Am I being gas lighted? How do I know, bad breakup.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, L143myself said:

I thought it felt off because I felt like I had to really defend myself and who I was. I almost felt attacked by his claims and he kept going on and saying the same thing in different ways. It has also happened in the past before (something similar) where I felt I needed to defend my character. The argument in the past never got resolved and I ended up apologizing , and nothing on his end. Then he told me I was just causing trouble and being bratty. 
 

I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation with how you’re feeling as well - almost comforting to know that the similarities in how were meant to feel almost validate our truth and bring us back to a reality that can be quickly lost in.

As the days go by I feel a little better and it’s helpful to have some insight from this forum and friends/family. 
first day back at work since it happened and it’s tough getting back into the little routines. It still stings at times but I’m hopeful 

Thank you for your kind words. 

Whenever you have to defend yourself to clear your name, it's most likely gaslighting which is typical psychological warfare.  Gaslighting is manipulating the argument in a very obnoxious way.  I'm very familiar with this type of ugliness.  Like you, I am the one who ended up groveling and apologizing.  Never fall for a gaslighter's trick and trap.  I don't do that anymore.  I'm done.  You were called bratty and causing trouble.  Yes indeed that is classic gaslighting all the way.  It's pinning the blame on you because the perpetrator will NEVER take responsibility for what they've done and said to you because they're a narcissist. Narcissists and empathetic types are always incompatible.  

Get stronger.  It's better not to hold out hope after a person treats you badly.  It's better to protect yourself by keeping safe and moving on.  Eliminate people who are not good to you.  Peaceful estrangement is better than being with a complicated, high maintenance person.

[TheRawTruth]

So is the issue that you can't meet his friends, or is the issue him being cold and distant, while seeming to gaslight you? Either way, it doesn't sound like you're happy. I can't speak on the cell phone incident because I don't know anything about a "quick message" feature. Nor do I get how messaging one of the callers would let your boyfriend know his phone was safe. Especially since he didn't have the phone to RECEIVE the message. I'm confused by that. But be that as it may, I'm not sure who ended things here. You say YOU did, but he seems to have just as many problems with you as you do him. So this NEEDED to end.

Now, as for him gaslighting you, I would have responded by reminding him of all the times I DID pay (and offer to pay) on my own and then say "So how have I never tried to pay? I just gave you multiple examples so you're full of it." Then wait for his response. But since it's over, it doesn't matter. He may have been gaslighting, but even if he wasn't, it sounds like it was going downhill regardless.

[L143myself]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Thank you for your kind words. 

Whenever you have to defend yourself to clear your name, it's most likely gaslighting which is typical psychological warfare.  Gaslighting is manipulating the argument in a very obnoxious way.  I'm very familiar with this type of ugliness.  Like you, I am the one who ended up groveling and apologizing.  Never fall for a gaslighter's trick and trap.  I don't do that anymore.  I'm done.  You were called bratty and causing trouble.  Yes indeed that is classic gaslighting all the way.  It's pinning the blame on you because the perpetrator will NEVER take responsibility for what they've done and said to you because they're a narcissist. Narcissists and empathetic types are always incompatible.  

Get stronger.  It's better not to hold out hope after a person treats you badly.  It's better to protect yourself by keeping safe and moving on.  Eliminate people who are not good to you.  Peaceful estrangement is better than being with a complicated, high maintenance person.

Thank you for providing me with a little light during this learning process for me as I recover and heal and learn to love myself again. 😊 I will take this advice with me. Just reading this is helping me to come to an understanding with this entire situation. Moving forward slowly but surely.

I hope you also find peace in your healing journey!

[L143myself]

3 hours ago, TheRawTruth said:

So is the issue that you can't meet his friends, or is the issue him being cold and distant, while seeming to gaslight you? Either way, it doesn't sound like you're happy. I can't speak on the cell phone incident because I don't know anything about a "quick message" feature. Nor do I get how messaging one of the callers would let your boyfriend know his phone was safe. Especially since he didn't have the phone to RECEIVE the message. I'm confused by that. But be that as it may, I'm not sure who ended things here. You say YOU did, but he seems to have just as many problems with you as you do him. So this NEEDED to end.

