End of a friendship

[Babe210]

I am really struggling moving forward from a friendship breakup . Recently one of my really close friends really hurt me . Long story short she ended up siding with a man that she has been with for less than a year. She accused me of doing something with her husband when in real sense it was him who was coming onto me , I even recorded a voice memo of him trying to come onto me . And me denying him . But I never had the chance to show her this because he went and told her a completely different story and she believed him. 
 

at the end of it all I atleast never expected to receive personal attacks from her . She has gone ahead and used some of the things I told her throughout our friendship, thing I confided in her about my family , she used it all to say terrible things. And it’s just been really hurtful to see , it has me thinking whether this person was truly my friend . She even claims that people had warned her about me and she didn’t listen. I am just so saddened by this , at the end of it all she decided to come to my apartment and basically beat me up , I ended up calling the police and she was arrested. It’s just been a tough situation to deal with as this is someone I saw growing old and raising our children together. One thing that’s really hurtful too is some friends that I thought were my friends went ahead and removed me off of social media which I’m assuming is them picking a side . And that even hurt me more , at the very least I was expecting the mutual friend to not pick sides but seeing this is making things very tough , I am having to move out of my apartment as it’s in same building that she stays with him and I don’t want to have to run into them in the hallway or elevators. It just feels unfair that I am the one that has to leave and uproot my life but I have to do it for my safety reasons . 
 

How does one even move on from a situation like this ? 

 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry for your struggles. I hope for you that now that she is out of your life you can move on slowly -baby steps and make new friends and do new activities. I'm so glad she was arrested! I hope today is better.

[Starlight925]

Friendship endings can be just as hard, sometimes harder, than relationship endings.

With relationships, we often know there's a "sell" date, whereas with friendships, we want them to last forever.  

When they end, we not only mourn the existing friendship, but we mourn the future friendship, as you said, the thought that you'd grow old and raise your children together.

This is the stuff of movies and TV sitcoms.  Bea Arthur, of "Golden Girls", said that 4 senior women living together makes for a great TV show, but would never work in real life.  

We all want to be part of that community, that cul-de-sac neighborhood that we see on TV, where BFF's stroll their kids together, discuss marital issues, enjoy lunch, yoga, and family vacations.  In reality, much of what happens is what's happened in your case:  one person's unhappiness in her life turns against you, and you become an unwilling target of personal attacks that are not only unfounded, but in your case, it ended up as physical violence.

I'm sorry you're going through this disappointment.  I had dinner just last night with a friend, where we discussed a friendship I ended over a year ago, and honestly, it still hurts.  Started off as "BFF's", ended with her saying things about me that simply were not true, plus little hurtful jabby comments.  Over a year later, and it still hurts if someone posts a party picture & she's in it.  So I do get where you're coming from, and all I can say is, keep going, find your nice friends, and eventually, this one will be in your rearview mirror.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  I can relate @Babe210. 

My situation stems from years ago which culminated into estrangement with my local (or I should say loco) sister of all people. 

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  it resonates with me as there are parallels. 

Like you,  I envisioned growing old with my sister,  our husbands as buddies (her husband and my husband),  cousins remaining close (her 3 children ~ my nephew,  nieces,  my sons),  all of us enjoying camaraderie,  being together often,  the whole works.  It wasn't meant to be and even though I don't have to like it,  I've grown to accept this new reality check.  Acceptance is healing.  Healing is moving on towards recovery,  actually feeling relieved and happy.

My brother-in-law (BIL - my sister's husband) is some piece of work.  ☹️  He's extremely rude with whatever he spews from his filthy mouth,  the narcissist that he is.  My sister is a narcissist, too.  BIL always dispenses the most inappropriately obnoxious comments at the most inopportune times.  No one is spared his wrath. 

