Confused at a change of heart, don't know how to proceed

[RSSR]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You’re not a fool. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. Maybe it’s like the Breakfast Club. Ally Sheedy is asked why she came to detention all day when she wasn’t one of the disciplined students “because I had nothing better to do “ or some such. Who knows why? What you do know is what she told you. She’s a nice girl who’s not romantically interested in you. It’s fine for her to come over in a group as she already told you and is not leading you on. 

Have you read my initial posta at all? She came to my home and she was alone, and it was her suggestion... nevermind...

[happy1]

10 hours ago, RSSR said:

Thank you, but I can't help but notice all your viewpoints on the past dozens of topics are negative. Such is the nature of the forum, but still... 

Thanks anyway!

Hi. Sorry to hear how confused you must be feeling. Things are never black and white and there isn't always a straightforward answer. However, I have to disagree with you that all the comments on here are negative. I have posted twice last week about my worries and the comments were actually very positive. Nobody told me to just 'dump' my boyfriend (who I was worried had feelings for one of my friends). People on here weighed up all of the 'evidence' and offered some very positive advice. 

I'd be tempted to agree with others on here about your issue. If someone says so soon after spending time together that they see you as a friend, that is how they see you. She may very well have trust issues, but if she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't let that stop her and she'd be dealing with them alongside dating you. 

Like I said, nothing is ever black and white and we can't get inside her head. I would say to 'go with the flow'. Send the odd friendly text if you want to let her know you're still interested, but ultimately let her do the chasing and if she wants more than friendship, she'll certainly make it clear in time. 

[Batya33]

The best way to see if she changes her mind again (I don't think she was ever all in-as she told you from the get go - she was lukewarm at best so the change to friendship wasn't a dramatic change at all IMO) is to keep your distance -show her she doesn't get the benefit of your friendship or contact as more than a professional acquaintance/coworker unless she wants to date you with serious potential -show her so she realizes that you're not going to waste your time being her "friend" when you want more. 

If you must, you can reconfirm this "I like hanging out with you and we are not on the same page.  I want to find someone who wants a potentially serious relationship with me and wants that with enthusiasm.  You do not.  If you change your mind and want to date me let me know and if I'm still interested and available we can talk about it then.  Take care!"

I wouldn't see the need to reconfirm - simply show her by keeping your distance.  But maybe it will feel like tying the bow on the already wrapped package.

(If my husband had settled for friendship way back when I was having doubts/after we broke up when we were first serious we would not be together now -there would have been too much bad blood because one or both of us would have started meeting other people and I would have wondered why he was settling in this way and not respected it. 

The basically clean break with extremely limited contact for almost 8 years really gave us the clean slate to try again.  I also know of hundreds of others who dated and were in relationships since I was 14 (I'm 56) -good friends, ex boyfriends, acquaintances, men I dated, etc and with no exceptions I personally can recall your sort of approach never resulted in anything positive and very often was negative because it triggered jaded/bitter/cynical feelings about the opposite gender -or the gender the person was attracted to.

Yes I read all your posts. Yes I disagree with your planned approach.  Good luck!

[RSSR]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't see the need to reconfirm - simply show her by keeping your distance.  But maybe it will feel like tying the bow on the already wrapped package.

This is exactly how I am thinking. It would seem like I accepted and gave up right away. It's not so much respecting her decision as it is a lack of determination and giving up easily. 

Now that I have woken up and spoken to a few people, I have to agree with you that my planned approach is wrong. I will host the sitdown, and then very rarely go to work the same days as she does, and see how she behaves. 

I remember hearing her say (she didn't know I could hear) at a business dinner both her exes had to be really persistent for a long time to get anywhere with her. Now you might ask why I would want to be with someone who takes pride in that - because I ultimately agree with you, if it's the right thing, it should go smoothly. Saying yes doesn't mean you fell of some moral high ground or that you are easy. 

I know it didn't seem that way most of the time, but I am really grateful that you are taking time to give advice and share your experiences. I just felt you took her words for granted, when for good two months of very regular contact I could clearly feel there was something more than friendship. And she said as much. I find it difficult to see the happy end here, but I have to try, I don't know any other way, it's just my character.

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, RSSR said:

This is exactly how I am thinking. It would seem like I accepted and gave up right away. It's not so much respecting her decision as it is a lack of determination and giving up easily. 

Now that I have woken up and spoken to a few people, I have to agree with you that my planned approach is wrong. I will host the sitdown, and then very rarely go to work the same days as she does, and see how she behaves. 

