Is she clingy, or am I crazy? I requested to take a break

[boltnrun]

I recommend looking into codependency. "Codependent No More" is an excellent book on this topic. It discusses how some people want to be loved so badly or fear being unloved they'll put up with all sorts of mistreatment and make all sorts of excuses for the person who mistreats them. 

8 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

About that last anecdote, she apologized the next day, said she had had a major mood downer and had left her house to take a drive and try to calm herself.  

And was that the last time she did something like that? 

[rainbowsandroses]

These types of relationships are addicting and I mean that literally.  It IS an addiction, no different from a drug addiction.  Your gf is your drug of choice. 

The highs, the lows, particularly the adrenaline pumping though your veins (and consciousness) when experiencing the highs.  Just like a drug. 

It's like playing a slot machine at Vegas, you never know when you're gonna get the good stuff!  It can keep you hooked in and stuck in a very dysfunctional and toxic vortex. 

My advice is professional help to help you kick this.  It will destroy you and leave you very scarred if you don't, speaking from experience.  

Good luck.  

[smackie9]

As I read through, I'm getting a whiff of narcissism from her behavior ie: the passive/aggressiveness, diverting, the blaming, the needing of importance of herself/and condition, etc. There is no talking sense to this type of person at all. Medication doesn't have much effect. She's just going to try to pull you back in, not for her to feel better, but to banish you from feeling happy with yourself. To her this isn't fair. She's gonna keep twisting things around, making you feel guilty for being happy. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

@sunday_luthier, again I think it's best to take the focus off her and her behavior (the reasons for it) and focus on yourself and why you're so drawn to it, and her.

Move on for you so you can heal and grow.  Eventually finding something more stable and healthy.

Let her figure herself out, and take her own steps to heal. Whether she narcissistic or BPD or Bipolar or depressed, it doesn't matter. 

If you remain together and continue to tolerate it, she won't ever come to understand her own toxic impulses and will continue to bring you (and most likely others) down.

I hope you will find the strength to do that, it's not easy to break an addiction! 

Please keep us posted. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

This.

The reason people treat us bad, whether its stuff like cheating or even abuse, is because we are the only one who would tolerate that kind of behavior. Anybody else would just turn on the other side and left. For example, in your case, nobody else would tolerate setting up a date and then if that somebody would throw a temper tantrum about your obligations, and at the end dont even show up for the date but go somewhere else. That would be inexcusable for the most people. But you passed over it. Most people who treat their partner bad stay with the partner precisely because of that. Nobody else would tolerate them. That is why she apologizes and continues to do the same. Because even she knows that nobody would tolerate her behavior othervise and doesnt try to fix or changes her behavior. Its way easier for her to abuse you in that way then to actually work on herself.

Yep, she’s found someone who will put up with her theatrics and even blame himself and feel guilty whenever he doesn’t want to put up with her… So she tests how far she can abuse before resorting to the right apology formula to manipulate him to stick around…

OP, this is textbook stuff, and the only one keeping you caged by it is YOU and your lousy choices.

Sorry, just giving it to you straight. Liberation is yours for the taking.

[boltnrun]

37 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Liberation is yours for the taking.

Well, I know it wasn't you who held me down

Heaven knows it wasn't you who set me free

So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains

And we never even know we have the key

-"Already Gone",  The Eagles

[sunday_luthier]

I'm beginning to see things more clearly.  Everyone I talk to about my situation is on the same page.  One of my best friends (who is a woman) told me her behaviour is so obvious that, from an outside perspective, it's laughable.

This friend also told me that, knowing my personality, I would cave in as soon as the tears would start flowing when I tell her I want to end the whole thing.  I'm not sure I'll find the strength.  But yes, that's on me.

Thank you all for your responses.

[sunday_luthier]

My GF never hid the fact that she has a history of ex-friends who have bluntly told her they were going no contact on her.

Of course, she made it seem like they were the unreasonable ones.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

...knowing my personality, I would cave in as soon as the tears would start flowing when I tell her I want to end the whole thing.  I'm not sure I'll find the strength. 

 

8 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

My GF never hid the fact that she has a history of ex-friends who have bluntly told her they were going no contact on her.

Of course, she made it seem like they were the unreasonable ones.

This is why a breakup is not a negotiation where both people need to agree. You don't have to build a case. There is no judge and jury to decide that your reasons aren't valid enough to want out. You don't 'owe' anybody a good enough reason to live your own life YOUR way.

There are no 'good' breakups. Everyone feels lousy about them, but they are necessary ruptures when we don't want to live our future lives as they've become in the present.