If my sister engages in a conversation with others or worse yet,  compliments anyone except her husband,  her husband's face turns crimson red 😡 with jealous rage.  Hence,  he'll interrupt his wife incessantly,  downgrade the person she's speaking to (my husband,  sons,  me or anyone in our midst is fair game) and publicly and deliberately humiliate us and her.  Sometimes she ignores him and other times,  she attempts damage control to no avail.  She has learned to accept her whack husband as "cancer"  because he is her affluent meal ticket for her and their 3 children.  Money talks.  💰 💸 And, she has to be with a husband like that every night?  So gross!  😣

When I complained to my sister about her husband's abhorrently boorish behavior,  naturally,  she prioritizes her marriage over her sister (me) reminiscent of your friend prioritizing her marriage and defending her husband instead of clearing your name.  Their marriage is more important than you.  You have zero status.  My sister always engages in gaslighting me (deflecting / blaming / changing the subject / twisting it around to make me look crazy, etc) and I'm totally fed up by now.  Gaslighting is psychological warfare at its nastiest and ugliest.  👿

When I confronted her (also) about our late father and what an ogre he was to our poor mother (chain smoking alcoholic,  wife beater,  womanizer,  left my mother with insurmountable debts and abruptly left her as a single parent of 3 children with zero child support), she had the audacity to accuse me being a bald faced liar reminiscent of your friend accusing you of cheating (or doing something) with her husband.  Being called a liar,  cheat,  thief;  it's all the same unforgivable  false accusations.

My sister even went so far as to isolate me by sneaking around socializing with my local mother-in-law (MIL),  sister-in-law (SIL) and mother behind my back at a recent restaurant rendezvous.  She did the same with my cousin,  her children and my uncle as well.  She is so cunning. 

She hasn't done anything to me regarding social media / FB and the like but I wouldn't put it past her do something sneaky per norm for her.  The exception was when I commented on the weather of all topics, she unfriended me and then friended me.  She's so mentally ill. 

I've noticed that some people who are discontented and insecure in their marriage are knifing,  scheming and plotting types.   Generally,  happy and secure people are kind, conscientious and empathetic or so I've noticed throughout my lifetime. 

My sister and I are currently estranged because I've since exhausted all other avenues.  Reasoning with her resulted in vicious gaslighting.  I'm so sick 'n tired of her and she has the nerve to invite me to her annual house parties which I won't even bother responding with RSVP's anymore.  Silence means declining / non-attendance which requires no translation whatsoever.  These newly enforced,  very strict boundaries promotes peace.  Best to cut off her power supply.  Granted,  it's not optimal nor ideal but at least we're not at each other's throats anymore.  As long as everyone stays in their lane,  doesn't bother each other and minds their own business,  it's pure bliss for me.  Get out of my life,  stay out of my life and don't let the door hit you on your way out!  😒

She actually shot herself in the foot when she blatantly called me a liar because now that she needs my help for anything,  I'm nowhere to be seen nor heard.  She can no longer enlist my help regarding  family matters.  Suddenly,  she lost my labor,  time and resources. 

I'm no longer on FB either. 

Unfortunately,  my in-laws and mother are collateral damage but she should've thought of that before she opened her big fat mouth!  Her hands are tied and she put herself in a jam.  As for relatives and in-laws,  my husband and I aren't hospitable anymore.  All of former goodwill came to a screeching halt.  We are with my in-laws and mother for special occasions sprinkled a few short times a year but no more than that which had been drastically reduced from our former frequent gatherings.  We put the axe on all of it much to their chagrin.  🙄 😒

I'm sorry about your struggles moving forward.  I struggle, too.  I hope it will help you to change the way you think.  I always consider it a blessing in disguise to discover how people truly are,  how they think of you,  how they mistreat you and if they've left a trail of electronic evidence,  all the better is what I say.  Why?  Because it's better to know now and make a clean break than extend a fake friendship which will only unnecessarily elongate to even more grief as time marches on.  It's better to know now than later.  Even though it's such a painful,  sobering reality check and a real gut punch to be so insulted,  offended,  disrespected and on the receiving end of such cruelty,  permanent estrangement (and permanent no contact / block / delete) is what will actually heal you so you can recover and move on.   Be prepared because it will take time.  You will have good and not so good days. 