I remember hearing her say (she didn't know I could hear) at a business dinner both her exes had to be really persistent for a long time to get anywhere with her. Now you might ask why I would want to be with someone who takes pride in that - because I ultimately agree with you, if it's the right thing, it should go smoothly. Saying yes doesn't mean you fell of some moral high ground or that you are easy. 

I know it didn't seem that way most of the time, but I am really grateful that you are taking time to give advice and share your experiences. I just felt you took her words for granted, when for good two months of very regular contact I could clearly feel there was something more than friendship. And she said as much. I find it difficult to see the happy end here, but I have to try, I don't know any other way, it's just my character.

You do you.  I'd suggest not excusing it as "just my character" - because this is an individual situation.  If your character/MO is to pursue people who have told you they don't want what you want in a relationship then yes you would be acting consistently with that choice. I wouldn't expand it to character as in "I never give up" because you kind of are giving up.  You're giving up opportunities to be open to other people -that will be extremely difficult while you chase a person who doesn't want to be with you romantically and doesn't see future potential for a relationship with you and has told you so. 

It is much easier to pursue an unavailable person than date someone who is available and on the same page as you as far as intentions. In the former you don't have to be vulnerable because the object of your affection is not going to reciprocate your feelings and you won't have to put in the effort to grow an actual romantic relationship or to maintain it when the spark might temporarily fade, etc.  You won't have to be there for her like a boyfriend would because you are not her boyfriend.  So in that way it's easier. 

 

You can tell yourself your character requires you not to "give up" on someone who gave up on you as far as what you want from the interaction.  Just something to consider. 

You can certainly disagree but I promise you -with rare exceptions although I know of none-maybe others do - when you meet and get to know the right person there will be no signs to have to read, you won't have to gossip with others or lend an ear to "oh you know she actually does like you she's just "scared" because my friend's cousin's brother knows someone who dated her last year and she said the same exact thing but then begged to get him back so this sounds the same!!"

You won't have to hang on her bragging words and tell yourself "oh she's like this with everyone -she tells them she does not want them but in reality she just wants to be chased so she can add another feather to her cap and have something interesting to brag about at a business dinner"

  It will be clear on both sides, won't involve psychospeak/pretzel twisting, rationalizations about character/chasing. 

No one should have to chase.  Courting -yes, sure in traditional dating if that's your thing (it was mine!) -it's sweet- sometimes it's more like "pursuit" if the gestures are grand - but those gestures if not reciprocated then aren't courting anymore.  They smell of desperation.  You know I was the woman in the 80s-2005 who declined weekend dates with men who asked me after Wednesday night, who didn't return certain phone calls right away, who wouldn't email/message/"talk" unless there was another date planned -meaning early on in dating - I wrote "the Rules" 10 years before it was written (at least in my own head).  I wasn't gorgeous -girl next door type - and in general I was treated with respect and like a lady and treated men the same. 

But in 2005 when my future husband asked me to get back together after almost 8 years apart and after 3 platonic meetings in 4 weeks I did not keep him guessing, I did not make him "work" for me - because this wasn't about dating, we already knew each other so well, we were 39 and 38 (him).  I hesitated for about 30-60 seconds -yes it was overwhelming, yes I was scared and  then I said YES enthusiastically -no disclaimers, no caveats -just yes - and he asked me simply and straightforward and looking back his  tone was heartfelt but he wasn't there to try to convince me but just to confirm that I too felt a spark, that I too saw a future, another chance for us. 

I know for sure that if I had said "I just want friendship for now" or "I want to date but date other people" he'd have walked away particularly since we thought we'd have to date long distance right away.  And I respect him for that - he was really into me but not at the expense of his goals which he'd told me the second time we met - in a very general sense of that he was ready to date again with serious intentions (having recently ended a one year relationship) and would be open to long distance (at that moment he met he was open to meeting other women -we hadn't discussed "us" at all).  Part of why I saw another chance for us was his grown self confidence from the guy I'd known 8 years earlier.  He changed in that way.  I changed in other ways.

In your situation if you pursue her it's status quo -you're the guy who's following her around and settling for scraps -from her perspective -and she gets to keep you around for her ego and an option -can you just see her at a business dinner or out with her friends gossiping/bragging "oh yes there's this coworker who is like so super into me even though I told him I wasn't - I like hanging with him and he's always there for me even if I just need someone to talk to in the middle of the night - I mean I told him I'm not into him but it's fun to be buddies and he has a cool apartment and cool friends!"  

