Two weeks ago...

[Kampuniform3]

...I was standing on the deck of my house watching the largest fire in Nova Scotia's history making its slow progress towards my property. 

Today, I'm 6000km from my home, sitting in a sailboat in Howe Sound, British Columbia, bobbing at anchor, having a drink, and trying to make sense of it all. 

Two years ago, tiring of the interminable grind of our fruitless property search in BC, with its utterly insane RE market, quite by chance my girlfriend and I stumbled upon a possible solution: Nova Scotia, where the real estate market is essentially still accessible to anyone of even the most modest means. 

Within a few months, we were off, throwing caution to the wind.  A word of warning to anyone contemplating such a venture: Don't, just don't, as will be made evident in my example.

We bought a home on the sea on five heavily-wooded acres. We were charmed by the houses' sweeping views of the Atlantic, the extensive apple orchard, and the peace and solitude. 

As they say, if you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans...

It wasn't long before we noted our period properties' deficiencies; it transpires that the locals aren't overly fond of outsiders ( they call them "Come from aways"), and they definitely didn't give us a standing ovation when we arrived; it was an extremely primitive society, and there was no possibility of integrating with the local population; etc, etc. 

Within a month of our arrival, it was clear to me that the move was a monumental mistake. 

My girlfriend shared my assessment of our new location, and was emotionally distraught to a degree that I haven't witnessed before. 

I suggested two options: Sell/leave immediately; or stay, fix-up the house, sell it for a profit, and then leave.  We chose the latter. 

It was rough...I mean really really rough.  I had no social interactions with another human being-apart from my partner-for two years; the locals turned on us, and we had to involve the police; hurricane Fiona damaged our house; and unlike in other communities where you can go out to a bar or restaurant to get a mental break, that option didn't exist in our town. 

The stress led to fighting...and drinking. 

Working on the house continuously  meant that my business started to falter. 

In time, my gf was so overwrought that she was just barely able to meet the minimum expectations demanded of her remote job, and towards the end, it was clear that she might be let go.

Sensing a catastrophe, I suggested that we had to move quickly on the renovation to avoid a disaster.

Then the largest fire in Nova Scotia's history occurred, and it was tracing a path towards our home.

When the mandatory evacuation notice was delivered, I chose to stay with the house, and do everything in my power to preserve it. I had poured my heart and soul into the thing for 16 months, and after all that misery, I was damned if I was going to see it all go up in smoke. 

My gf had recently formed a friendship with a woman who had followed an identical path as us, migrating from BC to NS in the fall, and had invited us to stay with her and her husband during the fire. 

It wasn't long before the power was cut, and I could no longer communicate with the outside world.  

Four days after my gf and I parted company, the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) arrived at the property to do a wellness check. They had received the call from my gf's friend. The RCMP told me that my gf was inconsolable with worry, so I chose to abandon the house, and join her in town. 

There's just one catch: my gf wasn't distraught; she was irritated. She was as cold as ice, and didn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. 

The next 24-hours were a strain, as it was clear that not only was my gf annoyed with me, but so was my host. The husband and I got along instantly, and had a good laugh together. 

I did a lot of soul searching while in our house watching the fire progress each day, let me tell you. It changed me. 

24-hours after my arrival, I walked the 17km back to the property, drunk out of my mind, and reasonably certain that the relationship was over. 

We had all gotten drunk that night, and for the first time in two years, I was laughing and happy. 

However, it was very obvious that my gf was really really irritated with me, so at one point in the evening, I asked her to accompany me outside to see if I could understand what the issue was in private. 

I didn't get more than two words out of my mouth before she turned on her heel, and walked back into the house. 

I found her back in the living room, sitting on the sofa, arms and legs crossed, and pouting. Our hosts were also present. 

I asked her if we could continue our conversation in private, and she completely ignored me, despite asking one more time. 

At this point, my gf's friend noted our exchange, and advised me to leave my gf alone. 

I told her that this was a private matter that didn't concern her, and that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't think of intruding into issues between her and her husband. 

