I need advice on how to stay motivated in dating when every guy I've liked has ended things with me

[Larissa1443]

Go on multiple first dates, sometimes second dates, text endlessly and the person never makes an actual effort to plan anything with you in person but doesn't stop talking to you either, gets to third date, gets ghosted. But then there's these few rare times where it actually leads to something that lasts a bit more than a month.

First relationship the guy had no respect for me, would literally scroll on Instagram while laying beside me looking at other girls and liking their pictures as if I wasn't even there and would tell me I have "insecurity issues". He was 28.

Second one, guy had different thoughts and values then me, I tried to end it but he convinced me I got it all wrong and he wanted to keep trying. I gave in only for a month down the line have him abuse me and criticize everything that I say, eat, wear and do because I'm a "stupid vegan that dresses like a *** and has too much of liberal mentality and am not racist enough." Also, said women should earn less then men but would make me pay 50/50 on everything. This guy was 33yo. It was literal hell trying to get out as I had this fantasy in my head of what could've been and it was during covid lockdown which made everything more scary and lonely. 

Third guy, instant connection, amazing communication, lots of chemistry, even asked me to be his girlfriend but he was moving in with a girl housemate which was his friend and he had a previous crush on. Ended it after two months together basically saying I have to be ok with them hanging out alone on a Friday night and that I'm not welcome to be a part of it. No care for what I wanted and MY feelings and needs whatsoever. He was 29.

Fourth guy I made a couple of posts about him, met on hinge, went on a date, second, third... super fun and nice, on the fourth I just asked him what he wanted out of this, he said he wanted a relationship but not sure if with me and he joked saying that I'm pushing it, to "just relax" and that I'd never meet him mom ("""As a joke""""), on the sixth date he cooked for me and I asked him to see him more often than just a few hours a week, he told me he couldn't but wanted to keep hanging, proceeded to have sex with me, sleep, have sex in the morning and make me breakfast and THEN end it. Cried, said I'm the first girl in years he takes out on multiple dates and all but told me he just doesn't have time for me and realized he doesn't want a relationship and proceeded to say after a few days that he's ok while I was still crying everyday and missing him. This man is 30. 

Life has showed me, multiple times, that when I put myself out there, it either leads to no second date, ghosting, no chemistry from both sides, when chemistry and connection happen, they end it with me over issues that could be talked through because they want sex and a companionship but not the commitment (just pay for a SW?).

Like yeah, I've seen people get hurt a few times, maybe four or five and then find their person. But I have literally been on so many dates these past 3 years of being single, it can't be normal. Like surely there is someone who will want the same things I do and will like me the same intensity I like them or at least be willing to work on them? All of these have happened in a span of 6 to 6 months as it seems it's the time I take to properly heal and open myself to someone else. I'm 29yo by the way. 

All of these men were over the age of 28, you'd expect them to know that relationships take work and no, you won't find a "ready made" girl for you, you have to sift through discomfort and understand people are different. The last guy for example, we didn't even have any issues whatsoever, he simply dumped me when I asked for more time. I'm still very much heartbroken.

People will be saying I have to be grateful for these lessons and moments. I am sure as hell not grateful for these four relationships, in fact if I could go back in time and NOT have lived them, I would. All it brought me was pain and waste of time. Am I supposed to settle with a guy I have "meh" feelings for just because he's nice and wants to be with me? I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I'm aware people have flaws and I am here for all of it. I'm not expecting a prince charming but I want to at least FEEL something for them. I want to feel the feelings not just settle for a nice guy just for the sake of it. Also, it's not like even these nice guys show up very often either or that I'm "going after emotionally unavailable men". It's more like, I meet a person, we click, we hang out and that's it. I'm not actively looking for people with red flags or anything. I don't have a menu of men at my display for me to choose from, I end up """choosing""" the ones I have chemistry and connection with and try to get to know me but end up discarding me after a month or so. 

[Jaunty]

40 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

People will be saying I have to be grateful for these lessons and moments. I am sure as hell not grateful for these four relationships, in fact if I could go back in time and NOT have lived them, I would.