Again -there is no right or wrong since you are certainly not stalking her -she's available to hang with you and available to be your friend and has said yes to all of that - I'm just like the others observing how risky it is to your well being to continue and how you're taking the easy way out and not being honest with yourself -or her (since you can't be her true friend -you won't be there for her to help her pursue some other guy, will you?)

[boltnrun]

I mean, I married my husband and took vows "'til death do us part".  Turns out we were not suited to be married, so I filed for divorce and divorced him.  But he could say "But she vowed to love me 'til death do us part!  That means there's a chance she might come back."  But there's not.  And one could argue that the vows I took were much stronger than someone saying they felt something might go somewhere.

As was said in the movie "The Others", that was before.  Her most recent words were that she wanted friendship.  I think you need to take her at her most recent words.

If you want to continue to try to pursue her of course you have that right.  

[spinstermanquee]

6 hours ago, jessb86a said:

Send the odd friendly text if you want to let her know you're still interested, but ultimately let her do the chasing and if she wants more than friendship, she'll certainly make it clear in time. 

I like what many of the others said above, several shades/iterations of "lob the ball into her court with the understanding that if she changes her mind in the future, and *IF* you're still available, you will consider."  In the meantime, make yourself scarce and do things YOU enjoy, including dating!

This puts you out of her orbit and frees you up for other potentially more suitable matches.  smss, this situation reminds me of that old saw "If you love something set it free.  if it comes back to you, it's yours.  if it doesn't, it never was."

No matter what happens I'm in the bleachers rooting for you to find a good match, that meets your enthusiasm and pace for a love relationship... ❤️

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, RSSR said:

she might change it again, and in that respect what is the best course of action? Disappear or hang around in limited circumstances and without the friendly vibe of constant texting

Disappear. 

You will kick yourself if you hang around and then later find out she's seeing someone else or reconnected with her ex. It's not worth the risk to hang on, in other words.

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, RSSR said:

I guess the question is whether there is enough for me to hang onto while being patient. If the trust issues and time are the pain problems, I can suffer through them, as I care a lot about her. 

 

But if what she said was true, despite all the signs to the contrary, and she indeed only wants friendship... not much to hope for

Then either agree to accept strictly friendship or peacefully part ways if you want more than friendship. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

You moved way too fast and awkward bro. You told her "this feels more than friendship". That was a mistake. Not only did you make it awkward, but you put a huge deal of pressure on her. She plays it cool, but in reality, it really isn't. 

Here is what you should have done. After a few weeks of meeting her, you should have asked her out on a date. That gets your intentions across in a non awkward way. And lets say she initiated the meet up. You should have asked "Is this a date?". 

So she felt pressured and on top of that you have her past trauma. A perfect recipe for disaster. 

Women fall in love a lot slower than us men. You gotta earn her trust. Simply give her a good time. Let her get comfortable with you. Let it cook. And over time, she will start having feelings if she likes you enough.

And then after yall had "the talk", you should have stopped talking to her. Given her space and started talking to other women. You gave her a gift. Why would you do that?! That makes you look needy and desperate. 

And continuing on as friends? Oh hell no. Please have more self respect than that. Walk away and spend your time on someone who wants you for you.

If she comes back let her do all the work. Remember, you are the prize. The moment you start chasing a girl, that is when the game is lost.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/21/2023 at 6:30 PM, RSSR said:

 she always saw it as friendship, that she feels totally confused, unready to open herself to anyone, and that she felt as if she was drowning when I told her how I felt about her 

Try not to take friendzoning personally. She just doesn't seem to be in the right mindset to date right now. That's ok. Step back and pursue women who are ready willing and able to date you.

[sislee20]

On 1/21/2023 at 6:30 PM, RSSR said:

A long post, as I feel the details matter. Thank you for reading.

I met a girl at work mid-November, and there was an instant bond and a strange connection (interests, past experiences, worldviews, past relationships, etc). She takes initiative, and in no time we are texting all the time, sharing our daily lives, having nicknames for each other, etc. All good.

Mid-Dec - she suggests we meet outside work. So we go to dinner, have a walk afterwards, all great, I say it feels like more than friendship, and she says she feels the same, but we should let things take their own course (give it time, in other words).

A few days later, I cook her dinner at my place, she meets my family, brilliant. nothing physical though. She says we should repeat when she comes back from her trip ( with her best girl friend to her gf's family). We stay in touch while there, have a video call, she sends photos, all good...