Even though it's a hassle for you to move,  it's good to move because eventually your ex-friend will become out of sight,  out of mind.  She will become a blur and then you won't even think of her nor her husband anymore.  It will be healthy for you to have new surroundings,  a new apartment and start fresh without toxic,  dysfunctional people in your life. 

Good thing you called the police and had her arrested!  👮‍♀️ 🚓 🚔 I'm glad you were safe and uninjured!  Your ex-friend, her husband,  my sister and BIL are psycho. 😡  Real nut jobs. 

What helps to move on is to clutter your mind with healthy distractions and do what you enjoy whether it's exercise,  getting some fresh air,  preparing delicious meals for yourself,  surrounding yourself with moral people,  perhaps immersing yourself in a hobby,  read a good book,  watch a great movie,  clean,  declutter,  de-junk your belongings since you're moving,  donate stuff to charity and cleanse your life.  Aside from employment and spending time with my immediate family (husband / sons),  all of these activities keep me industrious.  When all is said and done,  I'm so fatigued that I enjoy my glorious sleep! 😴

It's best to steer clear of mentally ill people.   They're a scary lot.  The best thing to do is to treat them like strangers.  Stay faraway.  Better now than never.

 

 

 

[Babe210]

@Cherylyn reading through your experiences with your sister reminds me of some of what I went through as well that I chose to ignore. It must be so hard for you to deal with this as its family. Just like you I plan to have healthy distractions. My therapist said something so simple to me that I never really thought of she said “you’re a 25 yr old single woman , with a work from anywhere job , you should be travelling and exploring the world” and even though this is something so simple and often talked about I just didn’t think of it , but now I am distracting myself with the planning of my upcoming travels , I will be going back to visit my home country and will be around good friends and family. Another thing she also mentioned is to focus on the love and support you have around you . This ex friend of mine when I met her I ignored so many red flags. She never had any genuine friendships , she also never had any close female friends , like zero , the ones she had they always had a falling out , I chose not to judge her because of this and befriended her , only to learn now why she doesn’t have any genuine friendships. 
 

I am so thankful to be surrounded by loving people around me , beautiful friendships that have lasted for year and years and they are all fully supporting me on this and it has really helped me overcome blaming myself. 
 

I was so hurt when I initially wrote my post , I am not all fixed yet but I am getting there , baby steps. And I love your thoughts about my move , it has changed my perspective “out of sight , out of mind” I will always think back to that whenever I am sad about the moving process. 
 

Hearing someone else have a somewhat similar experience makes me feel less alone. Thank you for telling me your story , I hope you focus on healthy distractions too and keep toxic people out of your life. 

[Babe210]

17 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

 

This is the stuff of movies and TV sitcoms.  Bea Arthur, of "Golden Girls", said that 4 senior women living together makes for a great TV show, but would never work in real life.  

We all want to be part of that community, that cul-de-sac neighborhood that we see on TV, where BFF's stroll their kids together, discuss marital issues, enjoy lunch, yoga, and family vacations.  In reality, much of what happens is what's happened in your case:  one person's unhappiness in her life turns against you, and you become an unwilling target of personal attacks that are not only unfounded, but in your case, it ended up as physical violence.

I'm sorry you're going through this disappointment.  I had dinner just last night with a friend, where we discussed a friendship I ended over a year ago, and honestly, it still hurts.  Started off as "BFF's", ended with her saying things about me that simply were not true, plus little hurtful jabby comments.  Over a year later, and it still hurts if someone posts a party picture & she's in it.  So I do get where you're coming from, and all I can say is, keep going, find your nice friends, and eventually, this one will be in your rearview mirror.

 

 

Thank you for your advice!
 

You’re right! We had all these plans for our future friends , it was all exciting. Seeing it come to such a terrible end sucks. 
 