Anyway, there was a bit of back-and-forth on this theme for a few minutes before I lost it. I had been drinking that night, had endured more stress, hopelessness, and misery in the last 16 months than I had in the previous decade, and risked my life in a forest fire. I told all of them to go F themselves. I told them all that I had had enough of the endless f-ing BS and wanted to go home (BC).  I left, and walked 17km through the night, bushwhacking through the forest to get around the road blockades. 

Now things were very bad: the fire was less than a kilometre away, and I had no power. A miracle occurred: with the fire less than 800 meters away, the rain came down like I never seen before in my life, extinguishing the flames. 

One fire out, the other still raging. 

Four days later, the power returned, and I sent my gf an email telling her that we really, really needed to have a discussion regarding everything that had occurred during our time in Nova Scotia, and we needed to sort everything out. 

I received a curt/abrupt reply stating that she had already consulted with a lawyer, and was going to minimize all contact with me. Her friend doesn't want me on her property.   

My gf will not respond. 

We are a common law couple, so both of us have rights and responsibilities. 

I flew out of Halifax bound for British Columbia two days later.  

My instinct is telling me to give her at least a month's breathing space before making another attempt at communication. 

Yes, our relationship was under a considerable strain, as I detested my life in Nova Scotia, and although I did communicate this to her on rare occasions, my instinct was to keep all pressure off her, as she was in a far worse emotional state than myself. 

Here I am having a drink with my friend on his sailboat in BC, marvelling over the fact that just a week-and-a-half earlier, I was standing on my deck in Nova Scotia with a forest fire just 800 meters away.  

All of this is a bit of a brain f&$k.

Any thoughts?

 

[LootieTootie]

I'm not sure if you mentioned this but how long were you and your gf together before you made this move to NS?

Is your house in NS intact?

 

[Kampuniform3]

We had been together for six years prior to our move to Nova Scotia, and the house is perfectly intact...thank god. 

[Coily]

Dang.

My first thought is in who's name is the house?

While your outburst may have turned the bridge to ash, the fire had been lit long before this. Quite honestly given the level of stress with the isolation and fire, I don't know many who would have been able to keep their cool; especially when feeling ganged up on.

Given that your instinct is to wait a month, and her unwillingness to even have a civil conversation about the property; I would suggest a lawyer or other neutral 3rd party to contact her. Regardless engage a lawyer to start handling this to save yourself from being blindsided.

I am also wary of that "friend" of hers being an undue negative influence.

Best of luck, it sounds like a whirlwind.

[Kwothe28]

I think that you should sell your home and split that money with her. She is not interested in making out and she even pulled the lawyers there. You should do that as well. Dont think there is any other path here, sorry. She just doesnt want to talk or work with you. Whether its because of "friends" influence or just her, it doesnt matter. 

[Kampuniform3]

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

Dang.

My first thought is in who's name is the house?

While your outburst may have turned the bridge to ash, the fire had been lit long before this. Quite honestly given the level of stress with the isolation and fire, I don't know many who would have been able to keep their cool; especially when feeling ganged up on.

Given that your instinct is to wait a month, and her unwillingness to even have a civil conversation about the property; I would suggest a lawyer or other neutral 3rd party to contact her. Regardless engage a lawyer to start handling this to save yourself from being blindsided.

I am also wary of that "friend" of hers being an undue negative influence.

Best of luck, it sounds like a whirlwind.

Thanks, very sound advice indeed, and I agree with your assessment.

I do think that the "friend" had a very large role to play in this, as the behaviour was not in keeping with my gf's character at all.

The friend reacted to my request to have a private conversation with my gf like I had been savaging my gf with a bull whip. It was all so peculiar.  

It was an extremely stressful environment, made infinitely worse by the forest fire, so everyone was on edge, so I don't know how much of this contributed to the massive over reaction  

I'm hoping that with a little time and space to reflect, some clarity will emerge on her end. 

She was struggling with the just the basic daily necessities, so I think she'll have an epiphany when she recognizes that moving/stacking four cords of wood on her own to prepare for winter (along with hundreds of other outstanding house issues) is going to be impossible to accomplish by herself.

I predict that her "friend" won't be as willing to be so friendly when it comes to helping my gf stack 4 cords of firewood, etc, etc. 

