Struggling hard and need someone to talk to

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

I just want to explain to her all of this so she understands. And while I’m stupid I’m not that stupid. You can’t explain feelings and expect to change beliefs. if you think the world is flat - there is no evidence I can give you that will make you change your mind. And Over explaining within itself  is a trauma response  and a form of control. 

So, basically there is no getting this woman back. And if there was it would have to be when we’re both not wounded which means we both have to heal and move on. 

I'm sorry you feel sad and are hurting. I'd avoid indulging in psychospeak.  She's not wounded. She's simply not available for a relationship with you and never was. She doesn't need to "heal" she simply needs to be on her own romantically speaking and live her life -have friends, acquaintances, activities, work colleagues, and she'll date again when appropriate.  It's not about you two being able to be together when the antibacterial ointment works and the cut heals. 

Feelings aren't facts and loving feelings for someone isn't enough to have a healthy romantic relationship.  And it seems that many of those feelings were fueled by the drama,excitement,challenge of you winning over a younger woman who looked up to you you thought, and on her end it was a good distraction from her ending her marriage and her decision to cheat.

Like I wrote above people get back together - I married my ex fiancee. Not because wounds healed.  Because when we got back together we each had changed and in our past relationship we didn't have betrayal in any way.  Or anything like that that time passing doesn't affect. Time passing in adults can affect outlooks, goals, perspectives, self esteem. 

So in 5 years this woman might be ready to commit to someone and be loyal.  Not because she falls in love - not just because -because her goals change and she's matured since she is relatively young.  But it won't be with you.  Because with rare exception she'll want a fresh start with someone who doesn't intimately know her past and she won't feel like she's with someone waiting to see if she cheats on him -not as much anyway.  

I'd keep this simple and basic -you chased a married woman who was much younger.  You got attached emotionally.  You reacted to your emotions by pursuing her rather than keeping your distance.  You chose the risks of this choice and the obvious risks came to pass.  Now she doesn't want to interact with you anymore and she is angry with you. Normal consequence when you play with fire. 

Maybe when you feel better enjoy the memories of the fun you had and the excitement, realize it had to have a limited shelf life and since you did make this choice make lemonade out of lemons because it will help you choose better next time.  I hope you feel better. 

[BreakingSad]

Not to keep beating a dead horse but I have a mild case of BPD that I am working through. I think that’s also where all the guilt comes from. I go to therapy for it, take meds, and read up on coping with it. But I didn’t at the time nor in last relationships (I wasn’t aware of it). I just thought I was defective. I have intense guilt that I didn’t recognize this sooner and part of this is why she hates me - the her thinking I changed / lied / the fighting etc. I can’t shake that if no matter what I do in life, I’ll always have a difficult time maintaining a healthy relationship and push special people away (like her).

But what gives me a little comfort based on everyone’s comments that BPD may have been a symptom but the root case was the divorce/not taking time to heal/ wanting different things. A healthy partner would have been more open to the BPD conversations and see if it’s something we could’ve tackled together.

So, if I can convince myself whether we were compatible or not - the marriage thing was a situation (where we ww we’re both to blame) and the outcome would’ve been the same no matter what. I can forgive myself if I know I was 50 not 100% of the problem and remove her from the pedestal you all keep referring to. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BreakingSad]

Also if someone is struggling with BOD and it contributed to breakups or struggles. I’d love some perspective or tips/tricks. I feel so defective and it will plague all my future relationships. Prolly wrong forum but wanted to give it a Shot here. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

 I have a mild case of BPD that I am working through.  I go to therapy for it, take meds, and read up on coping with it. 

Keep doing what you're doing. Follow up closely with your physician and therapist.  Discuss all your symptoms, feelings and thoughts frankly.

BPD generally needs a lot of professional outside observation, because noncompliance (drinking, slacking off on meds when feeling better,etc) is a major downfall in the treatment as well as the tendency to not be aware of subtler changes.

Make an appointment to reevaluate where you are now so treatment can be fine tuned. 

Of course a stable lifestyle helps. Such as regular sleep, physical activity and avoiding alcohol. Carefully read the instructions for the medication and follow it to a tee. 

