I don't know what to do

[H o p e]

7 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Well, at this point you really have nothing to lose. Send a flirty text and see what happens. 

However, if he's a really good-looking, successful self-made bachelor who doesn't have a problem touching a woman's hand in their first meeting, I expect this guy to be one of those guys who are just charming, flirty and yes, be attracted to you but not that in to you. 

And that could hinge on him not wanting to mix business with pleasure, nothing with you personally. 

 

 

Sounds very probable, too, thank you.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, H o p e said:

 I'm not sure if he was actually romantically interested when he suggested the coffee or maybe he just made an offhand comment. Sometimes for some reason people say something but they don't really mean it.

Depending on the business and cultural climate. To me the comment seems more like a parting statement such "let's do lunch", without a real intention. In this case the coffee invite was to thank you for the business deal, not a date.

[H o p e]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Depending on the business and cultural climate. To me the comment seems more like a parting statement such "let's do lunch", without a real intention. In this case the coffee invite was to thank you for the business deal, not a date.

If it was just a formal way of thanking me, or an obligtion he felt - beacuse we collaborated, we still live in the same business environment, we have mutual friends from before - so, if it was pure formality with real intention, he would have completed the task by now, he would let mi know about that date, he would take me out for that coffee, just to put a checkmark on it, you know, spend half an hour/an hour with me, and move on ASAP to the next business coffee proposal, lunch, whatever. No feelings attached.

If his intention was real, it's funny why it takes such a long time to even communicate it, while in the beginning the communication was prompt, smooth, that is, until I got stuck at work and I slowed down the communication.

If it was just a phrase he used with no intention of following through. I don't know about him, but because of our mutual friends, I would definitely want to follow through. It says a lot about a person, to walk the talk, even if the business transaction is over. It's a matter of principle, integrity. But maybe that's exactly why it's keeping him away, maybe he feels it as obligation.

 

[MissCanuck]

Look, after 5 pages of this, it's simple:

If he was still interested in coffee by the time you mentioned it, he would have had coffee with you. There's no point ruminating so much over something that can't be undone. 

I personally would not ask him again, but if you won't be able to let it rest in your mind,  get in touch and see if he still on for it. His response (or lack thereof) will be your answer. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

remember my best friend telling me she went on a date with a guy she liked and he said: "Next time we should go indoor rock climbing" and my best friend was like, yeah, sounds great! Then she texted him after the date and the guy never replied and she never heard from him again. And I remember a guy I went on a date with was like: "Nice to meet you, I'll give you a call." But he never contacted me ever again. 

Many years ago I met a man for a first date and I was over the moon and he even said things that were a bit over the top for a first date about marriage, engagement, etc.  It was the early 90s.  He asked me if I wanted to go see a specific movie that was out the following weekend and I said yes and he said he'd call me.  No cell phones -landlines, etc.  No email, no internet.  By Wednesday he hadn't called to set a time/confirm.  I called him (against my better judgment).  The conversation was meh.  He agreed to meet for the movie but not with enthusiasm.

I showed up a bit early at the theater and was calling my girlfriend from a payphone (LOL) and he walks in but I wasn't entirely sure it was him - I'd met him once, had been low lights in the restaurant and I was nervous. 

So I waited a few minutes and went over to him, oversharing that I'd been there early.  He was "really" put off by this.  Why hadn't I come right over, etc. In hindsight -he was "really" put off by most anything -he hadn't followed up and called me because he wasn't "that" into me but figured ok why not I want to see the movie anyway.  After the movie we had a late lunch.  He was coming down with a cold. As excited a he'd been on date one was as blah as he was on this date.  Obviously he never called again. (No  there was no romance on either date -no kissing touching etc- complete gentleman)

Stuff can change on a dime - and yes I googled him years later -he married a very pretty and successful woman and he's a successful guy.  Maybe I misread his initial interest in seeing the movie, maybe he changed his mind, maybe he found my follow up call too forward etc.  It was no fun to be with someone on a date who did not particularly want to be there and was politely going through the motions.  But not surprising at all.  A strong connection on one day with a near stranger can fade out quickly and/or increase and .... infinite possibilities.  

