Girl friend of 3 years is completely uninterested in sex. Unsure of where to go from here.

[Clox10]

So yeah basically me and my girlfriend do not do anything sexual anymore. I have no idea where to go from here. I don’t want to toss away a three year relationship over sex but I don’t know what else I can do?

 

It’s not like there’s a lack of communication over this on my end either. Especially recently I’ve been pretty open about how frustrated I’ve been but as far as I’m aware she’s just not interested in sex. 
I feel like an open relationship is off the tables too. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

 

[Whirling D]

Ouch… Yikes… that’s tough. It would certainly be tough for me, as well.

so… Basic information… How old are you guys?

you say you have communicated about the subject… What have you guys talked about, and have you been able to determine what kind of problems exist that exacerbate the lack of sexual interest?

 

[1a1a]

Time for an honest if awkward conversation when you’re both calm about how although you love her dearly, no physical intimacy for ever more is a deal breaker for you. 
 

Ask her how she feels about the current cool bedroom. Would she like more intimacy? Would she be interested in trying some of the things in this post/comment thread to warm things up? Is it possible that you two have grown incompatible in the physical intimacy department and might be better served dissolving the romantic partnership.
 

https://captainawkward.com/2011/07/12/reader-question-74-guest-post-keeping-it-sexy-in-a-long-term-relationship/

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Clox10 said:

 I’ve been pretty open about how frustrated I’ve been but as far as I’m aware she’s just not interested in sex. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Do you live together? When did the intimacy start dropping off?

How  is the relationship overall? Are there conflicts or arguments? Do you get along and spend quality time together? Go on dates? Still do romantic things? 

 Do you have similar goals and values regarding the future? Are there financial or other pressures?

Do either of you have mental or physical health issues or issues with substance misuse? Have both of you kept up your health, fitness and grooming? 

How was your sex life before it started  dwindling ?How has she responded to your suggestion of an open relationship and your explaining you're frustrated? 

Unfortunately nagging won't help. In fact it's unattractive and will make matters much worse. Try to find out the reasons behind what is going on. Often things cooling off in the bedroom is not an isolated situation. 

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Clox10 said:

Especially recently I’ve been pretty open about how frustrated I’ve been

And what was her response to this? 

[Batya33]

What are her reasons? Is she saying no more sex ever or for the time being? Have there been any pregnancy scares?

[Starlight925]

You asked if anyone had been in a similar situation.

The only time that happened to me was when he was having an affair.

There could be a million reasons for this, and you could get all kinds of feedback, but the only thing that matters is, how do you feel about this?  Obviously you no likey, lol.  I get that.

How long has it been?

A week, several weeks, months, years?

At some point, you will have to make a decision, as you are not expected to make a formal lifetime commitment in this scenario.

[Volio]

I’m in a similar situation with my wife, but we have a young toddler, which is likely the root cause of my wife’s decreased libido.

One thing we’ve found recently is, while my wife isn’t ever in the mood, once we start, she gets in the mood pretty easily. The hurdle is getting past that initial agreement to get sexual and her opening up enough to allow me to arouse her.

How old are you both? If you’re in your 20s or early 30s and childless, sex shouldn’t be a chore (it shouldn’t be a chore for any age with a good relationship, really). But I’d have far less tolerance to remain in a relationship where the sex was lacking if we weren’t married and had no kids. You should be with someone who can’t wait to have her way with you, and vice versa, especially when you’re young.

[Lambert]

It's time to decide if this is the life you want.  Yes, three years is a long time but you're not married.  I'd end it. 

You have to find someone who is compatible with you naturally. Not someone 'almost but if they'd just change one thing.'  

If you've made your needs known and zero effort to meet them is even discussed, you're really not losing anyone great.  Sorry. It is hurtful.

[redswim30]

3 years is a very short time for someone to suddenly go chaste for no reason. 

The good news is you aren't married.  If she isn't willing to even discuss this with you, then you really have two options- 

1. Break up (which is my suggestion) 

2.  Resign yourself that while you're with her, you will be in a chaste relationship. 

IMVHO, I really dislike that society uses the terms "throw away a relationship" as if it's an item or as if it's something you HAVE to stay in to be considered a "good person".   Being in a relationship is a CHOICE and no one ever HAS to stay with you.  It's a daily choice you make.  If someone is turning into someone you wouldn't CHOOSE to be with or decide to go down a lifestyle path that you are uncomfortable with- you have every right to leave, it doesn't make you "bad" to leave a situation in which you are no longer compatible.  It's like if a spouse suddenly starts abusing you, you aren't "throwing away" a relationship because you choose not to stay with someone who has now decided to start hitting you.  BTW, withholding sex without a conversation or explanation or effort to even discuss IS a form of psychological, and emotional abuse. 

I say this all the time- We live in a society that promotes the "fairytale"- if you don't stay together FOREVER, you're somehow a failure.  When the truth is- every single relationship ends.  IMO, the view we ought to have is the honest one-  There is no such thing as "forever"- in every single relationship you will ever have- someone leaves or someone dies.  "Forever" is a made up myth. 

Some relationships are meant to last only a short time.  Sometime we get what we needed from that relationship and we outgrow it and move on.  Sometimes we realize we are incompatible and move on.  Sometimes someone changes in a direction we cannot follow and we move on.  You aren't a bad person for wanting to move on from someone who has made such a drastic change and is unwilling to even make an effort to discuss it or meet you in the middle. 

If I were you, I'd break up - but if you REALLY want to give it one more try- Try one more serious talk- 

Something along the lines of " I know this can be uncomfortable, but we have to talk about this new and ongoing issue in our relationship.  I need you to discuss with me why your feelings about this changed and if you are willing to work on this with me.  If not, we may need to talk about going our separate ways, as I have no interest in being in chase relationship."  

If she closes off and isn't receptive to this talk- there's your answer.   If she really cares about you, then she'll be open to a discussion if she cares at all about losing you. 

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Clox10 said:

It’s not like there’s a lack of communication over this on my end either. 

Good! I’d communicate that she’s been well aware of my position on this, and I’m walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If she ever gets her sexual aversion worked out and wants to become sexual again with me, she can let me know. If I’m still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

This leaves your door open to reconciliation if that’s in the cards for you, even while it frees you to find a better match and build a better future for yourself.