I think my boyfriend used to like my best friend

[happy1]

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and I had a sneaky suspicion he used to like one of my best friends. We're in the same friendship group.

I found out recently through another mutual friend that my boyfriend used to like my best friend. I asked my boyfriend and at first, he wouldn't admit to it, but he has mentioned he did like her a couple of years ago when they were both single (she's been with someone for two years. He never let her know he liked her.)

He says that he doesn't feel that way any more and that he only has eyes for me, but I can't seem to stop thinking that he thought about her in that way. It kills me to think he fantasised about her and was really into her, and it wasn't that long ago really. I'm worried he might still find her attractive, although he is very good at making me feel like I am the only one he's into. How do I start to get over this? 

[Batya33]

You choose to react to your insecure feelings about how he felt in the past (and remember you chose to ask him -why?) by coming up with ways of distraction/redirection -for you that might mean 4-7-8 breathing (google Weil method), doing some energized cleaning in your house, going for a brisk walk, calling a friend and not talking about your emotions.  

It's ok if he still finds her attractive. He's not blind.  It's ok if he used to have a crush on her.  It's not his job to reassure you constantly that he only has eyes for you.  That gets annoying really fast.  He's done nothing wrong but you might push him away if you keep making comments or showing him you're upset -that's not what you want, is it? Please don't waste your precious time worrying - the sky could fall in, also.

[spinstermanquee]

Second what Batya said.  He's with YOU not her.  He wants YOU not her.  And if he did want her it's in the past and it's gone.  People move on... and so should you.  From HIS past.  Doesn't matter one whit!

[bluecastle]

Great advice from Batya above.

Another thing to think about, perhaps, is your own past.

Odds are high there were men you were once super into who, today, you're not remotely into: past boyfriends, past crushes, whatever. 

Odds are also high that, on any given day, you may notice an attractive man—in a store, on the street, while out with friends, wherever.

And odds are that none of that changes how you feel about your boyfriend, so remind yourself of all that when the thoughts start to swirl. 

[boltnrun]

Is this the same friend who works where you and your boyfriend work?

[Cherylyn]

He chose YOU.  If your boyfriend wanted to be with your best friend, he would've been with her instead of you.  Who has him?  YOU, not her!  You get over this by appreciating your boyfriend for being yours instead of hers and leaving the past behind you. 

Also, since you share mutual social circles, limit time with your best friend in group settings.  Be with  your best friend on your own time separately such as meeting for a meal or coffee.  Don't have group social settings with your best friend, you and your boyfriend together if being lumped together makes you feel uncomfortable and awkward.  Don't place yourself in an environment which causes your angst. 

[happy1]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You choose to react to your insecure feelings about how he felt in the past (and remember you chose to ask him -why?) by coming up with ways of distraction/redirection -for you that might mean 4-7-8 breathing (google Weil method), doing some energized cleaning in your house, going for a brisk walk, calling a friend and not talking about your emotions.  

It's ok if he still finds her attractive. He's not blind.  It's ok if he used to have a crush on her.  It's not his job to reassure you constantly that he only has eyes for you.  That gets annoying really fast.  He's done nothing wrong but you might push him away if you keep making comments or showing him you're upset -that's not what you want, is it? Please don't waste your precious time worrying - the sky could fall in, also.

Thank you! 

[happy1]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Is this the same friend who works where you and your boyfriend work?

Yes we all work together and I had my worst fear confirmed - that he did indeed like her a couple of years ago..

[happy1]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He chose YOU.  If your boyfriend wanted to be with your best friend, he would've been with her instead of you.  Who has him?  YOU, not her!  You get over this by appreciating your boyfriend for being yours instead of hers and leaving the past behind you. 

Also, since you share mutual social circles, limit time with your best friend in group settings.  Be with  your best friend on your own time separately such as meeting for a meal or coffee.  Don't have group social settings with your best friend, you and your boyfriend together if being lumped together makes you feel uncomfortable and awkward.  Don't place yourself in an environment which causes your angst. 

I know. The sad thing is that I wonder if she'd known, they might've got together, so I feel a little second best. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, happy1 said:

I know. The sad thing is that I wonder if she'd known, they might've got together, so I feel a little second best. 

