The loveliest guy and only guy who has ever liked me back changed and I don’t know why

[Frostypeach]

Anyone able to tell me why he behaved like this and why I’ve not met any decent guys since. I’m 27 and concerned how I can meet a nice attractive partner?

Trying to comprehend why he behaved like this

I’d never had a boyfriend. I wondered if something was wrong with me as I was always an afterthought. I had a few situationships which I had to leave as I didn’t feel I was being treated properly.

I was on the dating apps for years and last year opened the app to see a message from a guy who looked lovely. He told me he was unemployed as he had just moved to My city from Abroad a few weeks before ,but starting to get things together and start a new factory job and wants to be an actor. The chats were amazing and he was consistent with texting . He constantly texted me about his day, what he was eating, random videos and I thought it was really cute. This went on for like a month, until I told him I really wanted to see him and finally we met in person

I had to plan the first date as he didn’t know what was around. I booked a table at a pub and we had a nice evening.

I liked him and felt we connected well. He told me how beautiful he thought I was, he was full of compliments and his texting me non stop continued. I had a car, but he didn’t, so I planned picnic dates, walks, even a little camping holidate, I would pick him up from his house. He never offered to pay for a meal or anything, we only ever split which I was happy about as I understood he was broke. I loved all our time together, I didn’t want the dates to end.n he was really nice, like one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, attentive and affectionate. Told me ‘don’t know if you know this, but I’m quite a nice guy.’ He said his love language was quality time and how important it is to meet each other’s love languages.

We lived 1.5 hours away from each other and he told me I should move closer. I was looking to move anywa . I got an apartment about 30 mins from his house. But as soon as I moved, it just hit me. He never planned anything, he never took me on a date, not even ever buying me a coffee. He would take a photo of the receipt for me to pay him back later on

In fact, I started to notice a big change in his personality. I started to notice and feel bothered by him still talking to his ex situationships as friends. He followed a lot of girls on instagram but claimed they are all girls he’s met or friends with, and not random women. But he was always liking their bikini photos. His 4 different exes were always mentioned by him in convo. Like ‘my ex did or liked that!’

Nevertheless he was so geeky and sweet, everyone loved him

My birthday came round and I remember being completeLy disappointed by his lack of effort. I know from his instagram, his exes used to post that he spoilt them on their birthday. He did nothing for me. Despite me still putting effort in and being so supportive of him.

Then I really noticed a change in the way he was. He lived in his mates spare room and his mate asked him to take shorter showers. I found out then, he hated any confrontation and ranted to me about how  up he was always told to take made him take long showers and called him dirty. 

I foolishly also insured him on my car, and I let him drive us places. There was this time I asked him to move my car slightly back and he refused. So I did it myself. And never have I seen a man give me such a horrible death stare, shaking his head at me.

Other things included calling me manipulative when I brought up my needs. I tried to talk about my feelings, and he always changed the subject back to himself and how *** his life was. I asked him to meet a need of mine and he started going on about how his ex did that too and she was manipulative. Then I felt sorry for him so kept quiet. I knew he was having a hard time being broke and not being able to find his first job as an actor

One day we went to the cinema and I texted him as he was in the toilet. I’m getting you a drink, what would you like. I bought him some snacks and a drink and gave it him. He said ‘ohhh nice of you to actually take me on a date.’ Upset me as I always planned things for us to do, cooked him meals etc. I was always generous. ‘Guess it’s paying me back for the meal I bought for your birthday 2 months ago you never paid me back for.’

Finally, we were shopping in department store one night and I pointed out a cute  table set. I said ‘I can’t wait to have kids in future.’ And he said ‘ooooooh dealbreakers, I think I’ve changed my mind on kids but when you’re 35 and I still don’t want them, you’re hot so you can find somewhere else.’ Felt quite shocked. Then he kept saying things like ‘wow we’re the most attractive people in here.’

I felt like I couldn’t have a differing opinion to him either. One day we were watching a tv show about a certain country and I said ‘I don’t actually fancy travelling there as my food allergies would mean it’s hard to eat.’ And he snapped and said ‘WELL I DO!’

A few weeks later, he dumped me over the phone, said he never fell in love.

It’s been a while since breakup and I’m on the dating apps again, but no guy if putting forward the energy or effort I’m looking for. Every date I’ve been on has lacked effort and chemistry. Feel pretty doomed tbh

[Kwothe28]

You ran into "leecher". A complete parasite that used you for favors. They are sweet until they seduce you. He found you, without too much dating experience. Is charismatic so seducing wasnt the issue. After that, you were under his spell. And he used that in his favor. Until you bored him and he probably found somebody else to sponsor him. Because trust me, that guy has a few of them like you.

Also, he didnt change. He was always a piece of crap. You just didnt saw it until it was too late. Sorry it happened, please dont romanticize somebody like that and seek the same from other men. That guy was bad for you from the start.