Hanging out in clubs, karaoke bars, etc. is not a good idea, for example. Nor are  volatile whirlwind relationships.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Especially things that involve fitness and clean living. Yoga, golf, dancing, cooking, etc. 

While this particular situation was never viable because of her situation and age, you could feel a lot better with therapy, regular follow up and a heathier lifestyle. 

Make a commitment to yourself to optimize your physical and mental wellbeing. 

[BreakingSad]

Thanks all of you. While I still stayed in bed all day, I cried a little bit less re-reading all these comments. I feel a little better that this wasn’t all my fault.

Me: I got involved in an affair which is quite frankly shameful and my parents raised me better than that. It violated my ethics and I need to figure out why I didn’t walk away the numerous opportunities I should have. I also shouldn’t have pushed / sought constant validation when she laid out the ground rules that she wasn’t ready. I also probably should have been more aware of my BPD and been focused on controlling it more so it didn’t cause her more unnecessary harm.

Her: She shouldn’t have ever initiated contact with me when she was married. No matter how bad the marriage was. She shouldn’t have flirted with me. And she shouldn’t have made advances even when she was separated. She shouldn’t have established boundaries that she herself didn’t follow through on. 

There is probably more but were equally responsible in this crappy situation and now matter how perfect how behaviors were to one another - it would have always ended with her needing time to process her divorce / cope / find herself again. And with the strong feelings we had for one another, I had no place in that process. I was dragged along and I allowed it because of how much I loved this woman.

I’m still sad how she views me now but thanks to your comments I do understand that is part of her grieving process and in time I hope (for her own sanity) she’ll see the situation for what it was and learn from it as I’m trying to do now vs. deflection. 

We do have mutual friends so I know there will be a day our paths will cross again. And I hope at that time we both we’ll be in much better places to at least be cordial with one another. And this is not the healthiest thing to say BUT I hope I hope she realizes what a good catch I am. Because while I do my flaws this situation has taught me to address them head on. 

Because of this situation - I am 30 days sober from alcohol, I got a personal trainer (Im in good shape but want to be better), I moved to a livelier part of the city where it will be easier to make friends, I am journaling everyday, I read self-help books, and I have a therapist now. I won’t lie - most of this was done from the fallout of the breakup and trying to win her back. But EFF it - I’m sticking to it and now doing it for myself. I want to be the best version of me so regardless of who I end up with - I will get healthier everyday and have the confidence and boundaries to find the right person for me. 

Thanks, thanks, thanks again for all of you that took time to help me. I am going to bed tonight resting a little easier. Love you all. 

[Batya33]

I hope you keep making changes.  She is responsible for her own choices.  She didn't make you do anything.  She's not responsible for your choice to get involved with an unavailable person and to treat yourself badly.  She is responsible at least in part for the demise of her marriage.  That's not of your concern.

My dad had BPD.  He managed it with meds and therapy and my mom was his hero.  She kept him alive and reasonably healthy.  I can relate indirectly as I lived at home till I was 28 and saw him through episodes/hospitalizations, etc.  He never abused alcohol or drugs.  Thank goodness. 

I hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you're making better choices and taking care of yourself.

[redswim30]

On 4/29/2023 at 7:53 PM, BreakingSad said:

. A healthy partner would have been more open to the BPD conversations and see if it’s something we could’ve tackled together.

remove her from the pedestal you all keep referring to. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YES, OP- YES!!!!   In a healthy partnership, people can discuss anything, even challenging things. 

In healthy relationships, no subject should be taboo.  Healthy partners are ones that wants to help support you through challenging things, because no one is perfect and everyone has their own struggles. 

But as I've already said, she wasn't interested in your issues, because she wasn't invested in a REAL relationship with you, she just wanted a fun fling.  When you meet someone who is truly interested and invested in you for a real relationship with you, they won't mind discussing your issues because they will want to support you and they'll be invested in your well-being and happiness. 