 

[H o p e]

30 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Look, after 5 pages of this, it's simple:

If he was still interested in coffee by the time you mentioned it, he would have had coffee with you. There's no point ruminating so much over something that can't be undone. 

I personally would not ask him again, but if you won't be able to let it rest in your mind,  get in touch and see if he still on for it. His response (or lack thereof) will be your answer. 

Amazing, how you never forget to mention how the situation can not be undone. But it is just your rather pessimistic point of view, no matter how many times you rewrite it. Thanks anyway.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, H o p e said:

how you never forget to mention how the situation can not be undone.

You are misunderstanding. 

What I mean is that you can't go back and change how things went. But here you are, compeltely over-analyzing and over-thinking. Does that serve you? I can't imagine so. 

I also suggested you reach out if you can't let it be in your own mind. Or did you skip that part of my post? 

4 minutes ago, H o p e said:

. But it is just your rather pessimistic point of view

Yes, based on the choices you made, my view is that this won't work out and you left it too long. Call that pessimistic if you choose, that's fine. I'm simply offering my view, based on my experience. You can take it or leave it. 

 

[H o p e]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Many years ago I met a man for a first date and I was over the moon and he even said things that were a bit over the top for a first date about marriage, engagement, etc.  It was the early 90s.  He asked me if I wanted to go see a specific movie that was out the following weekend and I said yes and he said he'd call me.  No cell phones -landlines, etc.  No email, no internet.  By Wednesday he hadn't called to set a time/confirm.  I called him (against my better judgment).  The conversation was meh.  He agreed to meet for the movie but not with enthusiasm.

I showed up a bit early at the theater and was calling my girlfriend from a payphone (LOL) and he walks in but I wasn't entirely sure it was him - I'd met him once, had been low lights in the restaurant and I was nervous. 

So I waited a few minutes and went over to him, oversharing that I'd been there early.  He was "really" put off by this.  Why hadn't I come right over, etc. In hindsight -he was "really" put off by most anything -he hadn't followed up and called me because he wasn't "that" into me but figured ok why not I want to see the movie anyway.  After the movie we had a late lunch.  He was coming down with a cold. As excited a he'd been on date one was as blah as he was on this date.  Obviously he never called again. (No  there was no romance on either date -no kissing touching etc- complete gentleman)

Stuff can change on a dime - and yes I googled him years later -he married a very pretty and successful woman and he's a successful guy.  Maybe I misread his initial interest in seeing the movie, maybe he changed his mind, maybe he found my follow up call too forward etc.  It was no fun to be with someone on a date who did not particularly want to be there and was politely going through the motions.  But not surprising at all.  A strong connection on one day with a near stranger can fade out quickly and/or increase and .... infinite possibilities.  

 

Thank you for sharing the story. 🙂

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, H o p e said:

And now, with this guy who invited me for coffee, as if I'm trying to protect myself from the disappointment - high expectations other people created and I am trapped in them, like in a myth. People telling me how great he is created big part of those expectations, not myself, and that's a huge difference. And yes, I created them too, I am an optimist, I want to find out he really is a pleasant person and at the same time man of integrity. So basically, as if I'm avoidant not to spoil the image I have, waiting for him to follow through. In the end, it's the simple things that define communication. Such as showing up or not ...

But in this situation what's the hurt about -you creating this fantasy of him based on second hand info -were any of them his serious romantic partners or they just know him through work/business?  

I took off my professional hat when I dated and was in a similarly competitive demanding field as you but to me taking it slow doesn't include acting flaky in responding to an invitation -your 2-week delay  =you'd never do that to a potential client, ever. 