Also, dont expect too much from dating apps. They are low effort. Instead try to go out more. Maybe join some interesting club. Meet people in real life organically. 

[Coily]

You fell for a pretty face, and the bum showed himself to be the narcissist he always was, vapid and shallow.

I would also say this boy did nothing but take advantage of you for the entirety of your relationship. You were looking for a future and he was looking for a friggen  handout. He used his pretty boy looks to manipulate and uptake advantage of you. Oh and he put the effort into manipulating you, because he’s a bum and could flatter his way into your wallet. He’s utter trash, and not worth a second thought.

I would also say this should be a wake up call for you, like it is with many, looks without character will give you warm fuzzies; but ultimately they’re looking for a free ride because they’re pretty. As you say you’re attractive, I have no doubt there’s a lot of handsome men out there who are probably not where you expect. Also consider men who may not be 10s in the looks dept but are in the character dept.

Also I think it’s very important to cultivate that effort and drive in a partner, sometimes they just need positive reinforcement to make the effort. Communicate expectations clearly.

[Frostypeach]

Sometimes I wonder if I communicated what I needed more, maybe we would still be together? I did communicate one day and said I felt I put all the effort in, but he went all weird and sad with me bringing an issue up. 
 

i hope I didn’t ruin the relationship myself 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Sometimes I wonder if I communicated what I needed more, maybe we would still be together? I did communicate one day and said I felt I put all the effort in, but he went all weird and sad with me bringing an issue up. 
 

i hope I didn’t ruin the relationship myself 

There was no relationship. He had no money and was looking for a woman who had low self esteem to get whatever he could out of her. He was not "lovely", far from it.

When you're starving even a bug covered old sandwich will look delicious. This guy is a big covered old sandwich.

Don't be so desperate to find a boyfriend you settle for the bottom of the barrel. You should still hold out for a man of quality, not an unemployed egotistical user. 

[Frostypeach]

I never realised people would use me for that. He always told me I was beautiful and he was consistent with communication, I thought it was so nice and really believed him. I hope he found me somewhat beautiful 

[Coily]

17 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Sometimes I wonder if I communicated what I needed more, maybe we would still be together? I did communicate one day and said I felt I put all the effort in, but he went all weird and sad with me bringing an issue up. 
 

i hope I didn’t ruin the relationship myself 

You did absolutely nothing wrong!
 

He’s a bum, trash, a narcissist loser. Once he discovered that you cared, he ran for the hills and decided tearing you down was his out.  He was going to toss you to the curb when he thought he could get more from someone else.

Don’t let this pathetic boy ruin your happiness.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I hope I didn’t ruin the relationship myself 

You dodged a bullet. There were multiple red flags. Be grateful you're free of someone this parasitic.

In the future, carefully screen for deal breakers and red flags. It's not worth the headaches and heartaches of being with unscrupulous people.

[Frostypeach]

He really might be a narcissist?

the thing is, I bumped into him by random the other day. He came up to me, and hugged me. He said ‘the breakup was nothing bad’ but he didn’t really ask me much about myself. I told him it was my birthday and I was just going to visit a friend and he looked shocked and said ‘no it’s not!?’ But he didn’t say happy birthday.

i don’t think a narcissist would come up and hug me right?

[Starlight925]

Oh. My.

Not diagnosing, but this one has narcissist tendencies written all over him.

Showing you a photo of a receipt so you can pay him back for coffee?  

Then making you feel insecure by clicking on all of his ex's IG photos and bringing them up in conversation, only to drive a little knife in further each time.

Then repeating how beautiful you are, texting you his food, his little sweet nothings (truly nothing, as texting is free), and berating you for not planning proper dates.  

But getting you to move closer to him, drive to him, pay for him, even insuring him on your car?

There is no "there" there.

This wasn't a relationship.  My guess is (and I'm not a therapist, soooo.....).....this is your own issues, from your own wayback machine, trying to find love, feel love, feel loved.  Somewhere, someone made you feel less than, not deserving.  This guy put a temporary, non-waterproof bandaid over your wound, and now that the bandaid has dissolved, it's time for you to figure out why you were so drawn to this.

Edited to add:  You seem to be surprised at all the "Yep, he's a narcissist" comments here.

A quick lesson on how a narcissist approaches a relationship:

Love Bomb/Idealize.  Devalue.  Replace.  Discard.  Repeat.

I know you'll say, "but he hasn't replaced me"!  He doesn't have to, as you've been "replaced" this whole time with his exes.  He has them at his fingertips to contact.

Oh, and guess what....you are now one of his exes that he will maintain contact with, to unsettle his next girl.  And the next one, and the next one.