Now, as for him gaslighting you, I would have responded by reminding him of all the times I DID pay (and offer to pay) on my own and then say "So how have I never tried to pay? I just gave you multiple examples so you're full of it." Then wait for his response. But since it's over, it doesn't matter. He may have been gaslighting, but even if he wasn't, it sounds like it was going downhill regardless.

For the gaslighting example that I was curious about was when he told me that he wants to see my “true character “ and that he sees my true colors and that I’m not a genuine person. Even though I did offer to pay when we went out (not always) I’m not perfect and I didn’t even know he had an issue with the amount I was paying as he didn’t even tell me. He just decided to put me through a test - which he has put me through multiple ones in the past without even just communicating the issue. He said that if I knew what the issue was, then I’d fix that issue without being an actual genuine person that offers to pay. Mind you, I do offer just maybe not as often as he’d like, which hey if he mentioned it and we actually had communication about it, I could’ve met him where he wanted me to meet him. And he told me I was taking him for a ride and using him and that I showed him my true character.  He never admitted any fault for himself or has apologized - I felt like I had to defend my character and was questioning my actions even though I should know my truth.

 

with the cell phone, he lost it outside in the snow and I found it. He went home and he lives with his brother (that I know from class). When I found the phone I noticed a missed call on there - so I figured he was using a phone to call it. I sent a message to the number from him phone just saying “your phone is found, all good” so he wouldn’t worry about it. But then he got very upset that I did that. Mind you, I didn’t have any bad intention for doing it. But reflecting now I should’ve not messaged at all. I’m only human and I make mistakes too. I did apologize and told him I was sorry . But after that, it’s like there was no coming back. He held a grudge. Then the next day he told me it bugged him, but then wanted to reconsider breaking up and told me he wanted me to meet his mom and that I was wifey material. I told him that he was just saying that in the moment and that we had more issues we needed to work through. Less than 24 hours later he did a complete 180 and began to tell me all the hurtful things telling me I’m not genuine and I had ***ty behaviours etc. 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, L143myself said:

we did bump into one of my friends at an event and I introduced her to him and he told me “I could care less about meeting your ***in friends” and told me he didn’t sign up for this

Good grief, girl, why on earth did you tolerate such nastiness and disrespect? I would have dumped him then and there. 

11 hours ago, L143myself said:

And didn’t seem like the type to cheat on someone

Sure he did. You were a secret in his personal life. That is exactly the type to cheat. You were willfully ingorning some serious red flags. 

But he treated you poorly even apart from the secrecy. You need to raise you standards and ask yourself why you allowed yourself to be walked on like this. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, L143myself said:

I sent a message to the number from him phone just saying “your phone is found, all good” so he wouldn’t worry about it. But then he got very upset that I did that. Mind you, I didn’t have any bad intention for doing it. But reflecting now I should’ve not messaged at all. I’m only human and I make mistakes too.

You need a backbone, OP. 

This was a thoughful thing to do. Not a mistake. For any normal person with nothing to hide, they would understand why you made that choice. It's not a big deal at all - unless he had something to hide, which he obviously did. So he used it as an excuse to eject you from his life, because his two worlds (his real one, and the shadowy one with you) were about to collide and he was in damage-control mode. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, L143myself said:

 It’s so painful to get these messages so I ended up removing him.

It seems like you dodged a bullet based on many things including keeping you in the background, abusive talk and behaviors as well as manipulation.

It doesn't matter if he was cheating or not, so don't complicate things through conjecture. Don't use that to explain or justify his behavior.

There were enough red flags in themselves to be glad he's gone.

Rather than speculate about other women, focus on yourself and your wellbeing .

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[L143myself]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Good grief, girl, why on earth did you tolerate such nastiness and disrespect? I would have dumped him then and there. 

Sure he did. You were a secret in his personal life. That is exactly the type to cheat. You were willfully ingorning some serious red flags. 

But he treated you poorly even apart from the secrecy. You need to raise you standards and ask yourself why you allowed yourself to be walked on like this. 

Thank you for the response! I look back at it now and see it much more clearly. I think everything within me wanted him to be exactly what he claimed to be. I gave him way more than the benefit of the doubt with not meeting his friends or family, but it became a red flag I could no longer ignore and started asking questions about it. And funnily enough, he talked the talk but had no intention of backing any of it up.

