Just Friendly or Something More?

[jsh12365]

A few months ago a woman transferred into my work group. I initially just thought she was cute, but didn't want to "dip the pen in company ink" so didn't look at her as a dating propect. She is really easy to get along with, is good at her job, & is easy going. So after starting to get to know her, I was fine just being friends and coworkers.

But couple of weeks ago she and I were paired together some on a special job. It was the first time we had to have 1on1 conversations and I was kind of taken by surprise when she asked me if I was into tabletop gaming and mentioned she'd bought her ticket for the local comic con, which are some of my hobbies. I had no clue at all she was into that type of stuff as well, but I guess she'd picked up on the fact I was.

Also, about this same time another guy from another dept had been asking me if she was single, so I asked her to get him to leave me alone. She initially said yes, but when I clarified that I was asking for someone else she back peddled and told me to tell him she had a boyfriend. Looking back I wonder if she thought I was asking for myself at first? She also asked me if I'd been to a new gaming/pop culture bar in my town, which I wasn't even aware of. And we also have the same taste in music. I haven't been to a concert in a while since my friends I used to go with haven't had time since having kids and other things. She apparently goes quite a bit. She said she goes to some alone and some with another guy friend, which she made a point to mention that he'd wanted to get a room together for an upcoming show and she had to clarify things between them.

I also asked if she'd been back to the bar and told her to let me know next time. She told me she'd gone with a female friend of hers last time and was going to a small concert with her in another city last weekend. She said her friend was talking to the drummer of that band and that some of his band mates tried to get her to go back to their hotel, which she declined.

I've heard all the don't nip your pen in company ink and have abided by it as far as those I work with closely. But, ive found myself crushing on her really hard the past few weeks. Our workplace is massive, multiple shifts and thousands of employees so dating/marrying coworkers is fairly common. But not working in the same group together. And I'm getting close to being vested in benefits and was already seriously considering other companies when I hit it. As well as simply being able to transfer to another area.

I had mentioned and hinted about concerts and the bar, but haven't directly asked her to do anything until this past weekend when i asked if she wanted to go to hangout at the bar, which she said she would but couldn't this weekend but maybe another. So i asked to LMK when she wanted to.

Am I seeing more here than there is? Changing from being single to having a BF when it was for the other guy? And letting me know she wasn't hooking up with these other guys at concerts? And I can definitely tell a difference in how she interacts with me when it's just us vs our other coworkers around, which I am too.

 

 

[Batya33]

I would proceed with caution -true, you asked her if she was single which is "ok" but a little dicey/personal to ask at work but she seems to like to overshare about how many men want to have sex with her. 

It's kind of concerning -so she wants you to know she gets hit on and that she declines - why share the information to make that point? All she has to do so that you know she's not into casual sex is simply to -if you two do go out on a date -tell you that she's looking for a potentially serious relationship or that she enjoys dating casually and then mention public activities she likes to do -which she already has, actually.  

I originally met my husband at work.  We didn't work together, there was almost no chance we ever would and we worked at a huge company on different floors -and I left 6 months after we started dating (for reasons unrelated to dating him).  

I think it's fine to ask her out once you're no longer working one on one.  I would not gossip about other coworkers and their interest in her and I would plan a date that involves -if you do have a drink -staying sober and doing an activity at a public place you both enjoy.  She might choose to share details (I know she didn't give names of who hit on her -so that's good) so proceed with caution since she seems to like to accentuate how desired she is.

[MissCanuck]

Before you two hang out on your own, I would clarify first if she does in fact have a boyfriend. 

[jsh12365]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I would proceed with caution -true, you asked her if she was single which is "ok" but a little dicey/personal to ask at work but she seems to like to overshare about how many men want to have sex with her. 

It's kind of concerning -so she wants you to know she gets hit on and that she declines - why share the information to make that point? All she has to do so that you know she's not into casual sex is simply to -if you two do go out on a date -tell you that she's looking for a potentially serious relationship or that she enjoys dating casually and then mention public activities she likes to do -which she already has, actually.  

I originally met my husband at work.  We didn't work together, there was almost no chance we ever would and we worked at a huge company on different floors -and I left 6 months after we started dating (for reasons unrelated to dating him).  

