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Guy (30F) that I'm seeing (29F) and I had an awkward conversation about what we want and he made weird jokes about it, I'm anxious now


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I've (29F) been seeing this guy (30M) for about a month now, we've been on four dates and been talking everyday etc. Things seem to be going well and to be honest I haven't gotten "this far" with someone in a long time as it usually always ends with guys ghosting or not even taking me on a second date.

Anyway, I'm anxiously attached and I've noticed I've started getting a bit weird about this new thing, so yesterday when we were hanging out I decided to ask him what he thinks about this and what he possibly wants out of it as I don't want casual and am looking for a relationship. He laughed and said he also wants a relationship but not sure if he wants it with me as we have only been on four dates, to which I agreed, because I also don't know him that well to say he's the one I want to be with. He also joked about saying that now that I brought this talk up, he isn't sure if he wants to hang out with me anymore and also that I'm expecting him to ask me to marry him to which I said he's getting it all wrong.

I told him I've been with guys who have introduced me to all their family and friends (to which he then joked about how I'm "never meeting him mom which I found odd but ok) and then months down the line and when I vented about it to people, I got blamed and criticised for not being up front early on with what I wanted and not letting the guy know, for letting them "use me" and so on. So here I am, trying to be upfront about it, so I don't get possibly played.

He said he wouldn't lead me on and he's not seeing other people but he does want to see where this goes, but it's only been four dates so it's too early to tell.

I've got an awkward feeling about this, not sure if we'll continue seeing each other. I feel like he might've misunderstood me. This morning he left in a rush as he was late for work and then said "I'll text you later today" and we said goodbyes, but I'm getting this weird feeling that he won't and that I possibly ruined things?

What do you think? If he doesn't text me today should I text him and try to explain myself again? I don't want to sound desperate and insecure but at the same time I felt less anxious after bringing that topic up and felt like I did the right thing, I just didn't expect him to react like that. I understand some might say it's too soon" but I've also had people tell me there's nothing wrong with saying and asking what they want/what you want early on. It's not saying you want a relationship with THEM but if they want casual, I'm not your person. 

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I agree its too early to tell. I also agree that its OK for you to be upfront and be looking for serious relationship. Its better to "lay groundwork" earlier, rather then later. Its OK for him to know what you are looking for as well as for you to know if he can fit there.

However, I also find his comments rather evasive. Its OK not to be sure after a month. You dont even know each other very well and still in early stages. But him straight up saying he is not sure if he wants relationship with you? And his weird comments about not meeting family? It just doesnt sit well with me because you never say it in that way. Because "I want a relationship but not sure I want it with you" is not what you should tell to somebody with the prospect of a relationship. Heck it sounds like something that you would say to somebody casual. Like "I am not sure about you, lets just go with the flow". I hope I am wrong. 

Also you didnt ruin anything. If it doesnt sit well with him that you want a proper relationship, its better for him to go now and dont waste your time. No matter how hurtful it would be. If you seek one thing, dont settle for scraps. 

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4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

Because "I want a relationship but not sure I want it with you" is not what you should tell to somebody with the prospect of a relationship. Heck it sounds like something that you would say to somebody casual. Like "I am not sure about you, lets just go with the flow". I hope I am wrong. 

 

That's what I heard from friends too. I felt the comments quite a bit rude and weird, especially him "threatening" saying if I continue that conversation he won't want to hang out with me again. Felt a bit manipulative. And I was definitely getting all happy about us and after that reaction I just feel weird, if I was excited about getting to know someone I'd probably not say that... 

To be honest I'm quite turned off after this whole thing. I found him to be a sweetheart at first, but now I'm just finding him a bit rude and immature. But then again, that could be just my impression and I still don't know him that well. I'll see how it goes for the next days. He did say he wouldn't lead me on, so I'm hoping he just doesn't ghost me and at least texts me about it. 

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3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Sorry to say this, but the guy sounds like a douche. I would never see him again.

Yeah to be honest that's how I'm starting to think/feel towards this as well. 

