Male coworker and personal space.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, zomboidcharm said:

Not wrapped around. I would've 100% reacted to that. Legs either side of me so yes, I ended up sitting between them. Like < - 

My brother is a tall man. He and I were sitting across from one another at a cafe last weekend. He had one foot on one side of my chair and the other foot on the other side of my chair. If I wanted to be super nit picky I could say I was sitting between his legs.  But since he was the width of the table away from me there was no physical contact.

How close between his legs did he place you? Were your bodies making contact at any point other than feet/ankles? Did your back or behind make contact with his body? And did he deliberately pull you into this position? 

[Cherylyn]

If you're uncomfortable and it's awkward with this guy, avoid him.  You can still remain polite and well mannered but learn how to keep your physical distance from him.  I've done this with lots of men.  I don't like to be too close to men in general.  We have respectful spacing.  With some other men, the space is greater and everyone is fine. 

You can't control what others do.  All you can do is readjust and make yourself feel safer and protected by enforcing considerate and respectful space.  It's not uncommon and happens frequently in society.

[mylolita]

OP,

I suspect your coworker likes you, and finds you attractive. I doubt he was uncomfortable, more like trying to flirt with you and see how you reacted.

 

We’ve all been caught off guard before or missed the mark socially, it’s okay, it happens, we’re all human. You hugged him because in that split second you didn’t know how to react. It’s really no big deal.

 

Everyones work environments are different. I used to work in a legal office and day drinking and evening drinking was very common, and entertaining clients and schmoozing them with dinner was very common too. People worked long hours away from spouses and girlfriends and things got out of hand (not me personally but, with other barristers and their secretaries etc). 
 

I was married when I worked there and was friendly with everyone but there was a younger lawyer who I got along with. He had a finance and we would go out a few times as a couple, we got on with them. He lived quite far away from our office and we’d all gone out for drinks one evening. My husband was working away, but he said “Why don’t you just offer Colin to stay in the spare room and Gemma can pick him up in the morning if he’s too hung over?” (It was that friendly and innocent that my own husband would suggest this guy could stay over, they were friends too.)

 

Anyway, this voice in the back of my head told me it was crossing a mark, and that Gemma or my husband should have been there. But we got in (at the time I lived on the high street where the bar was we had been too) and he got flirty and tried to kiss me. Woah. I was clear, no way. I should have told him to get out but instead I said something like don’t ever try that again and I locked my bedroom door then dragged a heavy piece of antique furniture in front of the door! He was gone by the time I woke up but I was pretty mortified for the next couple of working weeks. 
 

So not handled well, and we hardly spoke after that, and I didn’t tell my husband or he would have killed him(!) but, Y’know, when the work place environment is friendly, drinks get involved? It can get blurred. 
 

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with getting involved with a coworker, but you have to imagine the worst case scenario (you split, lose your job because of it, office embarrassment and gossip etc etc) and be okay with it. 
 

If you’re uncomfortable with his flirting, next time take him respectfully to one side and be nice but clear and tell him you’re sorry he has the wrong impression but you two are just coworkers and nothing more. Most men would get the hint and not go on trying after you make it clear. If he does, you could lodge a complaint if it gets into harassment territory but, you’re not at that bridge yet.

 

x

 

 

[Cherylyn]

During my graveyard shift years when I was a teenager, my supervisor would put his paws on me and massage my shoulders! 😡  So gross.  I had to let him know to back off, keep his hands to himself and every time he approached me, I'd get up from my chair and back away.  It didn't take long for him to get my message loud and clear. 

I've had guys try to get too close and I did whatever it took for them not to repeat and respect my enforced spacing.

 

[boltnrun]

I don't see where he flirted or got too close. He sat with his legs stretched out. He allegedly looked at the OP's butt. And she reacted by giving him a hug.

Generally if I don't like the way someone is interacting with me I do not offer to give them a hug and I certainly wouldn't go through with hugging them.

It would be difficult for this man to conclude the OP doesn't want any contact with him when she offers and follows through with hugging him. 

[Cherylyn]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

Generally if I don't like the way someone is interacting with me I do not offer to give them a hug and I certainly wouldn't go through with hugging them.

It would be difficult for this man to conclude the OP doesn't want any contact with him when she offers and follows through with hugging him. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Yes, @boltnrun.  Never give mixed signals by hugging because you're confusing.  You want respectful space yet you hug.  Don't do that.  Use your non-verbal communication.  If you want respectful spacing, act like it which means you back off, no hugging, etc.  It starts with YOU. 

[Jaunty]

Behave the way you want others to behave towards you.  If you don't want physical stuff, do not touch the guy.  If you don't want him to act flirtatious with you, cut out the "banter" in your chats.   Be aware, though, that it seem like there is some kind of undercurrent that is coming from you.  You were all in with him "fitting in with your madness" before you met.  I believe he's probably trying his best to fit in with the in-person get togethers. 

It's probably quite awkward to be a new person in this situation.  i can't even imagine it. You're working remotely, yet hang out drinking and being physically affectionate with one another all the time.   It sounds pretty weird.   Many of us who worked remotely because of COVID and perhaps still do ended up getting some social issues over it - tech people especially.  This guy is probably one of those.  And now he's thrown in with a group of 24 hour party people who are his new workmates.  

He'll figure it out.  In the meanwhile. be fair.

 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, since we're taking about a work colleague, I tend to seek the simplest way of viewing things, and I pick the easiest solutions possible. I need to work with these people for the long haul, so I don't do drama.

In this case? I felt a bit claustrophobic around new guy. He might be clumsy trying to mimic the closeness we've all modeled for him--whatever. I'll own that and make a note to self to keep physically distanced from the guy going forward.

If that means switching chairs or changing my standing position at times, then, oh well and no big deal.

What I WON'T do is burn a bridge with a new colleague over something that I can manage on my own with a few sidesteps.

[Jibralta]

On 2/6/2023 at 9:18 AM, zomboidcharm said:

Though I AM worried it might give the wrong impression to the rest of our team. 

I think you need to take a little more time before making a call on what's going on with this guy. Next time you are out, stay a little further away from him and watch what is going on from a distance.