Potential overseas romance advice, should I keep trying or is it over?

[psycho magnet]

Wow it's been so long since I've been on here it's kind of incredible to think about. I've been through a marriage, short relationships, dating.... so much experience and yet I find myself back here again running into more problems with women. Such is life I guess. 

I am spending three months in a Spanish speaking country to improve my Spanish on my Sabbatical (I'm a professor), and I met a woman here (let's call her Mary). At first we hung out together with another group of people. It was a lot of fun, we went to a few different bars. And I asked for her number and she put it in my phone. We talked here in there and she seemed interested in my research, she has an MA in a subject similar to mine. All of us talked about going to the beach together on Sunday (this was Friday).

We texted a bit Saturday about the plans for the beach more. When Sunday morning arrived I slept in a bit too much (unintentionally) and missed the main ride to the beach (with other people). But she texted me saying she and I could go together. Long story short, it ended up being too late for the beach for us, but we decided to hang out that evening instead. I suggested dinner and she said she wanted to go to a museum first. We did both and more. Long story short again, I felt like it was a pretty incredible night and she at least seemed to think so at the time. I have enough experience with women to know some of the signs of apparent interest: she was flirtatious, laughing a lot at dumb jokes I made, twirled her hair, etc. But also there was never an awkward moment. She asked me a lot of questions about my career and life and it was give and take: I asked her questions too and didn't talk her ear off or anything. Bonus is that we spoke Spanish the whole time and her level of fluency (she's American too) is on par with mine.

The setting was also incredible. At one point we were on a rooftop bar watching the sunset, at another point we walked to a park where there was a concert and even danced together. We drank at the same pace and admitted to being a bit drunk at the end. I considered kissing her when we said goodbye but opted for a hug and telling her it'd be nice to do it again (after all, it wasn't even really a date that was supposed to happen, it just sorta did). She said yes and told me to text her when I got home. I did and she texted back happily.

But then the next day... which is today. I texted her about 1pm with a little inside joke we had shared, something with minimal pressure for a response. She texted back a couple of hours later positively. But I was in a 4 hour class so could not text her back until about 7pm when it was over. She had asked me about the class so I told her it was great but tiring (true) and that I was gonna go home and rest. Then I asked her what she's doing tomorrow.

She hasn't texted me back still (it's almost midnight) and it seems she's likely to more or less ignore my text until tomorrow, if she responds back at all. Now to be fair, we both talked about having some minor reception problems with our phones (which is true)... but at the same time, not texting someone back for that long is usually a sign that you're not very high on their priority list and she should have been able to get reception within that frame.

I understand that attraction can be an on/off switch. So maybe she was into me briefly, but then it clicked off for whatever reason. Maybe the chemistry wasn't as great as I thought in the first place. 

My question is, do you think I could possibly still have a chance or should I give it up? Even if she texts me back casually tomorrow, my guess is that that's all she wrote (pun intended): when you like someone, you usually stay in contact. That is, unless she says something like, "Oh I'm so sorry I had no reception at all last night!"

I could just stop communicating with her, or I could give it a few days and try one more time to hang out again.

 

[Kwothe28]

In my experience its pointless to ask why something happened when the truth is that nobody knows but her. Maybe the attraction wasnt there in the first place, maybe it was but after the date she saw that it wasnt, maybe she was put off because you didnt kissed her at the end, maybe she has other prospects and another date next day etc. See how many options are there? Many off them are not even because of you and many of them are just dumb. Sometimes you will say one wrong thing or be misunderstood and that is it. So its pointless to ask what has gone wrong as it could literally be a lot of things.

The only thing that matters is that she is "wishy washy" now. I wouldnt give her the excuses like "bad reception", if she cared, she would text you timely and arrange to see you. But she, from some reason, wont. That is literally the only thing you should know now. Being that you already asked her what she is doing tomorrow, its up to her to respond. But being that she is like that, I wouldnt expect anything more then and think this is just "one and done" thing. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

  could not text her back until about 7pm when it was over.  I was gonna go home and rest. Then I asked her what she's doing tomorrow.She hasn't texted me back still 

You could wait until she texts. After all when she asked about your class, your response was "you're tired and going home and resting", so maybe she didn't want to disturb you. You're the one who shut down communication, so you could also try texting her tomorrow and setting up a date.

