Insecurity or intuition?

[Lpritchette]

So, disclaimer here, I haven’t had the best history when it came to dating and relationships. I tend to base my happiness on my significant other- definitely have some prolonged underlying codependency /attachment issues going on.

I have been with my fiancé now for three years. Been engaged for a few months now.

He recently had a huge promotion at work which requires him to work longer crazier hours. He recently also started on antidepressants for other a month now. But since starting with this promotion I’ve felt very insecure, I feel like he’s not as “cutesie” with me, definitely not as intimate which I figured was the antidepressant. Also figured okay he’s tired he’s working crazy hours comes home sleeps does it all again. 

My biggest issue is I keep feeling like there is a pit in my stomach- like I feel like something is wrong. 

He has a new co-worker (female) who commented a weird comment that struck me as odd on one of his Instagram photos. 

But just recently his job put up a picture of him at the building where he works  (which is a big deal for where he works, the company is very close and it’s definitely cool and all to have his picture up at the place) this same girl took a picture of it & posted it on her Instagram story tagging him & he reshared it.

Now, saying both of those things out loud makes me feel like I am just over reacting. 
But this woman is clearly showing him extra attention. 
I don’t go through his phone, I don’t obsess over his social media “likes” or DM’s, we share locations with eachother, he comes right home after work everyday.. But why do I have this sick nervous anxiety feeling in my stomach?

Is this intuition that something is up or am I just being insecure? 

 

[bluecastle]

What’s the weird comment that she left on IG? I ask because everything else you’ve outlined strikes me as…pretty normal.

 

[LootieTootie]

Never rule out your gut feeling but I wouldn't start accusing him or stalking him or snooping on his social media accounts.

Have you both made time for date nights?

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Lpritchette said:

He has a new co-worker (female) who commented a weird comment that struck me as odd

What did she say?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Lpritchette said:

 Been engaged for a few months now.

He recently had a huge promotion at work which requires him to work longer crazier hours. He recently also started on antidepressants for other a month now.  But why do I have this sick nervous anxiety feeling in my stomach?

There's been a lot of changes lately to adjust to. Getting engaged. Change in job hours/responsibilities. New medication.

Is your concern that he's cheating?

Hopefully you're planning on premarital counseling anyway.  Think about some couples counseling now, to adjust to all these changes.

[Kwothe28]

If he is on the meds, I would be surprised he has a will to live, let alone play "cutesie" with you or have an affair. Strong meds like that can literally make you a zombie. Wouldnt exclude anything, but think his will to go around having an affair while he is in the state like that, isnt really there. As you can see with his libido issues. He probably focuses to do the work, get some sleep and do more work. I would more be worried about that and what it does to him then him having an affair. 

[Batya33]

What is your career like? Are you happy with your career/job/trajectory if you want a promotion, etc? Have you gone yet to any of his work events and met this woman? When is your wedding date?

[Lpritchette]

15 hours ago, bluecastle said:

What’s the weird comment that she left on IG? I ask because everything else you’ve outlined strikes me as…pretty normal.

 

I really appreciate everyone’s feed back. 

For more context it’s food service- so he works with everyone there very closely,  teaching and helping and overseeing everything. He gets a lot of attention from everyone and gets a lot of publicity for it. Which is great for him. 

He posted a picture of himself one day and the comment this girl wrote was “master” with like a saluting emoji face. which I thought, okay weird thing to say? But whatever no big deal, he’s in charge he teaches people he knows his stuff-
But then she posts a picture of him, in her story, with a caption of a silly phrase he says all the time and it like rubbed me the wrong way and almost solidified in my gut that something is wrong. 
I always think the worst though, and have made up scenarios in my head from over thinking in the past- but is this just me over thinking or…

I don’t know if I think he’s having an affair per day as it’s more of, like,  exciting beautiful people at work clearly giving him attention stroking his ego & him liking it- liking the attention he’s getting (resharing that picture) then coming home to a “boring” future wife/life possibly losing interest and having that show and reflect in his actions. 

the medication is definitely changing his moods and attitudes. He has a pretty big/out there personality, it’s still like that but he’s less, manic I guess I would say. At times I would almost say “flat” in a way. He’s benefiting from this medication he doesn’t hit his lows like he used to. 

