Overthinking about people's attitude towards me

[sawinjo]

It seems to me that I tend to 'analyze' others and their attitude towards me too much. Recently I stopped talking to my friends because there were some problems in my personal life, but then when I returned, I don’t feel that I was missed, it still seems to me that I came back for nothing, like my expectations was very overpriced. It sounds like I don't respect their feelings, because they were really happy to see me back. But it's like I'm still waiting for something. Something more and it's terribly wrong. I feel selfish. How can I learn to take it easy? What could be the reason for this way of thinking?

[Cherylyn]

Because you expect too much of others.  Lower your expectations and you'll be happier.  Lighten up. 

People are very busy and consumed with themselves and their lives.  Not everyone has your best interests at heart.  If you take a pause in the friendship and then return,  some friends will simply pick up right where they left off with you and hopefully,  you can do the same with them.  I'm sorry to say that some people don't care about your troubles.  Some friends are "Good Time Charlies" and want to keep the friendship rather superficial and / or shallow.  They don't want to get into feelings, deepness or whatever ailed you. 

You're not selfish.  You were hoping for more out of people or friends who aren't the type you were expecting.  Lower your standards with some people and you won't feel hurt nor disappointed anymore.  This is called remaining realistic about a lot of people in your life.  They don't and won't think as deeply as you which is a harsh reality fact. 

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, sawinjo said:

It seems to me that I tend to 'analyze' others and their attitude towards me too much. Recently I stopped talking to my friends because there were some problems in my personal life, but then when I returned, I don’t feel that I was missed, it still seems to me that I came back for nothing, like my expectations was very overpriced. It sounds like I don't respect their feelings, because they were really happy to see me back. But it's like I'm still waiting for something. Something more and it's terribly wrong. I feel selfish. How can I learn to take it easy? What could be the reason for this way of thinking?

Before you stopped talking to them what did you tell them or did you mostly just disappear ? Yes I’d lower my expectations.  

[smackie9]

Take a look back at your childhood. Is there something there that happened that you felt under appreciated or of low self worth? 

[sawinjo]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Before you stopped talking to them what did you tell them or did you mostly just disappear ? Yes I’d lower my expectations.  

I just silently left, somewhere inside hoping that they would show even more interest and attention to me. There really were problems in my life and I did not leave without a reason. But when I left, I was unpleasant from myself bcs I really want them to start questioning me and feel sorry for me. Somehow it's weird. 

[sawinjo]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Take a look back at your childhood. Is there something there that happened that you felt under appreciated or of low self worth? 

Well, I grew up in a fairly strict family that didn't spoil me or even show that they were proud of me. Therefore, yes, it seems to me that what I did not receive in childhood from my parents, now I expect from the people around me.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sawinjo said:

I really want them to start questioning me and feel sorry for me.

What type of problems made you withdraw from your friends? Have those problems resolved? Do your friends know what happened? Why do you want them to feel sorry for you? Unless you share what happened why would they question you?

[poorlittlefish]

You feel disappointed because you chose to stop talking to them and didn't get the reaction from them that you hoped for. 

If you were feeling down, your friends could have helped if you'd talked to them. I'm sorry you've discovered your friends aren't what you thought they were. Communication goes two ways in friendships, so you may need to reassess both theirs and yours. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, sawinjo said:

But when I left, I was unpleasant from myself bcs I really want them to start questioning me and feel sorry for me.

Why? Is it better for them to say "Hey, here is our friend Sawi, lets go get drinks" or "Ow, poor Sawi, he is so tragic character I feel sorry for him".

I know some people like to be feeling sorry for. Because they like to get sympathy as well as get easy excuses for their behavior. But that is on you, not on your friends. Your friends treat you as their equal. Not as some beggar in constant need of handouts. And you should be grateful for that. 

[sawinjo]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Какие проблемы заставили вас отказаться от друзей? Решились ли эти проблемы? Твои друзья знают, что произошло? Почему вы хотите, чтобы они пожалели вас? Если вы не расскажете о том, что произошло, зачем им спрашивать вас?

These were problems related to my relationship with my parents and my grades in school. Maybe for someone it will not seem so tragic that you refuse to communicate with your friends for a while, but for me it made sense. And I don't know why I want them to feel sorry for me, it's such a direct question that I just don't know...

[sawinjo]

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Вы чувствуете разочарование, потому что решили прекратить с ними общение и не получили от них той реакции, на которую надеялись. 