I let the man do the asking out -I was traditional that way and the men I matched best with were traditional men - while showing interest in several other ways.  He did not ask you out on a date yet.  Taking it slow meant not being full on analogous to a professional situation.  Also you were delaying out of fear -not because of  your laid back non-work style.  That's different to me. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

 But maybe that's exactly why it's keeping him away, maybe he feels it as obligation.

The solution is to contact him and invite him for coffee. This way you'll have an answer one way or the other. Unfortunately you still seem unsure if it was a "date" (which you're hoping for) or a business courtesy.  Either way it's fine to stay in touch, because you do have a business relationship.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, H o p e said:

Life taught me cynicism equals loss of power and I choose to go beyond cynicism, no matter what lesson life is giving me.

I think it's cynical on your part and negative to delay responding out of fear of rejection.  And then assuming -negatively- that the issue was you not being good enough because he gets all this social media attention from women.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, H o p e said:

like you have a certain problem yourself, which of course speaks volumes about you, not about me or this guy. 

Nah, this is nothing more than projection and conjecture on your part. You are trying to do it with this man too, in assuming he might be testing you, afraid and so on. You have no evidence on which to base assumptions like that. 

9 minutes ago, H o p e said:

but I don't like your vibe

That's ok. It isn't really relevant to me (or your current issue) if you like my vibe. 

All you can do is contact him again. Ask him for coffee again. Then you will know what you need to  know to move forward. 

[H o p e]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But in this situation what's the hurt about -you creating this fantasy of him based on second hand info -were any of them his serious romantic partners or they just know him through work/business?  

I took off my professional hat when I dated and was in a similarly competitive demanding field as you but to me taking it slow doesn't include acting flaky in responding to an invitation -your 2-week delay  =you'd never do that to a potential client, ever. 

I let the man do the asking out -I was traditional that way and the men I matched best with were traditional men - while showing interest in several other ways.  He did not ask you out on a date yet.  Taking it slow meant not being full on analogous to a professional situation.  Also you were delaying out of fear -not because of  your laid back non-work style.  That's different to me. 

Yes, I was delaying out of stress at work, fear of coming on too strong, those were two main reasons. And fear of repeating the same situation (in general, I would not advice to mix business and pleasure, too much at stake, but the irony is I am now in exactly the same situation as so many colleagues I know who had that same dilemma). When I was talking about my slow moves and more of a low key approach in private life, I tried to point out I am cautious. And this time, it might me I was a bit slow because I was also very tired and didnpt want to make any mistake, you know, I wanted to feel okay like when we worked together.

 

[H o p e]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's cynical on your part and negative to delay responding out of fear of rejection.  And then assuming -negatively- that the issue was you not being good enough because he gets all this social media attention from women.

No no no, I do not compete with women, especially online.  I was just saying he is constantly being given all the attention and perhaps it's annoying, you know, so many women coming on to you strong all the time.
I almost had burnout, so bieng overworked and waiting for the right time not cancelling along the way couldn't possible be cynicism. If he understood it that way, well, I can not reverse that either, can I. But perhaps I will fix it with a small gesture. Worth giving it a try.

[H o p e]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Nah, this is nothing more than projection and conjecture on your part. You are trying to do it with this man too, in assuming he might be testing you, afraid and so on. You have no evidence on which to base assumptions like that. 

That's ok. It isn't really relevant to me (or your current issue) if you like my vibe. 

All you can do is contact him again. Ask him for coffee again. Then you will know what you need to  know to move forward. 

Wow, you know what, you're right about the projection thing! I didn't see it at all ... Thanks for pointing that out and I mean it.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, H o p e said:

No no no, I do not compete with women, especially online.  I was just saying he is constantly being given all the attention and perhaps it's annoying, you know, so many women coming on to you strong all the time.
I almost had burnout, so bieng overworked and waiting for the right time not cancelling along the way couldn't possible be cynicism. If he understood it that way, well, I can not reverse that either, can I. But perhaps I will fix it with a small gesture. Worth giving it a try.

