Social pressure, loneliness and fear

[Chaeryoung]

Hello everyone. 

I had my share of posts here, but I guess this topic is the most important. 

Brief description of myself: So I am a 26 year old female, graduated, trying to build a life for myself, attractive (most people would say above average), but unfortunately deeply affected by traumatic experiences with my parents that haunted me up throughout my early adult years. 

With time and some failed relationships, I took the time to self reflect and learn more about myself and this self-awareness helps. I cannot afford therapy, but I am trying my best to do what I can with the resources I have at my disposal. 

My current cause of anxiety is, however, age-related. Although I know that I am still young, I feel so directionless and also, so alone. I lost the most precious relationships, I don't have true friends and I became used to spending time with myself. Yet there is a hurt that doesn't go away. I need quality human interaction and I find it one of the most difficult tasks, to find people that I like and that would like me in return. 

Another major fear is that I will end up alone. Spending my days without a human being next to me to share the good and the bad stuff with. Someone that would support me and whom I would support in return. I fear (as I see is the case with other women as well), that I am running out of time, although, I must say, I don't want children, there isn't this kind of urgency from this PoV), I just want to meet a compatible person. But I am afraid (please don't judge), that my looks are fading, and that it is going to be way harder to find someone. 

Dating apps ended up being a huge disappointment. What I see there is plain superficiality, and this growing trend of treating people as commodities just depresses me. 

Any words of wisdom for myself? 

Would be much appreciated. Thank you. 

[smackie9]

Just think about how people met before online dating....they went out and socialized. Doesn't have to be a bar or a club, but through hobbies/interests. What do you do with friends? 

[Batya33]

You won't be alone and you are not alone just because you don't have a romantic partner.  That kind of dramatic thinking isn't helpful and there are no guarantees of finding a partner.  And remember if your looks change -wrinkles/age spots etc - will you worry about your partner leaving you? If not then what's the worry now? What I will say -I am 56 - I do not agree that gaining weight/looking out of shape has to be part of aging.  It's not for me.  And I'm through menopause.  I weigh less than I did in my 20s and 30s and I had a baby at age 42.  So as far as looking physically fit and healthy I don't see that as an age thing at all. 

I think it's way harder to find a romantic partner if you are a person who is negative/bitter -even if that just comes across in your posture or vibes/energy.  Sometimes older people get jaded is what I mean.  They "act" old -meanin in the negative sense -and that's the issue.  That's a turn off IMO.  I married at 42 so I certainly took the long way around and my husband and I are the same age- first marriage for both.  I had to become the right person to find the right person.  

I found bars superficial too.  I used dating sites for years - not apps though.  I met over 100 men in person and most were good people!  Maybe try different sites?  Plus of course share what social activities you do to meet people.  Or volunteer work? (I recommend volunteering backstage at community theater).  

 

[Chaeryoung]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You won't be alone and you are not alone just because you don't have a romantic partner.  That kind of dramatic thinking isn't helpful and there are no guarantees of finding a partner.  And remember if your looks change -wrinkles/age spots etc - will you worry about your partner leaving you? If not then what's the worry now? What I will say -I am 56 - I do not agree that gaining weight/looking out of shape has to be part of aging.  It's not for me.  And I'm through menopause.  I weigh less than I did in my 20s and 30s and I had a baby at age 42.  So as far as looking physically fit and healthy I don't see that as an age thing at all. 

I think it's way harder to find a romantic partner if you are a person who is negative/bitter -even if that just comes across in your posture or vibes/energy.  Sometimes older people get jaded is what I mean.  They "act" old -meanin in the negative sense -and that's the issue.  That's a turn off IMO.  I married at 42 so I certainly took the long way around and my husband and I are the same age- first marriage for both.  I had to become the right person to find the right person.  

I found bars superficial too.  I used dating sites for years - not apps though.  I met over 100 men in person and most were good people!  Maybe try different sites?  Plus of course share what social activities you do to meet people.  Or volunteer work? (I recommend volunteering backstage at community theater).  