Part of removing her from that pedestal is learning to stop caring about what she thinks and feels anymore.  Believe me, I know this is SO much easier said than done.  We all live in our own shoes and are the heroes of our own story, and it's SO tempting to have thoughts of "Some day my ex will REALIZE how GREAT I WAS/AM!"  "One day they will regret breaking up with me!"  "One day they will come to realize how badly they treated me!"- but the truth is that they may OR they may NOT- and we have to accept that at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.  (You can also have a HIGH opinion of someone and STILL think you don't work as a couple and are toxic for each other)

In all honestly, I thought those things after my divorce- and even now occasionally I'll get a quick flash of " I wonder what he's told his current wife about me.  I wonder if he regrets how he treated me.- but these days, it's a momentary flash and it's gone- which is normal and human.  But try not to DWELL or think these thoughts have any real reflection on the past or the future.  These thoughts don't change what happened and they also don't impact the future. 

My personal opinion is that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than the crumbs she was offering you.  

Please take good care of yourself.  Learn from your mistakes and work on being the healthiest you that you can be. When we are the best versions of ourselves, we naturally attract people.  

All the best to you. 

 

[BreakingSad]

3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

YES, OP- YES!!!!   In a healthy partnership, people can discuss anything, even challenging things. 

In healthy relationships, no subject should be taboo.  Healthy partners are ones that wants to help support you through challenging things, because no one is perfect and everyone has their own struggles. 

But as I've already said, she wasn't interested in your issues, because she wasn't invested in a REAL relationship with you, she just wanted a fun fling.  When you meet someone who is truly interested and invested in you for a real relationship with you, they won't mind discussing your issues because they will want to support you and they'll be invested in your well-being and happiness. 

Part of removing her from that pedestal is learning to stop caring about what she thinks and feels anymore.  Believe me, I know this is SO much easier said than done.  We all live in our own shoes and are the heroes of our own story, and it's SO tempting to have thoughts of "Some day my ex will REALIZE how GREAT I WAS/AM!"  "One day they will regret breaking up with me!"  "One day they will come to realize how badly they treated me!"- but the truth is that they may OR they may NOT- and we have to accept that at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.  (You can also have a HIGH opinion of someone and STILL think you don't work as a couple and are toxic for each other)

In all honestly, I thought those things after my divorce- and even now occasionally I'll get a quick flash of " I wonder what he's told his current wife about me.  I wonder if he regrets how he treated me.- but these days, it's a momentary flash and it's gone- which is normal and human.  But try not to DWELL or think these thoughts have any real reflection on the past or the future.  These thoughts don't change what happened and they also don't impact the future. 

My personal opinion is that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than the crumbs she was offering you.  

Please take good care of yourself.  Learn from your mistakes and work on being the healthiest you that you can be. When we are the best versions of ourselves, we naturally attract people.  

All the best to you. 

 

Thank you. I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until after the relationship (or whatever it was). So, I never had a chance to talk to her about it. She just thinks I was toxic or not being authentic. That’s what kills me. And now that she has blocked me and is at peace - I have no way to explain anything to her. As I right this, I’ve been in bed all day crying - I keep writing emails/messages trying to make amends/explaining. But then I realize how stupid that is and throw therm in my journal. 

I’ve been reading a lot on BPD (I don’t have it badly.- lighter side of the spectrum) - but still now I see it’s impacted all of my major relationships. And because of it - I lost someone who meant the world to me. And there is nothing I can do about it now. I just feel so defective and wish I knew about it sooner so I wouldn’t have lost her. 

Furthermore, the more I read on BPD I see how hard / virtually impossible it is to keep a romantic relationship for the long-term. That kills me inside. Because I want to be married and have kids some day. And at the age of 42 I don’t think that’s possible anymore. 

Even though I am doing therapy, reading self help books, podcasts, videos, journaling etc. etc. I feel so lost and alone with all this. 

I’m sure she’s moved on and doesn’t care anymore. While I’m stuck with all this guilt, shame, regret, and sadness. I just want it to all go away..

[boltnrun]

Please contact your therapist and tell them you're crying uncontrollably and are in crisis. You may need immediate intensive treatment. And that's not a negative. If you broke your leg I presume you'd see a doctor. This is no different.