This move is called "Hoovering" as in the vacuum.  Hoover you back in, say pretty things, then turn the vacuum off, you wonder where he is, and he hoovers on back in.

 

[Coily]

1 minute ago, Flowerbee said:

He really might be a narcissist?

the thing is, I bumped into him by random the other day. He came up to me, and hugged me. He said ‘the breakup was nothing bad’ but he didn’t really ask me much about myself. I told him it was my birthday and I was just going to visit a friend and he looked shocked and said ‘no it’s not!?’ But he didn’t say happy birthday.

i don’t think a narcissist would come up and hug me right?

Oh they will. Anything to keep you on the hook and make them not look like the villain in this situation.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Flowerbee said:

I don’t think a narcissist would come up and hug me right?

You don't need popular labels to recognize people who use people. Please don't fall for saccharine lines when someone is using you.

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Sometimes I wonder if I communicated what I needed more, maybe we would still be together? I did communicate one day and said I felt I put all the effort in, but he went all weird and sad with me bringing an issue up. 
 

i hope I didn’t ruin the relationship myself 

I think you didn't communicate because you were desperate and lied to yourself and didn't want to rock the boat.  Also it's safer to be into someone who is unavailable to you -he never showed you through actions that he saw a future with you and in fact showed you the opposite -you got to be in control and feel like a hero.  Just consider whether this is "safer" for you than actually being vulnerable to someone who wants you also. 

I'm flabbergasted as to why you would be friends with someone who would send you a photo of a receipt like that let alone want to date that person.  He was full of trendy psychobabble about love languages but no substance.  Ick.

I'm sorry you got hurt!

[Frostypeach]

3 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Oh. My.

Not diagnosing, but this one has narcissist tendencies written all over him.

Showing you a photo of a receipt so you can pay him back for coffee?  

Then making you feel insecure by clicking on all of his ex's IG photos and bringing them up in conversation, only to drive a little knife in further each time.

Then repeating how beautiful you are, texting you his food, his little sweet nothings (truly nothing, as texting is free), and berating you for not planning proper dates.  

But getting you to move closer to him, drive to him, pay for him, even insuring him on your car?

There is no "there" there.

This wasn't a relationship.  My guess is (and I'm not a therapist, soooo.....).....this is your own issues, from your own wayback machine, trying to find love, feel love, feel loved.  Somewhere, someone made you feel less than, not deserving.  This guy put a temporary, non-waterproof bandaid over your wound, and now that the bandaid has dissolved, it's time for you to figure out why you were so drawn to this.

 

Well I hope it’s not my own issues. In the beginning I was drawn to his kind demeanour. His consistent communication. He’s the only attractive man that’s ever liked me back, and he wasn’t super handsome, I just liked him. I stuck it out a bit more because I’d never had someone interested in me, I was always called ugly at school and other guys I’ve dated have left me for other women. So he was focusing all his attention on me, messaging me all the time, voice notes, and told me I was the only girl he was speaking to as he said he doesn’t have the mental capacity to talk to others so he was glad this worked out he said. 
 

then I lost attraction to him. I thought I was the problem. I felt quite confused why I didn’t have feelings anymore. I was going to approach the topic of just being friends as I didn’t feel a connection

[Starlight925]

Just now, Flowerbee said:

Well I hope it’s not my own issues. In the beginning I was drawn to his kind demeanour. His consistent communication. He’s the only attractive man that’s ever liked me back, and he wasn’t super handsome, I just liked him. I stuck it out a bit more because I’d never had someone interested in me, I was always called ugly at school and other guys I’ve dated have left me for other women. 

You contradicted yourself here.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

to his kind demeanour. His consistent communication.

You mean the way he typed to you? Of course he was kind when you were footing the bill and adding him to your insurance.  His consistent actions were not kind and not giving.

[Frostypeach]

4 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

You contradicted yourself here.

When I said other guys I’ve dated. I’ve had situationships which didn’t lead to anything. Never had a biyffuend before him

[catfeeder]

This was never a reciprocal relationship. If you want to avoid similar situations in the future, allow a date to reciprocate your efforts. If that doesn't happen, let him go.

Otherwise, the message you send is that you're gullible and desperate enough to tolerate mistreatment just to keep a guy--any guy.

Head high, and raise your standards.

[MissCanuck]

This guy was a louse from the start, and clearly never as invested as you. 

You sound like a lovely woman with a kind heart - but without any boundaries. You are going to need to work on your self-esteem so you don't wind up in another situation like this. The wrong guys will absolutely take advantage of you, much like this one did. 

Whether he's a narcissist or not is not for anyone here to say. What matters is that you work on your own behaviour and thought patterns that led you here. 

[Frostypeach]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This guy was a louse from the start, and clearly never as invested as you. 

