Guy (30F) that I'm seeing (29F) and I had an awkward conversation about what we want and he made weird jokes about it, I'm anxious now

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Larissa1443 said:

What's weird is that, he messaged me today and is still chatting to me, asking me questions etc.

That's not weird. He knows you will have sex with him any way he wants it, so of course he will try to keep you on the hook. 

This is how players operate, Larissa. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, you explained yourself just fine the first time. He understood. 

However, I don't think he's on the same page. He's right that it's only been a few dates but he was rude about it. 

And this? No, no, no. Get rid of this guy. He isn't considerate or gentlemanly. If he is going to make a move like that, he needs to communicate with you very clearly before and see where your boundaries are and what your comfort level is. This person is not a keeper and I would not wait around for him to text me again. Red flags all over this. 

I agree.  He reacted as if you were proposing and it was an overreaction -maybe he was confused because you chose to have sex right away with no commitment and then after you're having "the talk" -maybe next time have the talk before having sex since you seem to get very attached?  Did you feel more attached after having sex? 

Also next time no need to tell a new person what "other guys" have done as far as introducing you to family, etc - that kind of airs baggage/TMI and no one wants to be compared to some past boyfriend they don't even know.  [I was introduced to parents early on by men who simply wanted to play all couply right away but actually didn't see serious potential with me or were just desperate to get married to anyone]

Having said all that he overreacted and was very rude and vulgar.  

I get you don't want to be "played" -but no need to reveal that to future dates -simply state the facts "I am looking for a potentially serious relationship."  No one wants to venture into territory where they have to walk on eggshells so their new date won't put them in the category of "trying to play me" -let the guy be innocent till proven guilty.  And don't play around with yourself - be clear with yourself if the fun and excitement of casual sex is worth getting more emotionally attached. I'm very sorry you were treated this way. Good luck!!

[Lambert]

Please get tested and dump this guy.  He is not good for you at all.

I understand it is hard to find a good catch, but you can't make a bad catch a good one.  If you go to the store to buy a red sweater, you can't buy a blue one and expect it be red when you get it home.

He is showing you exactly what your life with him will be like-- all on his terms.  It's very dangerous to have sex with strangers without using a condom.  Make a pledge to yourself that you will not allow this to happen again and keep it.  I hope you get away from this guy.  He's a loser.  

Don't lower your standards because it's been a lot of duds lately.  All that will do is ensure you are with a loser.  

[Larissa1443]

Yeah to be fair I have been single for more than 3 years now with short relationships here and there, but the past year specifically has been such a sh*tshow in regards to dating where I couldn't even get past the first or second date, or they'd be inconsistent, or ghost that when this guy was being consistent, texting me daily, setting up dates I was like "oh ok, this is cool". Plus we had chemistry and lots of laughs, like we really did get along so I didn't want him to stop pursuing me.

We texted back and forth yesterday and sometimes I think he's "too nice" to end things and stopped replying when there was nothing else to say so we wouldn't end on bad terms, and although I am sad, I have been chatting to this person for an entire month, I've thought of how a confident woman would deal with this and surely she wouldn't be chasing the guy or given him the feeling that I'll always be there no matter what. 

I've decided to not text him anymore and move on. I'm glad I brought this topic early on as we'd probably go on a couple more dates only for me to get the same results. I'm feeling less anxious today as well which is good. If he does reach out, I'll let him know the things he said hurt my feelings and I'm not okay to continue if that's how he sees me, but I doubt he will... I just don't understand how some men have the energy to start over and over again with different women when they start setting boundaries, like... what's the fun in that? I'll never understand. 

[Batya33]

I think a confident woman wouldn't have spent all that time chatting to someone she just met and would have gotten to know him on dates he planned in public in advance.  I know it's tough out there -I dated on and off for 24 years - but please don't lower your standards.

[Larissa1443]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I think a confident woman wouldn't have spent all that time chatting to someone she just met and would have gotten to know him on dates he planned in public in advance.

True! But to be fair, I think texting is a good way to get to know someone as in, their life routine etc. I also feel like if a guy doesn't text me consistently, they're not interested. However, I think I'm naive sometimes when it comes to dating, I think that if a guy is planning dates and talking to me all the time is because he wants something more lol I'm still not sure how to navigate dating. I feel like when I was younger it was much easier and I'd have deeper and more meaningful relationships than now with 29 and dating 30something guys. So weird

[boltnrun]

A guy who insists on unprotected sex or who wants certain sexual acts without checking first if it's OK with you is not a guy who cares about your feelings.

Even if it's been a while, you don't need to lower your standards.