[BreakingSad]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please contact your therapist and tell them you're crying uncontrollably and are in crisis. You may need immediate intensive treatment. And that's not a negative. If you broke your leg I presume you'd see a doctor. This is no different.

I have already and I’m working through that part. It’s just the guilt/regret of ruining this and not forgiving myself is what I’m struggling with. 

[BreakingSad]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

I have already and I’m working through that part. It’s just the guilt/regret of ruining this and not forgiving myself is what I’m struggling with. 

How do I forgive myself for driving her away? 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

How do I forgive myself for driving her away? 

I think a place to start is to challenge yourself to remember that this is not fact, but a story you're telling yourself right now. 

To get meta: Let's say that, in response to the above, you deem me an insensitive internet troll and opt to block me from this site and/or just ignore everything I write. Would that be because I "drove you away"? Or would it be because my mode of communication + yours + life circumstances = a bad match for further internet advice chit chat? And if I went to another a site and outlined what happened between you and I here, do you think people would tell me I drove you away or something else? 

More on the self-forgiveness as it pertains here: I think it's wroth reminding yourself that you didn't go into any of this, or make any choices, motivated by malice. You met someone you dug, who tapped into some wants and hopes inside of you—for partnership, for marriage and kids, for romantic adventure—and gave that a go. Neither of you behaved perfectly, which is the norm in literally every single human relationship, from family to friends to romance, that has ever existed. In the end, it did not work, which sucks. At the same time, it does seem to be offering you some lessons, which are valuable. 

If you can push yourself to see it like that, I think you'll start to find the forgiveness you're looking for. 

[BreakingSad]

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I think a place to start is to challenge yourself to remember that this is not fact, but a story you're telling yourself right now. 

To get meta: Let's say that, in response to the above, you deem me an insensitive internet troll and opt to block me from this site and/or just ignore everything I write. Would that be because I "drove you away"? Or would it be because my mode of communication + yours + life circumstances = a bad match for further internet advice chit chat? And if I went to another a site and outlined what happened between you and I here, do you think people would tell me I drove you away or something else? 

More on the self-forgiveness as it pertains here: I think it's wroth reminding yourself that you didn't go into any of this, or make any choices, motivated by malice. You met someone you dug, who tapped into some wants and hopes inside of you—for partnership, for marriage and kids, for romantic adventure—and gave that a go. Neither of you behaved perfectly, which is the norm in literally every single human relationship, from family to friends to romance, that has ever existed. In the end, it did not work, which sucks. At the same time, it does seem to be offering you some lessons, which are valuable. 

If you can push yourself to see it like that, I think you'll start to find the forgiveness you're looking for. 

Thank you for this. To put me at peace here - Can someone confirm that regardless of the BPD / fighting / her anger towards me etc. etc. This was doomed from the beginning and the outcome would have been the same? 

In the end I got tangled up in an affair with a way younger woman who waffled on what she wanted with me but in the end used me as a temporary deflection to  prolong the healing / self-discovery process? And that despite me pushing her boundaries - in the end - I wanted more than she was a capable of giving me? And that no matter what, I needed to be out of the picture so she could go through her process? 

I’m not saying i was innocent in any of this. I made many poor choices. But I think I’m taking on a lot (if not all the guilt). I would feel better and be able to forgive myself knowing that I wasn’t completely at fault and that she had a big role to play in this. And again, no matter how well we got along or didn't…this outcome would have eventually played out anyways? And maybe consider myself lucky I was able to get out when I did? 

Or am I way off base? 

[bluecastle]

When I was spinning around in my head following one breakup—along with finding every whip possible to lash myself with, per a personal habit I've gotten a bit better at indulging—I came across a piece of graffiti that read: "The sum of Ex is always greater then Why." It became a little mantra for me, and so I'll share it in the hopes it provides some perspective here. Read it ten times in a row and see what happens. 

16 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

I would feel better and be able to forgive myself knowing that I wasn’t completely at fault and that she had a big role to play in this.

