Guy suddenly acting distant after heavily pursuing me

[OliviaJJJ]

2 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I haven't been on here for a few weeks since I recently started a new job and have been very busy, so I thought I'd post an update.  It has now been exactly two full weeks since I've heard a peep from this guy.  Not a single call, FaceTime, or text message.  I sent him a couple of texts 10-11 days ago, but he never responded to them and he hasn't contacted me in any way.  He called me on March 1st very briefly while he was in Florida and then texted me once later that same evening, but that was it.  He just completely dropped off after that.  I don't know when or if I'll hear from him again and I have no idea what's going on with him, but I frankly no longer really care.  He ghosted me and it's his loss.  It was a total jerk move on his part.  He was probably never all that serious to begin with and clearly has issues.

I have moved forward and I'm now dating a local guy who lives only 45 minutes from me and it's going amazingly well so far.  We had our first date last Sunday, which lasted 8-9 hours, and we spent almost the entire time laughing so hard that we cried.  I won't get into all of the details since it would take too long, but it was the most imperfectly perfect/hilarious date ever and we're spending this coming weekend together.  He's an former police officer of nearly 30 years and he's originally from the same state as the guy who ghosted me.  He moved to my state in 2016.  He is divorced and had a tough marriage like I did, so we could totally relate to each other on that front.  We had both been with our spouses since we were very young.

He is polar opposite of the last guy.  Since our first date, his communication has INCREASED significantly.  We have been texting practically all day every day since our date and we're counting down the hours until Friday, when we will be going out of town together for the weekend.  He keeps thanking me for our amazing first date and saying how it has been many years since he's laughed that hard.  It was so funny that we're both still laughing about it many days later.  So many hilarious things happened during our date, and the last guy who I traveled 5 hours to meet was the butt of our jokes over dinner.  I have never felt this amazing.  He is so sweet and respectful.  He wanted to make sure I was comfortable during our date.  When he brought me home, he said he would come inside, but he wanted to respect boundaries.  He definitely wasn't trying to sleep with me on the first date.  We did kiss, which was amazing.  He told me today that he can't stop thinking about me and he sent me a meme that said, "Falling in love is easy.  Having sex is easier.  But bumping into someone who can spark your soul is extremely rare."   Yesterday, he said that he has never had this strong of an urge to spend time with somebody.  We definitely seem to be having the exact same feelings and I feel very good about this.  We both agreed that we would like to see where this goes and we are officially dating.  It's also a million times easier since instead of being 300+ miles/5 hours away, he's only 35 miles/45 minutes away, so we can see each other whenever we want.  

I would slow down personally.  The same thing that went down with other guy appears to be repeating itself with this new guy.  Falling in love on the first date? Remind yourself what love bombing means and be careful.

[Sindy_0311]

You can’t imagine how this guys behavior is common. They all say theses things. I remember one pretending to be totally into me only to end up ghosted out of nowhere after 3rd date. And there is this guy who is texting me all day long, sending me pictures, singing me songs, saying how lucky he is to speak with me etc… and we didn’t even meet yet. Guys are poets when they want something. Be careful and don’t show him to much of interest. Be a little cold, just show the 20%of your interest level. Be kind, polite, funny, interesting, but don’t give to much of energy for this guy. 
 

What did you plan for the weekend? Are you going away together? That would be risky 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I have moved forward and I'm now dating a local guy who lives only 45 minutes from me .He is polar opposite of the last guy.  

Exactly. This adventure was just a catalyst for stepping back into the dating world. Now you've done that with better results. Good luck in your endeavors.

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I have moved forward and I'm now dating a local guy who lives only 45 minutes from me and it's going amazingly well so far.  We had our first date last Sunday, which lasted 8-9 hours, and we spent almost the entire time laughing so hard that we cried.  I won't get into all of the details since it would take too long, but it was the most imperfectly perfect/hilarious date ever and we're spending this coming weekend together.  He's an former police officer of nearly 30 years and he's originally from the same state as the guy who ghosted me.  He moved to my state in 2016.  He is divorced and had a tough marriage like I did, so we could totally relate to each other on that front.  We had both been with our spouses since we were very young.