 

Thank you for your words, Batya. Yes, I am quite bitter and frustrated and I find it so hard to be more positive after many disappointments. I am demoralized and my hopes are slowly fading away. It is really difficult to rise above this desperate state. 😞

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

Thank you for your words, Batya. Yes, I am quite bitter and frustrated and I find it so hard to be more positive after many disappointments. I am demoralized and my hopes are slowly fading away. It is really difficult to rise above this desperate state. 😞

I would stop the "try to be positive."  Doesn't work. A healthy outlook is not a state of being like "being" thirsty because you're hiking and forgot your water bottle at the last pit stop-  -it's choices and reactions.   I mean many people have many disappointments all day every day and some choose to react one way, others another way. 

But the choice of reaction comes from how you live your life generally -at least, it helps.  What I suggest is let yourself have a pity party daily for around 5 minutes where you label yourself as "demoralized" and "in a desperate state." Indulge in the dramatic "I must rise above this desperate state" -I don't advise trying to levitate and I don't advise referring to social media memes to "rise above."  There's no need to rise above anything.

Otherwise, choose to live your life in ways that reflect taking reasonable care of your physical and mental health, and choose to do small and large kindnesses to friends, strangers, waitstaff, barristas, your seatmate on a public bus, whatever - daily.  

Everyone has struggles and many have to do with finding the right person despite no guarantees.  One of my friends found the right person -he met one of my best friends on match.com.  They got engaged around a year later.  Late 20s/early 30s.  Before the wedding my dear friend was diagnosed with late stage cancer.  The rest of their engagement and 2 year marriage was him being her hero, taking care of her till she died. 

He told me he really didn't know if he'd ever marry again, etc.  I mean -talk about desperate state -right? But he refused to choose living a life in a desperate state.  He forced himself to take care of himself, work hard at his career, get out there and socialize despite being introverted. 

He didn't rely ever on "being" positive -he got up every day and did stuff to build up a good and reasonable life that included being productive and taking care of himself and others.   He met his second wife a few years later at a singles event. They've been married many years, 3 kids.  

I don't mean to downplay your negative experiences and I think therapy is great for those who need to deal with experiences if that is what is needed-of course.  It's not about being.  It's about doing. 

What are you going to do today that reflects living a life of moving on, moving forward, making a contribution, taking reasonable care of yourself? Can you hydrate more? Move your body more? Take space from someone who treats you less than respectfully and thoughtfully? Be an even better listener to someone who wants to share an issue they are having or a really fun story where you really listen and ask good follow up questions so the person feels listened to and connected?

What are you going to do aside from the pity party of passively being in a desperate state because you've had dating disappointments? I dated 24 years on and off before I found my husband.  I know I get it I was in the front lines so to speak for years. It can really be awful.  I get it.  I wouldn't be married if I indulged in wishing I could "be" positive or "trying" to be positive.  My life can't run on cliches -it would be easier that way but not as rewarding.  JMHO and good luck.

[Chaeryoung]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would stop the "try to be positive."  Doesn't work. A healthy outlook is not a state of being like "being" thirsty because you're hiking and forgot your water bottle at the last pit stop-  -it's choices and reactions.   I mean many people have many disappointments all day every day and some choose to react one way, others another way. 

But the choice of reaction comes from how you live your life generally -at least, it helps.  What I suggest is let yourself have a pity party daily for around 5 minutes where you label yourself as "demoralized" and "in a desperate state." Indulge in the dramatic "I must rise above this desperate state" -I don't advise trying to levitate and I don't advise referring to social media memes to "rise above."  There's no need to rise above anything.

Otherwise, choose to live your life in ways that reflect taking reasonable care of your physical and mental health, and choose to do small and large kindnesses to friends, strangers, waitstaff, barristas, your seatmate on a public bus, whatever - daily.  