I’m going to use this time to reflect on myself and learn as to why I tolerated this. And as you say- I do need a backbone . I need to work on that and strengthen my self esteem. Here’s to the journey of finding myself again!

And you’re right about the cell phone too, any other person probably wouldn’t have cared. I would’ve done the same for any of my friends too. Two worlds colliding and damage control sounds about right. 
Brings me some relief and healing with this information shared. Cheers and thank you 🙏 

 

[L143myself]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you dodged a bullet based on many things including keeping you in the background, abusive talk and behaviors as well as manipulation.

It doesn't matter if he was cheating or not, so don't complicate things through conjecture. Don't use that to explain or justify his behavior.

There were enough red flags in themselves to be glad he's gone.

Rather than speculate about other women, focus on yourself and your wellbeing .

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Cheers and thank you for for the advice and insight! It’s been around 4-5 days and I can feel myself getting better as the days go on.

my mind still wanders sometimes and tries to overthink it but it has improved and I’m hoping to continue to think about it less.

Lots to learn from this and about myself too. I have lots of questions I need to figure out about why I tolerated the behaviour and overlooked it. 

Your advice and time is very much appreciated!
 

[TheRawTruth]

On 2/25/2023 at 10:15 PM, L143myself said:

For the gaslighting example that I was curious about was when he told me that he wants to see my “true character “ and that he sees my true colors and that I’m not a genuine person. Even though I did offer to pay when we went out (not always) I’m not perfect and I didn’t even know he had an issue with the amount I was paying as he didn’t even tell me. He just decided to put me through a test - which he has put me through multiple ones in the past without even just communicating the issue. He said that if I knew what the issue was, then I’d fix that issue without being an actual genuine person that offers to pay. Mind you, I do offer just maybe not as often as he’d like, which hey if he mentioned it and we actually had communication about it, I could’ve met him where he wanted me to meet him. And he told me I was taking him for a ride and using him and that I showed him my true character.  He never admitted any fault for himself or has apologized - I felt like I had to defend my character and was questioning my actions even though I should know my truth.

 

with the cell phone, he lost it outside in the snow and I found it. He went home and he lives with his brother (that I know from class). When I found the phone I noticed a missed call on there - so I figured he was using a phone to call it. I sent a message to the number from him phone just saying “your phone is found, all good” so he wouldn’t worry about it. But then he got very upset that I did that. Mind you, I didn’t have any bad intention for doing it. But reflecting now I should’ve not messaged at all. I’m only human and I make mistakes too. I did apologize and told him I was sorry . But after that, it’s like there was no coming back. He held a grudge. Then the next day he told me it bugged him, but then wanted to reconsider breaking up and told me he wanted me to meet his mom and that I was wifey material. I told him that he was just saying that in the moment and that we had more issues we needed to work through. Less than 24 hours later he did a complete 180 and began to tell me all the hurtful things telling me I’m not genuine and I had ***ty behaviours etc. 

Yeah you don't need that. Even if you miss him, be glad it's over. If you pick it back up again, you'll only experience more of the same.

[Jaunty]

He actually comes of as a very mean mean man, from your recounting of things he's said to you.  Definitely require much more than this guy EVER gave you in your future relationships.  It might require some help to get there.  Take care.

[catfeeder]

On 2/26/2023 at 3:23 PM, L143myself said:

Lots to learn from this and about myself too. I have lots of questions I need to figure out about why I tolerated the behaviour and overlooked it. 

Consider stepping away from this for a while. Answers can come to you more easily after you've focused away from it long enough. It's how you'll build the right perspective to revisit it later.

This doesn't mean that grieving is off limits. It's perfectly natural, but it's a process, not something you can 'solve' by spinning.

Each day consider allowing yourself the time you need for your emotions to move you and move through you. But instead of getting stuck inside a spin, think of something you'll want to reach for and move your focus toward that. Over time see how well you can motivate yourself to increase your focus 'toward' things.

So glad to hear that you've been starting to feel better. You can always reach for help from a counselor or therapist if you decide to work through your answers in an organized way, but first allow yourself to build your confidence as you have been. Even occasional setbacks cannot take that away from you.

Head high.