Last week, she comes back, immediately ask if I want to go to the office with her, but then some distance at work begins... and it remains throughout both days we are at work. Still, I find some chance to ask if we should go somewhere for the weekend, she eagerly says yes. I sense something is not right, but that's good, I am encouraged.

I call her last saturday, long story short, the day ends with our phone talk that she always saw it as friendship, that she feels totally confused, unready to open herself to anyone, and that she felt as if she was drowning when I told her how I felt about her (that was after she declined the dinner invitation, and told me it was friendship) as she is unable to deal with her or other people's emotion.

Still, we meet a couple of days later, as I had a small gift for her. The gift was received with absolute joy, and acknowledgement it was special, she said she loved me from the start, but something was not triggered in her to consider a relationship with me.

THINGS TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT:

She is 27yo, had two long relationships, both ended with her being cheated on and humiliated.

Generally were reserved with her emotions, afraid and unable to express them, even in relationships

Due to her partner cheating on her, she has a mental issue where she connects sex with the image of her partner cheating on her (that happened a year ago). Has not been intimate with anyone in the past year.

I initially said I couldn't be friend with her, not because of the ego but as I would find it difficult given the strength of my feelings. She proposed we remain in touch, keep going to work together, and be friends... In the meantime, I decided it was selfish and counter-productive to simply disappear from her life and in the past five days I have invited her and a few other colleagues for a little sit down party at my place next week, signalling I am staying in her life, in town (it was supposed to a temporary arrangement anyway), at work, etc.

TL;DR

What do you guys think I should do from here and does it even sound probable that she indeed saw it as friendship? Do I take it slow, allow time and patience, especially as she now knows exactly how I feel? It seems to me she either got scared, had a change of heart, is buying time. I wouldn't mind accepting or considering there is someone else, but from everything she told me, relationship is the last thign on her mind right now.

THANK YOU.

Okay to me she sounds like she may confused on her feeelings. And as she has been hurt before is going to be stand offish cause of not wanting to be hurt again and no blame there cause that crap sucks. But if you like that much you will take it slow for her and remain friends to let her know your there and arent going any where but at the same time do not shut your self off completely to any one else that may see more in you. So i guess what im saying dont stop living your life because she unsure of her feelings. 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, sislee20 said:

But if you like that much you will take it slow for her and remain friends to let her know your there and arent going any where but at the same time do not shut your self off completely to any one else that may see more in you.

Absolutely. As long as he's cool hearing about her dating life or her plans for who she'd like to date, who she is crushing on, etc -that's part of friendship.  Certainly if she was  the sort who said ""friends first and hopefully we'll progress to dating" that would be one thing.  She didn't say that.  His motive would be with the hopes she'd change her mind -her motive would be simply to have another buddy because she's made it clear she doesn't want to date him.

[sislee20]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Absolutely. As long as he's cool hearing about her dating life or her plans for who she'd like to date, who she is crushing on, etc -that's part of friendship.  Certainly if she was  the sort who said ""friends first and hopefully we'll progress to dating" that would be one thing.  She didn't say that.  His motive would be with the hopes she'd change her mind -her motive would be simply to have another buddy because she's made it clear she doesn't want to date him.

well maybe i misunderstood soem of what he said. But i guess maybe he could wait around for her to change her mind and heart be okay with hearing all that stuff or if it got to that point of her leaning on him for other relationship advice he would need to walk away from that all around his feeling were to deep. if all that makes since lol 

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, sislee20 said:

well maybe i misunderstood soem of what he said. But i guess maybe he could wait around for her to change her mind and heart be okay with hearing all that stuff or if it got to that point of her leaning on him for other relationship advice he would need to walk away from that all around his feeling were to deep. if all that makes since lol 

So IMO in that situation hanging around is ineffective because the person loses respect for the person who is settling for less than they want and have no opportunity to experience what it's like to be away from the person and perhaps miss them.  Of course there are no guarantees if that is done but his planned approach is almost certainly guaranteed to end in him getting hurt IMO. 

And once she starts pursuing other men and telling her 'buddy" about it it's then even harder to date in the future since you can't unring the bell from the TMI.  I personally am thankful that in the almost 8 years my husband and I were apart we never emailed of anything really personal (with one exception - my cousin's passing since he knew her as well -that was a personal subject for sure) so neither of us knew details about who we were involved with or pursued when we were apart. 