I didn't mean you were competing.  I meant what I wrote above when you first wrote you'd gone to the trouble of mining his social media.

Well no  -you do what you would do in a work situation.  Or with a friend "Hi, I wanted to get back to you and I cannot set a day right now because I'm on deadline but by ___ date I should know a lot more - I'd hate to make a plan and then have to cancel because of work."

I did that last week with a new friend.  She wanted to schedule a phone call and I texted back "I can't even schedule right now but I'll get back to you soon." That was last Thursday or Friday.  Yesterday morning I texted her "I probably can do 1:30-4, work permitting."  She chose 1:30 and we spoke.  That to me is the way to deal with being overworked/burnt out -that way you don't subject a person who is trying to get to know you to your stress.

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't mean you were competing.  I meant what I wrote above when you first wrote you'd gone to the trouble of mining his social media.

Well no  -you do what you would do in a work situation.  Or with a friend "Hi, I wanted to get back to you and I cannot set a day right now because I'm on deadline but by ___ date I should know a lot more - I'd hate to make a plan and then have to cancel because of work."

I did that last week with a new friend.  She wanted to schedule a phone call and I texted back "I can't even schedule right now but I'll get back to you soon." That was last Thursday or Friday.  Yesterday morning I texted her "I probably can do 1:30-4, work permitting."  She chose 1:30 and we spoke.  That to me is the way to deal with being overworked/burnt out -that way you don't subject a person who is trying to get to know you to your stress.

Yes, you've done it smoothly. I should have done it that way: sooner and with more self-explanation. I know that for some time now.

But I assumed he has as many things going on just as I do (so at first I wasn't even worried it could come across as me lacking interest) and being a professional, I thought of all people he would understand my text when I finally reached out, explained myself and came up with suggestion - a specific day, as I promised I would. He was then unsure of his schedule. I did not completely disappear as he did after that suggestion and that's what's worrying me. It's also one of two reasons why I'm still posting here instead of moving my ass to finally text him. 🙂 And the other reason is. How to explain it. If I would meet this guy at the party or a voleyball match or picnic, I wouldn't worry about my appearance, about how someone interprets my silence or my iniciatives. But since the mutual background is business, I just don't want anyone to know that I have a crush on him - including him.

I will now take a walk and decide. It's time. 🙂

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, H o p e said:

 I just don't want anyone to know that I have a crush on him - including him.IIwill now take a walk and decide. It's time. 

🙂

You have 2 choices. Contact him and invite him for coffee or don't and let it go. If you prefer to stay businesslike and not reveal the crush, perhaps let it go.

[H o p e]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have 2 choices. Contact him and invite him for coffee or don't and let it go. If you prefer to stay businesslike and not reveal the crush, perhaps let it go.

Spot on.

But I do have to correct myself. 🙂

 I just don't want anyone to know that I have a crush on him - including him, AT THE MOMENT. BUT IF we actually go for that coffee and see each other again and if we stay in touch, I would open to all options, depending on the energy, that is.

[Lambert]

I hope you just text him... one last time. 

You're definitely interested so why not take a chance?  You're in your 40s, stop playing games.  That's the lesson. if someone asks you out and you're interested, make it happen. respond with a "coffee sounds great.  when are you free? "

Now back to this time- text him.

If he doesn't grab the ball and make a quick plan, then you know and you can move on knowing for whatever reason this guy is not what you thought. 

And that's ok, too!

[Sindy_0311]

4 hours ago, H o p e said:

I was just saying he is constantly being given all the attention and perhaps it's annoying, you know, so many women coming on to you strong all the time.
 