You sound like a lovely woman with a kind heart - but without any boundaries. You are going to need to work on your self-esteem so you don't wind up in another situation like this. The wrong guys will absolutely take advantage of you, much like this one did. 

Whether he's a narcissist or not is not for anyone here to say. What matters is that you work on your own behaviour and thought patterns that led you here. 

But my family and friends said I was single as I always cut guys off at the first tiny red flag. I always had very high boundaries and it got me nowhere.

i went on a first date with this guy and I wasn’t totally sure about him on the first date. My friends were telling me to plan another date and stop being so fussy. 

i told him quite early on I had dated ***ty guys in the past. He seemed so loving. He was scared I would leave him. He showed me off to all his friends. I felt like he was very invested and worried why he wasn’t 

[DarkCh0c0]

Damn Girl. What is up with the low standards? 

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

He told me he was unemployed

Red flag #1. Unemployed and unable to support himself. Broke.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

starting to get things together and start a new factory job and wants to be an actor

#2. All talk. Talk is sooo cheap. How can he start a factory when he's a foreigner without money? And an actor too? How?

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

Told me ‘don’t know if you know this, but I’m quite a nice guy.’

#3 Whenever a guy tells you he's a "nice guy", run!!! It's a red flag. A man who is nice will show it through his actions and not by filler words. He will not need to sell it to you.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

I had to plan the first date as he didn’t know what was around

#4 Seriously?! What about Google maps? Trip Advisor? Girl you set the bar way too low. YOU basically took HIM out on a date.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

I had a car, but he didn’t, so I planned picnic dates, walks, even a little camping holidate, I would pick him up from his house.

#5 Again? You are planning all this? Picking him up, driving him around like a chauffeur and making sure he's well fed like his mother?

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

He never planned anything, he never took me on a date, not even ever buying me a coffee. He would take a photo of the receipt for me to pay him back later on

#6 Yup. Your bar is low low low. Yet, you stuck around instead of walking away.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

But he was always liking their bikini photos.

#7 What a trash act.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

I know from his instagram, his exes used to post that he spoilt them on their birthday. He did nothing for me.

#8 He took you for granted and YOU gave him yourself, your time, your money... Everything! Without him having to lift a finger for you in exchange. Nonetheless, you stayed and showed him that you are OK being treated like this.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

Other things included calling me manipulative when I brought up my needs. I tried to talk about my feelings, and he always changed the subject back to himself and how *** his life was.

#100 I'll stop here. There are a lot more red flags concerning his manipulation. This man is a POS and a terrible user. He completely took advantage of you, your car, your money, ect. And YOU let him do that. He used his looks and affection to his advantage to deceive you.

When you stay with a man after seeing the trash way he treats you, you show him that you will put up with it.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

I didn’t want the dates to end.n he was really nice, like one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, attentive affectionate

See, your bar was way too low. He's attractive. So? He's affectionate. So? His actions were terrible!

However, this is an opportunity for you to open your eyes on your standards and start believing in your own worth. Don't depend on any man like that. You got you and any man who doesn't add to your peace and happiness goes back to the pond. Guy doesn't plan for a date asap? Bye. Walk away. Guy doesn't put in efforts? Bye. Walk away. Guy switches behaviour and becomes unavailable? Bye. Learn to walk away. Block and delete.

As for dating new ones, be more selective and give it time. Don't settle for any unacceptable behaviour. Write down your list of must haves and deal breakers and learn to stick to it. Learn to love and value yourself and your time. Only give your time to the man who earns it. Slowly, but surely, you will get closer to the right healthy partner 💚

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

He seemed so loving

He did?

The same guy who: let you plan everything, talked about his exes all the time, did nothing for your birthday, generally mooched off you and didn't reciprocate your attention and affection? 

That seems loving to you? 

[Frostypeach]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He did?

The same guy who: let you plan everything, talked about his exes all the time, did nothing for your birthday, generally mooched off you and didn't reciprocate your attention and affection? 

That seems loving to you? 

I was really worried I was asexual until I met him. He’s actually the only man who’s ever turned me on. So naturally I was worried I would never find that again. I hope do and I’m not asexual. I had a lot of desire for him about a month after we started dating 

[DarkCh0c0]

The loveliest guy and only guy who has ever liked me back changed and I don’t know why

He was never lovely to start with.

I advise you to seek therapy and unpack your self worth and daddy issues. I'm getting the feeling that you have not had an available or healthy father growing up, so you had no healthy example to draw from reg. men. But, I could be wrong. Whatever it is, therapy will be extremely helpful to you. You are worthy and deserve a healthy available partner. Take care 💚

[boltnrun]

It's hard to feel desire for a turd.

To heck with what your friends and family think of him. If they like him so much, pass his number along to them so they too can be fleeced by a user.

Please don't buy into a mindset that any man, no matter how awful, is better than being single. It's not.