 But as I said it's a free country and his risk to take and so far she has agreed to see him as friends -that's her choice too of course!.  

[boltnrun]

I had a "friend" who clearly said he wanted to date me. I as kindly as possible told him I felt friendly toward him. He lurked around for years, while I sincerely thought we were legit friends, hoping I would change my mind. I never did. 

I won't say it's impossible, but someone who feels the same way you do would never take the chance of losing you to someone else.

[RSSR]

23 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Here is what you should have done. After a few weeks of meeting her, you should have asked her out on a date. That gets your intentions across in a non awkward way. And lets say she initiated the meet up. You should have asked "Is this a date?". 

So she felt pressured and on top of that you have her past trauma. A perfect recipe for disaster. 

Women fall in love a lot slower than us men. You gotta earn her trust. Simply give her a good time. Let her get comfortable with you. Let it cook. And over time, she will start having feelings if she likes you enough.

I guess I wasn't playing it the way I normally would as we were work colleagues sitting 2 yards away from each other, and driving to and from work in the same car.

No excuses though, as that bit Is this a date? crossed my mind last night literally as what I should have asked when at the dinner she said: This is an unusual relationship.

It really hurts to think she may have left breadcrumbs here and there, openings, and I failed to see them.

Still, a couple of things: even after that awkwardness, she invited herself to my place.

And most importantly, if she was ready to date, that wouldn't be a problem (I think). 

About the gift, I instantly told her, quote, it's not being pathetic or I want you to remember me by this and other nonsense. I don't know what the next period holds, so I want you to have it, I don't want to throw it away or give it someone else, as it was meant for you.

Finally, I was playing it slow, I think. My dinner no2 invite was the first move I made which she didn't initiate directly or indirectly. Everything else - all her.

What perhaps bothers me the most, is whether I was wrong to tell her about my feelings after she declined the invitation. I thought, well, this passive approach did nothing, at least she knows I am serious about it, and am ready to give myself away completely, not some dude who came to a smaller town and wants someone to f around with until his relocation annex expires in April.

I have talked to different people, probably about 15, + this forum... the votes are split in terms of whether I should behave normally, go to work, try to make it as smooth as possible, but never admitting to friendship, or disappear. Funnily enough, girls mostly tell me,no chance was it friendship, she either got scared or wasn't ready, too soon, blabla. And those are the girls who have always been harsh to me. Go back, joke around with her, and in time she might develop trust and feelings strong enough to give it a chance. 

My initial idea was to disappear, but what would that do? If I didn't earn her trust so far (I doubt anyone would the way she is), so how would that be helped by going AWOL? (The prerequisite for this logic is that she indeed likes me and the trust and the moment she is in are main issues).

Batya is right. I might hear she started dating someone else. That will be painful. She would never tell me about her having a crush and all that, 100% sure of that, but ultimately it makes no difference. If her next boyfriend isn't me, then it's game over.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, RSSR said:

Whether I should behave normally, go to work, try to make it as smooth as possible, 

Yes. Good idea. Go to work and act polite professional and keep your love life outside of work. You both need to work there so make it less awkward by simply resuming the work relationship and dating outside of the workplace. Make sure your lovelife is not the subject of workplace gossip. 

[RSSR]

14 hours ago, sislee20 said:

Okay to me she sounds like she may confused on her feeelings. And as she has been hurt before is going to be stand offish cause of not wanting to be hurt again and no blame there cause that crap sucks. But if you like that much you will take it slow for her and remain friends to let her know your there and arent going any where but at the same time do not shut your self off completely to any one else that may see more in you. So i guess what im saying dont stop living your life because she unsure of her feelings. 

The more time passes, the more I am convinced she lied to me. It wasn't friendship. It can't have been. 

What it was is she is hurt, scared and her emotions are mixed and she deals with them childishly and in an extremely introverted way. She began developing feelings and trust towards me, but it was going too fast. Then she might have felt, especially during her two-week trip, that I was developing feelings and the wheels were moving in my head. I did my bewt not to let it show too much, but girls feel it miles away. 

So, when she saw me back at the office, something happened inside her, and she had to say stop. So basically I shouldn't have invited her to dinner, as I felt something wasn't right, I should have backed off for a couple of weeks maybe. I was going to the execution the moment I called her.

Now I have no idea what's happening, she hasn't initiated contact since last Monday (gift night), despite saying she very much would. 

We talked yesterday via Teams (work-related), I asked if she managed to play the healing bowl I gifted her. She said she was unsuccessful as her hands shake for some reaskn and she'd been feeling weird for a few days.

