When they accept your apology but do not move forward

[eastcoastgal]

I like to keepit brief here. I just have lingering questions ...

What is with the person that says they accept your apology and says they are willing to put it in the past and move on, but then use it every chance they in, or to start an argument?? And, this person NEVER apologizes... for anything...ever.

What is WRONG with this person?

[spinstermanquee]

Sounds like someone who holds a grudge and is incapable of letting it go. People who try to repeatedly punish others for a mistake in the past, or use the mistake as a control mechanism, should be kicked to the curb.  Compound that with lack of accountability, it's not worth the hassle.

You did your bit to put it right, now time to exit stage right.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I like to keepit brief here. I just have lingering questions ...

What is with the person that says they accept your apology and says they are willing to put it in the past and move on, but then use it every chance they in, or to start an argument?? And, this person NEVER apologizes... for anything...ever.

What is WRONG with this person?

It means their actions don't match their words.

 

[Kwothe28]

28 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

What is WRONG with this person?

Narcissism?

Narcissism is characterized by very little empathy. That means they have a very little empathy for your needs, wants, or feelings. As well as that they will never apologize because, well, they never believe they are wrong in the first place. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

but then use it every chance they in, or to start an argument?

Holding it over your head is to manufacture leverage for the purpose of power and control. It's really that simple. Don't take the bait. That's the purpose of hauling this out with every argument.

[Cherylyn]

This type of person claims to accept your apology yet will always hold a grudge and use your transgression to manipulate the dialogue,  narrative and conversation.  It's about control and control over you.  Their "acceptance" of your apology is never getting over it.  They're not willing to move forward with you nor do they want to heal with you either.  They'll always hold your previous offense against you.  Your apology never really mattered.

As for the other person,  NEVER apologizing,  well, welcome to my world. 🙄 My local sister, mother, brother and in the past, my MIL (mother-in-law -- although much better with my MIL nowadays) would never apologize in a million years because they're in denial,  very ignorant,  lack empathy and indifferent.  You don't matter.  They're a very selfish,  self-centered lot.  You're nothing.  Zero.  You'll always owe others an apology but they'll never play by the same rules.  There are two sets of rules here.  One for them and one for you so grow accustomed to it.  I steer clear of people who are red flags to me.  They're off and abnormal.  I focus on my own life and people who are good to me.  Everyone else is trash.

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

What is with the person that says they accept your apology and says they are willing to put it in the past and move on, but then use it every chance they in, or to start an argument?? And, this person NEVER apologizes... for anything...ever.

What is WRONG with this person?

This person is a liar. They actually don't accept your apology. They won't put it in the past. They won't move on from it.

They have proven that they lied. Why do you believe what they say?

[SherrySher]

11 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I like to keepit brief here. I just have lingering questions ...

What is with the person that says they accept your apology and says they are willing to put it in the past and move on, but then use it every chance they in, or to start an argument?? And, this person NEVER apologizes... for anything...ever.

What is WRONG with this person?

Totally insincere. They didn't actually forgive you, they were only saying it to make themselves look good but will continue to punish you with it, every chance they get.

If they never apologize, they are not mature enough to admit fault, nor humble enough.

Sounds like a very toxic person.

[Cherylyn]

13 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I like to keepit brief here. I just have lingering questions ...

What is with the person that says they accept your apology and says they are willing to put it in the past and move on, but then use it every chance they in, or to start an argument?? And, this person NEVER apologizes... for anything...ever.

What is WRONG with this person?

I don't even spend time and energy trying to figure out people who are a waste of my brain space.  I simply eliminate them from my life so it feels liberating,  easier and smoother.  Problem solved.  I don't deal and I never deal.  No way.  They're OUT.

[eastcoastgal]

22 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I don't even spend time and energy trying to figure out people who are a waste of my brain space.  I simply eliminate them from my life so it feels liberating,  easier and smoother.  Problem solved.  I don't deal and I never deal.  No way.  They're OUT.

Good for you. But I have difficulty understanding the behaviour. I'd love to forget he ever existed, but I have never met anyone so cold and calculating.

[MissCanuck]

Is this the same guy from your other threads? 

[catfeeder]

Ya know, I've had instances where I've accepted an apology without a promise of forgiveness today or in the future, because I see those as two different things.

I've apologized to people sincerely but with the understanding that they don't 'owe' me forgiveness.

I've also forgiven people, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to share lunch yet--or even spend time with that person again. Ever.

But in your case, espousing forgiveness has been a lie, because the guy has just morphed the thing into a weapon.

There's nothing forgiving--or loving--about that.

I'd stay the hell away from him. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

Good for you. But I have difficulty understanding the behaviour. I'd love to forget he ever existed, but I have never met anyone so cold and calculating.

Well @eastcoastgal.  The world is full of people who claim to accept your apology yet they'll always hold it against you because they're masters at manipulating the relationship and / or dialogue.  They're an insincere and shady lot.  This is a psychological disorder for which there is no cure.  They've had a lot of practice.  You're not the first nor the last.  It's their ingrained habit.

As or never apologizing,  it's typical narcissistic behavior.  People who never apologize deny, deny, deny.  There is no accountability whatsoever.  They'll gaslight you by twisting it around on you and label you as the nutcase,  not they.  Their egos are extremely inflated.  They're narcissistic. 

It's good to never forget he never existed.  You learn how to avoid tricky people and you learn how to navigate yourself with caution from now on. 

Whenever I've had bad experiences with so many people in my life,  it taught me to be very picky and choosy regarding whom to associate with and whom to avoid like COVID. 

[Cherylyn]

45 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Ya know, I've had instances where I've accepted an apology without a promise of forgiveness today or in the future, because I see those as two different things.

I've apologized to people sincerely but with the understanding that they don't 'owe' me forgiveness.

I've also forgiven people, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to share lunch yet--or even spend time with that person again. Ever.

But in your case, espousing forgiveness has been a lie, because the guy has just morphed the thing into a weapon.

There's nothing forgiving--or loving--about that.

I'd stay the hell away from him. 

I agree with @catfeeder.   I too have received a few rare apologies during my lifetime.  However,  it doesn't mean I've regained trust.  I tread lightly because I know it's only a matter of time before history repeats itself with the next offense.  There's a huge part of me which remains doubtful,  wary and jaded.  It's my protective mechanism. 

I've apologized as well even if I had to swallow my pride while the other person isn't sorry for inflicting harm onto me.  After that,  the relationship wasn't the same.  Innocence had been permanently lost.  Naivete is no more.

Forgive means to move on and I'm certainly trying.  That being said,  it doesn't mean "forgive and forget."  I'll NEVER forget.  As @catfeeder said,  I too am NOT willing to share lunch,  spend time with that person nor do anything with that person forever.  I'm so done and continue to move on WITHOUT THEM in my midst.  Those are my new enforced,  very strong,   permanent boundaries.

As for you, @eastcoastgal, never be with a complex,  very complicated guy.  He's nothing but trouble and will give you a life of angst and unnecessary,  heavy stress.  Best to avoid him like the plague!