ONS Pregnancy - Paternity results are in. Update

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I’ve also heard that sometimes custody agreements contain restrictions involving who can be an overnight guest/interact with the child etc but not sure if you two have such an agreement. 

I was told by my attorney that such a clause is 100% unenforceable unless one of the parents was involved with someone who has a criminal record (specific crimes only). 

My former husband had a clause put in that said I could not move out of a certain part of the county with our child and again, my attorney said it was completely unenforceable. Legally there is nothing that forbids cohabitation, moving out of state, dating, overnights, etc. 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My former husband had a clause put in that said I could not move out of a certain part of the county with our child and again, my attorney said it was completely unenforceable.

Its strictly forbidden in our law by default. You cant even take the kid to vacation to foreign country if you have a joint custody, unless you have a written agreement from other parent. Otherwise you can get sued for kidnapping. 

I have an acquaintance who separated with his ex shortly after their kid was born. Anyway, she wanted to go to other country to work. So he made her sign full custody to him if she wanted to do that. Because otherwise if she took the kid also, she could get sued.  Arguably, aside of financially, the kid is better with him then with a golddigger mom. And she still hears with the kid and even see her when she is in a country. But anyway, unless you have a full custody, you really cant move away with the kid.

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I was told by my attorney that such a clause is 100% unenforceable unless one of the parents was involved with someone who has a criminal record (specific crimes only). 

My former husband had a clause put in that said I could not move out of a certain part of the county with our child and again, my attorney said it was completely unenforceable. Legally there is nothing that forbids cohabitation, moving out of state, dating, overnights, etc. 

I wasn't referring to what I know legally- no knowledge -just what I heard anecdotally. I'm not even sure if the OP has any custody agreement (if I missed that, sorry!).  Never was trying to debate or express any formal knowledge.  

I'm glad your attorney was so helpful in this regard!

[boltnrun]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its strictly forbidden in our law by default. You cant even take the kid to vacation to foreign country if you have a joint custody, unless you have a written agreement from other parent. Otherwise you can get sued for kidnapping. 

It's different in the US. Of course it also differs from state to state. Unrelated example, my state is a "no fault" divorce state but my dear friend who lives in a different state had to state a reason why she was filing for divorce (in her case it sadly was infidelity committed by her husband). 

**ETA, I meant in cases where a custody agreement hasn't been filed or finalized. Of course in joint legal and physical custody cases both parents would have to agree with relocation.

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not even sure if the OP has any custody agreement

I understood he does not have a formal agreement but I could be completely wrong about that.

@RKO, do you and your child's mother have a formal custody or visitation agreement filed in court? If not, I strongly recommend starting that process so that seeing your child isn't subject to her whim or mood. 

[RKO]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It's different in the US. Of course it also differs from state to state. Unrelated example, my state is a "no fault" divorce state but my dear friend who lives in a different state had to state a reason why she was filing for divorce (in her case it sadly was infidelity committed by her husband). 

**ETA, I meant in cases where a custody agreement hasn't been filed or finalized. Of course in joint legal and physical custody cases both parents would have to agree with relocation.

I understood he does not have a formal agreement but I could be completely wrong about that.

@RKO, do you and your child's mother have a formal custody or visitation agreement filed in court? If not, I strongly recommend starting that process so that seeing your child isn't subject to her whim or mood. 

Interesting you should ask, we don’t have anything official, we are just going without that, im paying the right amount of support according to the government calculator, slightly more infact and I am on his birth certificate which gives me 50% say but after yesterdays news even more came.

Baby mother said next year she will be going back to work and will need an extra £500 off me per month to cover nursery fees. I politely said that’s what child support is to go towards (legally in uk that’s “all” you have to pay and no way could I afford that, I’d be homeless within a week, however I said I can have my son 2 days a week as my work is flexible so will reduce nursery fees and we can see then what the price is… she refused point blank, said to forget it she will deal with it and no longer my concern, she said that he needs an education (he will be 9 months old by the time that comes about) She has got a nursery lined up and hasn’t even consulted me to see if I like it for our child and if I agree he should be going there so young.

Im also off work soon for 2 weeks and although she’s given me some dates to have him she won’t allow 2 nights in a row with me, said it’s too much…

Last week she took him to Spain for a week, in the crazy heatwave they are experiencing, with her new boyfriend, she told me they were going (didn’t mention the new bf)but didn’t ask for permission, technically I could have called the police and caused all sorts of problems.

so next week I am going for some legal advice, I’ve tip-toed and bent to her every whim, tried to be as understanding and flexible as possible but enough is enough now.

I need a proper routine of seeing him and not when she decides is good for her.