Everyone has struggles and many have to do with finding the right person despite no guarantees.  One of my friends found the right person -he met one of my best friends on match.com.  They got engaged around a year later.  Late 20s/early 30s.  Before the wedding my dear friend was diagnosed with late stage cancer.  The rest of their engagement and 2 year marriage was him being her hero, taking care of her till she died. 

He told me he really didn't know if he'd ever marry again, etc.  I mean -talk about desperate state -right? But he refused to choose living a life in a desperate state.  He forced himself to take care of himself, work hard at his career, get out there and socialize despite being introverted. 

He didn't rely ever on "being" positive -he got up every day and did stuff to build up a good and reasonable life that included being productive and taking care of himself and others.   He met his second wife a few years later at a singles event. They've been married many years, 3 kids.  

I don't mean to downplay your negative experiences and I think therapy is great for those who need to deal with experiences if that is what is needed-of course.  It's not about being.  It's about doing. 

What are you going to do today that reflects living a life of moving on, moving forward, making a contribution, taking reasonable care of yourself? Can you hydrate more? Move your body more? Take space from someone who treats you less than respectfully and thoughtfully? Be an even better listener to someone who wants to share an issue they are having or a really fun story where you really listen and ask good follow up questions so the person feels listened to and connected?

What are you going to do aside from the pity party of passively being in a desperate state because you've had dating disappointments? I dated 24 years on and off before I found my husband.  I know I get it I was in the front lines so to speak for years. It can really be awful.  I get it.  I wouldn't be married if I indulged in wishing I could "be" positive or "trying" to be positive.  My life can't run on cliches -it would be easier that way but not as rewarding.  JMHO and good luck.

Thank you for taking the time to offer your perspective. I will try to put your advice into practice. I agree that indulging into a negative mindset really takes one nowhere. Also, thank you for the life stories you shared. It really helps hearing other people's experiences. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Thank you for taking the time to offer your perspective. I will try to put your advice into practice. I agree that indulging into a negative mindset really takes one nowhere. Also, thank you for the life stories you shared. It really helps hearing other people's experiences. 

Oh I'm so glad and thanks for listening. I miss my dearest friend (and she's my cousin too!) still so much 18 years later.  If she were alive she'd tell you stories about how awful her dating life was till she met her future husband. One thing she used to say about meeting men through dating sites and blind dates "you know if you even sneeze wrong they don't want to see you again" 😉  And yet her future husband -maybe they'd gone out 4 times -she told him she was getting a manicure that day.  He called the place to pay for it in advance.  

[Kwothe28]

18 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

I cannot afford therapy

As far a I know, in countries like mine and yours, unlike America, healthcare is free. So, what do you mean by "you cant afford therapy"?

Also, you are 26. You still have time to find yourself about career, family, anything you want. Its fine to feel lost, not everyone got it all figured out at 26. But you need to work on it. You want to hang out with people more? Then organize yourself in that way. Start attending social gatherings you are interested. Meet more people. Spend your time more with them. Maybe some of them would be a suitable match. 

When I was younger, I was far from extrovert. But still hang out with a lot of people. I had different crowds for a lot of stuff, social games group, watching sports group, group of friends that I go out with etc. Over the years lots of it fizzled out as life later gets in the way. But when you are younger, you can balance quite a lot. So, some of them sticked even now. 

[Morello]

The reality is that most people DO NOT have their lives sorted at 26, in more ways than you can imagine, and even if they seem like they have.

I think I only started to think I knew what I really wanted in life after my 30s. I only found my "right" career path and my first long term relationship after that. Some people just take longer than others. That is fine. Lots of friendships also come and go, and there are some drier times than others. This is also normal and fine.

Now that doesn't mean you shouldn't change anything; I believe having a mindset of becoming better socially, emotionally, and socially over time is a great thing. Just accept that it's not linear - some days, weeks, and years will be better than others.

Having said that, do look into alternative ways to get councelling, as there might be some cheaper options, online, etc. Some psychologists also offer cheaper prices for those who can't afford the full fees. Also look into councelling options provided by your workplace, university, community, etc. Videos and books are great, but there's something that only TALKING to a professional can do.