It takes courage to accept the role of the 'bad guy' for long enough to get out of a toxic relationship. Afterward, it's kind of like leaving the hospital after a horrible procedure. Sure, you might miss the leg, but it had gangrene and had to go!

 

[sunday_luthier]

On 6/2/2023 at 4:30 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

These types of relationships are addicting and I mean that literally.  It IS an addiction, no different from a drug addiction.  Your gf is your drug of choice. 

The highs, the lows, particularly the adrenaline pumping though your veins (and consciousness) when experiencing the highs.  Just like a drug. 

It's like playing a slot machine at Vegas, you never know when you're gonna get the good stuff!  It can keep you hooked in and stuck in a very dysfunctional and toxic vortex. 

My advice is professional help to help you kick this.  It will destroy you and leave you very scarred if you don't, speaking from experience.  

Good luck.  

I have an appointment with a therapist on thursday.  I obviously can't see the situation as clearly as everyone around me does.

I hope this will help me.

We got into a big discussion this weekend.  I thought it went great, very mature and respectful.... Except I ended up apologizing and taking her out to dinner. 

And she told me she was naive before to think that I was too nice to ever cause her pain.  But that, in time, she would find something positive from this experience.  

Of course, she's been distant since.

I feel pretty ashamed writing this on this forum.  I'm sure I've been played once again

 

[smackie9]

Her words sound passive/aggressive to me. Some underhanded comments there. I don't think that went well, she's just manipulating you into feeling bad again. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

We got into a big discussion this weekend.  I thought it went great, very mature and respectful.... Except I ended up apologizing and taking her out to dinner. 

It doesn't seem like you were "played", it seems like you are in the process of breaking up and figuring things out. 

It's great you are going to therapy. That will help to unpack and sort some of this out and gain some objective input. That way you may be better prepared to sever ties if you need to.

[Andrina]

On 6/3/2023 at 3:07 AM, sunday_luthier said:

My GF never hid the fact that she has a history of ex-friends who have bluntly told her they were going no contact on her.

Of course, she made it seem like they were the unreasonable ones.

So she continued this same pattern with you at dinner that she takes no ownership as being part of the problem, and therefore her behavior will remain toxic. She doesn't plan on changing for the better.

When you get time and distance away from her, it will be as though you came down from cloud nine. I know it happened to me when I was in a one year toxic relationship. I was devastated and wanted him back after he broke up with me, but four months later when he contacted me out of the blue, I had already awoken to the fact I would never get back together with him, and couldn't believe how long I'd stayed, and that I hadn't been the one to do the breaking up.

Therapy is a good idea, to bring you to a better headspace so you can choose a better partner in the future. Take care.

[greendots]

Living with depression is not an easy road. Still, whilst having (been diagnosed with) depression may make you more irritable or clingy/needy than usual that doesn't mean you treat others badly–word which could be replaced by a much harsher one to be honest.

Does she take medications of any sort? If she has long-term depression and isn't doing much about it–no one can force her to see specialist or get treatment. Only encourage her.

Honestly, do you feel that she's a person of an admirable character? Do her values and yours mesh? Is she a team player? You'd benefit from reflecting on your answers to those questions. Then, acting accordingly.

Great you're going to therapy!

All the best. 🙂

[sunday_luthier]

10 months since....

My therapist warned me "this relationship might not be right for you" but I kept going.

More ups and downs.  I was addicted to the ups.  They were emotional and sexual bliss.  The downs were devastating and confusing.  Arguments, silent treatment, snappy attitude.  And then me making grand gestures (restaurants, trips,...) to keep the peace and make her happy.

Last time was a month ago.  She had a bad day and was taking it out on me.  I told her, without raising my voice "I get it, you had a bad day, but don't snap at me".  Silent treatment.  How DARE I stand up for myself. 

We were supposed to go back to my place for dinner and to spend the night.

I told her "I'm driving you home, I want peace.  We can talk about it tomorrow"

More silent treatment.

A week goes by.  No apology.

Then she wants to talk.  I say ok, come over.  I try to kiss her, she turns away and says "I don't think I can trust you anymore" and continues acting distant.  A few days go by, including the day before my birthday.  I see her that day.  She doesn't bring up the fact that it's my birthday tomorrow.  I bring it up and ask her if by any chance she had planned anything.  She says no, she didn't feel like it because of our "argument".  She tells me "just decide what you want to do and keep me posted, it's your birthday after all...". I'm dumbfounded 

I decide on my birthday that I'd rather spend the evening with people who actually respect and like me.  So I go out to dinner with my parents.