[tattoobunnie]

One of my oldest buddies went through your situation exactly.  She never went to his place for an entire year or met any family or friends.  Turned out he was married with kids.

How you move on?  Two options.  Block his number and any social media.  Giveaway whatever he gave you.  Or get revenge, and text the person who kept calling over and over screenshots of your messages together because POS like this guy shouldn't be allowed to have cake and eat it too.  Most people will say to just block him, but I appreciate revenge, and have always felt better, even decades later thinking about it.

[L143myself]

On 2/27/2023 at 7:43 PM, Jaunty said:

He actually comes of as a very mean mean man, from your recounting of things he's said to you.  Definitely require much more than this guy EVER gave you in your future relationships.  It might require some help to get there.  Take care.

Yeah…unfortunately those flags came early and I still ignored it, probably so swept away by the “amazing connection” we had and overlooked them. Definitely a lesson learnt for sure. And something to be mindful of in my next relationship. For now it’s self healing and exploring myself as I’m not sure why I didn’t listen to the red flags I saw. I need to do some discovery and have an appointment with a counsellor on Friday. I want to come out of this stronger 💪and increase my self worth that I deserve better than what I subjected myself to. I let it happen and I take full responsibility for that. Doesn’t make it easier unfortunately. But this forum has also helped me to see the bigger picture as well and for that I am thankful. 🙏

[L143myself]

On 2/27/2023 at 10:02 PM, catfeeder said:

Consider stepping away from this for a while. Answers can come to you more easily after you've focused away from it long enough. It's how you'll build the right perspective to revisit it later.

This doesn't mean that grieving is off limits. It's perfectly natural, but it's a process, not something you can 'solve' by spinning.

Each day consider allowing yourself the time you need for your emotions to move you and move through you. But instead of getting stuck inside a spin, think of something you'll want to reach for and move your focus toward that. Over time see how well you can motivate yourself to increase your focus 'toward' things.

So glad to hear that you've been starting to feel better. You can always reach for help from a counselor or therapist if you decide to work through your answers in an organized way, but first allow yourself to build your confidence as you have been. Even occasional setbacks cannot take that away from you.

Head high.

Thank you for your response! I’ve been doing okay for the most part. The thoughts still come back here and there as you mentioned but whenever they do I try to focus on other things! I even find myself wanting to talk about the breakup and all the hurtful things less and less as days go by. Some days I do have the set backs but as you said trying to maintain the focus forward , and owning my truth in the now. I know who I am and the type of person I am and I was letting another person tell me what my character was. Why I placed so much value into his opinion?? No idea. But I have blocked/deleted from all social media. Still going strong and have no intention on reaching out. I’ve been staying at one of my best friends place for the past week and that’s seemed to help with my recovery as well. She’s been super supportive and very kind during the difficult time for me. 
 

There are times when I re hash things and get stuck in the spin but I quickly realize this and try to not think about it as it doesn’t change anything and has no value on myself as person. Also reading back my responses has helped as well. Daily check ins and being present in the moment has really helped too! Keeping this head of mine high, thank you🙏

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, L143myself said:

Thank you for your response! I’ve been doing okay for the most part. The thoughts still come back here and there as you mentioned but whenever they do I try to focus on other things! I even find myself wanting to talk about the breakup and all the hurtful things less and less as days go by. Some days I do have the set backs but as you said trying to maintain the focus forward , and owning my truth in the now. I know who I am and the type of person I am and I was letting another person tell me what my character was. Why I placed so much value into his opinion?? No idea. But I have blocked/deleted from all social media. Still going strong and have no intention on reaching out. I’ve been staying at one of my best friends place for the past week and that’s seemed to help with my recovery as well. She’s been super supportive and very kind during the difficult time for me. 
 

There are times when I re hash things and get stuck in the spin but I quickly realize this and try to not think about it as it doesn’t change anything and has no value on myself as person. Also reading back my responses has helped as well. Daily check ins and being present in the moment has really helped too! Keeping this head of mine high, thank you🙏

Beautiful work, L! Thank you so much for keeping us updated, and so happy that you have such a good friend. Don't get frightened by any setbacks, they are just part of the process and cannot rob you of your progress--even though they might seem like it at the time.

Feel free to write more if it helps. Head high.

