My boyfriend often forgets what I tell him

[happy1]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Me too but it's not about memory at all IMO Not with today's technology especially (although us middle aged types likely remember the post its all over our offices or on our landline phone with reminders LOL).  It's about priorities and values and effort.  It's only about memory in extreme cases of alzheimers or the like. 

And no not everyone is the same.  I'm like you and others I know have different priorities especially when it comes to friends and especially if they are married with kids and use that as an excuse or a reason not to prioritize friendships.  Or they simply don't care about having deep friendships with all the responsibiltiies for whatever reason.

Does your bf remember things to do with his job? 

He has to make little notes at work on his noticeboard, otherwise he's pretty terrible! 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

I really don't think it's too much to ask that he doesn't forget constantly! So I guess I have to let this time go and see what happens going forward. 

No you're not asking him not to forget.  You're asking him to care enough to find ways to remember.  Very different. 

My husband "forgets" to run the dryer which I occasionally ask him to do if I'm going to be out -so I don't come home to damp laundry late in the day.  He apologizes with lame excuses. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't care as in he doesn't get how much I do to keep things humming along.  But this is recent and he doesn't forget other stuff so I often do self-talk to remind myself about what he does remember.  I check in with myself -not to rationalize but to see if I'm overreacting.  

I'd frame this correctly - because he is choosing to forget.  If once in a blue moon he actually forgot -like I forget to click "send" on a text and discover it hours later - that's fine because as mentioned in the first paragraph then all you need to do is remind yourself that this is a blip/atypical.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

He has to make little notes at work on his noticeboard, otherwise he's pretty terrible! 

Right -as do many of us.  How many notes does he make about you in his home or in his phone?  This morning after my workout before 6am I put in my phone "text D" because I can't text him this early.  He helped us out with a referral to a professional and sent the text last night and I do not want to forget to thank him which can happen if you can't text right away.  Truthfully- with all going on I risk forgetting to respond later today.  I have a great memory but not for that specific type of task.  But I care so I now have it in my reminders.  

[happy1]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right -as do many of us.  How many notes does he make about you in his home or in his phone?  This morning after my workout before 6am I put in my phone "text D" because I can't text him this early.  He helped us out with a referral to a professional and sent the text last night and I do not want to forget to thank him which can happen if you can't text right away.  Truthfully- with all going on I risk forgetting to respond later today.  I have a great memory but not for that specific type of task.  But I care so I now have it in my reminders.  

I don't think he's made any notes about me that I know about. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

I don't think he's made any notes about me that I know about. 

Uh huh.  Right.  So he has a method when he cares.  I do know of people who compartmentalize work from personal meaning what they're willing to do for work they're not willing when they have free time -like be places on time/set an alarm/the notes, etc.  

[happy1]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Uh huh.  Right.  So he has a method when he cares.  I do know of people who compartmentalize work from personal meaning what they're willing to do for work they're not willing when they have free time -like be places on time/set an alarm/the notes, etc.  

Exactly. He is very capable of making notes and setting reminders for work. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, jessb86a said:

Exactly. He is very capable of making notes and setting reminders for work. 

OK so I would do this (and I know you are seeing a therapist who likely has better input than a layperson like me). Have a talk with yourself where you are blunt and open about your specific expectations in a serious romantic relationship. 

Then be honest with yourself about whether some of those are fueled by insecurities that are at a level you find unacceptable such that if you felt more secure in yourself you'd need less of his "remembering" your stuff.  Consider whether you're comfortable with your analysis of "he didn't follow up with me therefore he doesn't care enough about me in this relationship."  It's fine if you are but you need clarity for yourself -and this shouldn't be discussed with him until you are clear on your expectations.

I had a second date once with a really smart successful guy who'd shared with me on the first date that he was recently laid off from a really prestigious company and was looking for a new job -nothing scandalous just not a good fit.  I knew this company well.  I specifically did NOT ask him on date two about his job search -my thinking was I didn't know him well enough and didn't want to pry -and you know a date should be fun.  