But I know I can still have this future with the friends that I still have and that still support me and stay in my life. She is the type of person to badmouth someone after a friendship ends , she will lie and add in details that never happened, these are things I saw throughout our friendship but to me I figured she’s my friend , she loves me she will never do the same. So it happening was shocking but I should have known. I am really working on putting her on my rear view, even though this might sound petty I have erased all pictures  of her on my phone , blocked her on social media and her phone number. I cannot wait until this moment in my life is over and I’m past this. 
 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Babe210 said:

@Cherylyn reading through your experiences with your sister reminds me of some of what I went through as well that I chose to ignore. It must be so hard for you to deal with this as its family. Just like you I plan to have healthy distractions. My therapist said something so simple to me that I never really thought of she said “you’re a 25 yr old single woman , with a work from anywhere job , you should be travelling and exploring the world” and even though this is something so simple and often talked about I just didn’t think of it , but now I am distracting myself with the planning of my upcoming travels , I will be going back to visit my home country and will be around good friends and family. Another thing she also mentioned is to focus on the love and support you have around you . This ex friend of mine when I met her I ignored so many red flags. She never had any genuine friendships , she also never had any close female friends , like zero , the ones she had they always had a falling out , I chose not to judge her because of this and befriended her , only to learn now why she doesn’t have any genuine friendships. 
 

I am so thankful to be surrounded by loving people around me , beautiful friendships that have lasted for year and years and they are all fully supporting me on this and it has really helped me overcome blaming myself. 
 

I was so hurt when I initially wrote my post , I am not all fixed yet but I am getting there , baby steps. And I love your thoughts about my move , it has changed my perspective “out of sight , out of mind” I will always think back to that whenever I am sad about the moving process. 
 

Hearing someone else have a somewhat similar experience makes me feel less alone. Thank you for telling me your story , I hope you focus on healthy distractions too and keep toxic people out of your life. 

@Babe210 Your therapist is right about doing what you enjoy with healthy distractions and being with high quality friends and family.  Nothing is more important than savoring what is good and peaceful.  It goes back to what I was saying about surrounding yourself with very moral people and healthy distractions which bring you happiness and peace of mind whether it's travels,  fitness, eating healthy,  getting good rest,  hobbies,  good times,  intellectual pursuits or anything you prefer.  

Yes,  baby steps.  You'll get there towards healing and recovery.  One step and one day at a time.  Take good care of yourself. 

Yes,  your move represents the "out of sight,  out of mind"  mentality so you can start anew with a fresh start,  a clean slate,  new apartment,  new surroundings and most of all feel safe and protected from harm and danger; not just awkwardness from the hallway and elevator.  Toxic,  dysfunctional and mentally ill people need to be permanently eliminated from your life.  It will save you going this route to be sure. 👍 🙂

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Babe210 said:

“you’re a 25 yr old single woman , with a work from anywhere job , you should be travelling and exploring the world” and even though this is something so simple and often talked about I just didn’t think of it , but now I am distracting myself with the planning of my upcoming travels , I will be going back to visit my home country and will be around good friends and family.

I highly recommend you look at Alain De Botton's book "The Art of Travel" - I have traveled a lot too and it's just so -perfect and great reading.  

I don't see it as an age related thing - my friend's 26 year old daughter is a happily married mother of 3 -and I have middle aged friends, 40s-60s who have families and travel the world, single friends in that age range who do the same.

It's not about "shoulds" -certainly in typical life if you assume you might have kids and be married in the next 5-10 years "strike when the iron is hot" and if travel helps by all means - go for it and yes go see family and friends -but it's also ok to buck the "shoulds" based on single status/age and if something else resonates -like staying in one place but volunteering with a cause or a community theater, or staying and getting involved in a sport or dance or a fine art or whatever - be open to doing that too and not basing on "shoulds" -we don't all do what's typical for age and stage and take the long way around if that is what works for you!

Travel opens my mind again and again and rocks my world especially since I love the comforts of home.  So yes go forth -just saying that it's ok if the Shoulds don't end up resonating with you.  Good luck!

[Lambert]

Just wanted to say, hang in there.  Physical violence is never OK and it's always a deal breaker.  So no matter what was said or done in the past or now, good or bad you can't allow that person in your life. 

I think we all lose friends that we thought we'd always have in our lives.  It really does hurt. Try to just be kind to yourself.  You do deserve better and as you move on in your life, you will get it. We clear out what isn't working to make room for what does! 