[Batya33]

I would ask her out again. For all you know she came home to a message from an ex or someone else she was pursuing to date.  Or as Wiseman said -just ask her out again and then you'll know.

[psycho magnet]

Thanks I appreciate it. I overanalyzed it for sure. And it's true that from her perspective I didn't text her for like four hours and then said I was tired and going home. Plus, she seems a bit spontaneous so asking her "what you doing tomorrow?" probably wasn't the best approach.

But good news! She hadn't texted me back until today about 2pm, so I texted her something that more or less said (in Spanish so the translation isn't perfect): "No worries, just let me know if you want to go to a dance class or grab a drink when you're free and want company." Takes off the pressure off her and makes me feel like less of a chump for continuing to ask her to do something.

But this time she answered me right away and asked me if I wanted to go to a local brewery tonight, though she did also say she's gonna see if her friend wants to go (someone I know too and whom we've hung out with before), but also said that either way she wants to go.

I still don't really know what the deal is I guess, but I think now it's worth giving it a few more shots.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, psycho magnet said:

 asked me if I wanted to go to a local brewery tonight, 

Go and don't overanalyze it. She's asking you out. If you shut her down again, she'll give up.

[psycho magnet]

You're right Wiseman, and I told her I wanted to go. Then like an hour later, she texted to say she had to go to the airport. I said no worries but I hope she's not leaving the city. Then like three hours later she texted me back to say that she's leaving in a few weeks (I guess she was buying a ticket at the airport??). Then she said she doesn't want to stay out too late tonight but might go out for one drink with a friend (another woman, but different than the one I mentioned before whom I know) around 9:30pm. She said I could join them if I wanted.

I told her, more or less, "girl you crazy!" in a playful tone and told her I'm already doing something else (true), and that maybe next time would be better.

I don't know, she seems all over the place and now I am the one starting to lose interest. I think I've made my intentions fairly clear and am not interested in playing too many games. I'm gonna be here for three months still, so I can meet other people.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

 told her I'm already doing something else (true), and that maybe next time would be better.

I don't know, she seems all over the place and now I am the one starting to lose interest

Yes unfortunately you do seem to be losing interest because you keep avoiding her and being too tired or busy or whatever. That's ok maybe her spontaneity is not a good fit for you.

[Batya33]

She seems really flaky.  I wouldn't bother.  I'm sorry!

[psycho magnet]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes unfortunately you do seem to be losing interest because you keep avoiding her and being too tired or busy or whatever. That's ok maybe her spontaneity is not a good fit for you.

Ok but I wasn't busy at first and told her I wanted to hang out, not only that but I got right back to her enthusiastically and said it sounded really fun. It would most likely have been us two at the brewery for the whole night. But then she goes to the airport, doesn't tell me why, and gets back to me hours later when the night is already basically over? Plus she tells me that now, she's with another friend and I can join them if I want? That's a bit more cold that inviting me directly, or even saying it would be cool if you came or something like that. Plus (!) she says she's only gonna have one drink (maybe) and go back home pretty quick. 

This seems less like spontaneity and more like flakiness, as Batya says. I don't think I was avoiding her since I told her I wanted to hang and waited several hours for her, it was only when I thought she wasn't gonna get back to me that I did something else. 

That said, I am gonna give it a day or two and try one more time because she did reply to my last text later last night. This time I'm gonna be spontaneous and ask her to join just right before I'm about to do something.

[psycho magnet]

Also serious question: if as a man you jump at a woman's every whim, won't they start to take you for granted and possibly put you in the friend zone? Won't it take away the mystery? Can't it make you seem desperate if you're always available regardless of the circumstances?

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, psycho magnet said:

Also serious question: if as a man you jump at a woman's every whim, won't they start to take you for granted and possibly put you in the friend zone? Won't it take away the mystery? Can't it make you seem desperate if you're always available regardless of the circumstances?

