Girl shared very personal information on our third date and then abruptly left

[Mick17]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm confused.   Why is she blaming YOU because SHE brought up the topic?  What exactly were you supposed to do, tell her "Shut up!  I don't want you to talk about this!!!"

More like it seemed like she was blaming me. She didn't use any language to say that. I'm trying to remember exactly what she said, but paraphrased it was something like: when we talked about my past in depth so soon, it prevented me from being able to bring the subject up with you when I felt more prepared. I felt like my ability to control when I could share that personal information was taken away from me.

So maybe she was focusing on the situation and not me. 

[boltnrun]

How was anything "taken away" from her? By whom?

Anyway it seems you really, really want to keep dating her, so maybe that makes everything she says or does acceptable. 

[Mick17]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How was anything "taken away" from her? By whom?

I'm mixing two memories. She was talking about how I knew about her past affair before we even met, via a mutual acquaintance. Me having this knowledge made her feel strange (I think I would too if my date knew stuff about me that I didn't share), and because I admitted to knowing early on. So no one "took" away her chance to share, it was done incidentally.

[Nebraskagirl14]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I'm confused.   Why is she blaming YOU because SHE brought up the topic?  What exactly were you supposed to do, tell her "Shut up!  I don't want you to talk about this!!!"

1000% agree. It felt to me from the very first post that this woman was not whatsoever ready to let go of the past and move forward. I’m not really sure why she fully participated in and even initiated the conversation and then is running away and he is taking responsibility. I think she just isn’t ready to be with someone else. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Mick17 said:

Attraction is a strange concept that's hard to understand and it's hard to regain. Am I "damaged goods" in her eyes because I know too much?

When two people want to be together they are - and the "concept" of attraction doesn't matter -it might be fun or interesting to read novels and nonfiction and psychological analyses of the concept of passion, chemistry and attraction  or to study that as part of a career choice (I have read many books dealing with the issue for many years -the subject fascinates me) but between two individuals it need not be analyzed - most people with rare exception feel attracted to the the person and if it's mutual you have that connection and can choose what to do about it, if anything.  Yes in the wrong matches or the wrong relationships the issue of attraction can loom large because it can be the reason things aren't working at any stage. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

1000% agree. It felt to me from the very first post that this woman was not whatsoever ready to let go of the past and move forward. I’m not really sure why she fully participated in and even initiated the conversation and then is running away and he is taking responsibility. I think she just isn’t ready to be with someone else. 

I think she's not ready to be with someone who has such specific knowledge of the people involved.  

[Mick17]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think she's not ready to be with someone who has such specific knowledge of the people involved.  

And if I had not tipped my hand during that first convo, not mention my connection, things would be different?
 

I decided to share with her what I knew because I can’t fake ignorance on the subject, I couldn’t have a genuine first time reaction to what she was telling me. Am I kidding myself? There’s also something to be said for keeping mum and not saying anything

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

And if I had not tipped my hand during that first convo, not mention my connection, things would be different?
 

I decided to share with her what I knew because I can’t fake ignorance on the subject, I couldn’t have a genuine first time reaction to what she was telling me. Am I kidding myself? There’s also something to be said for keeping mum and not saying anything

No, concealing your knowledge from her would be a bad idea. Eventually the truth would have come out and caused trust issues.

I agree with your plan to back off and let her deal with her situation. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Mick17 said:

And if I had not tipped my hand during that first convo, not mention my connection, things would be different?
 

I decided to share with her what I knew because I can’t fake ignorance on the subject, I couldn’t have a genuine first time reaction to what she was telling me. Am I kidding myself? There’s also something to be said for keeping mum and not saying anything

No not what I said or meant.  I think no matter how it came out she is expressing discomfort.  She might be very attracted to you still and not comfortable dating you.  Time will tell. I'd move on for now.

[Mick17]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No not what I said or meant.  I think no matter how it came out she is expressing discomfort.  She might be very attracted to you still and not comfortable dating you.  Time will tell. I'd move on for now.

It's just an unfortunate coincidence that I knew about her past. I would hope for a clean slate too if I were her. I just hope that she can see that I don't pose any threat by knowing all that information and that I am not trying to remind her. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

It's just an unfortunate coincidence that I knew about her past. I would hope for a clean slate too if I were her. I just hope that she can see that I don't pose any threat by knowing all that information and that I am not trying to remind her. 

She might see all of that and hope for that.  And also decide not to get involved in a potential relationship with you because she doesn't want to risk getting involved and then being triggered etc.  It's not like an on off switch.

[Mick17]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She might see all of that and hope for that.  And also decide not to get involved in a potential relationship with you because she doesn't want to risk getting involved and then being triggered etc.  It's not like an on off switch.

That's true about the on off switch. She had a panic attack because of the reminder. To me it means she still has a lot of unresolved emotions surrounding the event. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

That's true about the on off switch. She had a panic attack because of the reminder. To me it means she still has a lot of unresolved emotions surrounding the event. 

Right -so I would get this to the periphery of your radar because it could be infinite number of reasons.  She may have no unresolved emotions and be concerned being with you could be too much of a reminder, etc -you can speculate till the cows come home.  I'd focus on facts not feelings.  Facts are she's ambivalent about dating you.  For whatever reason or reasons.  Fact is she's shared that it's somehow connected to your connection to this situation. 

The rest of it is speculation - how she is reacting right now, why she is reacting, what she may or may not do about any reaction, etc.  It's just not going to get you to a peaceful comfy place to keep ruminating on it. 

People are allowed to choose to stop dating someone especially a very new someone for major reasons, minor reasons, no reason at all.  I know  you want answers and it's frustrating but I think you have to accept you may never know exactly why.