[LootieTootie]

I don't think you should give her a month to talk about getting back together, if that was your plan. Maybe reach out to an attorney, like Coiley, had advised. You both realized that NS was not a good move but you can still sell the property, thank gawd, and split the $ (if her name is on the deed too).

The way she was treating you in a very critical time and in front of her new friends, it says a lot about her character but also her head space. I think you need to give yourself a break too. Wildfires are no joke and I'm happy you both survived and your house is still intact. A lot of things could have gone wrong and if everything wasn't so bad already, I'm sure you both would have just thanked your lucky stars you both still had each other.

But like I said, I think she was already checked out of the relationship. 

[Kampuniform3]

6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think that you should sell your home and split that money with her. She is not interested in making out and she even pulled the lawyers there. You should do that as well. Dont think there is any other path here, sorry. She just doesnt want to talk or work with you. Whether its because of "friends" influence or just her, it doesnt matter. 

Yes, I agree.  But it doesn't hurt to let a bit of time pass just in case.  

Her stress tolerance didn't match mine by several leagues, and she had a mountain of personal worries, not the least of which was her sister's ongoing battle with cancer, and her brother recently falling ill as well.

We truly had the worst experience in Nova Scotia imaginable, and we had no good days.  Not a single one in two years.

Having dealt with lawyers extensively, it truly is like paving a road to hell when you commit to this route, so it would definitely be a last option. 

I thank you for offering your advice. 

[Kampuniform3]

10 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I don't think you should give her a month to talk about getting back together, if that was your plan. Maybe reach out to an attorney, like Coiley, had advised. You both realized that NS was not a good move but you can still sell the property, thank gawd, and split the $ (if her name is on the deed too).

The way she was treating you in a very critical time and in front of her new friends, it says a lot about her character but also her head space. I think you need to give yourself a break too. Wildfires are no joke and I'm happy you both survived and your house is still intact. A lot of things could have gone wrong and if everything wasn't so bad already, I'm sure you both would have just thanked your lucky stars you both still had each other.

But like I said, I think she was already checked out of the relationship. 

I really cannot argue with your logic...except on one matter:

I had checked out too, to the same degree as her. All I wanted was to finish the renovation, sell the house, and start again elsewhere. 

When you're in this situation of complete exhaustion and stress, both of you do check out, and the relationship gets "phoned in" at best when you're in this state.  You just have no further resources at your disposal anymore, and the relationship survives by commitment alone.

I told her that for every day spent in misery here, it robs us of a day of joy spent elsewhere, and she agreed.  

My assessment was that she was just letting me get on with the work unimpeded, and was crushed by her own worries. 

I was exhausted by the endless struggle, and crushed by my own worries. 

As she wasn't coping at all, I just chose to not burden her with anything at all.  

[LootieTootie]

Thanks for adding more context about her personal worries. Sometimes when a relationship is under a lot of stress and anxieties, it's either "lets make it or break it."

Give it time and see if she will come around and have a chat with you about the house. I don't think she wants to stay in NS and her contacting her lawyer seems to say she isn't trying to save the relationship. I'm sorry but at least you still have your house.

[Kampuniform3]

6 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Thanks for adding more context about her personal worries. Sometimes when a relationship is under a lot of stress and anxieties, it's either "lets make it or break it."

Give it time and see if she will come around and have a chat with you about the house. I don't think she wants to stay in NS and her contacting her lawyer seems to say she isn't trying to save the relationship. I'm sorry but at least you still have your house.

Thanks, I really appreciate the input.

Ultimately, no one behaved appropriately on the night of our argument, and it was all attributable to stress/alcohol both being present in massive quantities. 

Tell me if I'm incorrect in my assessment, but if my gf was already crippled by stress, and exercising poor judgment, it follows that after our argument the stress went off the charts, hence shutting down completely, and an impetuous move to seek legal advice. 

After all, all she had to work with was witnessing me reaching my personal limit, belting out some expletives, and telling everyone that I had had enough "F-ing bull***" and that I wanted to go home. 

I was in the Halifax airport waiting for my flight, and after having a bit of breathing space, I could instantly see all the errors and missteps we committed over the last two years. You really can't see the woods for the trees when you're so embedded in these sorts of things, and when stress is just your daily bread and butter. 

