how soon is too soon to call it quits?

[secretcheb]

hello, looking for advice.

me and my partner have been together for about 10 months now, but we've been friends for years. (went out to visit as a friend, realized we liked each other, got together).  due to our history i moved into his place pretty early in the relationship (about 5 months in) and, realistically, everything is fine.  we get along well, share most of the same beliefs and ideals, and have a rough future plan of what we want.

from the beginning though, he has always had a seemingly lower libido, at least lower than me. it has never been my expectation for him to match me as, while i love intimacy, i don't need it all the time. im perfectly capable of taking care of myself most of the time. that being said, it IS a requirement for me in a relationship.

im feeling stuck now because that lower libido has basically dropped to 0. it has been about a month since anything has happened, and im pretty open about what counts as intimacy.  it doesn't have to be sex, i just need to be able to feel that bond with my partner.

in his defense, a few months ago he was on antidepressants but has now stopped and while i know this issue likely isn't his fault and i try to be understanding, I'm not gonna lie and say it's not hurting me.

my self esteem is rapidly dropping (especially since i wouldn't consider myself a pretty woman by any standard) and i wonder if he's just... bored of me. we don't seem to spend much time together anymore as he's gone back to working. i find it impossible to bring up because making him feel forced to be intimate with me feels just as bad and i don't want him to feel guilty about what he can't help, im just terrified of a dead bedroom & don't want to be in a long term relationship with somebody who isn't able to do a very, very low minimum.

as a sidenote, i don't think he is cheating. he doesn't disappear, act weird, and he's a very cut and dry person - if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't.

is it too soon to call it quits? do people come back from this?

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, secretcheb said:

from the beginning though, he has always had a seemingly lower libido, at least lower than me.

If he was like that in the honey moon phase, then no wonder he dropped to 0.

I'd say you've given it enough time and you're not happy about it. You can't ask him to be what he isn't. However, if this is the only thing that isn't working, I'd have at least one conversation to see his pov. This way, you would know you've done your best and can leave if the conversation isn't that helpful.

[Kwothe28]

55 minutes ago, secretcheb said:

is it too soon to call it quits? do people come back from this?

Eh, yes and no. You could try couples therapy but in order for that to work he needs to be willing to change. Your man doesnt seem to be willing to do that and had low libido even when you started to date. So its more likely that you are just incompatible from that side. And that yes, you should call it quits when you are unhappy with something that would likely never change.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, secretcheb said:

 i moved into his place pretty early in the relationship about 5 months in

Sorry this is happening. It's never too soon to cut your losses when faced with multiple problems and incompatibilities.

It's important to reflect why you jumped into this with both feet so early on. Sadly it seems like you were overinvested and overinvolved while he merely let you move in to play house, then retreated coasting along on autopilot.

Do not try to fix or change him.  Move out as soon as feasible. Making the mistake of trying to force fit this can be undone by accepting the incompatibilities and detrimental effects on you as a result.

[poorlittlefish]

You're thinking of breaking up with him but you won't even try talking to him about the issue?  That seems a bit mean to me.  You could ask how he's feeling now he's not on antidepressants or ask how he feels the relationship is going and see where the conversation leads.  It's as much his responsibility to talk about problems within the relationship as it is yours, but it seems a shame to break up without having made any attempt to resolve what's going on.

[DarkCh0c0]

8 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

You're thinking of breaking up with him but you won't even try talking to him about the issue?  That seems a bit mean to me. 

Exactly. We don't know if this is who he is or there's something else behind it. If she leaves him out of the blue, he'll be blindsided. I certainly would want to have this topic talked about before my partner makes a decision to leave me. Communication is key.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, secretcheb said:

Im feeling stuck 

I'm not gonna lie and say it's not hurting me.

my self esteem is rapidly dropping 

These are the three most important thoughts and points in your post.

At some level you know this was a too much too soon situation.

You're not happy. It's not your job to fix, change or convince him of anything or keep talking at him. 

It's your job to recognize things for what they are and do whatever is best for you.

It's unfortunate he has mental health issues, but don't allow that combined with incompatibilities to deteriorate and erode your happiness and self esteem.

[Batya33]

I agree with having an open and honest talk.  I think despite the long friendship you moved in too quickly -romantic relationships are so different and sharing living space that soon - a history of friendship has little relevance to that sort of adjustment IMO.  I was in a similar situation to you in that I got back together with an ex and we'd already dated and being engaged for 2 years in the past.  This was years later. The only "faster" thing was we decided when we got back together (we also met up as friends and realized the strong spark) was to be exclusive from day one plus talked right away about our future goals. 

We officially moved in together after we got married years later.  We spent loads of time and extended time together before that but we had our own places. Moving in together before marriage would have been a mistake because we had our son shortly after marriage and I'd likely have had unrealistic expectations about living together since it's a whole other thing to live together with a baby.

In your case being close friends and then dating doesn't mean you move in together that fast -apples and oranges IMO.  So I think also given his depression that the adjustment wreaked havoc on what was a new romantic relationship. So yes talk to him - honestly - and openly -put it all out there and state with I statements what you need and want and expect.  Then close your mouth and listen and don't interrupt -just a suggestion.  Good luck!