Yea, this must be so horrible to get all that attention from the other gender… I can’t even imagine how bothered I would be by so many beautiful women gravitating around me… heark 😆

[Sindy_0311]

4 hours ago, H o p e said:

 I just don't want anyone to know that I have a crush on him - including him, AT THE MOMENT. BUT IF we actually go for that coffee and see each other again and if we stay in touch, I would open to all options, depending on the energy, that is.

You should not care what other people think. What is so bad about him or anyone knowing you have a crush on him… you should just learn to be more vulnerable. I once had a crush on a coworker, and he knew it. He was flattered, we had great work relationship, we used to talk like always, but nothing even happened… he wasn’t bothered by me having a crush on him because I never put him in a weird position.  We are still friends and every thing is fine… just accept to show your vulnerability a little bit, men do like that… 😉

[H o p e]

Thank you for all the encouragement.

So, last tuesday evening (early evening) I did write him a funny text message about our coffee being elusive ... And I told him I'm free until next wednesday, that most of the week I will remain in the country, so if he was around, we might grab that coffee. Couple of hours later, he read my text, but it was now very late in the evening and I guess that's why he decided to answer me next day in the morning (I thought I would do the same).

His reply was very short, only three sentences. In first, he was laughing shortly at my joke. In second, he wrote this coffee is not meant to be. I thought, my gosh, how harsh, but it was obviously a comment about bad timing, because in his third last sentence, he wrote 'I am abroad till wednesday. 😞 Some of us have to work during holidays 😛'.

I replied I understand cause sometimes I have to work holidays and weekends too, and I wished him success. And I suggested he contacts me when he's back, trying to make another joke that perhaps we should just switch from coffee to tea. 😊

And that was it, no reply from him later and it's been four days. I have no intention of reaching out again.

So, basically he did not close communication in any way, but I have lower expectations now. I might be surprised if he does come around; or I might soon just have to forget about him - that would still make me sad. But at the same time, I feel okay because I think I did not cross any line. At least I hope so ...

Any further comments?

 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

Thank you for all the encouragement.

So, last tuesday evening (early evening) I did write him a funny text message about our coffee being elusive ... And I told him I'm free until next wednesday, that most of the week I will remain in the country, so if he was around, we might grab that coffee. Couple of hours later, he read my text, but it was now very late in the evening and I guess that's why he decided to answer me next day in the morning (I thought I would do the same).

His reply was very short, only three sentences. In first, he was laughing shortly at my joke. In second, he wrote this coffee is not meant to be. I thought, my gosh, how harsh, but it was obviously a comment about bad timing, because in his third last sentence, he wrote 'I am abroad till wednesday. 😞 Some of us have to work during holidays 😛'.

I replied I understand cause sometimes I have to work holidays and weekends too, and I wished him success. And I suggested he contacts me when he's back, trying to make another joke that perhaps we should just switch from coffee to tea. 😊

And that was it, no reply from him later and it's been four days. I have no intention of reaching out again.

So, basically he did not close communication in any way, but I have lower expectations now. I might be surprised if he does come around; or I might soon just have to forget about him - that would still make me sad. But at the same time, I feel okay because I think I did not cross any line. At least I hope so ...

Any further comments?

 

Well you already asked him to go for a coffee and he didn't follow up. Then you asked him again. Honestly from everything you've been writing, I'm not really seeing any signs that he was romantically into you. It was mostly you initiating all the messages and trying to start a conversation but his replies were short. It didn't really seem like he was that interested in keeping the conversation going or in catching up. Also he had your number all along but he wasn't actually starting any conversations or asking you out. Even saying: "This coffee isn't meant to be". While I know it sounds like a joke but I think maybe you need to read between the lines. 

There's nothing wrong with liking someone and asking them out but to be honest I would have basically taken the first coffee fail as a rejection. 

[boltnrun]

Seems to me he wanted to buy you coffee to thank you for the work. A polite thing to do, also it would help maintain the professional connection.

Do you even know if he's single?

Anyway I wouldn't pursue this. And it's fine, as they say there are other fish in the sea.