He's been very kind, always asking how my day is, making effort in dates, paying for most things etc etc, but after last night... I'm not sure anymore. Also this morning we were being intimate and he just literally stopped in the middle of it, got up and said "I have to go to work" and started rushing. I get he was late for work, but he was so grotesque in the way he finished things that I just sat there for a few minutes in shock. 

Also he said he broke up with an ex girlfriend due to her getting off the pill and "becoming crazy". Probably hormones all over the place and he couldn't handle it. That on its own was sort of a red flag to me.

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23 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

Yeah to be honest that's how I'm starting to think/feel towards this as well. 

He's been very kind, always asking how my day is, making effort in dates, paying for most things etc etc, but after last night... I'm not sure anymore. Also this morning we were being intimate and he just literally stopped in the middle of it, got up and said "I have to go to work" and started rushing. I get he was late for work, but he was so grotesque in the way he finished things that I just sat there for a few minutes in shock. 

Also he said he broke up with an ex girlfriend due to her getting off the pill and "becoming crazy". Probably hormones all over the place and he couldn't handle it. That on its own was sort of a red flag to me.

He's flashing you his mean streak. It's up to you to recognize it. That never gets 'better' with time.

Follow your gut, and head high.

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1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

He's flashing you his mean streak. It's up to you to recognize it. That never gets 'better' with time.

Follow your gut, and head high.

Yeah to be fair I have no idea about this guy's past, his relationships etc. He doesn't even have social media so I can do some "searching", all I have is based on his behaviour. I've decided I'd rather move on than be anxious/confused if he's gonna make plans, reach out etc. I might just have a chat with him and let him know that clearly this isn't working and we want different things.

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Wow what he said to you made me so mad to read. I would stop seeing HIM because he said "Now that you've asked this, It makes me think I shouldn't see you anymore" ????? I Would have literally gotten up and walked out. What the heck? My boyfriend literally asked me to be his girlfriend on the second date and he told me he had ALREADY deleted his dating apps after our FIRST date. Asking the "what are we?" question after the 4th date isn't weird, matter of fact its pretty normal, because you need to know if the person is sleeping with other people in order to avoid STDs. Its just basic dating and communication. This guy clearly has one foot already out the door, and no, its not because of what you said. 

omg I just read the bit where he said you're never meeting his mom.

Do I really need to explain this sentence?

He's definitely planning on just stringing you along and then dumping you as soon as another woman gets his attention. Run. Matter of fact, break up with him first to preserve your self esteem because he's getting ready to crush it.

DO NOT text him first. DO NOT apologize or explain what you meant. It will make you look like an utter doormat and he will lose more respect for you. Guarantee. 

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1 minute ago, eNotAgain said:

Wow what he said to you made me so mad to read. I would stop seeing HIM because he said "Now that you've asked this, It makes me think I shouldn't see you anymore" ????? I Would have literally gotten up and walked out. What the heck?

To be honest I was so shocked that I just laid there. I asked him if he was being serious and he said "no, but just relax" and I told him I was relaxed... I just wanted to check in on how things are going. I felt very intimidated by that answer. He also said, he hadn't "given it a thought", like how are you going out with someone and not even "think" if you want a relationship? And now looking back, him saying "I do want a relationship, I just can't guarantee it will be with you" is just.... wow.

I'm stupid and texted him today already with a funny message to which he replied but very weirdly and I don't think we'll be chatting anymore.I do want to message him later and "end this" because I hate no closures, but that whole bubbly feeling is gone. I'm so turned off. 

He also insisted we have sex without a condom so yes, I do want to know if he's sleeping with other people, to which he replied "no, I'm not banging other girls". Found such a rude way of saying it. 

Now looking back, this guy has quite a lot of red flags I looked over just because he was being "nice" and funny and attentive, which I'm not used to, but they're definitely coming back to me now. 