This person sure won't say that.

Your problem, oversimplified, is that you have a "bad picker."  Every one of those situations provided you with early and solid information about exactly what you were signing up for.

Yet - you sign up.  And live the reality.

It's probably a self esteem issue.  You don't believe that anybody worthwhile will care for you, so you select men who other women won't touch, once they see their true colors.

I read your thread about the last guy and I can tell you with confidence that once you get some help with building some self esteem and boundaries,  you will NOT be able to believe you put up with that garbage.

Get some help.   We're rooting for you!

 

[Larissa1443]

28 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 

Get some help.   We're rooting for you!

 

Yes, I am in therapy at the moment, have even decided to do more sessions during the month as I feel like I'm constantly going on a loop here. 

I don't even talk to friends anymore except for one or two who understand me, but the rest is just sort of like "aw be grateful it happened, don't be sad, be thankful for the lessons learned". Nah, I'm not grateful AT ALL. I can say this with confidence about all of my previous relationships. All it did was show me that no matter how loving, caring, understanding, supportive, bad ass friend and lover you are, the moment you voice your needs, it's over. The moment you show an ounce of personality and aren't a quiet submissive girl, it's done. What's there to be grateful for exactly? It's frustrating and I feel very alone feeling these feelings. 

[Tinydance]

35 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This person sure won't say that.

Your problem, oversimplified, is that you have a "bad picker."  Every one of those situations provided you with early and solid information about exactly what you were signing up for.

Yet - you sign up.  And live the reality.

It's probably a self esteem issue.  You don't believe that anybody worthwhile will care for you, so you select men who other women won't touch, once they see their true colors.

I read your thread about the last guy and I can tell you with confidence that once you get some help with building some self esteem and boundaries,  you will NOT be able to believe you put up with that garbage.

Get some help.   We're rooting for you!

 

Yes I agree with this completely! I've actually had some similar bad experiences and rejections but if I saw any red flags, I usually ended things pretty quickly. There are always going to be jerks out there and the important thing is to get rid of them ASAP. I get a sense from your post that you want a relationship so badly that you put up with this kind of treatment until these drop kick guys dump you themselves. Really it should be you dumping them! You're quite right, they're 28 + years old and are acting rude and immature. 

[Larissa1443]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Really it should be you dumping them! You're quite right, they're 28 + years old and are acting rude and immature. 

The last one I almost dumped him on the fifth date because of the way he spoke to me when I asked what he wanted out of us, but he was all like "aw I'm sorry for upsetting you, I didn't mean it, I really want to get to know you more and hang out more" and I, obviously the hopeless romantic that I am, accepted his apology and decided to give it another shot only for the next week have him end it! 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Your problem, oversimplified, is that you have a "bad picker." 

Bingo. 

You have to work on tihs, Larissa. You stick around even when guys show you red flags. The last guy you dated in your recent threads is the perfect example. It is not about being a hopeless romantic but rather about not having strong boundaries and standards. 

If you get that sorted, you will have a much easier time in your love life because you won't try to make a relationship happen with any old chump that pays attention to you. 

[Kwothe28]

I remember "Friday night date with his crush" story. That was so weird lol

Anyway, I would add

3 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

Also, it's not like even these nice guys show up very often either or that I'm "going after emotionally unavailable men".

This speaks volumes about you. You wont date somebody who treats you nicely. But you picked:

1) the guy who didnt even cared about you on the date

2) abuser "redpiller"(or "blackpiller" I can never get which is which)

3) man who is in love with his friend who putted him in friendzone

4) man who just wanted sex and no commitment

Far from that you should settle with somebody just for being nice. It doesnt work that way. But you deliberately chosed to pursue for the relationship 4 men who just didnt care about you at all. That is on you, not on them. 

I would also reevaluate what "chemistry and connection" means to you. Because I can bet that every single one of them was "hot". And that you based that "connection" on physical attraction. Because none of them even remotely treated you properly. But you still did go for them probably based on physical features. Because they sure as Hell didnt offer anything else when they treated you like dirt. Well I am sorry but, "hot people" have options. So they can afford to message othe people while on a date with you, demand their girlfriend be this and that, have you while they are trying to get on with hot roomate or just use you for sex.