You weren't. No one is, ever. You were only ever one half of the equation here. As such, a relationship does not implode solely because of one person's choices, but because of a bad match that time has proved to be bad—or, maybe more accurately, a match that ran its course. The choices that seem so consequential in the throes of grief in time reveal themselves to be symptoms of that larger issue: a match that no longer has the right ingredients to keep going.

What you're doing now—replaying the tape and creating narratives in which it's your fault, her fault, doomed from the start, and so on—is in ways easier than just saying "Bad match." I get it. There is so much feeling in you right now that boiling it down to something that simple feels reductive. But in time I think you'll see that "bad match" does not negate the reality of what you shared, that it was momentarily wonderful and important and (hopefully) offered you some lessons and insights that are forever. 

[BreakingSad]

15 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

When I was spinning around in my head following one breakup—along with finding every whip possible to lash myself with, per a personal habit I've gotten a bit better at indulging—I came across a piece of graffiti that read: "The sum of Ex is always greater then Why." It became a little mantra for me, and so I'll share it in the hopes it provides some perspective here. Read it ten times in a row and see what happens. 

You weren't. No one is, ever. You were only ever one half of the equation here. As such, a relationship does not implode solely because of one person's choices, but because of a bad match that time has proved to be bad—or, maybe more accurately, a match that ran its course. The choices that seem so consequential in the throes of grief in time reveal themselves to be symptoms of that larger issue: a match that no longer has the right ingredients to keep going.

What you're doing now—replaying the tape and creating narratives in which it's your fault, her fault, doomed from the start, and so on—is in ways easier than just saying "Bad match." I get it. There is so much feeling in you right now that boiling it down to something that simple feels reductive. But in time I think you'll see that "bad match" does not negate the reality of what you shared, that it was momentarily wonderful and important and (hopefully) offered you some lessons and insights that are forever. 

Thank you for this. When we were on the same page on what we wanted (or seemed so) we got a long great! That’s what threw me for a loop. 

It was only when reality set in with the age difference, the divorce, the affair, different wants/needed etc. etc. where things began to fall apart. You’re right - no matter how I slice it was a bad match. You can call it timing, age difference, personality differences…whatever. 

I miss her so much and I harbor no resentment. I just hope (for her peace of mind - which is none of my business) she will feel the same. Despite all your comments - I know her very well. And she is not an angry person. I feel there is something more at play here. But you all may be right - maybe she just needed the anger to justify everything. For her sake, I hope the anger will fade, she’ll get some clarity, process the divorce, and live her best life.  

 I will continue strong with NO CONTACT and continue bettering myself. 

I actually wrote her an email today apologizing and explaining how my BPD had a part to play in the fighting. But I sat on it for an hour and reread your comments and then deleted it - PHEW. I figured no matter what I said it won’t change the outcome. She is done with me (which is clear from the social media block) and if I truly love her (which I do) I will respect her wishes. 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 4/28/2023 at 12:27 PM, BreakingSad said:

I wish she wasn’t so special to me. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never had an issue with letting someone go or a breakup like this. 

Real talk, would you feel like this if she were your age?

 

I know someone who does this, she’s hot, she’s sexy, she plays with older men and they fawn over her and think they’ve caught this vibrant young “soul mate.”  They can’t get over her even years later. But for her? It was just basking in the worshipful attention, it made her feel wanted, but it wasn’t real for her

 

are you sure that isn’t what’s going on here? 

 

 

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

I actually wrote her an email today apologizing and explaining how my BPD had a part to play in the fighting. But I sat on it for an hour and reread your comments and then deleted it - PHEW. I figured no matter what I said it won’t change the outcome.

Bravo.

It's good to get this stuff out, and says a lot about your own spine and fortitude and emotional health that you realized sending it isn't needed right now. As someone who has written pages to exes—and who has long turned to writing as a way of finding a foothold in the midst of chaos—I realized it was a stage of grief, one where I was not yet ready to fully embrace that I did not have—and never had—the sole power to render a relationship and/or person into everything I wanted. 