[smackie9]

OK you got me at low libido. Just tell him this is something you are struggling with. Maybe he will just agree and call it. 

[remerz]

I wouldn’t end it that quickly if everything else seems to be going perfectly. He could be stressed, there could be a hormonal imbalance (if he’s always been like this), it might not be you and you shouldn’t take it personally. Given that it’s an integral need for you, you must sit him down and figure out which option it is. If it’s something that can be helped, whether through medication or couples counseling, then work towards it. 
don’t throw away what you have now because of a small setback! See first if it’s fixable! 
best of luck to youuu

[Jaunty]

I think you owe it to both of you to give it a try by talking to him, and if you both agree to try counseling (both need to agree to actually DO what suggested by a therapist).   I'm sorry, though, but I don't think I've ever heard of this much of a disparity in sexuality in a relationship being resolved.   Taking care of yourself has nothing to do with the lack of reciprocation and validation that you're experiencing in this situation.  I'm sorry. 

[secretcheb]

hey folks - thanks for all the responses, definitely more than i was expecting and above all, thanks for being kind. w/ seasonal depression and this issue i was very, very sensitive last night and posted this from a place of hurt. im feeling a little better now but figured id respond.

a lot of people mentioned that they agreed we moved in too early - and i definitely agree! we had our reasons though. it was technically long distance & unfortunately, even though I could take my work anywhere, plane tickets were stupidly expensive, as was gas, making visiting consistently very costly. we were both also burned by our last long distance relationships & didn't really want that again. regardless, it's a lesson learned for the future if i need it.

whether to split or stay together, y'all were right that i should bring it up with him first. i really do love this man and id be losing out on so, so much if i didn't even try. i guess im just a little trigger happy because my last relationship left me in a sore state where i put up with way too much stuff i didn't deserve, and during my off time i told myself i wouldn't put up with being unhappy in a relationship again. some people are worth working on so im gonna give it a shot for at least a little longer and see how it goes.

thanks again for all your advice folks & if you have anything else to add, id love to hear it. much love <3

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, secretcheb said:

... y'all were right that i should bring it up with him first.

I can appreciate that this is a tender thing. Nobody feels very motivated to try to talk someone into wanting sexual bonding if they don't appear to want that.

You sound open to physical bonding that can be affectionate rather than sexual, so I would raise that as an option.

The concerning thing is him going off meds--is he being monitored with that, or is he just shutting the meds down, and why?

In your shoes, the sexual bonding would be on the shelf while I observe whether there's any personality changes that could signal a larger problem.

Drug treatments for depression or other forms of mental illness are not an exact science, they are an art, and they require slight modifications until the right substance and dosage are found. So abandoning meds, aside from possibly being physically dangerous, might appear to resolve the sexual problem even while some personality problems arise.

Stay observant and learn whether you can picture yourself happy in this relationship in your future. If not, then it's not too early to call it quits. It's smart, especially if you are in your fertility years and envision becoming a mother with a stable and emotionally and sexually generous partner.

Head high, and I hope you'll update us.

[secretcheb]

19 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I can appreciate that this is a tender thing. Nobody feels very motivated to try to talk someone into wanting sexual bonding if they don't appear to want that.

You sound open to physical bonding that can be affectionate rather than sexual, so I would raise that as an option.

The concerning thing is him going off meds--is he being monitored with that, or is he just shutting the meds down, and why?

In your shoes, the sexual bonding would be on the shelf while I observe whether there's any personality changes that could signal a larger problem.

Drug treatments for depression or other forms of mental illness are not an exact science, they are an art, and they require slight modifications until the right substance and dosage are found. So abandoning meds, aside from possibly being physically dangerous, might appear to resolve the sexual problem even while some personality problems arise.

Stay observant and learn whether you can picture yourself happy in this relationship in your future. If not, then it's not too early to call it quits. It's smart, especially if you are in your fertility years and envision becoming a mother with a stable and emotionally and sexually generous partner.

Head high, and I hope you'll update us.

He's actually been off the meds for a couple months now - i wanna say since maybe late summer? early fall? he was weaned off of them appropriately and, for a while, things seemed to get better before they just plummeted again - his words when ive briefly mentioned is that he doesn't have issues performing anymore, the drive is just gone, and i don't really want it if he's not a willing participant ya know? it was something i was very aware of anyways since i also have a history with antidepressants personally, it's just a question to me of is he still dealing with side effects or is there something he's not telling me? he's a pretty honest guy admittedly but has skimmed some stuff in the past to keep from hurting my feelings even if i tell him i can handle some hard honesty lol. 

i guess it is like you said something ill have to wait and see - kids aren't a concern, neither of us want them at all (one of the reasons we got together in the first place was that compatibility) but i do bond pretty heavily to my partners and comparability long term is one of my big concerns.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, secretcheb said:

it was something i was very aware of anyways since i also have a history with antidepressants personally, it's just a question to me of is he still dealing with side effects or is there something he's not telling me?