He is polar opposite of the last guy.  Since our first date, his communication has INCREASED significantly.  We have been texting practically all day every day since our date and we're counting down the hours until Friday, when we will be going out of town together for the weekend.  He keeps thanking me for our amazing first date and saying how it has been many years since he's laughed that hard.  It was so funny that we're both still laughing about it many days later.  So many hilarious things happened during our date, and the last guy who I traveled 5 hours to meet was the butt of our jokes over dinner.  I have never felt this amazing.  He is so sweet and respectful.  He wanted to make sure I was comfortable during our date.  When he brought me home, he said he would come inside, but he wanted to respect boundaries.  He definitely wasn't trying to sleep with me on the first date.  We did kiss, which was amazing.  He told me today that he can't stop thinking about me and he sent me a meme that said, "Falling in love is easy.  Having sex is easier.  But bumping into someone who can spark your soul is extremely rare."   Yesterday, he said that he has never had this strong of an urge to spend time with somebody.  We definitely seem to be having the exact same feelings and I feel very good about this.  We both agreed that we would like to see where this goes and we are officially dating. 

You could be describing an experience that I once had!

It did not end well lol.

Glad you are moving on, but just be careful about rushing in like this.

[jwrunner81]

We are not rushing.  I am far from an idiot.  We had an amazing first date and have another one this weekend.  Nobody has professed to be in love yet.  We've only known each other for two weeks and we are simply genuinely enjoying each other's company and getting to know each other more.....

[Jibralta]

No one called you an idiot!

[Andrina]

Two hours should be a max for a first meet, and double that on an actual first date. And the first date should not involve an entire weekend together. Too much, way too soon. And since you share chemistry, it's hard not to be intimate when you have the sort of privacy you get in a home or hotel room. More women than not feel bonded when having sex because of particular hormones released. If a guy you've spent mere hours with says he's in it for longterm, and thinks you're a person he'd like to be exclusive with, doesn't mean this will last past the first date.

It doesn't matter what good gut feelings you have during this honeymoon phase. 

And though you laughed about the guy who ghosted you, it's really not a good first date topic of discussion, and really, the fewer details you give to a prospective partners about your exes, the better. Best to keep it simple, i.e., He didn't put in the effort I wanted. He cheated on me. We grew apart. We didn't have enough in common. 

I'm just trying to help because of mistakes I've made in the past, and see that you still have a lot to learn after not being the dating world for very long. Why don't you read some articles on the best practices of dating to get some helpful tips you can try. Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I am far from an idiot.

I don't believe anyone suggested that. 

Rather, it's obvious you are in an emotionally vulnerable state and were quite hurt by the last guy. It's all very recent. We're seeing you get very, very excited about this new one and don't want to see you hurt all over again if you get too far ahead of yourself here, too. 

Have fun. But keep your emotions in check and remember that he is virtually a stranger and anything could happen. He might indeed be great, or he might be pulling the wool over your eyes the same way the last one did. That's why pacing yourself in the beginning is critical. Deciding that you are "offically dating" when you have only just met isn't a great idea. Get to know him more, and then decide if you want to be official. 

[boltnrun]

It's easy for someone to say all the right things in the beginning. But since you've only known him for what, 12 hours? You have no idea if he's the kind of person who actually means what he says. After all, he barely knows you, so how can he know you two are right for one another?

And texting "all day every day" creates a false sense of connection. It causes attachment before it's truly warranted. Texting is not knowing. 

All we're saying is please be cautious. Don't jump all in before you even know if this man is sincere or if he's ultimately the right one for you. 

[Jaunty]

Whenever I hear about "texting all day everyday" with somebody after one date (often even before meeting) I get a sinking feeling ... 

