Can I get some advice on dating a male INTP (30)?

[elleoli28]

I am a female INFJ and I asked this guy out for coffee about a month ago and he said that he was busy because a friend was coming over to spend the weekend. He’d already shown interest before, but the next time we talked, he asked me if I had plans that afternoon and I said I had to work. After that he also started to show some interest by asking me questions and approaching me more often and he’s been very smiley since then, but he hasn't made a clear move either.

I'm told that INTPs are very logical and take things very literally, but also overthink everything. For me it's much easier to be direct with a person because I'm not great at flirting and I'm hard to read so I don't show my feelings until I open up. I think we have chemistry and I’d like to explore that but it's hard to get together and have a proper conversation so I’m considering asking him out again more directly this time and make my intentions clear. Would that be a good move? Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, elleoli28 said:

,he asked me if I had plans that afternoon and I said I had to work. 

How do you know him? Do you work or go to school together? Make a counteroffer after  saying you were busy,so he knows you're still interested.

[Andrina]

In my experience, guys like this like the ego boost of a woman having a crush on them, and might act like they're interested, but just aren't into you enough to ask you out.

For myself, I know if I had interest in someone who I had to turn down because of alternate plans, I'd definitely counter-offer with another day as a possibility.

He's not shy and asking you questions, but an entire month has passed by with nothing more than chatting happening.

In your shoes, I'd not ask him again and start directing emotional energy on someone who shares an equal interest. If you want to direct the conversation toward a last ditch effort for him to suggest something, then ask him if he's doing anything fun on the upcoming weekend. Or, you can tell him you're going to try some new coffee shop or smoothie place, and ask him if he'd like to join you. Just know if he says no or comes up with another excuse, if it's the case where you regularly have to see him at college or work or wherever it is you come in contact with him, it might be awkward for a while. If the answer is no, or you don't want to double-ask for coffee, it's best to mentally move on. Don't let him play around with you by throwing you bread crumbs just because he likes a fan. If that's the case, lose each others numbers.

[Batya33]

Toss aside labels and generalizing.  My husband was exceedingly shy when we first met in the 1990s and worked together.  Took him 8 months and seeing me 3 times at work events to get up the courage to ask me to lunch. I chatted with him and was approachable and friendly.  He chose me over fear.  This is typical.  Putting aside labels here's a good common sense notion -people move towards pleasure and away from pain. 

For example I'm really social but because of the pandemic getting back into socializing was hard, requires more effort, involved some fear of feeing awkward/getting sick.  But when I was given the opportunity to see two couples I hadn't seen in years who I liked so much while we were visiting their city over Thanksgiving I put aside my fears and I showed up and made it easy to make the plan. 

That's because I really like them, wanted to see them in person and this was more important to me than my awkward feelings, and fears of getting sick. It's really that simple.  This guy most likely is just not that into you.  I'm sorry. Also if you were really into him you'd have asked to reschedule when he asked you and you weren't available.  I think perhaps you were put off by his initial declining?

I would not be "more direct" -if you want to give this one more chance I mean sure -simply ask him to have lunch or take a walk and if he doesn't respond with enthusiasm you have your answer.  No need to hit him over the head with your level of interest.  

[elleoli28]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also if you were really into him you'd have asked to reschedule when he asked you and you weren't available.  I think perhaps you were put off by his initial declining?

Well, that's exactly what I meant by 'hard to read', I've become aware that I freeze and I don't behave according to how I feel and end up giving the wrong impression, so he might have doubts about my interest too. After all, I just asked if he wanted to get coffee...

[Kwothe28]

My thoughts are that if somebody really wants to see you they will make time. Or will make an alternate time. For example, if you call somebody for a date if they want to go out with you, they will either confirm the date and time or if they are not OK offer some alternative. If they dont want to date you, they will just say "No" or in most cases just offer excuses ("Oh I cant go this weekend, maybe some other time" etc). 

Anyway, your guy offered just that, an excuse. Or even worst told you that he is entertaining some other woman for a weekend("a friend" lol). If he was serious about you, he wouldnt pass on the chance to go out with you. So I think his level of interest is just low, sorry. I wouldnt ask him a second time or include psychology personality test into analysis of him. If he wants to date you he can ask. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, elleoli28 said:

Well, that's exactly what I meant by 'hard to read', I've become aware that I freeze and I don't behave according to how I feel and end up giving the wrong impression, so he might have doubts about my interest too. After all, I just asked if he wanted to get coffee...

Right and when a woman especially asks a man that it screams interest- like loud and clear - vice versa I could see possibly the woman thinking just friends.  

You can practice your social skills if you want to date - in general that's what I would do.  You can choose not to freeze even if it takes rehearsing.  I've had to do that for stressful interviews/professional situations. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  Be direct in a very respectful, kind, well mannered way; not blunt.  No sense playing mind games. 

[smackie9]

He knows you are interested. Sure go ahead and ask him.