Если бы вы чувствовали себя подавленным, ваши друзья могли бы помочь, если бы вы поговорили с ними. Мне жаль, что ты обнаружил, что твои друзья не такие, как ты думал. Общение в дружбе идет двумя путями, поэтому вам, возможно, придется переоценить как их, так и свои. 

Thank you. I think I'm starting to understand the whole situation. 

[sawinjo]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Почему? Что им лучше сказать: «Эй, это наш друг Сави, пошли выпьем» или «Ой, бедный Сави, он такой трагический персонаж, что мне его жалко».

Я знаю, что некоторым людям нравится, когда их жалеют. Потому что им нравится вызывать сочувствие, а также находить легкие оправдания своему поведению. Но это на тебе, а не на твоих друзьях. Ваши друзья относятся к вам как к равному. Не как какой-нибудь нищий, постоянно нуждающийся в подаяниях. И вы должны быть благодарны за это. 

Well, I don't think it matters how exactly they will show me attention or pity. So both options suit me. I'm just worried about the fact that deep down I hope for such attention. And thank you very much for the explanation, I will definitely take something useful out of this.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, sawinjo said:

I just silently left, somewhere inside hoping that they would show even more interest and attention to me. There really were problems in my life and I did not leave without a reason. But when I left, I was unpleasant from myself bcs I really want them to start questioning me and feel sorry for me. Somehow it's weird. 

That doesn't sound like a thoughtful or respectful way to treat your friends and it sounds rather manipulative and self-absorbed.  I had friends go MIA on me for that sort of reason and I reached out once maybe and didn't appreciate the behavior when with today's technology a simple "I'm going to take some time for myself -please don't be concerned if I do not respond" -would do just fine.  I'm sorry you were struggling and it doesn't justify treating friends in that way.  And on top of that expecting them to chase  you down.

[sawinjo]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Это не похоже на вдумчивый или уважительный способ обращения с друзьями, это звучит скорее манипулятивно и эгоцентрично. У меня были друзья, которые пропали без вести по такой причине, и однажды я, возможно, протянул руку и не оценил поведение, когда с сегодняшними технологиями простое «Я собираюсь потратить некоторое время на себя - пожалуйста, не беспокойтесь, если Я не отвечаю" - подойдет. Мне жаль, что у тебя были трудности, и это не оправдывает такого обращения с друзьями. И вдобавок ко всему ожидая, что они будут преследовать вас.

Thank you. I will work on myself. 

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, sawinjo said:

I just silently left, somewhere inside hoping that they would show even more interest and attention to me. There really were problems in my life and I did not leave without a reason. But when I left, I was unpleasant from myself bcs I really want them to start questioning me and feel sorry for me. Somehow it's weird. 

It's weird because it's manipulative. Try communicating with people directly. 

[catfeeder]

I tend to come up with explanations that will hurt me the least and serve me the best. So in this case I would say, "My attempt to manipulate these friends with silence backfired because they upheld respect for my privacy instead of prying into my behavior and questioning me about it."

Respect for your privacy can actually be a good quality--or, it can mean that these friends were smart enough to recognize your manipulation for what it was, and they opted not to play.

There's nothing 'wrong' with wanting care and attention from people, however, when a friendship is not yet intimate enough for a person to intuitively read your mind and KNOW what you want from them, the only way to move beyond that superficial barrier is to build intimacy.

This takes time and communication. It doesn't mean we inappropriately dump our most private stuff on anyone. It can start with revealing one or two milder aspects of our vulnerabilities that we wouldn't confide in a mere superficial friend. This tests the waters of intimacy. The friend may not automatically spill the same degree of vulnerability on the spot. But over time, we learn who is open to sharing more intimate confidences with us and who is not.

When people are not open, it doesn't make them lousy people, it just means that the mix isn't a match for intimacy. They are only comfortable sharing good times, and so they'll remain nice acquaintances. More intimate friendships are rare. Keep making new friends, and over time you'll learn to cultivate one or two of those.

Meanwhile, consider making an appointment with a counselor on your campus to confide your difficulties and learn how to best navigate those.

Head high, you did nothing 'wrong,' you just didn't get the desired outcome.

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, sawinjo said:

I just silently left, somewhere inside hoping that they would show even more interest and attention to me. There really were problems in my life and I did not leave without a reason. But when I left, I was unpleasant from myself because I really want them to start questioning me and feel sorry for me. Somehow it's weird. 

I will go against the grain here.  I feel for you and can relate @sawinjo.  I too prefer compassion you're yearning for. 