OP.  I'm happy for you that you've met someone you're hitting it off with, but PLEASE SLOW T F DOWN.

Maybe you'll be the exception, but in general (vastly universal) nothing like this can ever be sustained and it's a tremendous let-down when reality encroaches.

The most loving people do NOT "text all day every day."  If this is the established norm after you've met ONE TIME, you are not going to feel good when it slows down.   It will.  Because no normal people (unless pre-teen girls, excuse the sexist generalization)  want to "text all day every day" with anybody. 

You seem quite desperate to attach to someone.   What you're missing in your rush is the ability for people to reveal themselves to one another over appropriate spans of time and building familiarity and trust. 

You're also at risk for connecting with either other people who are desperate to attach too.  So both hungry for a FEELING and not really doing any building.  House of cards situation.  

And of course there are those who can sense the desperate lonely people who won't bother with any circumspection, and take advantage of that state.  

This guy might turn out to be the right one for you but it seems like you are following the same pattern you just enacted with the last one.   

It will be heavily weighted, unrealistically, on the front end, and the rest of the relationship will be struggling to play catch-up.  

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Because no normal people (unless pre-teen girls, excuse the sexist generalization)  want to "text all day every day" with anybody. 

And pre-teen girls would gossip and mock the last person they dated, etc as you are because (1) that false sense of familiarity/connection; and (2) if you're texting that much with someone you know less well than your favorite fuzzy socks, it gets boring so it's too tempting to spice it up with dishing about the other guy.

[Andrina]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And pre-teen girls would gossip and mock the last person they dated, etc as you are because (1) that false sense of familiarity/connection; and (2) if you're texting that much with someone you know less well than your favorite fuzzy socks, it gets boring so it's too tempting to spice it up with dishing about the other guy.

Yes, the purpose of divulging relationship history with each other is to gain important info, such as how long a person has been unattached, and what's the longest relationship they've been in. Such as if a guy is 40 and the longest relationship he's had has been 6 months, then there's a sure bet you won't last any longer than that. And if a person has been married 20 years and divorced a month ago, he's probably not ready to seriously date for a while. 

The long distance thing where it was like a 5 week fling with no exclusivity doesn't even warrant mentioning. Don't have diarrhea of the mouth. I know I wouldn't want to hear a guy's play-by-play of every dating experience he's recently had if I were single and dating. I only want the generalities of his relationship history to give me the info I need to know if he's a good prospect or not.

[Sindy_0311]

On 3/16/2023 at 1:26 PM, jwrunner81 said:

  I am far from an idiot.  

I will be bold here, and maybe it will sound a bit harsh. 

I truly think you are a good person, but you are an idiot according to your lack of experience in dating, mostly online dating. And there is nothing wrong with it, just relax… 

I’m not judging you, I will only refer to your previous and current situation. You are naive. Do you think you can meet your guy online so fast? Let me tell you something, we all know that majority of men or women online are garbage. That’s why you have to reinforce your boundaries when it comes to a guy you meet online. These guys have plenty of options to meet girls, you are just one of them, and if you show too much of interest or enthusiasm, they will take you for granted and take advantage on you like the last one did. (So please, do NOT go on a weekend plan with him now)

When I started online dating I was not aware of it, but I learnt it by myself. Hear me, we are not judging you, we don’t know you, we are just warning you in a kindly way. Most of people commenting on your posts already went through all this online dating experiences (crap) and I think you can definitely trust their insights. If you are not capable of questioning yourself about your behavior there is no use to ask for further advice here… but I’m sure that in one or two years from now, you will come back and say “dudes, you were right” 😉 (to the dudes, like this post if you agree with me) 

[Batya33]

I really do take issue with the term idiot in this context vs. simple lack of experience. I felt like an idiot when I went back to work after 7.5 years away and - yes folks -could not find the send button on the new-to-me version of microsoft outlook and even worse I had to email my new boss and frantically asked my brand new coworker in the office next door how to send an email.  Thank goodness for her patience.  And helping me click "send".  Maybe she thought I was an idiot (but we became friendly soon after!) - and thank goodness she didn't show or express that.  