I’m doing my best to work through my own personal issues with the codependency. I realize I have an issue in need of correcting. I go to therapy myself (been on a hiatus lately because of work). I read books i do a little research here and there.
I like to joke that I’m the kind of person that thinks their s/o is mad at them because they put their shoes on angry or something 😂

I had recently had a huge change in my career as well right before he did, more hours more stress, different location but a raise which is great. I love what I do but my job is more “lonely” vs his. 

we both have had great changes in our careers, new meds to help, getting married in less than a year, I can’t tell if I’m self sabotaging or if his actions are suggesting possible failure for the future.. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Lpritchette said:

For more context it’s food service- so he works with everyone there very closely,  teaching and helping and overseeing everything. He gets a lot of attention from everyone and gets a lot of publicity for it. Which is great for him. 

So he's been in this industry for quite awhile.  Consider whether in the past you've had a thicker skin about stuff given the context -to sort of test whether you are overreacting now.  

[Lpritchette]

I suppose maybe I’m just over reacting and feeling jealous/insecure about the change in his actions, which is exacerbated by a coworker clearly showing him attention. 

I guess I put it into perspective of like, If I was working with a coworker, and he was an engaged man I wouldn’t be taking a picture of him, putting a funny quote on it, and then tagging him onto my social media story like that.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Lpritchette said:

I suppose maybe I’m just over reacting and feeling jealous/insecure about the change in his actions, which is exacerbated by a coworker clearly showing him attention. 

I guess I put it into perspective of like, If I was working with a coworker, and he was an engaged man I wouldn’t be taking a picture of him, putting a funny quote on it, and then tagging him onto my social media story like that.

Do you know she knows he is engaged?

[Lpritchette]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you know she knows he is engaged?

I’m all over his social media 🤦🏼‍♀️

she had liked photos from our engagement photoshoot. 

I can’t tell if I’m over reacting or being insecure. But both actions of hers  together rubs me the wrong way that he’s tolerating that- almost coming off that he’s enjoying it? It’s not that I’m not showing him attention or support, I always support him with his job and show it. I find the whole situation weird.
 

When I brought up my feelings on the subject he just made it seem like it’s not a bid deal- but it’s eating me up inside. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lpritchette said:

When I brought up my feelings on the subject he just made it seem like it’s not a bid deal- but it’s eating me up inside. 

It doesn't seem like this co-worker is a threat to your relationship and you may be a bit jealous if the female attention he's getting. Perhaps he stated it isn't "a big deal" because in his mind it isn't a threat or inappropriate.

Considering all the recent changes in both your jobs and his mental health meds and getting engaged, there is considerable stress.

Stress can lead to catastrophizing such as thinking a friendly coworker is a threat to the relationship.

Do you trust him? Have there been previous incidents of him flirting or being inappropriate? How was he before the change in his medication?

Please consider couples counseling. You two have a lot on your plates and the stress level from all the changes is clearly affecting you.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Lpritchette said:

I’m all over his social media 🤦🏼‍♀️

she had liked photos from our engagement photoshoot. 

I can’t tell if I’m over reacting or being insecure. But both actions of hers  together rubs me the wrong way that he’s tolerating that- almost coming off that he’s enjoying it? It’s not that I’m not showing him attention or support, I always support him with his job and show it. I find the whole situation weird.
 

When I brought up my feelings on the subject he just made it seem like it’s not a bid deal- but it’s eating me up inside. 

Maybe he's tolerating it because in his work environment and in his circumstances with his success/promotion he doesn't want to rock the boat.  I feel that way with social media and my work.  I am very selective about who I am FB friends with from work.  And I never post and never post photos!  But still.  I have two FB friends from work and the (female) spouse of another coworker.  My two FB friends are female, I like their photos and comment but plain vanilla. I am friendly with one socially (but less so since the pandemic time) and the other we chat privately about our sole common interest - books and typically reading historical fiction. Seriously I'm that careful and selective.  Because to me social media is a minefield when mixed with work. 

