I'm 48 with no kids, finished with ex and had the spark but he'd full custody of 5 year old daughter, feel sad

[Joanne43]

Hello

I'm 48 have no children and I ended a 2 month relationship with my ex and feeling sad.  We had that spark and connection which is hard to find but he had full custody of his 5 year daughter and it was getting stressful for me.  Probably sounding selfish but I don't mean to be.  I had a good talk with him and told him the way I was feeling and he understood and he's a very good Dad and I respect him for that.  Part of me is thinking did I do the right thing as we had that spark/connection? Then I say well if I wasn't happy with the situation it was for the best.  I thought can I really be a stepmum figure to the little girl and found it stressful.  Feeling sad as he's a good, kind man and we're friends.

Joanne

[Seraphim]

He is a packaged deal. We can’t abandon our children. They are our very heart , they are forever. 

It was for the best you figured out this was not something you could handle and left the situation. 
 

I know for me even though my child is 25 if I had a new partner who didn’t want to be part of my child’s life I would never pursue that relationship. We are parents until we are in the pine box. Partners can come and go our kids do not . 

[SunshineBaby7]

He is a package deal, so if you are unable to get past his child, then I think… it’s probably best you voice how you feel, but I wouldn’t take my frustration out on his child (not saying you did but some do). I know if it were me, and someone was not accepting of my situation with a child, I would move on… because my child would mean more to me than any other person or partner who isn’t accepting of that.  If he is upset about you leaving, then maybe see how he thinks you could make things better in your relationship to make it work despite having his child full time. If you're unable to get past that then I would just express you don't want to be tied down, explain your reasoning for not wanting children and move on or just say it is beginning to be "too much" and hopefully as a parent he understands and you can both go your own ways.

 

[smackie9]

That spark or intensity dies down. You would have been left with being unhappy anyways.....you did the right thing. 

[Joanne43]

55 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

He is a packaged deal. We can’t abandon our children. They are our very heart , they are forever. 

It was for the best you figured out this was not something you could handle and left the situation. 
 

I know for me even though my child is 25 if I had a new partner who didn’t want to be part of my child’s life I would never pursue that relationship. We are parents until we are in the pine box. Partners can come and go our kids do not . 

Yes he was a very good Dad and I respect him for that

[Lambert]

you did the right thing. being a step mom is not something you whole heartedly want to be. you're disappointed and that's ok. next time, you know, don't waste your time with guys with kids. you will meet someone else. don't let desperation make your decision 

 

 

[Joanne43]

24 minutes ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

He is a package deal, so if you are unable to get past his child, then I think… it’s probably best you voice how you feel, but I wouldn’t take my frustration out on his child (not saying you did but some do). I know if it were me, and someone was not accepting of my situation with a child, I would move on… because my child would mean more to me than any other person or partner who isn’t accepting of that.  If he is upset about you leaving, then maybe see how he thinks you could make things better in your relationship to make it work despite having his child full time. If you're unable to get past that then I would just express you don't want to be tied down, explain your reasoning for not wanting children and move on or just say it is beginning to be "too much" and hopefully as a parent he understands and you can both go your own ways.

 

No I definitely didn't take my frustration out on the child as nothing is her fault.  He's a very good Dad and I respect him loads. 

[Kwothe28]

Its your choice not to have kids. Maybe you couldnt have them, maybe you didnt find somebody, maybe you just dont like kids, I dont go into that. But then you shouldnt date people with kids at all. Consider it as a "standard" for you not to date people with kids and dont involve yourself with anyone who has them.

[Joanne43]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

you did the right thing. being a step mom is not something you whole heartedly want to be. you're disappointed and that's ok. next time, you know, don't waste your time with guys with kids. you will meet someone else. don't let desperation make your decision 

 

 

Yeah I believe I done the right thing even though me and him got on great, had so many laughs etc and had a great connection so I'm sad.  Just going to concentrate on me now, think I need a dating course, anyone have any recommendations lol

[smackie9]

5 minutes ago, Joanne43 said:

Yeah I believe I done the right thing even though me and him got on great, had so many laughs etc and had a great connection so I'm sad.  Just going to concentrate on me now, think I need a dating course, anyone have any recommendations lol

Tip: don't get blinded by the spark. Have a deal breaker check list. 

[Lambert]

23 minutes ago, Joanne43 said:

Yeah I believe I done the right thing even though me and him got on great, had so many laughs etc and had a great connection so I'm sad.  Just going to concentrate on me now, think I need a dating course, anyone have any recommendations lol

You probably don't need a course. LOL!!  I think maybe just a little bit of a reality check.  I am close to your age and God Bless, SINGLE with no KIDS, too.  It's not illegal or immoral to be in this situation.  LOL.  It is frustrating because it can feel like there are no good choices and the spark is hard to find.  But that doesn't mean the spark is the only thing. 

It's just like if you lose a job.... sure, you want a job.  But it's not like you'll never work again (who is that lucky! LOL) and when you do find the new job, you look back and think-- I should have enjoyed being off more.  

So that's my advice-- enjoy being single and independent.  For soon enough you will be with someone sharing the decisions, compromising and all the things...

It's the feeling of lack that limits you, not how things actually are.  If you can attract one guy and have a spark, you can attract another, or 10 or 20.... YOU GET YOUR PICK!! 

[Batya33]

I don't think you need a course just don't date men who have kids unless they're adults and not living with them.

[sislee20]

I feel you did the right thing by not staying with him. People with childern are a complete package deal, its not one or the other, so you would have to love all of him and that mean sthe child as well. So telling him how you feel was the right thing to do. And not for nothing as parents with kids and arent with the kids other parent are some what use to the fact that not ever one could play step parent role and end up ending relationships do to that. But by all means stay in contact and be friends but dont take it any further unless you can like her as much as him.