But maybe therapy helps with that too. And make you realize that even though you are wanting the right stuff, you are searching it wrong. Because all those men could be screened within 1-2 dates and you could avoid all that. But you choosed to stay there.

[Larissa1443]

I'd say they weren't necessarily hot. I've hooked up with guys hotter than them, I'd say I was enamoured by them and at the time I found them the best looking guys in the planet, but looking back I'm like.... what?? Really?? haha Obviously they're not UGLY per se, but I sensed a bit of narcissism on all of them. I've been with guys who were at least humble enough to look inward and recognize they have flaws just like everybody else.

But last guy really annoyed me the way he calmly ended things with me as if to say "I don't want a relationship right now" on the peak of his 30th having the confidence to know when he does want one, he'll get one, while I'm here, almost 30 feeling like I'm running against time because I still want kids a family and all that. It honestly terrifies me to think there's a possibility of growing old and alone when one of my dreams is to build my own family and have that taken away from me when everyone else around me gets that. 

But YES, all of you are right. I did have immediate red flags from date one or two (except for housemate guy which only came into picture after two months together, before that he was an absolute angel of a man and I reckon that's what also made it so damn hard to move on). But I could've prevented it by ending it but I ALWAYS want to give people the benefit of the doubt and unfortunately the results are here.  

I usually leave these relationships feeling like an absolute fool. How did I allow them to do that to me for so long? But when I'm IN the relationship, I absolutely do not see that. I'm taking a break from dating and looking inwards for a bit as I can't afford to go through another situation like this. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

, almost 30 feeling like I'm running against time because I still want kids a family and all that. It honestly terrifies me to think there's a possibility of growing old and alone.

It seems like all you need to do is take some pressure off yourself. 

This will put you back in control of better screening and cutting your losses sooner with bad matches.

Try to slow down, step back and stay in observation mode at first, rather than jumping in with both feet too soon and getting hurt.

You could try paid, relationship- oriented  apps to help you with filtering and screening. Then take your time deciding if you're a good match.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't be married now if I'd stuck around as long as you do with the wrong ones for you.  I was with a wrong one in June 2005 -dating for close to 3 months.  Awesome chemistry (no we did not have sex as he was not ready to be exclusively committed to me and was not in love with me -yet).  I was over the moon about him.  Lost sleep over him.  He also was in the entertainment field (although not where he was surrounded in person with people) - and you know -a good person just not right for me.  A good person who also had stopped working on an anger disorder which was triggered not towards me or other people -ever -but towards himself mostly. 

Which I didn't know until 3 months in and two weeks or so after he told me he wasn't yet ready to commit to me but could he have a little more time.  Then I saw his anger issues in full force -against himself.  And I then walked away. 

But you would not have.  My guess.  You would have still been caught up being over the moon and how charming and handsome and you'd have made excuses because he treated me, his friends, strangers - in a pleasant, calm, nice way. 

But since he wasn't ready to be exclusive and I saw that I couldn't live with him choosing to get no more therapy for his anger issues -and then realized hmmmm I think he might also drink too much -secretly (was never drunk around me) - I walked.  It took courage because I chose being on my own instead of being infatuated and hot for this man.

5 weeks later I had a platonic catch up dinner with my long ago ex fiancee.  I was 38 almost 39. My future husband.  I know for sure had I still been caught up with that guy - I'd have either not met him for dinner -had only seen him once in almost 8 years - or I'd have ignored the sparks or ignored them for the most part. 

And I'd have been unavailable when my future husband called to ask me to go to dinner and theater that weekend (as friends!) - so that would have been that. See how it works? I believe that's a huge part of how it works.  I agree with the others.

(I want to add I also walked away in January 2005 from a wonderful man who wasn't right for me after 7 years of on and off - so much unnecessary drama -again - had I not I'd have not been ready to reconnect with my ex fiancee 6 months later, I am fairly certain.)