If you are a "coat hangar", yes. People dont appreciate other people who would bend how they command them. It would mean that you are "spineless" and they can use you how they want. As one of my friends said nicely "You need to be there, but simultaneously not be there". Meaning to at least appear to be busy and not allow people to use you in that way. Because if they see that they can do it, they sadly most probably will.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, psycho magnet said:

Also serious question: if as a man you jump at a woman's every whim, won't they start to take you for granted and possibly put you in the friend zone? Won't it take away the mystery? Can't it make you seem desperate if you're always available regardless of the circumstances?

If as a person you do this -people will treat you disrespectfully and or be turned off -you teach people how to treat you.  Not a gender thing.  I wouldn't want to friend zone a doormat -why would I want a friend who acts like a doormat? 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

Also serious question: if as a man you jump at a woman's every whim, won't they start to take you for granted and possibly put you in the friend zone? Won't it take away the mystery? Can't it make you seem desperate if you're always available regardless of the circumstances?

Yes, I think you're right, and you're handling this well. I liked your followup to her lack of reply with a nice casual-sounding message, and you're smart not to jump through hoops if someone goes chaotic.

Head high.

[psycho magnet]

Thanks y'all. All good points. Didn't mention to gender it, the dynamic can definitely work both ways.

[psycho magnet]

So I met another woman down here where I am living for several months, and I’m keeping it on the same thread since it’s the same overall trip. First of all, this new woman is way more my type and, frankly, hotter than the last one I was talking about in this thread – which obviously makes me feel good. But as always I am still seeking advice.

The first weekend we met up we had a great time – nice dinner, talked for several hours, etc. But nothing happened besides a hug at the end. During the next week I think I texted her once, and she replied, but I was just assuming it wouldn’t really go anywhere and she wasn’t that interested. But then she texted me that Friday to ask what I was doing. I said I was hanging out with some other friends from the school I was studying at (true), but that we could meet after. She didn’t get back to me. The next day she apologized, and I said don’t worry about it.

Then, the next Tuesday I thought of her and sent a “feeler” text asking if she wanted to try to meet up again this week and try again. This time she said yes, much more enthusiastically. I organized a nice dinner at a popular restaurant, and we met up on Thursday night. It went pretty well. After the dinner, I told her I had a place we could go back to, but she wanted to go to another bar first. We did, and then I reminded her again that we could go back to my place (in a very nonthreatening way), and she indicated interest. We took an uber back to my place and hooked up. But it was more than just a hook up: we talked for several hours first, she told me she felt comfortable around me, we cuddled, and she ended up staying the night in my bed – leaving in the morning around 9pm for work. She told me that it was difficult for her to initially feel comfort with someone since her ex husband she’d been with for like 8 years. I made the first move. She even told me that she’d gone out with one other guy since we met and it was super awkward and that it was way better with me.

Since then it’s been a bit over a week. I texted her the next day after we hooked up with flirtatious, intimate stuff. She was responsive but also said she was hurting at work for being so drunk the night before with me – and to be clear I’m on my sabbatical so have a lot of free time, but she is a child psychologist involved pretty intimately with her work. Based on all we talked about, it genuinely seems like she is busy and has a demanding job.

Still I wished her well and left her alone for about four days. Then in the middle of the week I texted her to see how she was doing. She was still responsive, though she also told me how incredibly busy she is this week in particular and that she would have more time next week. She told me that she is changing offices and that in addition to her normal consultations with parents, etc., there is a bunch of logistical stuff to worry about.

Obviously I told her I feel for her, which I do, but I also added a few messages about giving her a massage to de-stress her (after all, we hooked up). She told me how good it sounded and how tempted she was to come over, but that she simply had too much work this week. We talked about going to the beach Saturday and she told me that she’d let me know if she could make it by Friday.

Although she is always responsive, I am usually the one who initiates contact. And she didn’t contact me Friday or Saturday about the beach and hasn’t contacted me this week yet.