 

he has some Surgery due September and I think she will say I can’t go, she let me visit once on his 1st admission then said she only wanted people who supported her during pregnancy there and she said she didn’t want me to go to a consultation last month. This time I will be going and she can’t/won’t stop me

[Seraphim]

You need a legal agreement . Period. 

[boltnrun]

Please contact a solicitor/lawyer/attorney ASAP. She could move to Australia with him and you would have zero legal recourse or rights. Plus a reasonable amount of child support should be set by the legal system (family court). That way if she blows her savings on vacations with her new beau she can't bully or blackmail you into covering for her overspending.

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please contact a solicitor/lawyer/attorney ASAP. She could move to Australia with him and you would have zero legal recourse or rights. Plus a reasonable amount of child support should be set by the legal system (family court). That way if she blows her savings on vacations with her new beau she can't bully or blackmail you into covering for her overspending.

Going to see one next week 🙂

I’m on birth certificate so thankfully here in uk that immediately gives me 50% say on everything now due to a recent change in law.

The child support I give has been worked out by our government calculator 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, RKO said:

Going to see one next week 🙂

I’m on birth certificate so thankfully here in uk that immediately gives me 50% say on everything now due to a recent change in law.

The child support I give has been worked out by our government calculator 

It's just a safety net in case she tries to pull a fast one on you. If she does and there's a legal custody and support agreement she could get into trouble. Plus visitation seems to currently be at her whim, so a set visitation schedule would benefit you and your child. 

[RKO]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's just a safety net in case she tries to pull a fast one on you. If she does and there's a legal custody and support agreement she could get into trouble. Plus visitation seems to currently be at her whim, so a set visitation schedule would benefit you and your child. 

Totally agree with visits, tbf if I ask to have him on a certain day she would say yes but 99.9% it’s her telling me when to have him.

id love a set routine so I can plan things in my own personal life and I think wpuld be much more beneficial and good for my son too 

[RKO]

Hello everyone.

just an update here really and just me scanning to see if anyone’s in similar position on here and needs support.

it’s crazy to believe the situation started just over a years ago, 1 year and a month to be precise. I still almost daily think back to this time last year, the depth of despair I was in, thinking my life was over, not knowing what to do, not knowing if I’d ever find out if the baby was mine or not. 
 

im so thankful everything worked out, a year on I feel blessed and so lucky to have my son in my life. Obviously things have changed massively in my life but I wouldn’t change anything for the world, even if I could go back to that night and not sleep with her, change the outcome, I wouldn’t. He’s my world. Forever.

Thinags have improved with his mother, we are civil, she’s mindful of me seeing him every week and have sleepovers, we plan ahead, have sorted Christmas arrangements already. I still feel she holds a grudge against me for wanting the paternity and not budging on that, again another thing I wouldn’t change.

I feel it’s only her that holds this grudge, when dropping baby off I have met her mum and dad there, both have been lovely with me and pleasant, her sister too.

Hopefully in time she will warm more as I’m still being left out of some key decisions 

[Batya33]

Thanks so much for the update and enjoy your son!  I'm glad things are improving with the mom.

[boltnrun]

Is she angry because she feels you were implying you were not the father and that she slept around with other men (which, let's be real, you were, however you have turned 180 degrees from that presumption)? Would she have preferred the child be fatherless? 

As the child of a deadbeat "dad" from age 10 onward I can tell you it definitely impacts a child to not have access to their father. It's a blessing you are not only stepping up but enjoying fatherhood and you love your son.

How is his health?

[RKO]

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Is she angry because she feels you were implying you were not the father and that she slept around with other men (which, let's be real, you were, however you have turned 180 degrees from that presumption)? Would she have preferred the child be fatherless? 

As the child of a deadbeat "dad" from age 10 onward I can tell you it definitely impacts a child to not have access to their father. It's a blessing you are not only stepping up but enjoying fatherhood and you love your son.

How is his health?

She was sleeping with other men, at least one. That’s never been up for discussion and I’ve not turned 180 on it as it’s a fact. She had sex with another man around the time we conceived.

I’m presuming the anger is coming from me just not taking her word that he was mine on it and therefore not being there for her during her pregnancy. Doing the test she said she completely understood why I wanted it, her mood instantly changed towards me when the results came back he was mine. Almost like she couldn’t be 100% sure I was the father so couldn’t go in hard on me until results came back.

Anyway, I think she’s now realising, without blowing my trumpet, that I’m a good father, always going to be there for him and totally worship him. She’s also seen the welcome and big smiles he gives when he gets dropped off/picked up. The bond is there.

His health continues to improve thank you, he’s had the 1st of his surgeries which was a success. The next one will be more intrusive but surgeon’s confident it’s going to be a success.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

Anyway, I think she’s now realising, without blowing my trumpet, that I’m a good father, always going to be there for him and totally worship him.