This simply makes no sense because it is so full of what ifs.  Timing often matters a great deal in relationships.  Also even if he liked her "first" back then and even if they dated -back then - it doesn't mean it would have worked out and then dating you wouldn't make you "second best" just "second in time."  My husband dated people seriously while we were broken up for years as did I.  When we got back together, I never thought of him as a second best choice- 

Also google the lyrics to We Have No Secrets -by Carly Simon - this is why you don't go there with these topics, ok? I have questions I will never ask my husband because honestly I don't want to know the answer -for example he proposed to me with the same ring from the first time we were engaged.  The engagements were 11 years apart. 

Do I know for sure he never proposed or planned on proposing with that ring to someone else? He wasn't engaged to anyone else - but I don't know.  And I do not want to know.  I love my ring.  I think it's really special he saved it and used it to propose again. 

I also actually do know that the night he decided to ask me out -we also worked together -he'd considered asking out a coworker of ours as well -we were all at the same large work event.  Considered but decided not to - I'm not sure when or why he told me this (this was the first time we were together in the 90s).  I didn't care.  At all.  And she was so flirtatious with everyone I don't know if she knew and who cares. What does it matter? He chose me.  I chose him.  

(Yes, listen to that song/read the lyrics).  

Also if that is your worst fear count yourself lucky.  I mean your feelings are your feelings but consider why this is your "worst" fear about your relationship.  

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, happy1 said:

Yes we all work together and I had my worst fear confirmed - that he did indeed like her a couple of years ago..

You got a lot of great advice on your previous thread. You even decided you were going to attend therapy because you realized your fears were caused by your own insecurities. You also realized constantly asking your boyfriend if he still "likes" her and asking for reassurance from him would destroy your relationship and you said you didn't want that. 

Did you follow through with therapy? 

[smackie9]

You are at a stage where the thought of him liking or being with someone else makes you jealous and insecure. These feelings are normal. In time when things settle down those feelings will be gone. Just part of life. 

[boltnrun]

I apologize. You did not change your user name. Sorry for getting that wrong. 

[Cherylyn]

17 hours ago, happy1 said:

I know. The sad thing is that I wonder if she'd known, they might've got together, so I feel a little second best. 

Be grateful and get those negative thoughts out of your head.  He's not with her.  He's with you instead by his choice.  Don't wonder.  

[happy1]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Be grateful and get those negative thoughts out of your head.  He's not with her.  He's with you instead by his choice.  Don't wonder.  

Thank you

[boltnrun]

And now I realize I was right and you did change your user name after all!

Do you truly want to be in this relationship? You keep bringing up something that happened two years ago. You also complained that he forgets about your appointments and other stuff. If he's causing you this much turmoil maybe you don't really want to be with him. It's ok to end this relationship if it isn't working for you. 

[MissCanuck]

Given this thread together with your others, I don't think your relationship is going to work out. 

You are going to have a hard time letting go of this knowledge and you were already finding fault with him even before this. I am under the impression you won't be able to relax enough and the insecurity will continue to eat at you to the point where dating him just isn't realisitc anymore. 

Think carefully about whether you can cope with this new revelation. If not, it's time to end it and move on. 

[happy1]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And now I realize I was right and you did change your user name after all!

Do you truly want to be in this relationship? You keep bringing up something that happened two years ago. You also complained that he forgets about your appointments and other stuff. If he's causing you this much turmoil maybe you don't really want to be with him. It's ok to end this relationship if it isn't working for you. 

I see what you're saying, but the problem is I DO really want to be in the relationship as I have such strong feelings for him and have never felt this way. It's just I'm already an insecure person, and to realise your suspicions were true that he liked my best friend in the past, is causing so much jealousy. He is adamant he doesn't feel anything for her now, but I have a huge inferiority complex around her as it is and to know he liked her just kills me. Whereas, thinking about him having past crushes on anyone else doesn't really faze me. 

I'm just in so much turmoil that I could regret ending something that feels so right, yet I just feel I can't seem to let this go. 