[boltnrun]

PS: please see your doctor or a clinic for a full STD workup including blood work. Just because he so poetically said he's not "banging" anyone else doesn't mean he wasn't lying to keep you giving him unprotected sex. 

[Larissa1443]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

A guy who insists on unprotected sex or who wants certain sexual acts without checking first if it's OK with you is not a guy who cares about your feelings.

Even if it's been a while, you don't need to lower your standards.

Getting to that conclusion and realising you still went on 3 more dates with the guy. Oh boy... I'm such an idiot sometimes haha

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

True! But to be fair, I think texting is a good way to get to know someone as in, their life routine etc. I also feel like if a guy doesn't text me consistently, they're not interested. However, I think I'm naive sometimes when it comes to dating, I think that if a guy is planning dates and talking to me all the time is because he wants something more lol I'm still not sure how to navigate dating. I feel like when I was younger it was much easier and I'd have deeper and more meaningful relationships than now with 29 and dating 30something guys. So weird

I disagree with dating -let a man get to know you over a period of time - little by little -not your daily routine right away - that's too chummy/buddy/wifey.  It's good to have new things to discover over time and miss each other and speak rather than type.  A man is interested if he asks you out on dates he plans in advance around once a week to start.  

But -I never texted when I dated.  I didn't have a cell phone till 2009 when I was in my third trimester and married.  We emailed but I refused to instant message or email constantly with a new person especially because typing can be misunderstood and I didn't need him to know where I was all the time or the minutae of my life I shared with my closest friends, my mom, my sister.  Men had to step up to the plate and ask me out on dates if they wanted to get to know me or call me on the phone.  I also didn't have long phone calls unless we already had another date planned.  It was different once we were serious.

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

Getting to that conclusion and realising you still went on 3 more dates with the guy. Oh boy... I'm such an idiot sometimes haha

No need to call yourself names.

The best thing is you won't do this anymore.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

A guy who insists on unprotected sex or who wants certain sexual acts without checking first if it's OK with you is not a guy who cares about your feelings.

I was coming to write the same thing. 

This is not a nice guy, OP. At all.  I wouldn't have given this person the time of day after he pressured for unprotected sex, frankly. It would have been all over right there. 

[Larissa1443]

Yeah I just had this good cry in the shower. Not because of this guy, but because I feel like I am always on fight or flight mode when dating. Especially if I like them. "Are they gonna text me?" "Are we gonna go on another date?". And the fact that I can never trust if the person is asking how my day was because they care or because they want to have sex with you. I can never know if they're being nice because they're nice or because they like me. I can never tell if the way they show interest in my life is because they want to get to know me or if it's because they're just making conversation. 

I can never fully BE and just let it flow naturally because I have to be continuously suspicious with what the guys intentions are. And then, when they spend everyday talking to you, planning dates etc like this guy, they act shocked when you start developing feelings for them. 

I could tell this guy already had some red flags and incompatibility especially in terms of communication, but at the same time, we hit it off and I had so much fun with him. Lots and lots of laughs, conversations never ended. I feel stupid because my phone received a message when I was in the shower and deep down I was wishing it was him. Obviously wasn't. 

I think I'm just gonna take a break from dating. It's quite taking a toll on me going out with guys who never seem to find me interesting enough to get to know me better. No matter how much healing and inner work I do, no matter how much I find myself good enough, there'll always be a guy I'm into who won't see any of that and I'm so damn exhausted of sticking around and trying to "prove it". I just don't go after them and it's a very lonely feeling. 

I just wish I was as lucky as those people who literally go on one or two dates and find their person. I'm here on my 329247th date and nothing. It's exhausting. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Larissa1443 said:

Especially if I like them. "Are they gonna text me?" "Are we gonna go on another date?". And the fact that I can never trust if the person is asking how my day was because they care or because they want to have sex with you. I can never know if they're being nice because they're nice or because they like me. I can never tell if the way they show interest in my life is because they want to get to know me or if it's because they're just making conversation. 

I never let it "flow naturally" -what does that even mean with dating lol.  What a tall order that would be- trying to convince yourself not to "wait" for a call or read into the emoji he offers you, etc.

Here's what I did -unless we had a time/place plan for another date, there was no other date -this was not negative but reality - realistically without a plan there is no plan.  I then moved on with my life and if/when he called and asked me out (or if I decided -which I so rarely did/had to with men who were genuinely interested) and I was still interested and available we went out again. 

Each date was the last till we were more serious/had an understanding.  I did not give a man the privilege of chatting with me if we didn't have a time/place plan for another date.  If he called me and didn't ask me out I'd keep future contact very brief unless he had a real reason like "I am going away on business this week and I'm not sure if I'm back Saturday or Sunday so can I call you when I'm back and we'll see when we can meet?  My future husband made a plan to see me two weeks in advance because he was going out of town.  