[Jaunty]

12 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

Yes, I am in therapy at the moment, have even decided to do more sessions during the month as I feel like I'm constantly going on a loop here. 

I'm glad you're in therapy.   Yes, you are in a loop.  You're obviously in a loop in your own mind with your self-talk and behavior.

12 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

I don't even talk to friends anymore except for one or two who understand me, but the rest is just sort of like "aw be grateful it happened, don't be sad, be thankful for the lessons learned".

Forgive me because this is going to be harsh to hear, but your friends are probably fed up with hearing about it.   There is a very long thread on this forum from a woman who has been in a relationship forever with a man who treats her like garbage.   She just wants to recount all the bad things he does and carry on with the whole thing.

You do this with your dating life.  If you continue date a man who sexually abuses you on the first date,  that's really on YOU.  Not the abuse, but continuing to date him.  So when you want to vent about this to your friends, it would be difficult for them to be there for you with any real sympathy, because ... it was a first date, you were not attached yet, and you were all in for more of that.  

12 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

All it did was show me that no matter how loving, caring, understanding, supportive, bad ass friend and lover you are, the moment you voice your needs, it's over. 

Well, that's BS.  If you pick turds,  they will be turds.   Voice your needs or don't, they are who they are.  Guys you picked and allowed full access to your heart and body even when they showed you who they were.

Stop doing that and your horizons will start to look much more bright.  But, you need help and - which will absolutely require you owning your part in this dynamic rather than just blaming it on the men.  They're just being themselves. 

 

[boltnrun]

15 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

super fun and nice

Um, no. He went bareback even though you asked him to wear a condom (although you allowed it because you were afraid of being "annoying") and then did a sex act that you were uncomfortable with but acquiesced anyway. And you ended up having to go for STD testing.  That doesn't sound "super fun and nice" to me.

I'm not trying to shame you but rather point out that you're choosing to continue with these men despite all the evidence in front of you. 

Please don't make the mistake of believing a bad boyfriend is better than no boyfriend at all, because it's just not true. Hold out for a respectful, sincere and honest man. I promise the difference will be night and day. 

[Larissa1443]

I had a long chat with my therapist last night and it was very similar to all that you have advised me here. I felt a certain comfort in knowing that I CAN change this horrible loop and cycle that I'm in. I've noticed physical attraction plays a huge part in how I feel about the person and that clouds my thoughts, especially when it comes to sex as I've had really bad experiences and when I find someone I connect with in bed, it's almost as a love sentence lol. But then again, I know that's not the only important thing in a relationship. 

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And I then walked away. 

But you would not have.  My guess.  You would have still been caught up being over the moon and how charming and handsome and you'd have made excuses because he treated me, his friends, strangers - in a pleasant, calm, nice way. 

 

That's very much correct. I've noticed in my life I'll put up with anything (except cheating) as I'm so afraid to be alone and lose the person and that "connection" and that I'll never find someone else etc etc that I just put up with it even if it hurts. I'll look past it and think about all the good times we had and justify it as "normal relationship issues". I really struggle with the fine line between "this person isn't perfect and I have to understand their flaws" to "this isn't what I want for myself and I shouldn't put up with it". I'm scared I'll become too picky and end up with no one due to that. 

I have decided to take a break from dating a really look inwards. I told my therapist yesterday I'm exhausted of these repeating cycles and I'm not willing to go through another one. 

[Batya33]

Absolutely you don't have to date.  I always found that looking outwards helped me grow the most.  I did volunteer work, talked to my friends and not about my dating life, joined a book club, a networking group and went to parties, etc.  That gave me insights and helped me learn and grow - for me being absorbed in myself too much did not but you do you!

Physical attraction was essential to me.  I never had casual sex -knew I wouldn't feel the right connection outside of a relationship with serious potential for marriage where we were in love.  I had one partner which was a bit of an exception -we had sex after 2 months and he was exclusive with me but not in love with me.  That was a mistake.  I moved on.  