At the end of the date he told me he was offended I hadn't asked since this was such a big deal to him.  I explained why I hadn't.  I was really put off by his confronting me but agreed to another date.  On the next date (this was in the 90s) he told me he'd been at the same singles event as me the week before and seen me dance with another man, then got upset and left and got drunk.  First of all obviously we weren't serious yet (I don't even think we had kissed yet!) and ironically the man I danced with was just a friend who wanted to make another woman jealous lol.

But I was DONE.  There was no way I was going to be walking on eggshells and dealing with this level of insecurities and "jealousy."  For similar reasons I ended things with a guy I dated for about 6 weeks in 2005 because he told me he was in therapy for his insecurities, apologized for subjecting me to them three weeks in, changed for a couple of days then back to his behaviors.  He too was handsome and nice and successful but yes I felt suffocated and put off.  

But this doesn't mean you're too insecure -it might be that he's too distant/uncaring or that you're more serious about him than he is about you.  Get clarity, then act on the clarity -and this might mean telling him you and he are not a good fit or it might mean you accepting his way of approaching things and, later, if you feel more confident, it might be ok with you.

 

[happy1]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

OK so I would do this (and I know you are seeing a therapist who likely has better input than a layperson like me). Have a talk with yourself where you are blunt and open about your specific expectations in a serious romantic relationship. 

Then be honest with yourself about whether some of those are fueled by insecurities that are at a level you find unacceptable such that if you felt more secure in yourself you'd need less of his "remembering" your stuff.  Consider whether you're comfortable with your analysis of "he didn't follow up with me therefore he doesn't care enough about me in this relationship."  It's fine if you are but you need clarity for yourself -and this shouldn't be discussed with him until you are clear on your expectations.

I had a second date once with a really smart successful guy who'd shared with me on the first date that he was recently laid off from a really prestigious company and was looking for a new job -nothing scandalous just not a good fit.  I knew this company well.  I specifically did NOT ask him on date two about his job search -my thinking was I didn't know him well enough and didn't want to pry -and you know a date should be fun.  

At the end of the date he told me he was offended I hadn't asked since this was such a big deal to him.  I explained why I hadn't.  I was really put off by his confronting me but agreed to another date.  On the next date (this was in the 90s) he told me he'd been at the same singles event as me the week before and seen me dance with another man, then got upset and left and got drunk.  First of all obviously we weren't serious yet (I don't even think we had kissed yet!) and ironically the man I danced with was just a friend who wanted to make another woman jealous lol.

But I was DONE.  There was no way I was going to be walking on eggshells and dealing with this level of insecurities and "jealousy."  For similar reasons I ended things with a guy I dated for about 6 weeks in 2005 because he told me he was in therapy for his insecurities, apologized for subjecting me to them three weeks in, changed for a couple of days then back to his behaviors.  He too was handsome and nice and successful but yes I felt suffocated and put off.  

But this doesn't mean you're too insecure -it might be that he's too distant/uncaring or that you're more serious about him than he is about you.  Get clarity, then act on the clarity -and this might mean telling him you and he are not a good fit or it might mean you accepting his way of approaching things and, later, if you feel more confident, it might be ok with you.

 

Thanks for sharing your dating experiences! I know I am insecure, but I wouldn't day I'm THAT insecure. I do let a lot of what he forgets slide, I just worry about the bigger things that are a big deal to me. I think you're right - I need to sit and down and consider what I want. If I really need someone who will remember the big stuff, if that's is a big factor, then maybe he isn't a good fit. I don't need to express my disappointment that he forgets, I just need to explain that it might mean we're not compatible. I'm going to reflect on this in my therapy for sure. Thanks again. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

Thanks for sharing your dating experiences! I know I am insecure, but I wouldn't day I'm THAT insecure. I do let a lot of what he forgets slide, I just worry about the bigger things that are a big deal to me. I think you're right - I need to sit and down and consider what I want. If I really need someone who will remember the big stuff, if that's is a big factor, then maybe he isn't a good fit. I don't need to express my disappointment that he forgets, I just need to explain that it might mean we're not compatible. I'm going to reflect on this in my therapy for sure. Thanks again. 