[Cherylyn]

I've discovered that gaslighters think they're rather clever.  However, they're really not.  Gaslighters are a very sneaky, tricky, manipulative lot.  Anyone who lacks  empathy,  lacks intelligence.  I can't have normal relationships or friendships with gaslighters.  At best, I can be an acquaintance with mere superficial conversations and even then it's a stretch.  I find it easier to eliminate gaslighters from my life altogether.  If I cannot, I've since learned to maintain a deliberate, safe, frosty distance from them.

[L143myself]

UPDATE:

So it’s been around 3 weeks!! Toughest week for me was the first and now I’m just getting back into my routines and living life. I remained no contact.

3 days ago I went out to my car and I got inside but noticed something on my windshield…it was a note addressed to me. I opened the note and sure enough it was from my ex…he said that he wanted to reach out to me but he couldn’t. Then he proceeded to say that this time apart has given him time to think, and that his body needs me around (I know it’s weird he always described feelings in terms of his body) and that he knows we ended on bad terms and that we made eachother upset. No accountability no real apology. He says he wants to meet up and have a conversation in person….which I’m not really sure why.

part of me really has nothing more to say. I’ve already made peace with it. What do you guys think and should I meet up and talk to him? I don’t really feel like it would be of any benefit considering I do not want to get back together. Thoughts??

I suppose he could’ve sent me an email. If he really wanted to as he wasn’t blocked on that. Part of me almost feels robbed that he broke the boundary of no contact that I put in place but removing him from my life, he over stepped it and came to the source …

[Cherylyn]

8 minutes ago, L143myself said:

UPDATE:

So it’s been around 3 weeks!! Toughest week for me was the first and now I’m just getting back into my routines and living life. I remained no contact.

3 days ago I went out to my car and I got inside but noticed something on my windshield…it was a note addressed to me. I opened the note and sure enough it was from my ex…he said that he wanted to reach out to me but he couldn’t. Then he proceeded to say that this time apart has given him time to think, and that his body needs me around (I know it’s weird he always described feelings in terms of his body) and that he knows we ended on bad terms and that we made eachother upset. No accountability no real apology. He says he wants to meet up and have a conversation in person….which I’m not really sure why.

part of me really has nothing more to say. I’ve already made peace with it. What do you guys think and should I meet up and talk to him? I don’t really feel like it would be of any benefit considering I do not want to get back together. Thoughts??

I suppose he could’ve sent me an email. If he really wanted to as he wasn’t blocked on that. Part of me almost feels robbed that he broke the boundary of no contact that I put in place but removing him from my life, he over stepped it and came to the source …

He wants you for sex only.  You decide. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, L143myself said:

 something on my windshield…it was a note addressed to me.  given him time to think, and that his body needs me around 

Unfortunately many abusers become stalkers. Delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Disregard the note but save it as evidence if he bothers you again. The note is creepy and he's only thinking about what his body needs? 

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, L143myself said:

his body needs me around

booty call.  he can knock all he wants, no one is home.  the best response is no response.

do not cast thy pearls before swine 😉

[boltnrun]

His "body" is horny.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, L143myself said:

...No accountability no real apology. He says he wants to meet up and have a conversation in person….which I’m not really sure why.

...I don’t really feel like it would be of any benefit considering I do not want to get back together. 

Yeah, no. That's about as close to an apology as, "...things were said...".

Skip that. Let him wonder if the note was read by you or whether it wasn't worthy of a response.

Head high, and keep moving forward, sister!

[L143myself]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately many abusers become stalkers. Delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Disregard the note but save it as evidence if he bothers you again. The note is creepy and he's only thinking about what his body needs? 

Yeah, hopefully this is just a one off and doesn’t continue! There was a reason he’s blocked on everything and yet still can’t respect my boundaries. 

He must be really desperate if he is willing to come to my place and hand write a message for a booty call or whatever his objective is lol😆 good riddance haha

[L143myself]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, no. That's about as close to an apology as, "...things were said...".

Skip that. Let him wonder if the note was read by you or whether it wasn't worthy of a response.

Head high, and keep moving forward, sister!

👏 No set backs for this gal! I won’t lie though, very unexpected and thought he would take a hint I did not want any contact hence not having any way to reach me! Haha