I think it's fine to ask her out once you're no longer working one on one.  I would not gossip about other coworkers and their interest in her and I would plan a date that involves -if you do have a drink -staying sober and doing an activity at a public place you both enjoy.  She might choose to share details (I know she didn't give names of who hit on her -so that's good) so proceed with caution since she seems to like to accentuate how desired she is.

I wouldn't really consider it gossiping. He is a coworker from another group we see I'm passing that I know a little bit. He had asked me multiple times to find out, so I eventually did to get him to stop. I realize now I should have just told him to leave me out of it.

And she has another guy coworker from her previous group that she goes to concerts with. I took her telling me that she rejected getting a room with him at the upcoming one as her letting me know that nothing romantic or sexual was going on between them. 

But, you're right. I will be cautious, the band member mention was odd I guess. I'm already planning on options to leave in a few months or I wouldn't consider it.

[jsh12365]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Before you two hang out on your own, I would clarify first if she does in fact have a boyfriend. 

She told me when I first asked if she was single that she had been seeing someone a couple of years but recently broke up because he didn't want anything serious with her. And this morning she told me she'd taken herself hiking this past weekend.

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, jsh12365 said:

She told me when I first asked if she was single that she had been seeing someone a couple of years but recently broke up because he didn't want anything serious with her. And this morning she told me she'd taken herself hiking this past weekend.

So, she is totally single now? 

[Kwothe28]

Its a doozy one. On one hand she isnt available for your colleague but tries to be available to you. On the other hand you want to see her behavior with those men and her telling you how she didnt sleep with them as some kind of sign she is into you. Instead of just seeing them as a red flags. For example, your other colleague. She straight up knows his intentions. But lets him go with her to some concert and needs to clarify that she doesnt want a room. If you started dating her would you be OK with that kind of behavior from her? And knowing that she is a friend with somebody who straight up wants to have sex with her but that she still keeps him as a "friend". Its weird that she is telling you all that stuff. You dont need to know who she turned off(or not) for sex when she has gone out.

Second thing is, you said you dont have time for concerts and such as you have kids. She has quite a social life. Would you be able to follow her up on that? When you simply dont have time for that?

I would bow out. In addition to red flags she already turned you off for a date. So even her interest isnt maybe there. So its maybe beter to just leave it alone. Especially because you work together.

[jsh12365]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So, she is totally single now? 

Yes

[jsh12365]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its a doozy one. On one hand she isnt available for your colleague but tries to be available to you. On the other hand you want to see her behavior with those men and her telling you how she didnt sleep with them as some kind of sign she is into you. Instead of just seeing them as a red flags. For example, your other colleague. She straight up knows his intentions. But lets him go with her to some concert and needs to clarify that she doesnt want a room. If you started dating her would you be OK with that kind of behavior from her? And knowing that she is a friend with somebody who straight up wants to have sex with her but that she still keeps him as a "friend". Its weird that she is telling you all that stuff. You dont need to know who she turned off(or not) for sex when she has gone out.

Second thing is, you said you dont have time for concerts and such as you have kids. She has quite a social life. Would you be able to follow her up on that? When you simply dont have time for that?

I would bow out. In addition to red flags she already turned you off for a date. So even her interest isnt maybe there. So its maybe beter to just leave it alone. Especially because you work together.

I have no kids. My friends who I used to go with now have no time, so I haven't been going. And from what she explained with the friend she's been going to concerts with, they've just been going as friends and he dropped the hotel room together on a concert they're going to this summer and he hasn't made moves before. 

But, yes. I'm not asking her again

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, jsh12365 said:

 i asked if she wanted to go to hangout at the bar, which she said she would but couldn't this weekend but maybe another. So i asked to LMK when she wanted to.

You're doing the right thing stepping back. The ball is in her court. She knows you're interested so wait until she contacts you.

[redswim30]

Please be ultra cautious.  Dating at work is even more complicated than ever. 

She's shown you that she's the type of woman to "change her story", so that alone should give you massive pause.   

I would just remain her friend, if I were you.   

[Cherylyn]

She sounds shady and deceitful.  She back peddled by changing her story which is suspicious and distrustful.  She doesn't sound like a woman of integrity.  I'd take a pass on this if I were you.  She's the type of woman who will hurt you and then you'll have to see her at the workplace which will be extremely awkward for you.  Best to err on the side of caution.  Beware. 

[smackie9]

omg just ask her out. That's the best way to get answers.