[happy1]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Given this thread together with your others, I don't think your relationship is going to work out. 

You are going to have a hard time letting go of this knowledge and you were already finding fault with him even before this. I am under the impression you won't be able to relax enough and the insecurity will continue to eat at you to the point where dating him just isn't realisitc anymore. 

Think carefully about whether you can cope with this new revelation. If not, it's time to end it and move on. 

Thank you for your honest opinion. 

I am in so much turmoil. Do I end a relationship with someone who I really love and regret it because he could be being totally genuine that he has no feelings for her any more. Or do I stay and feel constantly on edge and worry that there's something still there on his part. I just have no idea what to do any more. 

 

 

[happy1]

On 2/16/2023 at 2:17 PM, boltnrun said:

You got a lot of great advice on your previous thread. You even decided you were going to attend therapy because you realized your fears were caused by your own insecurities. You also realized constantly asking your boyfriend if he still "likes" her and asking for reassurance from him would destroy your relationship and you said you didn't want that. 

Did you follow through with therapy? 

I am having therapy, but this has been a setback finally realising that he did indeed like my friend in the past. As we all work together, I'm on edge a lot and it's always on my mind. I'm worried I'll catch him looking at her and freak out, sending my thoughts spiralling again. 

[happy1]

On 2/16/2023 at 12:01 PM, Batya33 said:

This simply makes no sense because it is so full of what ifs.  Timing often matters a great deal in relationships.  Also even if he liked her "first" back then and even if they dated -back then - it doesn't mean it would have worked out and then dating you wouldn't make you "second best" just "second in time."  My husband dated people seriously while we were broken up for years as did I.  When we got back together, I never thought of him as a second best choice- 

Also google the lyrics to We Have No Secrets -by Carly Simon - this is why you don't go there with these topics, ok? I have questions I will never ask my husband because honestly I don't want to know the answer -for example he proposed to me with the same ring from the first time we were engaged.  The engagements were 11 years apart. 

Do I know for sure he never proposed or planned on proposing with that ring to someone else? He wasn't engaged to anyone else - but I don't know.  And I do not want to know.  I love my ring.  I think it's really special he saved it and used it to propose again. 

I also actually do know that the night he decided to ask me out -we also worked together -he'd considered asking out a coworker of ours as well -we were all at the same large work event.  Considered but decided not to - I'm not sure when or why he told me this (this was the first time we were together in the 90s).  I didn't care.  At all.  And she was so flirtatious with everyone I don't know if she knew and who cares. What does it matter? He chose me.  I chose him.  

(Yes, listen to that song/read the lyrics).  

Also if that is your worst fear count yourself lucky.  I mean your feelings are your feelings but consider why this is your "worst" fear about your relationship.  

This is good advice and thanks for sharing your experiences which have helped me put a few things in perspective. I'm just so insecure. 

[boltnrun]

What does your therapist recommend?

[Batya33]

Why in the world are you burdening this man you care about so much with having to prove to you and be "adamant" he wants you and not her??  That's not you loving him -that's you being self-absorbed and perhaps selfish.  It's unfair to him to treat him this way.  You opened a can of worms and now you're making him suffer.  If you truly care you'll choose to react to your feelings by not subjecting him to this sort of repetitive insecurity/negativity.  

What you do is decide -do you choose him or your irrational insecurities?

[Jaunty]

I don't think it's possible for you to be in a successful relationship when you are so insecure, and further, you expect the man to be responsible to assuage your insecurities.  That dynamic can not work.  

You are capable of being a person who can leave the past in the past.  If the man is realistically too unreliable to be worthy of your trust - he is not worthy of a relationship with you.  

[boltnrun]

Also, have you implemented any of the suggestions people made in your previous (very long) thread? Or are you just giving in to your anxiety and allowing it to steer your ship?

You realize that your repeated demands for reassurance will result in what you fear the most...your boyfriend giving up and ending the relationship. No one can withstand that kind of pressure no matter how much they love you. 

Side note, the person who is obsessed with that other woman isn't your boyfriend... it's you. 

What suggestions has your therapist made to deal with your extreme anxiety and obsessive thoughts?