Per that, if you're really honest here I think you'll find that you are maybe idealizing a lot of this. It's exciting to steal kisses in dark hallways so no one sees, exciting to hide from a mother, and exciting to feel constantly nervous about things. But that excitement is more like what one can achieve through a line of cocaine than, say, a truly nourishing meal. 

[BreakingSad]

8 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Bravo.

It's good to get this stuff out, and says a lot about your own spine and fortitude and emotional health that you realized sending it isn't needed right now. As someone who has written pages to exes—and who has long turned to writing as a way of finding a foothold in the midst of chaos—I realized it was a stage of grief, one where I was not yet ready to fully embrace that I did not have—and never had—the sole power to render a relationship and/or person into everything I wanted. 

Per that, if you're really honest here I think you'll find that you are maybe idealizing a lot of this. It's exciting to steal kisses in dark hallways so no one sees, exciting to hide from a mother, and exciting to feel constantly nervous about things. But that excitement is more like what one can achieve through a line of cocaine than, say, a truly nourishing meal. 

You are right. Despite my part in this, I deserved better. Even-though, towards the end, PDA wasn’t an issue anymore, it had already worn me down. I suppose a healthy relationship (or dating) should start when both people are ready and are on the same page on what they want. And thanks to your comments - I realize despite how causal she wanted this - she did waffle - and neither of us had any business getting tangled up in this mess while she was still married / freshly divorced. It was doomed from the beginning. Not to mention the age difference. 
 

Im still gonna write the letter saying what I need to say and launch it into the heavens tied to a red balloon. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

 and then deleted it - 

 Good call. Getting it all out, but not sending it  You're healing already. Try not to view this as who's guilty for what. There's no guarantee, but her personal situation definitely played a role in the demise of the relationship. 

Keep in mind, you're still on the mend. It takes a while for the therapy, medical treatment and sobriety to start to turn things around for you. 

Eventually you'll be able to wrap your head around what happened and see things more objectively in hindsight. That is that you didn't really have as much control over her situation or actions as you thought. 

[BreakingSad]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Good call. Getting it all out, but not sending it  You're healing already. Try not to view this as who's guilty for what. There's no guarantee, but her personal situation definitely played a role in the demise of the relationship. 

Keep in mind, you're still on the mend. It takes a while for the therapy, medical treatment and sobriety to start to turn things around for you. 

Eventually you'll be able to wrap your head around what happened and see things more objectively in hindsight. That is that you didn't really have as much control over her situation or actions as you thought. 

Thank you. I’m feeling a lot better about forgiving myself. I see now that a lot of this is less about me and more about her. It’s her process to figure out. I just made some poor decisions and got caught up in a situation that was doomed from the beginning. I won’t lie, and I know it’s the grief but I do believe she’ll come back around some day (not in a romantic sense) but at least with a clear head and maybe we can exist in the same room together letting bygones be bygones. But I won’t bank on it nor is it any of my business. I am trying to look on the bright side:

-I am 30 days sober 

-I have been journaling for 30 days

-I do regular therapy 

-I’m part of a mental health support group 

-I just signed a lease to a more lively part of if my city (walking distance to everything)

-I got rid of all her crap

-I sold all my furniture and going to get new stuff so I have new place / new start 

-Just got a personal trainer 

-Signed up for a BPD specialist and got some workbooks on it 

-Reconnected with some old friends 

-Joined a few social clubs around town. 
 

Feels weird to do at the age of 42 but  never too late I suppose. I wouldn’t have done any of this had we not broken up. So silver lining I guess. 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

Thank you. I’m feeling a lot better about forgiving myself. I see now that a lot of this is less about me and more about her. It’s her process to figure out. I just made some poor decisions and got caught up in a situation that was doomed from the beginning. I won’t lie, and I know it’s the grief but I do believe she’ll come back around some day (not in a romantic sense) but at least with a clear head and maybe we can exist in the same room together letting bygones be bygones. But I won’t bank on it nor is it any of my business. I am trying to look on the bright side:

-I am 30 days sober 

-I have been journaling for 30 days

-I do regular therapy 

-I’m part of a mental health support group 

-I just signed a lease to a more lively part of if my city (walking distance to everything)

-I got rid of all her crap

-I sold all my furniture and going to get new stuff so I have new place / new start 

-Just got a personal trainer 

-Signed up for a BPD specialist and got some workbooks on it 

-Reconnected with some old friends 

-Joined a few social clubs around town. 
 