My question is, should I just let it go at this point? Or try one more time to text her? She did say she’d have more time this week. But usually when someone rarely initiates contact it means that they’re not that interested or they’re keeping you around just in case. If it weren’t for the fact that we spent that night of physical and emotional intimacy together, I wouldn’t be concerned and would just move on.

I’m also asking for advice here because now that I’m in my early 40s, I’m much more attracted to more mature women in their 40s also, or 30s. She is 36, for example. If you look at my previous posts, you’ll see that I was in my 30s dating women in their early 20s who were often quite immature (an understatement). As someone who is not as accustomed to dating more mature women, am I missing something that I should know?

[Batya33]

I don't think this is age related -you both wanted casual sex -you made that quite clear - and you both were drunk or she was.  So you really didn't get to know her as a person -a sober person -before having sex with her.  She may have regretted that she had sex with you because she was drunk and gave into your pushiness.  Obviously she wanted to have sex at that moment but my sense is she regrets it and doesn't particularly want to hang out again.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

. She was responsive but also said she was hurting at work for being so drunk the night before with me –. She was still responsive, though she also told me how incredibly busy she is this week in particular and that she would have more time next week. 

She seems interested, but also seems to want to distance herself from the drunken hookup. All you can do is ask if she would like to go out again and take it a bit slower, especially with the " flirtatious, intimate" texts. 

[boltnrun]

Sending "flirtatious, intimate" texts indicates you are primarily interested in sex. If you truly like her and see her as having dating potential, stop with the "flirtatious, intimate" texts and invitations to come over for a "massage" (wink wink).

I suggest you ask her out on an actual date. If she says yes and you go out, don't ask her multiple times to go back to your place. Let her take the lead. And stop with the excessive drinking. You can't get to know someone if you're plowed.

If you just see her as hookup material then just invite her over for a "massage". She'll either be down or she won't.

[psycho magnet]

Thanks, all makes sense. I understand now how she could think I only want to hook up. I genuinely want more, I really like her and had a great time. And yes it was a drunken hookup but we had also gone on that first date that only involved only one light drink and three hours of great conversation. Also I've only had a couple of drunk hookups in my life before, and they were full-blown one night stands where I also wasn't interested in seeing the person again. As mentioned, in this case we had a previous date and talked a lot even before hooking up.

Still, I get it. I sent her a text today apologizing if I came off too strong and telling her that I am just interested in spending more time with her, whatever happens. I told her I understand if she feels differently now, but that if she's free this weekend it would be great to hang out again. It's all the truth.

[boltnrun]

43 minutes ago, psycho magnet said:

if she's free this weekend it would be great to hang out again.

That sounds like you just want another hookup. Why didn't you ask her out on a date?

[Wonderstruck]

15 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

First of all, this new woman is way more my type and, frankly, hotter than the last one I was talking about in this thread – which obviously makes me feel good.

This makes you sound kind of smarmy.

 

15 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

After the dinner, I told her I had a place we could go back to, but she wanted to go to another bar first. We did, and then I reminded her again that we could go back to my place (in a very nonthreatening way), and she indicated interest.

Why did you keep trying to get her to go back to your place on the SECOND DATE?

Also, the fact that you had to specify "in a very non-threatening way" is a red flag. Especially after admitting that you "reminded" her a second time.

You sound really pushy.

 

16 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

I texted her the next day after we hooked up with flirtatious, intimate stuff.

Why should she believe that you have genuine feelings for her when you pull stuff like this?

 

16 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

Obviously I told her I feel for her, which I do, but I also added a few messages about giving her a massage to de-stress her (after all, we hooked up).

Ew, just stop.

[Batya33]

Agree totally with Bolt -you've basically told her again you see her as a hang out kind of situation.  Why?

[Andrina]

You're only there temporarily. Do you expect a woman to want to enter a high risk LDR, and if it actually worked out, she'd have to uproot from her successful career and leave her family and friends?

Sounds to me like you're a passing dalliance to her. Why should she put in effort for something casual?