But consider what is big stuff to you -that will be helpful to you as you move forward and why you think he is "forgetting."  Do you need someone who will prioritize keeping track of "big stuff" and what is big stuff.  I would not put it as "forgets' to him - I would put it as "I feel uncared for when you don't ask me how I am doing when you know I have an important appointment."  Let him claim he "forgets" and then say "you see it as forgetting but I see it as not wiling to put in the effort to remember like you do with work stuff for example."  

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

 I really need someone who will remember the big stuff, if that's is a big factor, then maybe he isn't a good fit

Has he forgotten anything important such as a date or birthday or agreement or promise? Not memorizing other's schedules doesn't seem that important. Especially since it doesn't involve him anyway.

Your healthcare appts are generally your business. It's not as if you were seriously ill and he just blew off asking how you are because he doesn't care.

Do you feel he treats you well or are you seeking reasons to step away from the relationship because you're generally not happy with it?

[happy1]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has he forgotten anything important such as a date or birthday or agreement or promise? Not memorizing other's schedules doesn't seem that important. Especially since it doesn't involve him anyway.

Your healthcare appts are generally your business. It's not as if you were seriously ill and he just blew off asking how you are because he doesn't care.

Do you feel he treats you well or are you seeking reasons to step away from the relationship because you're generally not happy with it?

So, he hasn't forgotten a date, birthday or a promise. Good point! 

I think I mentioned in a much earlier comment that he doesn't ask many questions either about how things have gone, how I have enjoyed a night out or whatever. So as well as the forgetting, there is also this issue too. I wonder if I am maybe starting to question whether he treats me as well I deserve. He get on so well, we can talk for hours and hours, he listens well when we're together, he is always showering me with affection and tells me all the time how much he loves me. But I do find myself getting frustrated quite a lot (forgetting things, lack of questions) and just can't work out whether it's due to my insecurities or whether he's just not treating me well. Some days, the communication is fine and other days, I sometimes feel like I'm putting in a lot more effort to ask about his day or how he's enjoyed a trip/night out/work, and the same effort is not made back. Like one text conversation recently went like this: 

Him: 'Well that was a long day, I'm shattered!' 

Me: 'Ahh no, how come?' 

Him: 'Just been running around non-stop!' 

Now, I might just be being picky, but I was taken aback by the lack of, 'So how was your day?' Should I just be telling him? This has happened quite a few times as well. 

So I wonder if me being disappointed about forgetting about my therapy is actually just on top of the idea I have in my mind that actually, he's just not that bothered about me?! 

[happy1]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But consider what is big stuff to you -that will be helpful to you as you move forward and why you think he is "forgetting."  Do you need someone who will prioritize keeping track of "big stuff" and what is big stuff.  I would not put it as "forgets' to him - I would put it as "I feel uncared for when you don't ask me how I am doing when you know I have an important appointment."  Let him claim he "forgets" and then say "you see it as forgetting but I see it as not wiling to put in the effort to remember like you do with work stuff for example."  

Yes, I think you're right. It's not about forgetting, everyone forgets from time to time. I think the issue here is that he may not be caring enough to even try to remember stuff! I mentioned in an earlier comment that sometimes he doesn't even ask how my day has gone or what I have been up to, and this alongside the forgetting appointments I have makes me question how much of a priority I am to him. 

I have no doubts that he loves me, but is he even capable of putting the effort in to make me feel seen and heard? Or is this relationship just more about what he can get out of it? 

[sislee20]

On 1/21/2023 at 7:46 AM, jessb86a said:

Hi everyone, 

So, obviously I was on here earlier in the week to seek advice for my jealousy around a friend/co-worker and my boyfriend. A lot of the responses were very helpful and I decided it may be that I need to work on my own issues. So, I managed to get booked in with a therapist today and had my first session 😊. 

I told my boyfriend mid-week that I had my first session today and he seemed pleased for me. We didn't discuss at length, but I explained the kinds of things I might bring up about my self-worth etc. 

Anyway, neither of us have discussed it since, but he completely forgot I had the appointment. He had messaged about other things, but has forgotten that. This is not the first time he has done this. He always goes on about how bad his memory is and I know he forgets things that other people tell him so I can sort of let some stuff slide. But I would've thought that he would know this was important to me and remembered so he could ask how it went? 