Two days later (last Saturday) I told her I'm done.

She cries, begs, screams that I am selfish, that I never loved her, that I took advantage of her, that I never made room for her in my life, that I'm probably gay, that I will never again find another woman like her, and that she has no reason to stay in this world.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Good riddance.  Stay strong. 

[boltnrun]

She'll be back. Can you resist her?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sunday_luthier said:

...My therapist warned me "this relationship might not be right for you" but I kept going.More ups and downs.  I was addicted to the ups.  They were emotional and sexual bliss.  

Hopefully your therapist can help you wean off the rollercoaster thrills and find better and healthier replacements for that. 

[sunday_luthier]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She'll be back. Can you resist her?

Wow, I had not thought of that... I admit I dread the small practical matters we still have to address (there's some stuff of mine still at her house, we had a vacation planned together this summer for which we had paid a deposit...). 

I should get these matters done with quickly, I guess... 

[rainbowsandroses]

35 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

Wow, I had not thought of that... I admit I dread the small practical matters we still have to address (there's some stuff of mine still at her house, we had a vacation planned together this summer for which we had paid a deposit...). 

I should get these matters done with quickly, I guess... 

What's more important, your mental and emotional health and well being OR the deposit?

If me, the hell with the deposit.   BLOCK.   Change your number if you have to!  I've done and it was the most freeing thing I have ever done.

7 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

She cries, begs, screams that I am selfish, that I never loved her, that I took advantage of her, that I never made room for her in my life, that I'm probably gay, that I will never again find another woman like her, and that she has no reason to stay in this world.

Yeah, screw the deposit there is NOTHING good here^^.  None, nada, zilch.

But then again if you enjoy the drama and toxicity I won't talk you out of it.  I do know some people who thrive on this type of chaos.  Oh they scream they don't BUT they're still there and if they leave, they return quickly....  as I suspect you may as well.

I dunno, up to you...  it's your life.  G'luck.

[catfeeder]

55 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

Wow, I had not thought of that... I admit I dread the small practical matters we still have to address (there's some stuff of mine still at her house, we had a vacation planned together this summer for which we had paid a deposit...). 

I should get these matters done with quickly, I guess... 

The stuff is replaceable, just send her half the deposit then block her. 

It's taken you a year to liberate yourself--don't sabotage that for anything.

[boltnrun]

11 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

Wow, I had not thought of that... I admit I dread the small practical matters we still have to address (there's some stuff of mine still at her house, we had a vacation planned together this summer for which we had paid a deposit...). 

I should get these matters done with quickly, I guess... 

What "stuff"? Are they things you just cannot function without (work laptop, bank book) or things you can do without or can easily replace (shirt, hairbrush)? If it's something innocuous but you insist you must have it back, you are searching for an excuse to see her again.

As for the vacation deposit, is it absolutely non-refundable? If you'll only lose $50 or something it's worth just cancelling. Unless, again, you're already missing the fantastic sex in between being screamed at and called names. 

"I guess"? You seem reluctant. Are you?

[sunday_luthier]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What "stuff"? Are they things you just cannot function without (work laptop, bank book) or things you can do without or can easily replace (shirt, hairbrush)? If it's something innocuous but you insist you must have it back, you are searching for an excuse to see her again.

As for the vacation deposit, is it absolutely non-refundable? If you'll only lose $50 or something it's worth just cancelling. Unless, again, you're already missing the fantastic sex in between being screamed at and called names. 

"I guess"? You seem reluctant. Are you?

It's a 2000€ deposit so yes, I want it back.  As for the stuff left at her house, I grabbed my guitar and slippers when I broke up with her on Saturday, but there's still a set of my house keys and my car keys.  I am definitely NOT trying to see her again.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

It's a 2000€ deposit so yes, I want it back.  As for the stuff left at her house, I grabbed my guitar and slippers when I broke up with her on Saturday, but there's still a set of my house keys and my car keys.  I am definitely NOT trying to see her again.

It would be worth it to change your locks and call it a day. Consider it the cost of tuition for the most important lesson you’ve ever learned.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

Wow, I had not thought of that... I admit I dread the small practical matters we still have to address (there's some stuff of mine still at her house, we had a vacation planned together this summer for which we had paid a deposit...). 

I should get these matters done with quickly, I guess... 

Unfortunately it seems like an abrupt breakup. Definitely sort out the details of collecting your things at a mutually convenient agreed upon time. It's your responsibility to collect them from her place. Please do so neutrally, maybe bring a friend. Get the details of your deposit and in writing to get your refund. Do everything in writing and as politely as possible to just get it over with effectively.