First of all,  what I do is divide my friends into categories.  I have some friends who are nice friends but they only want friendship based upon their comfort zone meaning they prefer to keep the friendship light and polite;  not heavy duty with absorbing your problems deeply or being dumped upon with a lot of your angst and troubles because they're very busy people.  They're more of the "Hello,  how are you doing?"  type of friends who prefer superficial,  sometimes shallow,  "Good Time Charlies" type friendships.  They want to be more positive,  cheery and engage in  brief interactions with you.  They're not interested in a deeper,  more intimate friendship.  They don't want it.  Don't take it personally.  Most of all,  they're pressed for TIME.  They don't want you to be time-consuming in their lives.  Their time is very limited.  Perhaps they're swamped with employment.  This is whether in person,  texting,  phone chats,  voicemail,  email or whatever.  They don't want to invest heavily into the friendship.  In some cases,  they don't want to get together too often for coffee or dine out lunches because perhaps they're on a budget.  There are all sorts of reasons. 

However,  a walk or being at a park is doable and doesn't cost anything.  Sometimes transportation is an issue if they don't have a car nor drive.  Do they need to take public transportation to be with you?  Bus?  Train?  Subway?  Uber / Lyft? 

A lot of people don't want energy vampires in their lives because it's taxing,  draining and like a ball 'n chain.  They prefer their free bird status instead.  They don't want to be weighed down by you.

Some friends who are actually borderline acquaintances,  are indifferent and apathetic.  They don't want to know your angst and troubles because they can't handle it.  They have too many troubles of their own and the last thing they need is for your problems to become their problems or project.  I have a sister who falls into this category.  To her,  ignorance is bliss and she can't take on anymore as her plate is already full of of  _______   courtesy of the jerk whom she married and as a harried mother of 3 children. ☹️

Then there are rare friends who are willing to drop their lives for you.  Perhaps they're not parents and have more time,  energy,  brain space and empathy for you.  Perhaps they're unemployed or retired.  Perhaps they have less responsibilities and commitments in their lives.  Not an excuse but some married folks actually prefer to immerse themselves with their own lives and only willing to give what they want to give of themselves to you which is their right.  To each his or her own.  It's a free country.

Back to unusual friends who have tons of time,  energy and empathy for you . . .  These are the type of friends who will meet you for a walk,  coffee,  shopping,  lunch,  dinner, etc.  At this time,  they'll absorb your troubles,  be a great listener,  give you hours of their precious time and energy,  scoot their lives over for you in order to be the type of devoted,  exclusive friend you desire so badly. 

I have other friends and we do couples activities husbands included such as outings for the day,  car shows,  aerial shows,  museums,  dining,  4th of July potlucks,  church,  theater,  ballet,  symphonies,  family events,  celebrations,  festivities,  parties,  etc.  Or, game night and dinners at each others houses.  On rare occasions sometimes children were included.  Fortunately, we have local relatives and in-laws to babysit the children or if they were old enough,  could be left home to fend for themselves.   

I'm fortunate to have a local childhood best forever friend who was my maid-of-honor and my best,  dearest friend to this day.  We've been best friends ever since we were 9 years old.  We've brought home cooked meals to each others doorsteps during times of tumult such as birth,  death,  surgeries,  emergencies and whatnot.  We've met each other at a moment's notice.  We've chatted on the phone during crisis modes near midnight. 🌛 ⭐ We celebrate birthdays and Christmas.  Both of us give generous gifts to each other. 

Don't give up searching for the type of friends I have.  It took years to nurture,  cultivate and maintain my friendships.  Along the way,  I had to eliminate some bad apples and that's ok.  Not everyone was meant to remain in your life. 

If you can't find the type of friends I have and if you wish to retain your existing friendships,  follow their cues and do what is comfortable for them in order to keep the lighter friendship afloat.  Sometimes you have to go with the flow,  lower your standards in them and lower your expectations.  As long as they're moral people,  it's as good as it gets so you have to take what you can get.  Sometimes,  it has to be "good enough" because it won't get better.  It's like a delicate dance.  If they're good enough for you, then retain them,  if you want a better friend or friends,  then they're rejects and should be eliminated from your life.

Hopefully,  if you have family,  you can confide in them.  I hope you will get what you're looking for.  🙏 🧡

It can be a lonely world for many.  I understand that we need tribal friendships because it's healthier.  Either learn to adapt,  accept or reject people based upon their quality or lack thereof and / or keep on trying.  High quality people are searching and hoping for you to be in their lives, too.