Feels weird to do at the age of 42 but  never too late I suppose. I wouldn’t have done any of this had we not broken up. So silver lining I guess. 

 

 

 

 

Great progress! What do you mean age of 42 -I work on personal growth regularly. I'm 56.  

I don't think she was using you to heal -that's a huge assumption on your part. It's simple-people move towards pleasure and away from pain. You found a lot of pleasure in pursuing a younger married woman -it gave you benefits like excitement, thrills, fun, and had little responsibility with it since you knew it likely wouldn't last long term and you'd never have the responsibiltiies of commitment or even potential commitment because she was married.

Assume she was with you because it pleased her -fun, exciting, enjoyed attention, no chance of real commitment because married people can't date, older man so something a little different, intriguing -who knows how she heals, whether she cares about healing or not what that means to her -those are psychobabble words in this situation.  No need to go there with your mind -the more you ascribe these psycological abstractions and "deep thoughts" to this fling the more you're going to stay too intensely focused on it IMO.  

I love all these positive actions you're taking!!

[Wonderstruck]

On 5/1/2023 at 8:22 PM, NighttimeNightmare said:

Real talk, would you feel like this if she were your age?

I know someone who does this, she’s hot, she’s sexy, she plays with older men and they fawn over her and think they’ve caught this vibrant young “soul mate.”  They can’t get over her even years later. But for her? It was just basking in the worshipful attention, it made her feel wanted, but it wasn’t real for her

are you sure that isn’t what’s going on here?

THIS.

@BreakingSad, you keep harping on the age difference as if you're getting off on it, rather than lamenting it.

[BreakingSad]

50 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

THIS.

@BreakingSad, you keep harping on the age difference as if you're getting off on it, rather than lamenting it.

It wasn’t my intent. It was to illustrate that it could have been a contributing factor in the demise of the relationship. When I found out her age, I didn’t feel like I was getting off on it. It caused me to think if it would be an issue. I mean I ain’t gonna like though…she’s smoking hot. But I don’t think thats an age thing. If she were my age and I was attracted to her, I’d like to think I’d feel the same way. But who knows. You guys could be onto something. I clearly don't know what the hell is going on which is why I’m reaching out for guidance. 

I struggle each and everyday with it and trying to find peace and forgiveness in my self. One day at a time…

[Morello]

OP, you are overly focusing on things like physical attractiveness, and the dopamine hits of dating someone much younger than you, etc., but not much on the issues that make you both essentially incompatible, such as lifestyles: she likes to party, you probably don't, you have a caring attitude, she does not seem so, and so on.

Everything you described about this relationship seems to show you are very much incompatible. You don't want to end up in a relationship with someone who is so different and has values that seem to almost be the opposite of yours. This would just cause you pain and keep in the way of you finding someone you'd be truly happy with. This stuff is way more important than physical attraction. This is one of the reasons why you see some very attractive couples separating, and some "normally" looking people going through long-lasting and happy relationships.

I can't remember if you are already seeing a therapist, but I think there is (still) a lot to unpack there. You seem to be barking at the wrong tree - looking for women who will not satisfy you fully in the social and emotional sense. This will just keep causing you pain if you don't address it properly with the help of a professional. I do speak from experience on how therapy/counselling can help you understand and digest why you are to the point of breaking down because of a break-up that seemed to have been there since you met this person. It did not resemble anything like a healthy relationship.

I hope you get to the bottom of this at some point, and I do understand that things are looking pretty grim for you at this stage. Just know one thing, this will pass. You will forget her one day. But you can work on making this a quicker process than it has to be. Good luck with your next steps.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

I mean I ain’t gonna like though…she’s smoking hot. But I don’t think thats an age thing.

I think part of the perception of smoking hot was the thrill of the chase of a younger woman/"damsel in distress" [not]