Hi there again.

 I am so happy you went to talk to some one  on your  own issues. So my boyfriend has the same issue he cant rememeber nothing to save his life and some things he does remember i say but you can recall this omg lol. So my boyfriend has ADHD pretty bad an di know that is a big cause of his forgetfulness, not sure if your boyfriend has ADHD or not but if so thta could play a really big roll in it. Also most men do forget things and i dont think hey do it intentionally. And or he could have thought it was personal and didnt want to over step. But you may want to bring it to him and say maybe something along the lines of this is really important to me and it would mean alot to me if you could show some interest in it, cause your input means alot to me. Also my boyfriend I use google calendar and one of us have a important thing we wat the other to remember we share the day with one another. And his whole family does it with him cause how bad his memory is lol. its worth giving it a try. wish you the best. 

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

Yes, I think you're right. It's not about forgetting, everyone forgets from time to time. I think the issue here is that he may not be caring enough to even try to remember stuff! I mentioned in an earlier comment that sometimes he doesn't even ask how my day has gone or what I have been up to, and this alongside the forgetting appointments I have makes me question how much of a priority I am to him. 

I have no doubts that he loves me, but is he even capable of putting the effort in to make me feel seen and heard? Or is this relationship just more about what he can get out of it? 

I'd avoid going down the path of psychobabble and expanding this to "seen and heard" - no one has to make you feel anything and expanding it  this way sort of begs the question -obviously humans in a relationship with rare exception want to be "seen and heard."  Keep it to the specifics.  You want him to care enough to ask how your day was and to specifically ask how things went with important (to you) appointments you shared with him.  "Seen and heard" is infinitely subjective.

He is capable of putting in the effort to show he cares.  That's not the issue here.  It's on you to determine what you need as far as level of care.

Example:  I took a positive pregnancy test once in my life and my husband was there to witness the blessed event.  There is a photo of it too - he was so excited and took the photo .

I then went 4 days later to confirm the positive result with a blood test at my gynecologist.  I was extremely nervous about it -what if it showed I wasn't pregnant and/or bad hormone levels/issues??

My husband was at work.  He had a lunch meeting with a colleague.  I got the results -all good! - around the time he should have been done with the meeting.  I called him got VM and I was really upset -he knew when I was getting the results and I wanted to tell him first that all was ok. 

I finally reached him.  Turns out he wasn't concerned -to him the positive at home test was all he neeed to know that I was indeed pregnant and he was over the moon about it.  I was the paranoid/insecure one and he really didn't relate to that.  He'd never experienced a pregnancy either.  I couldn't shake the feeling of being so annoyed with him for letting this earth shaking call go to VM. 

But I did, later and realized -different wavelengths.  He cared a lot.  Just wasn't insecure like me about the reliability of an at home test (and well he wasn't pregnant and hormonal).  I was not seen and heard by him that day -that is how it felt.  My feelings were not based on his level of caring and commitment to me though.  

You want him to show he cares in specific ways.  He does not.  Either this means your expectations are unrealistic or the real issue is  you don't think he cares about you or at least not enough for you to feel at home and comfortable in this relationship.  That's on you to figure out.  

[smackie9]

Your insecurities seem to project when he forgets things. That's a bad cycle or loop to get stuck in. There is always a work around/compromise. When you remind him, he is always there to support you, and knowing that should put you at ease that he does care. You just have to retrain your brain to see that as acceptable and learn to readjust your expectations. 

Tip: what you need to work on is your complete need for reassurance. That's the loop I'm talking about. When someone keeps having to give you reassurance, that enables your insecurities. You keep needing it to feel better, it wears off, and you need it again, etc

[tattoobunnie]

I have never asked anyone how therapy was; that's their safe space, and shouldn't have to divulge anything, and it's none of my business, and this is including my kid and hubs.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Tip: what you need to work on is your complete need for reassurance. That's the loop I'm talking about. When someone keeps having to give you reassurance, that enables your insecurities. You keep needing it to feel better, it wears off, and you need it again, etc

I agree 100%. It's not his responsibility to act as a therapist or parent. It's a real attraction killer.