OP IMHO you are no idiot.  Might you be new -again-to dating and newer to the new ways of dating in this crazy online dating/app world? Sure! So I'm here and others are here to get you up to speed if you think our input is useful. Please do not think of yourself as an idiot.  I think you took unnecessary safety risks -unwise risks -with that other guy and I am glad you are ok.  But unwise -even if true -doesn't make you an idiot or warrant referring to you as one.  JMHO.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

These guys have plenty of options to meet girls, you are just one of them, and if you show too much of interest or enthusiasm, they will take you for granted and take advantage on you like the last one did.

I will only partially agree with you. Because the experience of an average woman and average man in online dating today are vastly different. We can see it here on Forum all the time. Average woman has a a lot of options in online dating. Ratio of women and men is 25:75%(I think) so in the start that is 3 men to 1 woman. For ANY woman. But its not only that 3 men out there, its a very big pool of men. So average woman(in terms of looks and other stuff), can easily get 100+ likes from men. So women get often overwhelmed. And in that pool of men they usually make a selection to the best. In terms of looks, in terms of charms to make them fall for them on the date etc. And that often are "players". Aka exactly people you described. Somebody who just wants one thing, has plenty of options for it and can take you for granted because if you wont play his tunes, there are plenty of others like you who will. 

Average man not only has to compete with those 2 other men for 1 girl. But with bunch of others if the woman is more on prettier side. Additionally, women are more "stingier" when it comes to matches(because, lets face it, they can be when they can choose from a pool of men) so he barely gets likes, let alone matches. 

So we here on the Forum get 2 common archetypes when it comes to online dating:

1) Women who complain how they ended up with "players" who just wanted sex and lost interest in them the second they got that

2) Men who complain how they cant get matches or how their date ghosted them after one date

So you can see how both sides dont really have the best experience out there. As experience from both sides is vastly different and its not positive from their own perspective.

But that doesnt mean OP, or anyone else, shouldnt try if she found someone who she resonates with. For now its going OK, lets hope it continues. I do agree that 9 hours for a first date is way too much. And that it creates unrealistic expectations with somebody who she barely knows. So she should be more "down to earth" here. 

[jwrunner81]

Wow, there are a lot of pessimists and judgmental individuals on this board!  This will be my final post.  I have just returned from a 3-day getaway with the guy who I am now in an official relationship with.  I don't care about anyone's judgment.  We had an amazing time and have an extremely powerful connection and chemistry.  I won't go into any further details, because I know that I will only be flamed.  I wish you all well.  

[MissCanuck]

It is neither judgmental nor pessimistic to caution you against developing a pattern with these online guys, at the risk your own heart. 

Be wise and take care. 

 

[Bvc476]

Looks like he just wanted sex. He's a player and perfectly knew what to say and do to make you swoon. Isn't it suspicious that everything was so perfect? Either he's a player with a roster or secretly he's still with his ex, that's what I think. Maybe something turned him off? Could be he has some attachment problems too but at this age he should've sorted it out long ago. The best way to deal with it is to be honest with him, ask him how he sees it further. Not too long ago I learned that the best way of dealing with such issues is just to communicate with people. Tell him that you feel something changed, tell him exactly what you think and that you'd like him to change this behaviour, otherwise you'll have to say goodbye because there's a whole world of other men out there who will be consistently clear from the beginning. See what he does. If he keeps being like this then he doesn't care about you and you should move on. I learned not to care about whether I come across too needy or clingy, I don't give a damn anymore. If my neediness/clinginess scares a man away then he's not the one. In your 40's I don't think there's time to wait around for any man, it's not an immature boy, he's a grown ass man who should know what he wants, no excuses. Anyway, keep dating others too, it's always better to have backups just in case. 

[MissCanuck]

@Bvc476, I'm going to guess you haven't read OP's latest posts to this thread.