I wouldn't be surprised if she is making identical discoveries on her side right now.

Either that, or she dances a jig on my pictures every morning shouting "Hallelujah he's gone!!!"

Somehow I don't think so.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as it's clear you spent some time in reflection before doing so. 

[Cherylyn]

My thoughts are this:  Stop contacting her.  If you want to resume the relationship,  wait for her to contact you.  However,  the longer she ghosts you,  the clearer the answer is for you to expect moving on without a relationship with her.  Since she already consulted an attorney,  it sounds like she's very serious about severing ties with you.  Prepare to sort out your finances with her through her attorney should the attorney contact you. 

I'm sorry about your scary fire 🔥  situation but glad your house 🏡  was spared.  👍

[Kampuniform3]

13 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

My thoughts are this:  Stop contacting her.  If you want to resume the relationship,  wait for her to contact you.  However,  the longer she ghosts you,  the clearer the answer is for you to expect moving on without a relationship with her.  Since she already consulted an attorney,  it sounds like she's very serious about severing ties with you.  Prepare to sort out your finances with her through her attorney should the attorney contact you. 

I'm sorry about your scary fire 🔥  situation but glad your house 🏡  was spared.  👍

Thank you.

Yes, I broke all contact when it was clear that she wasn't receptive.  Me stating that "She wouldn't respond" was my clumsy way of saying that she wasn't receptive to my suggestion to dialogue.  It was a one-hopeful-shot email, and then I let the matter drop. 

Yes, I agree about her making first contact as being the most sensible choice now, after thinking about it all day, and reading everyone's advice.

 

I'm just going to get on with living a productive, happy, and stress-free existence right now, and if she ever contacts me, we'll see where it goes.  

 

 

[smackie9]

I live in BC too, and Canadian laws state when you live common law, all assets are owned by both no matter who's name is on the title. You assume the same laws and benefits as being married except for Quebec residence. They live by their own rules from the rest of Canada.

I say if you don't hear from her soon, start legal action to liquidate all assets and part ways. 

Oh and welcome back to Beautiful British Columbia. 

[Kampuniform3]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I live in BC too, and Canadian laws state when you live common law, all assets are owned by both no matter who's name is on the title. You assume the same laws and benefits as being married except for Quebec residence. They live by their own rules from the rest of Canada.

I say if you don't hear from her soon, start legal action to liquidate all assets and part ways. 

Oh and welcome back to Beautiful British Columbia. 

Thanks, mate. After being away from BC for two years, and adjusting to a bleak and sterile existence in Nova Scotia, being back in BC is like being in Heaven. Seeing the mountains again was a huge thrill.

 

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

Thanks, mate. After being away from BC for two years, and adjusting to a bleak and sterile existence in Nova Scotia, being back in BC is like being in Heaven. Seeing the mountains again was a huge thrill.

 

I could never be without those mountains! I look at them everyday 🙂 Especially during sunset, so pretty. 

[Wonderstruck]

23 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

It wasn't long before we noted our period properties' deficiencies; it transpires that the locals aren't overly fond of outsiders ( they call them "Come from aways"), and they definitely didn't give us a standing ovation when we arrived; it was an extremely primitive society, and there was no possibility of integrating with the local population; etc, etc. 

You have a very condescending, judgmental attitude throughout this post, and I'm wondering if you exude this attitude in real life, so much so that maybe the "locals" picked up on it and rightfully disliked you?

 

23 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

 I had no social interactions with another human being-apart from my partner-for two years; the locals turned on us, and we had to involve the police;

Can you explain a bit more about this?

How did the locals "turn on you", and why did the police need to be called?

 

23 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

I received a curt/abrupt reply stating that she had already consulted with a lawyer, and was going to minimize all contact with me. Her friend doesn't want me on her property.   

My gf will not respond. 

Your girlfriend sounds disgusted with you and SCARED OF YOU.

Please leave her alone.

[Kampuniform3]

1 hour ago, Wonderstruck said:

You have a very condescending, judgmental attitude throughout this post, and I'm wondering if you exude this attitude in real life, so much so that maybe the "locals" picked up on it and rightfully disliked you?

 

Can you explain a bit more about this?

How did the locals "turn on you", and why did the police need to be called?