She probably doesn't want to accept that a guy, she knew for less than a year, and is also her husband is a dud. That's pretty embarrassing. Not saying her reaction was right AT ALL. 

What I am saying is- she obviously has some personal growth to go through and probably was not the great friend you think she was. 

I have ended friendships and I have never thrown the personal things (they confided in me) in their face. That is pretty low and done just to be hurtful. So you see what you're dealing with here...

Appreciate the good times. Forgive yourself and go live a happy life! 😊 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

She probably doesn't want to accept that a guy, she knew for less than a year, and is also her husband is a dud. That's pretty embarrassing. Not saying her reaction was right AT ALL. 

 

@Lambert.  You accurately described my sister who is somewhat similar to OP, @Babe210's ex-friend.  Granted,  my sister never became physically violent towards me but her words were beyond violent to me. 

My sister was married for less than a year to her first husband (no children) because she thought he lied to her when my brother inadvertently disclosed confidential information about her late father to him.  (Same as recently calling me a liar due to what I revealed to her about our late father whom we share.) 

Then what did she do?  She married a dud.  She had 3 children with him.  Since she doesn't want a second strike divorce two times in a row,  in order to save face,  she tolerates and endures being married to a jerk (or an __________) so she can savor her affluent lifestyle.  He's a great provider albeit a lousy husband and an indecent human being.  As @Lambert said,  yes,  my sister's poor choice in a husband is very embarrassing.  She tries so hard to conceal her husband's humiliating behavior by deliberately leaving him at home while she socializes without him.  It's that bad.  It's so gross that she has to go home to him eventually.  All is well in my sister's social circle as long as no one associates with her husband according to her control in that arena which is pathetic.  Only her intimate circle such as me knows the real dirt. 

She once let it slip by saying she has difficulty triumphing over her own battles.  She parades around being so happy and popular on FB-land yet she's married to an ________ which there is no denying as she desperately hides him.  Her narcissism screams insecurity at all levels. 

@Babe210  The best thing to do is go your own way in life.  The only and best control you have is to control your life as you see fit and be in charge of your own destiny.  It's within your power so take advantage of it and utilize it to the hilt.  Control whom you choose to be with,  control whom you choose not to be with and control your trajectory.  It's very empowering.  Live your best life without idiots in it !

 

[1a1a]

I’m can’t believe she thought it was even remotely an acceptable thing to come and assault you. 
 

Not getting your side of the story is a bad act but one can come back from that. Attacking you is infinity unacceptable though. Just like our romantic partners unfold the longer we know them, so do friends. And this one is not who you thought she was. It’s a blessing to have this person out of your life even if the mourning period is painful. 

[Jibralta]

On 6/1/2023 at 3:04 AM, Babe210 said:

How does one even move on from a situation like this ? 

I think that moving away (unfair though it is) is a great start. Anything you can do to put distance between yourself, her, and all the other people who took her side, will help. Forget them. Focus on the future, and on the creation of better relationships with better people.

[Lambert]

15 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Control whom you choose to be with,  control whom you choose not to be with and control your trajectory.  It's very empowering.  Live your best life without idiots in it !

Amen @Cherylyn

I am much older than @Babe210 and I learned this lesson later than I would have liked. 

But hey! As the song goes "life's a dance we learn as we go"!

I wasted time with crap friends, crap boyfriends and jobs I hated... and like we've discussed b4, my own sibling is not the one I hoped for.  but siblings are a blessing.  lol

I read a Zen proverb and I put it on a post it so I read it often: 

"what is is always a blessing"

choose to see life that way and it will help. At least it helps me.  Accept people where they are or get away from them. that's the secret.

[Cherylyn]

On 6/3/2023 at 6:57 AM, Lambert said:

Choose to see life that way and it will help. At least it helps me.  Accept people where they are or get away from them. That's the secret.

@Lambert is spot on.  There is no gray.  People either qualify to grace your life or it's best to eliminate them from your life.  This is your freedom to choose and do as you will.  Get your control back.  People only control you and make you miserable if you allow it.  The choice is always yours.  Run with it.