[Mick17]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right -so I would get this to the periphery of your radar because it could be infinite number of reasons.  She may have no unresolved emotions and be concerned being with you could be too much of a reminder, etc -you can speculate till the cows come home.  I'd focus on facts not feelings.  Facts are she's ambivalent about dating you.  For whatever reason or reasons.  Fact is she's shared that it's somehow connected to your connection to this situation. 

I just feel so stupid because I did not need to volunteer as much information as I did. I could have just acknowledged the story, listening carefully, and moved onto a new subject. Instead I felt like I needed to be honest and tell her that so and so used to have my job and this person told me about that detail from her past. It was not even necessary to admit and it caused so much anxiety.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I just feel so stupid because I did not need to volunteer as much information as I did. I could have just acknowledged the story, listening carefully, and moved onto a new subject. Instead I felt like I needed to be honest and tell her that so and so used to have my job and this person told me about that detail from her past. It was not even necessary to admit and it caused so much anxiety.

I think you did what you thought was best -please stop beating yourself up and it would have been much worse if she found out later or some other way.  

[Mick17]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you did what you thought was best -please stop beating yourself up and it would have been much worse if she found out later or some other way.  

I don’t think she would have found out any other way. My friend at her old workplace doesn’t know her, only the vague story. And I don’t know the guy she was involved with, he was at my current workplace years ago and no one there knows that he was later involved in an affair. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I don’t think she would have found out any other way. My friend at her old workplace doesn’t know her, only the vague story. And I don’t know the guy she was involved with, he was at my current workplace years ago and no one there knows that he was later involved in an affair. 

You'd be surprised.  How about this:  I have a friend in my current city and a few years ago she discovered her boyfriend/father of her child was cheating on her.  She referenced the person's first name and that she went by "Dr."  She wanted to show me a very nasty letter the mistress sent her.  I said no -I didn't want to see it, didn't want to be involved to that extent. 

A few years later her boyfriend died suddenly.  A month later a former friend/now just FB friend happened to post about the death.  I knew this friend from my former city hundreds of miles away and while the friend had lived in my city for awhile she did not any longer.  Something clicked.  Same first name and she was a doctor.  I looked at her FB photos and sure enough saw photos of her and this man quite chummy.  So I realized I actually did know the mistress.  I never told my friend -I mean, he was deceased, she'd moved on - what would be the benefit.

And, a few years ago I got a private message from a FB friend of mine in my city.  She wrote "how do you know "K"?"  K was my friend from my former city.  Turns out K was married to this woman's former brother in law - there was a contentious divorce after a long separation and my friend first got involved with this man while he was still legally married.  I'd never met her husband but knew a lot about him.  I won't tell K of the connection -again, why?

It's a terribly small world out there.  Especially if you're dating someone with a past like that.  And you can't count on people being discreet and with social media the connections become clear so very fast with very few "degrees of separation."  

[boltnrun]

Isn't the military a pretty small world, particularly on base?

My friend who ended up having an issue that led to him leaving the military knew a LOT of people on base. He left the state after his issues because, as he put it, everyone knew. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Mick17 said:

It was not even necessary to admit and it caused so much anxiety

And how could you possibly have known her mental state is still this fragile?

This has nothing to do with revealing what you know, and everything to do with her unresolved feelings for him and about this situation. 

She isn't ready to date, regardless how much you knew or not. 

[Mick17]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Isn't the military a pretty small world, particularly on base?

My friend who ended up having an issue that led to him leaving the military knew a LOT of people on base. He left the state after his issues because, as he put it, everyone knew. 

It is indeed a small world. We work in different bases but in the same locality. This stuff happened before she moved here, but as you know, things have a way of being found out thru the grapevine.

[Mick17]

50 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And how could you possibly have known her mental state is still this fragile?

This has nothing to do with revealing what you know, and everything to do with her unresolved feelings for him and about this situation. 

I had no idea. Probably would have come up at some point even if I didn't have that conversation. She said she wanted a relationship, but of course, wants and what's good for you are two different things. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Mick17 said:

She said she wanted a relationship, but of course, wants and what's good for you are two different things. 

Yes, exactly. 

If even discussing her past affair sends her into a panic attack, she cannot have another relaitonship yet. It would be a trainwreck. 

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I just feel so stupid because I did not need to volunteer as much information as I did. I could have just acknowledged the story, listening carefully, and moved onto a new subject. Instead I felt like I needed to be honest and tell her that so and so used to have my job and this person told me about that detail from her past. It was not even necessary to admit and it caused so much anxiety.

There's nothing to feel stupid about. The situation would be what it is regardless. This has more to do with the way that she deals with challenges than it does with you admitting that you knew about the affair. 

Getting up and walking away in the middle of an important conversation is not a normal coping technique. Can you imagine if people did that at work? Or on their military assignment? 

I know you like this person and sympathize with her, but I think you really need to stand back a bit until you can see what's really going on.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Mick17 said:

I had no idea. Probably would have come up at some point even if I didn't have that conversation. She said she wanted a relationship, but of course, wants and what's good for you are two different things. 

She may have thought she did - and was ready for one - when she said that.

[Mick17]

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

There's nothing to feel stupid about. The situation would be what it is regardless. This has more to do with the way that she deals with challenges than it does with you admitting that you knew about the affair. 

Getting up and walking away in the middle of an important conversation is not a normal coping technique. Can you imagine if people did that at work? Or on their military assignment? 

I just feel like I rushed things by having this conversation so soon. I think if it was later on, she would have felt more comfortable sharing. But it's impossible to tell ahead of time. People do have panic attacks at work, while deployed, along with all sorts of other reactions. It's why we have resilience coordinators and mental health professionals available. Fortunately I've never had to use those resources, but they are there.