Finally, I'd talk to your family/general medical practitioner and investigate whether you'd benefit from a mental health treatment plan, if they find your symptoms are consistent with that. Again, more normal and common (and helpful) than you can imagine.

Wishing you all the best from here!

[reinventmyself]

I'll apologize up front because I don't know your financial situation, but a wise therapist once said to me:

'Therapy is scary and challenging and for someone who's never gone through it, they often resist it.  It's funny how people can justify financing that new couch, or a trip to Cancun. There always seems to money for that.  But when it comes to bettering themselves or even saving a marriage, there is often not enough money for that'

Personally, I can't think of better investment. .than yourself.

How would you feel to have that support to unravel what it is you are currently going through and find some direction?

[Andrina]

The best way to feel better is to help those less fortunate. I read a story of a woman with terminal cancer. To get herself out of wallowing on her fate, she'd regularly buy a bunch of flowers and hand them out to people on a busy street. Seeing them smile and having them thank her made her happy.

So try volunteer work. And also, having a goal of forming instant friendships is unrealistic, so it's a better mindset to just think about getting yourself out into the world to enjoy life. Think of social interaction, even if it doesn't lead to forming fast friends, as enjoyable. Such as just being around people to do fun things: dance lessons, cooking classes, book discussion groups, environmental cleanups, painting classes.

Because sometimes friendships takes years to form. Of course, sometimes people just click and a friendship forms faster, which would be a pleasant surprise.

And then when you're out enjoying life, you're more likely to attract a love interest.

Of course a bad past affects you, but it doesn't define you. There are those who let those ugly pasts hang around their necks like a scratchy dried up husk. Therapy can be great in helping you to remove useless cargo, but there are also books you can read on this subject. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Chaeryoung]

On 3/3/2023 at 4:53 PM, Andrina said:

The best way to feel better is to help those less fortunate. I read a story of a woman with terminal cancer. To get herself out of wallowing on her fate, she'd regularly buy a bunch of flowers and hand them out to people on a busy street. Seeing them smile and having them thank her made her happy.

So try volunteer work. And also, having a goal of forming instant friendships is unrealistic, so it's a better mindset to just think about getting yourself out into the world to enjoy life. Think of social interaction, even if it doesn't lead to forming fast friends, as enjoyable. Such as just being around people to do fun things: dance lessons, cooking classes, book discussion groups, environmental cleanups, painting classes.

Because sometimes friendships takes years to form. Of course, sometimes people just click and a friendship forms faster, which would be a pleasant surprise.

And then when you're out enjoying life, you're more likely to attract a love interest.

Of course a bad past affects you, but it doesn't define you. There are those who let those ugly pasts hang around their necks like a scratchy dried up husk. Therapy can be great in helping you to remove useless cargo, but there are also books you can read on this subject. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thank you for your words! 😊

[Chaeryoung]

On 3/3/2023 at 1:33 AM, Morello said:

The reality is that most people DO NOT have their lives sorted at 26, in more ways than you can imagine, and even if they seem like they have.

I think I only started to think I knew what I really wanted in life after my 30s. I only found my "right" career path and my first long term relationship after that. Some people just take longer than others. That is fine. Lots of friendships also come and go, and there are some drier times than others. This is also normal and fine.

Now that doesn't mean you shouldn't change anything; I believe having a mindset of becoming better socially, emotionally, and socially over time is a great thing. Just accept that it's not linear - some days, weeks, and years will be better than others.

Having said that, do look into alternative ways to get councelling, as there might be some cheaper options, online, etc. Some psychologists also offer cheaper prices for those who can't afford the full fees. Also look into councelling options provided by your workplace, university, community, etc. Videos and books are great, but there's something that only TALKING to a professional can do.

Finally, I'd talk to your family/general medical practitioner and investigate whether you'd benefit from a mental health treatment plan, if they find your symptoms are consistent with that. Again, more normal and common (and helpful) than you can imagine.

Wishing you all the best from here!

Thank you 😊