This way I didn't have to read into "signs" of "interest" - a person who is interested in dating you will ask you out on a date he plans in advance or accept your invitation for a date with enthusiasm and will likely want to plan the next date sooner rather than later.  A person who finds you attractive/sexy might show signs he finds you attractive and sexy but it doesn't mean he wants to date you in person or meet you in person.  

I let it flow naturally -the it being my life - it kept flowing after the date which was the last date unless there was another time/place plan for another date.

I've been trying to make new friends in the city I moved to 14 years ago after 43 years in another city.  Just friends.  Many people over the years have expressed enthusiasm about meeting me in person or meeting me again after we met at a shared activity.  Many of those people -if you then say "ok how about ____ or is another time better for you?" react with either silence or lame tentative stuff.  If it's tentative I'll put the ball in their court "ok let me know when you know and we'll make a plan!". 

The ones who really want to meet -follow up.  The others may have had some mild interest in hanging out/getting to know me but very obviously not much because it's all in watching the feet -what the person does -not the lips.  Now some of those people circled back months later and explained about stuff that had been going on and once in awhile we actually do meet but my default is that if the person isn't willing to make an actual plan the enthusiasm is not a sign of interest in meeting.  

You can take a forever break -there's no need to date.  But there's never a need to prove yourself.  Show up, look nice, be nice and keep up 50% of the conversation.  Make a good impression but not trying to "prove." It's also so transparent and off putting. And once you "relax" you risk the person not recognizing you and feeling duped if you were "proving" that you were X and Y and you're really not.

  I wasn't lucky in dating - I was out there in the trenches for many years and I had to become the right person to find the right person.  Had I not wanted marriage and family so badly -a happy marriage! - it would not have been worth it.  At all.  One reason my husband and I reconnected in the summer of 2005 after being broken up for almost 8 years was because our first platonic catch up dinner ended up being last minute and the day after a really really awful date followed by harassing emails from said date that very morning.  I knew my ex fiancee would not want to hear about my dating life and that was a relief lol.  I was not dressed for a date.  I didn't have all my date makeup with me.  He- was late- because he went to a restaurant with the exact same name-wrong restaurant.  My husband tends to sweat a lot and it was hot out. He showed up shiny faced/sweaty and late and I was wearing one of those "shell" tops women used to wear under suit jackets when we had to dress that way for work.  It was old.  My hair was likely not loving the humidity. 

And  - shockingly -sparks flew.  Which we both ignored for the next month until our third meeting 5 weeks later.  I tried to prove nothing.  We talked about how the antics of our smug married friends in the burbs with their unsigned holiday cards with the braggy family photos, caught up about our mutual friends, talked about where he was living for the summer and our work a bit.  And he made me share his chocolate pudding.  The end.  I never ever felt I had to prove myself to him and I never ever wanted him to prove himself- I dressed up for platonic dates 2 and 3 for sure - - show up look nice/be nice - but don't you want someone you feel at home with? 

Do take a break from dating -I'm sorry you have such a negative view of it -hopefully my perspective will give you something to think about.  Had I let myself get jaded and bitter like you I simply wouldn't be married now, I'm sure of it.  No guarantees but I wouldn't have been a person who would be someone fun to hang out with/desirable.  I avoided long term jaded stuff (meaning temporarily after a really bad date, sure) - by approaching it as I described.  It worked for me is all I can say.

[MissCanuck]

You can be sure that a man who pushes for unprotected sex AND sex acts you are not comfortable with should be immediately discounted for a second date. 

You need to sharpen up your filter. That is part of the problem. You’re not seeing the immediate and huge red flags for what they are, and instead continuing to go out with guys like this who show you right away they are NOT boyfriend material. 

[Larissa1443]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

Here's what I did -unless we had a time/place plan for another date, there was no other date -this was not negative but reality - realistically without a plan there is no plan.  I then moved on with my life and if/when he called and asked me out (or if I decided -which I so rarely did/had to with men who were genuinely interested) and I was still interested and available we went out again. 

This is such a great way of looking at it! And as someone who is highly anxious, it helps a lot with handling the whole stressful guessing part. 

With this guy, on our third date he laughed saying of course we're still gonna see each other and that he really liked hanging out with me, so I felt a boost of confidence then thinking that meant we were gonna continue seeing each other. Turns out after I had that talk, he never made plans for a fifth date with me and I have honestly decided not to stick around. I think there should be a day or two for the person to just be on their own but if they're taking days to talk or make plans... well, then that's a no for sure. 