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Here's what I would do. I wouldn't text him anymore, see if he ever texts you again and how long it takes. If he never does, thats your answer. IF he does, thats when I would say that you weren't sure if he was joking or not when he said what he said but you didn't really appreciate it because now you feel confused and you dont think you're both looking for the same thing.

Honestly...this may be a scary text for you to send but if he cares about you AT ALL he will clarify things for you in order to not lose you. If he says wow ok crazy lady you're being too emotional jeez or anything of the sort, you know he never really cared about you to begin with. 

Who knows, maybe he WAS joking and just has a bad sense of humor. But based on the other comments, it sounds like thats just his personality and he wasn't joking....never meeting my mom?

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10 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

 

DO NOT text him first. DO NOT apologize or explain what you meant. It will make you look like an utter doormat and he will lose more respect for you. Guarantee. 

Yeah I was feeling upset thinking I should explain myself but I'm not going to. I texted him making a joke about us talking about the pill and it showing on my feed and then he said if we had a*al, there's no risk of pregnancy when I've told him I don't want to do it for now. Also remembered on our first date he basically put his d* inside my butt without my consent and it really hurt and I remember almost crying and he just said "your a** is really nice, I've never done that to a girl before but I couldn't resist you". 

I'm just gonna break things off with him. I'm upset because things took such a 180 all of a sudden. I was really enjoying this guy's company and after all of this I'm GLAD I asked him before we went on more dates and I'd get more attached. 

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2 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

Here's what I would do. I wouldn't text him anymore, see if he ever texts you again and how long it takes. If he never does, thats your answer. IF he does, thats when I would say that you weren't sure if he was joking or not when he said what he said but you didn't really appreciate it because now you feel confused and you dont think you're both looking for the same thing.

Honestly...this may be a scary text for you to send but if he cares about you AT ALL he will clarify things for you in order to not lose you. If he says wow ok crazy lady you're being too emotional jeez or anything of the sort, you know he never really cared about you to begin with. 

Who knows, maybe he WAS joking and just has a bad sense of humor. But based on the other comments, it sounds like thats just his personality and he wasn't joking....never meeting my mom?

Yeah, I'm not texting him today anymore. He has the ball on his court to text me. But you're right, if he does act like I'm crazy then this would've never worked in the long run as I want someone who will validate my feelings. Been in way too many relationships where I had to put myself aside to be with them. 

I do find it rude to just disappear and not even give an explanation, but I wouldn't be surprised.

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Yuck. He sounds so vulgar I wouldn't bother breaking things off, I'd just stop responding. The way he spoke to you doesn't warrant more than that.

I'd consider taking more time to date and learn more about a guy before sleeping with him, but that's just me.

Head high, and walk forward.

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21 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

 

I'd consider taking more time to date and learn more about a guy before sleeping with him, but that's just me.

 

Yeah he does make some weird comments about things. 

In my mind I was like, I really like this guy's vibe, he really is a lot of fun, but at the same time I want a relationship so much that I think I was willing to settle for the first one who showed some interest in me, even if in a messed up way. Oh well, living and learning! 

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4 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

If he doesn't text me today should I text him and try to explain myself again?

No, you explained yourself just fine the first time. He understood. 

However, I don't think he's on the same page. He's right that it's only been a few dates but he was rude about it. 

1 hour ago, Larissa1443 said:

Also remembered on our first date he basically put his d* inside my butt without my consent and it really hurt and I remember almost crying

And this? No, no, no. Get rid of this guy. He isn't considerate or gentlemanly. If he is going to make a move like that, he needs to communicate with you very clearly before and see where your boundaries are and what your comfort level is. This person is not a keeper and I would not wait around for him to text me again. Red flags all over this. 

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2 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

He also insisted we have sex without a condom

And good lord, I just saw this. 

Honey. This guy is awful. You hardly know him and he wanted to expose you to god knows what. This man is not boyfriend material whatsoever and I frankly would have kicked him out of my bed (and my life) right then and there. Please tell me you didn't proceed with unprotected sex with this clown. 