Then you absolutely need to have that conversation. If the drive is gone, what is he willing to do to your sex life as a couple? Gauge if he's open to find a middle-ground where you're happy too.

Also, if he tends to be on and off with antidepressants, that's a red flag and it shows he's not stable enough to be a good partner. I know this from first hand experience and I have put up, like you, with BS because of it. If he didn't seem to care enough about your needs and doesn't take his mental health seriously, then it's your time to go indeed.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, secretcheb said:

 is there something he's not telling me? he's a pretty honest guy admittedly but has skimmed some stuff in the past to keep from hurting my feelings 

If you would like to stick it out and see where it goes that's fine. 

Unfortunately it seems like you would like reassurance that he's attracted to you and not checking out physically and emotionally.

However if his physical and mental health affect his libido, no amount of talking to him yet again will alter that. You may have to accept this incompatibility for what it is rather than hoping to fix and change him.

It's important to remember that what you see is that you get. It's unclear why you hope talking to him yet again will improve his libido. 

Keep in mind that you really didn't know each other well when you moved in with him. And unfortunately you made all the sacrifices and changes so are more invested than he is.

How were things at first? Were his libido and physical functioning better in the beginning? Also keep in mind that living together can contribute to complacency.

You seem to be of two minds. One is thinking that by talking, it will help with intimacy and desire, as if he can change that willfully.

The other is thinking that by better mental health management, he'll be more affectionate and intimate because his mental health and it's management could be the cause of the lack of affection and intimacy.

[secretcheb]

On 12/24/2022 at 1:47 AM, DarkCh0c0 said:

 

Also, if he tends to be on and off with antidepressants, that's a red flag and it shows he's not stable enough to be a good partner. I know this from first hand experience and I have put up, like you, with BS because of it. If he didn't seem to care enough about your needs and doesn't take his mental health seriously, then it's your time to go indeed.

He's definitely not on and off - it was his first time on them, he was on them for a while, and he addressed the things IRL that were causing him issues (old job stress, etc) and moved on to the point where the medications he was on weren't helping him anymore & he was stable enough on his own to go off of them.

 

On 12/24/2022 at 3:51 AM, Wiseman2 said:

If you would like to stick it out and see where it goes that's fine. 

Unfortunately it seems like you would like reassurance that he's attracted to you and not checking out physically and emotionally.

However if his physical and mental health affect his libido, no amount of talking to him yet again will alter that. You may have to accept this incompatibility for what it is rather than hoping to fix and change him.

It's important to remember that what you see is that you get. It's unclear why you hope talking to him yet again will improve his libido. 

Keep in mind that you really didn't know each other well when you moved in with him. And unfortunately you made all the sacrifices and changes so are more invested than he is.

How were things at first? Were his libido and physical functioning better in the beginning? Also keep in mind that living together can contribute to complacency.

You seem to be of two minds. One is thinking that by talking, it will help with intimacy and desire, as if he can change that willfully.

The other is thinking that by better mental health management, he'll be more affectionate and intimate because his mental health and it's management could be the cause of the lack of affection and intimacy.

I think you've hit it in the first part of your post here - I definitely do just want the assurance that attraction is still there.  If it is then I'm willing to wait a lot more than if he's just lost interest in me. I'm mostly just hoping at this point is that the wild swings are just part of the process while accepting it's ok to not wait forever.

I suppose it's also important to clarify that by "low libido" I meant compared to me (once a day most of the time kinda person) he was lower, but it wasn't abysmal. I've never expected that out of any of my partners and it's never caused issues for me in the past, i really just do need a little attention from them when they're willing to give.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 minutes ago, secretcheb said:

I definitely do just want the assurance that attraction is still there.  If it is then I'm willing to wait a lot more than if he's just lost interest in me. I'm mostly just hoping at this point is that the wild swings are just part of the process while accepting it's ok to not wait forever.

Why won't you talk to him about this?

[secretcheb]

11 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Why won't you talk to him about this?

A combination of severe anxiety and the fact, y'know, it's the holidays, no real good time to talk about it without taking time out of something else or possibly ruining our holiday - until today.

We had a pretty nice chat about it and while I'm not gonna go too into detail, we both kind of laid out how we were feeling and laid some boundaries on what we could expect from each other. He also apologized and assured me it wasn't an attraction issue at all & apologized he'd made me feel that way. I'm feeling astronomically better & now that we know what to expect from each other the air is a lot less awkward.

Many thanks again to those who commented :) happy holidays folks & i hope you have a great day.

[lostandhurt]

I hope he takes the conversation to heart and goes and sees his MD for a full blood work up.  He could have low Testosterone levels or something else could be causing this.  I know a couple of fairly young guys that have low T levels and take meds for it. I do know one of them found out after seeing his doctor about feeling depressed which lead them to blood work and finding out he had a few hormones out of whack for a guy his age.

  Keep talking and if in the end the relationship ends at least neither of you will be blind sided and felt like you gave it your best effort.

 Lost