Of course, when I probed, she said it was the moon and stomach virus. Total bs. But OK. I told her that, irrespective of everything, she can speak to me about her 'weird mood', it's what we've been doing since day 1 anyway.

Tomorrow I am going back to work. Let's see what the next weeks hold.

[Batya33]

I think you’re going down the path of being angry at or critical of her behavior as opposed to avoiding getting attached where the other person isn’t enthusiastic about dating you. You took the risk from the beginning since she wasn’t sure from the beginning.
Other than for your own ego gratification it doesn’t matter whether she was scared or confused or not ready to date anyone. Dating is hard enough at times without the near impossible obstacle of a reluctant dating partner. 

I’d avoid ever mentioning your personal gifts to her in any professional context. Playing with Fire professionally IMO. 

I think you lied to yourself to justify continuing to date her. It happens. But you can make a different choice and move on. 

[boltnrun]

I didn't have to wonder if my husband really wanted to be with me but wasn't because he was "scared" or "busy" or "shy" or scarred from some previous experience. It was very clear he did want to be with me. No excuses or wishy washy talks or word salads. He wanted to be around me as much as possible and I never doubted it. And I was the same toward him.

I have to say, what this woman is doing is very effective IF (and that's a big if) her goal was to get you completely intrigued and infatuated. Because you clearly are. I would presume she knows this. If you're the type who feels a woman is more valuable if you have to work hard to "get" her, this is the perfect woman for you. Unfortunately, unless that is in fact her goal you're basically chasing your own tail. 

[RSSR]

51 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

have to say, what this woman is doing is very effective IF (and that's a big if) her goal was to get you completely intrigued and infatuated. Because you clearly are. I would presume she knows this. If you're the type who feels a woman is more valuable if you have to work hard to "get" her, this is the perfect woman for you. Unfortunately, unless that is in fact her goal you're basically chasing your own tail. 

She said both her previous bfs had to work really hard to get her. She said that not knowing I heard it. 

I believe I was well on the way of that work and did some distance. Now the latest chain of events puts it all in a different light and context.

I don't value a woman based on how hard I have to work to get her. It's just that I like this one very much and will try hard, cause so far I can't say I tried hard.

Really not sure where all the discouragement is coming from. Dozens and dozens of examples that I know of and the people I spoke to know of which began exactly like this - a girl declines, they either remain friends or go their separate ways and then reconnect. If there is something, it will find a way of resurrecting sooner or later.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, RSSR said:

Really not sure where all the discouragement is coming from. Dozens and dozens of examples that I know of and the people I spoke to know of which began exactly like this - a girl declines, they either remain friends or go their separate ways and then reconnect. If there is something, it will find a way of resurrecting sooner or later.

But not when the person who is interested in more hangs around and has a "friendship" hoping for more.  Only if they both are content with just friends and have moved on totally from hoping for a change -especially if the friendship is with the ulterior motive of hoping for a change.  I do know of examples (like mine) where the couple broke up and then reconnected later on - and while they wanted to remain friends -or one of them did -they decided not to -to protect their hearts and fully move on but reconnected later and got back together.  

[RSSR]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But not when the person who is interested in more hangs around and has a "friendship" hoping for more.  Only if they both are content with just friends and have moved on totally from hoping for a change -especially if the friendship is with the ulterior motive of hoping for a change.  I do know of examples (like mine) where the couple broke up and then reconnected later on - and while they wanted to remain friends -or one of them did -they decided not to -to protect their hearts and fully move on but reconnected later and got back together.  

Fair enough. But based on the last week or so, she isn't quite comfortable with friendship either, which can be both good and bad. She hasn't initiated anything.

We cannot do what you and your husband did, i.e. completely grow apart, as we work together. 

She knows full well I have intentions and motives, I can't go back on the message I sent where I basically told her about my feelings full throttle. I also never agreed to friendship. I said I will take some time and I will see what to do. So, me staying around can't quite be seen as dishonest, from you or her.

She is probably surprised I am back at work tomorrow, and that I seem to be in good mood. I am staying put, for better or worse. Now I have to kill off any fears she might have about how it will all work in the professional environment.

I know as much as one can know that what I told her caused some havoc inside her, and the gift was, no matter how desperate the move seems, bullseye, and it made her think, as she admitted as soon as she arrived home that evening.

 

[Batya33]

You can of course maintain a cordial professional relationship.  Good luck with whatever you decide.