[Batya33]

I think your son has two good parents who want the best for him and best of luck with the surgery.  I say parents because in this sort of situation so much is made of "father" because you were not trying to conceive/become a father affirmatively so somehow the expectations on "father" are distignuished from parents.  You are both parents and you both are contributing with the only biological difference that she knew she was the mother and in the circumstances you had to confirm paternity.  But once confirmed it you will be a good parent without any different standard just because you're the dad.  Sorry if word salad -I get tired of dads being given a different standard like "oh he "helped" with a diaper he's such a good dad!!" (My husband is a good parent).  I can tell you're a good parent and you don't care that you're not the primary caregiver, you're not the one who knew from the first you were the parent.  Good for you!

(Oh and it's ok not to worship him every second -he won't worship you every second either.... it's all good 😉

[RKO]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think your son has two good parents who want the best for him and best of luck with the surgery.  I say parents because in this sort of situation so much is made of "father" because you were not trying to conceive/become a father affirmatively so somehow the expectations on "father" are distignuished from parents.  You are both parents and you both are contributing with the only biological difference that she knew she was the mother and in the circumstances you had to confirm paternity.  But once confirmed it you will be a good parent without any different standard just because you're the dad.  Sorry if word salad -I get tired of dads being given a different standard like "oh he "helped" with a diaper he's such a good dad!!" (My husband is a good parent).  I can tell you're a good parent and you don't care that you're not the primary caregiver, you're not the one who knew from the first you were the parent.  Good for you!

(Oh and it's ok not to worship him every second -he won't worship you every second either.... it's all good 😉

Hahaha agree about the worship, a 3am dirty nappy change and need for a bath because of it certainly made me question that for a nano-second, then he flashed me that smile of his and all was well with the world again.

Thank you for your kind words

[Seraphim]

11 minutes ago, RKO said:

Hahaha agree about the worship, a 3am dirty nappy change and need for a bath because of it certainly made me question that for a nano-second, then he flashed me that smile of his and all was well with the world again.

Thank you for your kind words

Hahaha there will be many things that make you question why you did this for a nano second. My son is 26 today and there are days I could have run away. 🤣

 

I am so glad you are happy being a dad. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

Hahaha agree about the worship, a 3am dirty nappy change and need for a bath because of it certainly made me question that for a nano-second, then he flashed me that smile of his and all was well with the world again.

Thank you for your kind words

Exactly !  So many examples but the worship mindset resumes. Rather quickly. But I still said NO WAY to my son’s request this morning for $14 “natural “ deodorant. Shockingly my husband says he agrees wholeheartedly lol (sarcastic- would be a hard no from him too!).  His armpits can be worshipped by normal deodorant. 

[boltnrun]

Antiperspirant is actually really unhealthy (aluminum) but it prevents sweating while deodorant makes your sweat smell pretty but doesn't prevent sweating. I don't get why it's so much more expensive except that people are willing to pay more. 

I don't "worship" my kids. I adore them more than anything in the world, of course. They mean everything to me. But I don't use the word "worship" which implies infallible beings. They are not infallible lol. And neither am I of course!

I hope the next surgery is also successful and he has a full and quick recovery. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Antiperspirant is actually really unhealthy (aluminum) but it prevents sweating while deodorant makes your sweat smell pretty but doesn't prevent sweating. I don't get why it's so much more expensive except that people are willing to pay more. 

I don't "worship" my kids. I adore them more than anything in the world, of course. They mean everything to me. But I don't use the word "worship" which implies infallible beings. They are not infallible lol. And neither am I of course!

I hope the next surgery is also successful and he has a full and quick recovery. 

Yes I am familiar with that and all the other natural products etc -been knowing all about it for decades because of my interest but moreso my older sister's focus on natural products starting in the 70s - I have a more balanced approach and $$ is one of many factors - and I really do appreciate the input!

I never saw my kid as infalllible.  Worship though -to me just referred to the bowled over intensity I felt and feel at times.

[RKO]

Hi all, hope all good, all things good here.

Although I am a tad confused about something that’s been growing inside me for a while, something I’ve tried to ignore, something I’m not sure if I’m only feeling because she’s the mother of my child, but I think I have developed feelings for baby mother, romantic feelings. I dont know what to do.

[Seraphim]

She is with someone correct ? 

[RKO]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She is with someone correct ? 

I don’t think they are together anymore, I don’t know 100% but get the feeling they aren’t 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, RKO said:

Hi all, hope all good, all things good here.

Although I am a tad confused about something that’s been growing inside me for a while, something I’ve tried to ignore, something I’m not sure if I’m only feeling because she’s the mother of my child, but I think I have developed feelings for baby mother, romantic feelings. I dont know what to do.

So this could be awesome if she feels the same way but .... maybe tread lightly since you don't want any negative impact on your relationship with your child?