised posters, not just Alex, to stay open to ALL possibilities and again, that things are NOT always what they appear to be.

I am VERY happy that Alex and her guy had a great time and don't wish to take away from that in any way,

However addressing one of my earlier speculations that he may possibly have a sexual issue of some sort, it's still unclear whether he does or not.

In four dates, there's been no overture made in that regard so it's impossible to say either way so I WON'T.

What IS clear is that he's not in this for sex or FWB like some others have speculated.

All that said, like you, I don't have a strong sense of this man's true motives or whether or not it's heading anywhere, BUT I choose to remain positive for Alex's sake and give the entire situation the benefit of any doubt, and wish her all the best.

 

 

[Batya33]

I think Alex should take it one date at a time.  These are early days.  His first impressions weren't great.  The date last night -the fun they had, how they got along - plus his immediate follow up to see her again are very positive.  So -head in the clouds feet on the ground IMO.

[MrMan1983]

Flakiness is certainly less than ideal and agree with what it looked like however again it’s speculation, also it’s possible that he may become more and more invested the more they get to know each other.
 

I’m not proud to admit it but I’ve been guilty of flakiness in the past myself but partly due to anxiety and insomnia, then because it sounded too embarrassing to admit (as I felt it sounded weak) so I would come up with something else and then once I felt more relaxed or had slept well (as pressure was off) would come back with a last minute plan which didn’t come across well. Thankfully saw the error of my ways and just try and get on with it nowadays but just saying there’s a small (yep small) possibility there are other reasons for the past flakiness, he did mention about nervousness and maybe just another (relatively unlikely) angle to bear in mind. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

I'm not proud to admit it but I’ve been guilty of flakiness in the past myself but partly due to anxiety and insomnia, then because it sounded too embarrassing to admit (as I felt it sounded weak) so I would come up with something else and then once I felt more relaxed or had slept well (as pressure was off) would come back with a last minute plan which didn’t come across well.

Thank you for this^ @MrMan1983 and it's happened to me too, and others I know.  Social anxiety is a real thing and may cause us to behave in ways contrary to how we feel.

For me, it was sometimes a real struggle to get past the anxiety and nervousness and actually show up.

In fact, I nearly flaked on my STBX-husband for this reason, I was literally a nervous wreck right before our first meet!

But my friends convinced me to go and we got married six months later. 

I truly believe that people flake because of this more often than we think, especially since the birth of dating apps and sites where people have become so comfortable communicating and interacting from behind a screen. 

JMO 🙂

 

 

[boltnrun]

Alex, I would say just take it one date at a time.  Don't try to rush into an insta-relationship (despite others insisting that's exactly how they went about it, it's not common or recommended by me at least).  Let him get to know you and allow yourself to get to know him.  Right now you have food in your freezer you've had longer than you've known this guy.

I do find his two cancellations concerning but if he's reliable for the next date just keep that info in your back pocket.

And not every guy who doesn't try to leap on you immediately has "sexual hangups".  Maybe he's the type that equates intimacy with a committed love relationship.  I don't see that as a "hangup" but rather a nice, positive and respectful trait.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And not every guy who doesn't try to leap on you immediately has "sexual hangups".  Maybe he's the type that equates intimacy with a committed love relationship

I wholeheartedly agree with this FWIW.

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Right now you have food in your freezer you've had longer than you've known this guy.

😂