There should be no struggle at all if you know your values and standards and your worth.  This has zero to do with perfection or imperfection.  You are looking for a great match for you.  

Of course you might be single forever -there are no guarantees.  But staying around for good sex and garbage treatment increases the risk of being single greatly.  Telling yourself to exclusively focus inward (and what specifically does that mean -what is part of your daily routine when you focus on yourself and inward? -or is that just like a trendy catch phrase?) - that means you will be closed off to meeting people -not men for dating I mean meet people.  In activities.  Men and women.  

Good luck!

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

I'm scared I'll become too picky and end up with no one due to that. 

No, you'll end up with no one because you're willing to settle for turds and put up with their mistreatment until they grow weary and drop you.

That's a waste of the valuable time you could spend learning how to value yourself.

Unless and until you do that, you'll stay on your hamster wheel of desperation. Nasty guys smell that and play with you because they CAN. Decent guys don't need or want someone desperate, they have options. Predators are the only ones who will 'connect' with desperation--until they're done. Have you noticed?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

  I told my therapist yesterday I'm exhausted of these repeating cycles and I'm not willing to go through another one. 

This is a great first step. Take a break from dating until you can explore what's behind settling for bad guys .

[MissCanuck]

There is a wide margin between being too picky, and having terribly low or no standards, OP. 

You also aren't really doing anything to mitigate winding up alone, since it's pretty clear that these guys weren't planning on sticking around anyway. You will up alone anyway, if you continue dating men like this. 

 

[Coily]

Staying motivated in dating while facing trash people, well first welcome to the male dating experience. Half joking.

 The big thing is to find someone who you can bond with, but can accept their imperfections. I seems that you are looking at the good on paper, rather than who they are.

On the other side, what are you projecting that draws in these men? Are you picking based on looks, politics, or what? Sometimes when people have a very, overly exacting set of criteria, the trash floats on top. 

[Batya33]

I wanted to add -taking a break from dating is a good idea - I just don't think the break should be focused on focusing inward as opposed to doing activities, learning new skills, exploring, new (relatively safe) experiences that mostly involve other people - whether it's conducive to making close friends, acquaintances, networking or hybrid. 

And then of course time for reflection, contemplation -however that works for you best whether it's reading a good book that spurs that, yoga, scrubbing a floor while listening to music, exercise, breathing tecniques, meditation, religious service -whatever. 

Just avoid the trendy labels/cliches and tell yourself you're "working on yourself" -make yourself accountable for what you are doing daily to get to that goal and be clear with yourself on what that goal means to you.  

Also -meeting men on a first meet is not a date. Hanging out and hooking up with a man you just met is not dating.  And with exceptions likely not to lead to a potentially serious relationship.  Chatting and sexting and flirting with men online is not dating. 

Men who hang out with you and hook up and don't plan dates, men who chat you up online with no intention of meeting unless it's for a sexual arrangement -they are not bad people necessarily -there are women who want that, crave that, have loads of fun in those interactions - but it's unfair for you to then label men as not serious minded or woe is me there are no good ones out there if you are targeting men who are not serious minded and show you that up front, or do plan dates but after months of dating balk at talking about future goals, intentions, whether there is serious potential. 

And those men - you'd know that much earlier if you spoke up ASAP about your general future goals and acted the part -meaning perhaps waiting to have sex until you are exclusive (not just monogamous), not settling for last minute afterthought plans, etc.  Dating is about screening out bad matches very often.

So when you're ready to start dating again please know as others have mentioned -there are many many good people out there and you when you act in a reasonably secure and reasonably confident way and put yourself out there in environments where you are more likely to meet people of character and integrity (who can then introduce you to likeminded people for example) you will attract those people.

Will they all be hot looking arm candy men who are out of bounds awesome in bed? Maybe not. Maybe you may even have to reevaluate whether the reason the sex was so hot with these guys was because they were unavailable and so you could have fun without the risk of being too emotionally vulnerable or being in a committed relationship where you'd have to promise not to indulge in the temptation of going for another hottie who caught your eye.  Just stuff to consider.

 

Good luck.