Long term BF of 6 years disappearing without a trace.

[Notmi]

 

 

I was involved with a guy at 18  who turned out to be incredibly toxic and abusive. I was physically and mentally abused to the point that I was afraid for my life for 4 years not able to run away with no friends and help (he cut me off from everyone).

After he left me for another woman (the irony and the best thing that happened to me also) and I was finally free I tried my best to recover what was lost make a friend group and fall in love again. I met a guy (lets call him X) shortly after and I fell hard made some friends but it did not last long. He was narsicistic but bc of my traumatic past I could not recognize the red flags and thought that I am lucky and this is how it is supposed to be. I finished uni I moved back to my home town he promised me to move together to another country (better economy and jobs etc) and I literally paused my life never found a real job and friends so I wont have to cut everything as soon as I left. Ofcourse he did not deliver. He pushed the dates of leaving as much and after 6 years of being together (the last 1-2 on and off due to distance) he ghosted me. He disappeared (this was one year ago). Blocked me from everything. We were supposed to leave in the summer of 2022 I even ended my lease for my house. The month that he did that I lost my cat and my favourite aunt. I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I had no idea where he was and after non stop calling and messaging for 2 weeks I stopped. I did not want to search for him at his friends i think it is too invasive. The pain was unbearable. I was crying myself to sleep every night to the point that I lost my job. After a couple of months I hear from mutual friends that he did indeed move there and he was with another girl...

So I was left with nothing.

Trying to recover find new job and house to live in etc was the hardest thing I have done. Everything that has to do with him triggers me a panic attack. I have even cut off all of our mutual friends. I am very angry and sad. I see him in my dreams every night. I wake up in agony. I feel devastated and empty. I know that he was toxic and that I am lucky not to have made such a huge step with him but his happiness leaves me bitter.  

I have been dating casually a nice guy last month but I am not yet ready. I cannot have sex and I panic even with hugs. I still need time. 

How does someone cope with this? Has this ever happened to any of you?

[smackie9]

It's grief and PTSD you are dealing with. You have been through a lot. Is there any way to receive some counseling? Sometimes one on one in person discussions to vent, cry and heal is the best way to help you move forward/adjust. 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Notmi said:

I have been dating casually a nice guy last month but I am not yet ready. I cannot have sex and I panic even with hugs. I still need time. 

Take your time. There's no rush. Be alone for a while. Focus on your home. Make it someplace that you feel safe and comfortable in. Surround yourself with positive people who support you. Cut all of the negativity out of your life.

[1a1a]

Counselling for sure. Also read the book He’s scared, She’s scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. 
 

People with an avoidant attachment style are known for just up and vanishing on well established relationships. For the person being left this is a cruel and traumatic way to end things. It might help to see that in text and feel seen/validated. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, 1a1a said:

Counselling for sure. Also read the book He’s scared, She’s scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. 
 

People with an avoidant attachment style are known for just up and vanishing on well established relationships. For the person being left this is a cruel and traumatic way to end things. It might help to see that in text and feel seen/validated. 

Seems to me this has nothing to do with styles -two people in a very unhealthy relationship/interaction/dynamic with a not surprising continuation of the drama given that he kept stalling and not keeping his promises.  I think she will feel better about things when she gets help to figure out why she stayed around and put her life on hold.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Notmi said:

I have been dating casually a nice guy last month but I am not yet ready. I cannot have sex and I panic even with hugs. I still need time. 

 

Well, yes, you still havent goten over the last one. Even though he literally ghosted you. "Old school style" by literally changing adress and dissapearing. If you want to date you need to heal first. Come to the acceptance that its over and forgive. So you could not be burdened by past and be ready for the future love. If you are from some reason unable to fo that, I would suggest therapy. So you could get over the the trauma and even maybe work on yourself so you wouldnt make similar choices in the future.

[catfeeder]

On 2/3/2023 at 4:32 PM, Notmi said:

I literally paused my life never found a real job and friends so I wont have to cut everything as soon as I left.

Where do you stand on these aspects of your life today?