So in your husband's work is it more typical to be social media connected with colleagues? I'm just trying to get a sense of what the boundaries are. Honestly you can only control your fiancee -if you trust him then what she does is irrelevant and this seems really mild.  Brush it off like an annoying fly IMO.

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, Lpritchette said:

He posted a picture of himself one day and the comment this girl wrote was “master” with like a saluting emoji face. which I thought, okay weird thing to say?

I don't find this weird, given his role at work. 

18 hours ago, Lpritchette said:

But then she posts a picture of him, in her story, with a caption of a silly phrase he says all the time

 I do find this weird, though. Sounds like she's got a little crush on him. That doesn't make it mutual, though.

19 hours ago, Lpritchette said:

beautiful people at work clearly giving him attention stroking his ego & him liking it- liking the attention he’s getting (resharing that picture) then coming home to a “boring” future wife/life possibly losing interest

Would you be feeling this way if this one specific woman wasn't in the picture? 

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Considering all the recent changes in both your jobs and his mental health meds and getting engaged, there is considerable stress.

Stress can lead to catastrophizing such as thinking a friendly coworker is a threat to the relationship.

Do you trust him? Have there been previous incidents of him flirting or being inappropriate? How was he before the change in his medication?

I agree. I do think it's important to pay attention to your gut feelings. But stress has a way of distorting your perspective, at least temporarily. How did you feel before the promotion and the medication? Did you mistrust him then?

[smackie9]

Mom Talk: Now that you are planning to spend the rest of your life with this guy you may as well start communicating with him about his behaviour lately, but in a supporting way. Sitting around fretting and talking to strangers about it is not very fair to him now is it? How would you feel if he can't trust himself to talk to you about anything? Is that not hurtful? You both should feel if anything is concerning that you both can talk OPENLY about it. If you can't bring yourself to have a discussion with him, then I assure you your relationship, like the ones in your past are destined to fail. It all starts with good honest communication to build strength in your relationship. Go talk to him. It will definitely make you feel 100% better.

 

[Lpritchette]

On 2/12/2023 at 8:13 AM, MissCanuck said:

I don't find this weird, given his role at work. 

 I do find this weird, though. Sounds like she's got a little crush on him. That doesn't make it mutual, though.

Would you be feeling this way if this one specific woman wasn't in the picture? 

His role is to be very social media heavy and forward. I do trust him, he gets people in his DM’s CONSTANTLY especially now since the business put his Instagram tag on their very popular profile. 
 

I found it strange for her to be doing that as well, especially since it was so moving and such a big deal his own mother went to see it and posted about it herself. 
I do get it though- that industry everyone is very close but that was.. just everything together I agree is showing that she has a crush on him but being very forward about it and since he spends most of his time at work it’s making me feel some type of way I suppose. 
 

He just got my nickname tattooed on him- now just today, first day back to work from the weekend, this same woman just started following me on social media. 
I do follow and interact with a few of his coworkers here and there. 
But to answer that question- no, I wouldn’t be feeling this way if this woman wasn’t in the picture. People are giving him attention left and right and I know I trust him but the human nature in me is getting jealous and overthinking regarding this one co-worker. 
 

Before the promotion and medication we of course went through the waves of “it’s my job to be present on social media” “it’s my job to talk to people” “it’s my job to get my name out there” “I go to work I come home/almost if not all free time is spent together/ we share locations” etc etc. 

We have gone through some ups and downs regarding intimacy. I have never been one to be initiating so we had to get over that hurtle especially now since that medication is definitely taking its role on him but recently things have been fine with that. We talked it out. 

Now the bad part about this- when I verbalize my feelings of jealously or upset regarding anything work related or my insecurities with anything- I would say 8/10 times he will “freak” out. Get frustrated and fed up and not talk things through.  At first throughout our relationship I thought me verbalizing my concerns and him reacting so largely to this was a sign of guilt or something but it’s apparently just frustration. To him- he does so much for me, spends all free time with me, then for me to bring up my feelings of him possibly cheating/ doing something wrong it’s an insult to him. 
 

I really do appreciate all this feedback.