 

Your girlfriend sounds disgusted with you and SCARED OF YOU.

Please leave her alone.

Thanks for your unique and refreshing brand of candour.

Quite a scintillating interpretation.  

[SooSad33]

On 6/13/2023 at 4:31 PM, Kampuniform3 said:

I was exhausted by the endless struggle, and crushed by my own worries. 

As she wasn't coping at all, I just chose to not burden her with anything at all.

I say she's the same way atm, struggling with her own inner battles 😕 .

Yup, focus on YOU now, deal with the necessary 'legal battles' and aim at moving on with your life.  You know her choice and need to accept... so, expect no more.

Welcome back home (BC).  Good luck!

[Kampuniform3]

32 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I say she's the same way atm, struggling with her own inner battles 😕 .

Yup, focus on YOU now, deal with the necessary 'legal battles' and aim at moving on with your life.  You know her choice and need to accept... so, expect no more.

Welcome back home (BC).  Good luck!

Very simply and elegantly stated, and I agree with your assessment. Thank you. 

[1a1a]

Whatever her good qualities may be, she wouldn’t even do you the kindness of a proper conversation about something as serious as the relationship breaking down. (And she dragged you out of the house just to give you the cold shoulder, ***?)

 

It’s reasonable to conclude that if your relationship does survive this, she will behave the same, unkind way next time the chips are down. 

PS I grew up in a country town and I lived that excluded life so thoroughly I didn’t even pick up on the condescension. It’s very hard to connect with narrow minded people when you don’t fit their idea of acceptable person. 
 

Edit to add: I’m glad you’re the hell out of there. Viva La next chapter!

[catfeeder]

What a frightening experience, and my heart goes out to you.

How was GF's attitude toward you before evacuation?

Do you believe that her rage was fueled by your choice to risk your life to remain on the property, or was she turning hostile toward you before that point?

[Kampuniform3]

2 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Whatever her good qualities may be, she wouldn’t even do you the kindness of a proper conversation about something as serious as the relationship breaking down. (And she dragged you out of the house just to give you the cold shoulder, ***?)

 

It’s reasonable to conclude that if your relationship does survive this, she will behave the same, unkind way next time the chips are down. 

PS I grew up in a country town and I lived that excluded life so thoroughly I didn’t even pick up on the condescension. It’s very hard to connect with narrow minded people when you don’t fit their idea of acceptable person. 
 

Edit to add: I’m glad you’re the hell out of there. Viva La next chapter!

Wow, mate, just wow!  You fully get it!  Just an amazing comment, and I raise my glass to you...literally. 

[Kampuniform3]

18 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

What a frightening experience, and my heart goes out to you.

How was GF's attitude toward you before evacuation?

Do you believe that her rage was fueled by your choice to risk your life to remain on the property, or was she turning hostile toward you before that point?

 Thank you.

I don't think I've ever felt more alone in all my life than when I chose to remain behind, and safeguard our property.  The combination of my friends and family being 6000km away, and watching the fire creep slowly closer every day, really affected me deeply.  

That's a very good question. Before the evacuation our situation had stabilized considerably, and we were getting along very well. 

When I abandoned my watch upon our property, I was so dismayed to find her in a petulant mood, as remaining behind was to our mutual benefit. As well, my only reason for returning was that the police officer told me that she was extremely distraught, which she wasn't. 

Even with insurance, your life is torn apart for years after a house fire.  When we parted company during the evacuation, I reminded her that if we lost the house, that would truly be the end, and we'd never bounce back from the loss after all the sacrifices we'd made over our years there. 

I'm now at anchor at Sidney Spit in BC after sailing all day. I just cannot understand what happened, and why she chose to just jettison me out of the blue.  Everything I did, I did for her/our sake. It makes no sense to me. 

Thank you for listening, as I'm really struggling with all of this.

[kehratha]

OP,

I totally gets you with moving in a small countryside city, being there myself (not even my own country, so even "better"), moved out after 1 year.

As for you GF, I would also let the dust settle. One month is nothing in the great scheme of things.

All of you were under a huge stress and things for sure have being said in not very smart manner.

Meanwhile, prepare yourself for the financial/ legal parting ways.