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 However, I don't think he's on the same page. He's right that it's only been a few dates but he was rude about it. 

And this? No, no, no. Get rid of this guy. He isn't considerate or gentlemanly. If he is going to make a move like that, he needs to communicate with you very clearly before and see where your boundaries are and what your comfort level is. This person is not a keeper and I would not wait around for him to text me again. Red flags all over this. 

It's also the fact we've been having sex without a condom and I was concerned he was sleeping with other people. 

But yeah, also he kept pressuring me to have a*al sex with him when I've told him I don't really like it unless I feel 100% comfortable with the person (I've only done it with people I've been in serious relationships with). 

I'm upset because once again, I give a guy a chance to be honest about how he feels and they go and say they like hanging with me and wanna see how it goes and then disappears and I'm here wondering why he spent time and energy with me... Isn't it easier to say hey, I don't think I want a relationship with you. Instead he went on to say he was joking about not wanting to see me again and the whole never meeting his mom thing. Also we had just finished being intimate and he made a comment about a girl he was seeing made about his d*. I was like, um ok? Thanks for that information? Just overall weird vibes that I am now picking up on. 

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4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Please tell me you didn't proceed with unprotected sex with this clown. 

I did 😞 I remember one night telling him to grab a condom and he was like "ughhh but they're so uncomfortable". Anyway, I guess that situation last night had to happen for me to come to terms with all he's done. He was always funny and cheering me up that I overlooked these situations. 

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Just now, Larissa1443 said:

He was always funny and cheering me up that I overlooked these situations. 

Your health won't, though.

Please book yourself for a STI/HIV test as soon as posisble. You have no idea what you have now exposed yourself to, and judging by this guy's behaviour with you and other comments, he has a lot of unprotected sex. 

Larissa, I don't mean to be unkind, but where the heck are your boundaries? There is a difference between overlooking rude comments and playing Russian Roulette with your health and well-being. 

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

 

Larissa, I don't mean to be unkind, but where the heck are your boundaries? There is a difference between overlooking rude comments and playing Russian Roulette with your health and well-being. 

You are completely right. I do believe him when he says he's not sleeping with other women, or in his words "not banging other chicks" lol, but it's the fact that he made it seem like he was into me, all asking about my day, constantly chatting and the moment I say I need more, he disappears. 

I'm definitely done with him, unless he comes back and gives a good explanation although I highly doubt that will happen, so... moving on. 

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This guy has little respect for you or women in general. He was already staying over at your place, pushing you into having unprotected sex and pressuring you into sex you did not want. I don't believe he had any intention of getting into a relationship. He's a player who'll push his luck as far as he can go, then move on to whoever else gives him free sex. If you want a relationship, keep dates well away from your houses until you know and trust each other a lot better.

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1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

I don't believe he had any intention of getting into a relationship. He's a player who'll push his luck as far as he can go

What's weird is that, he messaged me today and is still chatting to me, asking me questions etc. I'm not really sure WHAT to believe. But I'm very skeptical after last night. 

I'm also guilty of bringing him over, sometimes I just miss cuddling with someone in bed and I do feel, or felt, comfortable with him. But I had a long day to think about his attitudes and now I'm just reconsidering where I want this to go. 

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5 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

Also remembered on our first date he basically put his d* inside my butt without my consent and it really hurt and I remember almost crying and he just said "your a** is really nice, I've never done that to a girl before but I couldn't resist you". 

OP, why did you had sex on a first date with a stranger? That doesnt even respect your boundaries at all?

After all I heard, that guy will not get into a relationship with you. He doesnt respect you at all.

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14 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

 I had a long day to think about his attitudes and now I'm just reconsidering where I want this to go. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately too much too soon. The first step is to go to your physician or clinic for STD testing. 

Sadly you allowed too much to happen out of loneliness. While it's normal to want affection, you can't really exchange high risk sex for love.

Slow down. Forget guys like this who are just looking for hookups. Even if you crave affection, wait until you have dated a bit rather than try to build something from a rough casual encounter. 

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