Sure, it's really nice when your partner says "I know you're going through a tough time and I want you to know I'm here for you". But to rely on him to remember your appointments and using that as an indication of whether he loves you or not is another thing entirely. 

He's had to do enough reassuring. It's going to get old really fast. 

Jess, if you absolutely require a boyfriend who remembers your appointments and asks you about them each time, this guy might not be the one for you. If you also require constant reassurance that he loves you and doesn't have "feelings" for someone else, again he may not be the right one. 

I hope you choose to explore these things with your therapist so you can determine if your boyfriend is truly lacking what you require or if it's your fear, insecurity and anxiety that are interfering in your relationship. 

[happy1]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He's had to do enough reassuring. It's going to get old really fast. 

Jess, if you absolutely require a boyfriend who remembers your appointments and asks you about them each time, this guy might not be the one for you. If you also require constant reassurance that he loves you and doesn't have "feelings" for someone else, again he may not be the right one. 

I hope you choose to explore these things with your therapist so you can determine if your boyfriend is truly lacking what you require or if it's your fear, insecurity and anxiety that are interfering in your relationship. 

Thank you. 😊 

I hope, with a mixture of work with my therapist and the replies on here, that I can start getting through this turmoil once and for all. 

[happy1]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Tip: what you need to work on is your complete need for reassurance. That's the loop I'm talking about. When someone keeps having to give you reassurance, that enables your insecurities. You keep needing it to feel better, it wears off, and you need it again, etc

This makes so much sense! Thank you. 

[Coily]

As a guy with a randomly good memory.  I've been pondering on this, and how as a man I'd approach these requirements for such detailed recall.

1. I'm bad at birthdays, holidays, etc. Mostly because I'm working hard and my brain can't even remember what day it is, more than once I have gone into the office on a Saturday or worked a holiday and didn't notice until I realized I was the only one in the office at lunch. So I am very task to completion focused, being asked to remember something that isn't work or healthcare related doesn't always click even with notes.
2. When it comes to other people's appointments and life events, unless I need to be there or on standby (surgeries, birth of a child, catching a flight); I figure if it's important they will bring it up and we can chat about it. It's not lack of love or care; it's a matter of how much do they want to discuss it.
3. I don't pry about details with anyone, if they want to open up fine; but I don't like to ask leading questions. Simply as I don't want to be nosy and gossipy, it makes me uncomfortable having to carry someone else's emotional turmoil.

If you want him to have notes on your appointments etc, I would suggest YOU make them. It shows him what is vitally important to you. Because in your BF's mind you may have told him about an appointment so he wouldn't worry if you came home late, not he needs to get the heat lamp out an interrogate you about it. If my GF came out of the blue and demanded I be her secretary of things I don't think I should pry about (say a routine gynecologist appointment, I am not asking about how the pap smear went). Also if my GF demanded I make notes about her appointments, and would get upset and demand an apology for not asking about what I view as intensely personal and private; I would be looking for an exit from the relationship.

The other thing is if you make the notes and put them in a central location, you both can add and refer to them. This makes it a two way form of communication, rather than him feeling put upon to validate you. It takes two in a relationship; and sometimes we have to lead by example.

[Cherylyn]

9 hours ago, jessb86a said:

Wow. This is such powerful advice. 👏 

I am completely willing to work on my own insecurities and ask myself, 'Why is it so important to me that he remembers my appointments?' At the same time as cutting him some slack and not getting worried about every appointment or important event, if he is doing it habitually (in my OP I did say that he's done it a few times), and that is starting to upset me, I need to accept that he will not change and find someone else. I can see what people are saying about needing him to soothe my insecurities, but at the same time, I really don't think it's too much to ask that he doesn't forget constantly! So I guess I have to let this time go and see what happens going forward. 

I also loved your last point about him being a sort spot related to my post about the co-worker. I think once I've done some work on me, I still need to bear in my mind that he may NOT actually be the best option for me. 