I will definitely try to implement this more on my dating experiences as I feel that whenever I like the guy, it's like a ticking bomb waiting to explode unless he asks me out again in a certain timeframe and it is so exhausting! Putting that weight of my shoulders and realising nothing I do or say will make them want to go out with me rather their effort will show through will make things a lot easier to handle.  

[Larissa1443]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 

You need to sharpen up your filter. That is part of the problem. You’re not seeing the immediate and huge red flags for what they are, and instead continuing to go out with guys like this who show you right away they are NOT boyfriend material. 

I think whenever there's a guy who I'm attracted that and treats me relatively nice, takes me out for dinner etc I'm already jumping on the relationship wagon. I have been single and craving intimacy (non sexual related) for so long that it's hard for me to turn away when someone shows a little bit of caring for me. I really struggle with that but I see now how this guy has showed from the start he was never taking me seriously.

What puzzles me is, this guy told me he WAS looking for a relationship, but not sure with me. If he had already seen that, then why not move on? Why stay with someone you know you don't see anything long term? Surely he would have if we didn't have that talk which makes me even more confused as to if he really is looking for a relationship or what. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I think there should be a day or two for the person to just be on their own but if they're taking days to talk or make plans... well, then that's a no for sure. 

I don't agree -it depends what is going on.  Yes- generally he should be calling you once a week and trying to see you once a week in the beginning. Like I said I think the texting is best for more serious couples - he needs to have space to miss you a bit/wondering if you're dating others, and if he wants to know more about you and see photos of your ***ake mushroom soup you made in your new immersion blender (yes, this is based on a friend's recent FB post) he has to get off his behind and call you and make a plan to see you.  

I used to decline weekend dates where I was asked after Wednesday.  I dated a guy once who called me two Thursdays in a row for a date the next day.  I said politely "I'd love to but I am busy tomorrow" (I was -typically busy with others -or with myself since I didn't treat myself like Last Minute Chick) - so he then called the next week early in the week to make a plan and also said "are you free [date one year in advance] -because I want to book the catering place for our wedding". 

Like him -a number of men had gotten used to women accepting Plan C last minute dates or "hang outs" for a weekend night and once he realized I was not going to be that available to him he stepped up.  Game?? Sure if you want to think so.  Teach people how to treat you.  I started dating about 14 years prior to The Rules being published. It was much maligned.  I thought it had some really excellent tips -that I'd been doing for years.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Larissa1443 said:

 Why stay with someone you know you don't see anything long term? 

Sorry this is happening. All you can do is protect yourself and your heart and health from guys like this.  Unfortunately he was just sticking around because he got the unprotected sex he wanted .

You could slow your roll and go on outside dates a while before you jump in emotionally and physically.

This may help alleviate some of the angst about if a guy likes you or not without the risk of STDs and heartaches. It keeps you in control of your physical and emotional health.

[Lambert]

Hi @Larissa1443

I am sorry for how you are feeling.  I know in my little lamb days, I did some dumb things, too.  We all do!  I think you should stay single.  Being single by choice makes you focus on things and people you really care about.  It helps you build a better relationship with yourself.  Which is actually what I think you lack right now. 

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, Larissa1443 said:

What puzzles me is, this guy told me he WAS looking for a relationship, but not sure with me

That was the carrot.  I *might* or *might not* want a relationship with YOU but only if you allow me to do mean and possibly bad-for-you things.  Larissa, so glad you escaped this one... ❤️

[JoyfulCompany]

OP, not asking for consent about sexual acts is assault. Especially when you explicitly clarified you don't want them at this time. This is not a red flag, this is a gather-your-things-get-away-file-a-report flag. It's very very serious. A fake kindness facade shouldn't be able to cloud your judgement like that. Who you have sex with and when is entirely up to your preferences but you need to protect your health (use condoms with strangers (even that way you're not entirely safe)) and protect yourself from violent creeps.

Please, get an STD test. Have you been in therapy? I'm concerned with your lack of boundaries.
Also, I'm relieved that you're not going to see this scumbag anymore.

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

this guy told me he WAS looking for a relationship, but not sure with me

Of course he said that. He knows it will keep you on the hook. 

19 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

Why stay with someone you know you don't see anything long term?

Sex. 

[smackie9]

Step one....stop jumping into bed with these guys until some commitment/exclusivity is established. Texting is not to be counted as time spent dating. Spending time once a week together is someone that is not all that interested in something serious. Saying something hurtful or mean, then recant their comment saying it is a joke, is passive/aggressive behavior...this is a BIG red flag. It's considered as underlying abusive behavior. Boot this guy to the curb...he is bad news. You got yourself another loser here.