Thank you @jessb86a.  Often times, we get bogged down with day to day busyness especially with work.  Sometimes days become a blur and at the dinner table, I will tell my husband about certain appointments and how it went.  No harm no foul.  We don't make this a big issue.  If he forgot, he forgot and the discussion continues to flow well. 

Sure note taking is for a lot of people regarding tasks, chores, appointments, various to-do lists for work or home and whatnot.  If note taking for your boyfriend is going to cause such a ruckus, then simply broach important topics to him at your next opportunity.

As for your jealousy or insecurity issues, don't be so hard on yourself.  Trust is a big word and I'm not referring to fooling around type of distrust.  I'm referring to a man behaving like a real gentleman even when his girlfriend or wife isn't with him nor looking over his shoulder.  What you want is honorable behavior and while it may be a long laundry list for some people, it's not too much to expect common sense integrity from a man whether he's with you or not.  I encounter the same common decency and common courtesy from my neighbors, members of my community, etc. 

I work with a lot of men.  I've worked with a lot of men as well.  We have normal, BRIEF, superficial dynamics where everyone knows how to behave properly with good manners and it is all there is.  We don't go overboard in any which way.  I'm assuming this is what you want from your boyfriend?  It's not too much to ask nor expect common sense, honorable behaviors. 

Only time will tell.  Your patience or lack thereof will determine the trajectory of your relationship.  Either keep your standards high or accept him as is if it's all he is willing to offer.  It's your choice. 

[happy1]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I work with a lot of men.  I've worked with a lot of men as well.  We have normal, BRIEF, superficial dynamics where everyone knows how to behave properly with good manners and it is all there is.  We don't go overboard in any which way.  I'm assuming this is what you want from your boyfriend?  It's not too much to ask nor expect common sense, honorable behaviors. 

Only time will tell.  Your patience or lack thereof will determine the trajectory of your relationship.  Either keep your standards high or accept him as is if it's all he is willing to offer.  It's your choice. 

I think that is exactly it! I absolutely expect that I could trust a partner when my back is turned. It's not about full-blown cheating; it's about trusting they are behaving honourably with others, in particular, co-workers. 

Thank you so much. I've realised I do have standards, and maybe he I'm wondering whether he's not going to match them? It's now working out whether I can lower them or whether actually, I don't want to and I should find someone who will. 

[happy1]

10 hours ago, Coily said:

The other thing is if you make the notes and put them in a central location, you both can add and refer to them. This makes it a two way form of communication, rather than him feeling put upon to validate you. It takes two in a relationship; and sometimes we have to lead by example.

Thank you for your perspectives!

That's a great idea! We don't live together, but going forward, that would definitely work. 

[happy1]

19 hours ago, sislee20 said:

Hi there again.

 I am so happy you went to talk to some one  on your  own issues. So my boyfriend has the same issue he cant rememeber nothing to save his life and some things he does remember i say but you can recall this omg lol. So my boyfriend has ADHD pretty bad an di know that is a big cause of his forgetfulness, not sure if your boyfriend has ADHD or not but if so thta could play a really big roll in it. Also most men do forget things and i dont think hey do it intentionally. And or he could have thought it was personal and didnt want to over step. But you may want to bring it to him and say maybe something along the lines of this is really important to me and it would mean alot to me if you could show some interest in it, cause your input means alot to me. Also my boyfriend I use google calendar and one of us have a important thing we wat the other to remember we share the day with one another. And his whole family does it with him cause how bad his memory is lol. its worth giving it a try. wish you the best. 

Thanks for this! My boyfriend has always wondered if he has ADHD, but never got diagnosed. I had no idea that could be affecting his memory! I don't really know the signs or symptoms. Thanks for sharing your experience! 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

Thanks for this! My boyfriend has always wondered if he has ADHD, but never got diagnosed. I had no idea that could be affecting his memory! I don't really know the signs or symptoms. Thanks for sharing your experience! 

Why the focus on "bad memory?" Even if that is true as you see he knows this and puts in effort to make notes for himself for work.  Certainly he can choose to be evaluated but even if the diagnosis is ADHD how would that affect your frustration and disappointment with how he treats you?