Is it possible we loved each other too much?

[Chris21324]

After some weeks of distance new thoughts came into my mind. We were happy, always together and even neglected our friends to just be with each other for almost 3 years. We would rather spend the evening in each others arms instead of going to have some fun with friends and this more than 2 years haha. The past couple of months she started losing some of her friends and they did stuff and vacations without even asking her. Our common friends and i think that the "honeymoon" phase also started to stop for her at the same time and at this same time we also didn't see each other for almost 12 weeks because of exams and family holidays. 2,5 months ago we broke up because her feelings were less. So it was all a bit much in short time.

I get the feeling this was a reality shock for her that her feelings were less than usual and that she didn't know what to think about it and she gave the vibe that she thought it was unfair to me to not have those initial butterflies anymore. Also she started to realise she had neglected her friendships and she would like to revive them. (I tried to let her meet more with her friends but she always just wanted to be with me) The last few weeks have also confirmed this since she is now meeting up a lot again with those friends and even older friends. (Her friends also spoke to me and say it is all a bit weird for them. First i was the only one for her and now she is playing besties again with them after a lot of quarrels in the past 2 years.)

Is there anything i can do? Anything i can do to let her understand that what she went through is a normal phase of the relationship and that it is all okay? It was her first relationship and she has been in honeymoon-phase for 2,5 years so she doesn't know any better. 

After 6 weeks of not speaking to each other (because i asked some distance; she wasn't happy with me asking for the distance...) is started texting her again since a couple days. She answers extensively but doens't (yet) initiate anything herself. (I also don't want to push her so i don't send a lot and let go some time between our texts)

[Kwothe28]

No its not possible. Love is carying about other human being. More so, love in a romantic sense is what you left after a while when it isnt only passion that drives you to each other. Her leaving you because "she isnt feeling it" and because she misses her friends is not love. Its an act of selfishness that only benefits her. If she loved and cared about you, she would never consider leaving you so she could have more time for her friends. Not to mention hers "not feeling it" part. Its OK, you are young, you will learn.

54 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

Is there anything i can do?

You did very good by initiating "No Contact". Until you broke it. You need to move toward acceptance that its over. And you will never do that with contacting her so she can give you extensive updates how she has been. Its not doing you a service. Dont contact her and try to move on. I think you would find the time does wonders to things like that.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

Anything i can do to let her understand that what she went through is a normal phase of the relationship and that it is all okay? It was her first relationship and she has been in honeymoon-phase for 2,5 years so she doesn't know any better. 

All this would do is show her you think she doesn't know what she's talking about and that you think you know better than she does what is best for her.

Neither of these things makes someone feel love for you. 

I'm sorry for your pain, but unfortunately the only way to feel better is to cut contact and let time do its thing.

[moodindigo91]

No, there is nothing you can do. You need to accept that she doesn't feel the same way about you. She probably knows herself and her feelings better than you. If she says she doesn't feel the same, then you need to accept that and move on. There is no point in continuing to talk to one another and drawing this breakup out. Go back to no contact and start the process of accepting this and moving on. 

[Batya33]

I remember when I was 23 and engaged briefly to Mr. Right on Paper and having doubts one of his "arguments" was that he knew we were right together and that should be enough for both of us basically.  But of course it wasn't.  And it was temporarily, bandaid-like comforting but both people have to have that core sense of rightness (IMO) for it to work long term.  

For example, during my husband and mine's engagement (6.5 weeks) and first year of marriage we experienced:  a commuter marriage (including when I went into labor 9 days early), relocating to a new city hundreds of miles from our home town, living together for the first time, being new parents, my scary post partum medical condition, my being unemployed for the first time in over 15 years and being a newlywed/new stay at home mom and some of our parents being unwell. That's life.  Did it affect our commitment or our feelings for one another? No.  Did we have arguments, conflict, stress.  Oh yes. 

But if you love each other and see loving as giving you are inspired to give and you are inspired to be a team and face those obstacles together, not apart.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

... started texting her again since a couple days. She answers extensively but doens't (yet) initiate anything herself. (I also don't want to push her so i don't send a lot and let go some time between our texts)

I'd back off. She knows how to reach you if she wants to.

The only way that you can trust anything is if it comes from her without your influence.

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

nything i can do to let her understand that what she went through is a normal phase of the relationship and that it is all okay?

No, because that isn't what happened for her. 

Respect her decision to end it, Chris. She doesn't feel the same way anymore and this was reflected in her increasing distance from you. That isn't someone who loves you too much. It's someone who doesn't love you that way anymore, sadly. That's not a phase. It's the end of a relationship. 

Please accept that and don't torture yourself by trying to hover around her. It will devastate you when you someday learn she's dating someone else and was not going to come back to you. That day will come and you will not want to have been lurking in the wings when it happens. 

[Cherylyn]

No, there is nothing you can do.  Her phase was not normal.  I remember when I was dating my husband.  We dated and had the time of our lives.  We had a brief courtship, engaged within a year and married the following year.  Even though we truly enjoyed dating, we socialized with our friends at random.  I remember backyard barbecues, park picnics, picnics at the lake, attended numerous weddings and there were a lot of happy memories.  There was no honeymoon phase.  It was all very wonderfully consistent. 

It sounds to me that your ex girlfriend was mature enough to handle a long term relationship and burned out easily.  She felt her relationship with you had since run its course. 

Stop texting her.  Both of you broke up with each other.  It's time to move on. 

[Batya33]

My husband and I had a honeymoon phase sort of when we first got back together -it was so exciting to get back together after all those years -our families and friends rallying for us and around us! We couldn't get enough of each other, etc.  But the "transition" to more settled life was smooth -it wasn't like a "huh??? this is who you really are???" Because I was excited to be with HIM -not my idea of him, not because of winning the prize of him - but him - imperfect flawed him, with imperfect flawed me.  So while it was really fun getting to know each other again and basking in the freshness of new exciting love -the settling in was just normal and flowy. 

Last night we watched Jeopardy together -often I can't, I'm cleaning up or working or busy.  We made fun of each other for our wrong answers, referenced inside jokes, etc.  I mean how boring and unhoneymoon like.  And yes we were both dressed -weren't even sitting together.  But -this is the stuff of love and commitment - I'd come off a really hard 10 day stretch of work and he is in the middle of a stressful project but we put it aside and ribbed each other and rooted for the contestants and tried to get our son to watch and laughed with him.

The stressful work, all the stuff we have to get done, million school emails leading up to holidays - etc - that cannot touch you in any real way -meaning shake you to the core or signal the end of the "honeymoon phase" if you have a strong foundation where you can come back together whether deeply or surface or somewhere in the middle -you know you have each other and it need not be exciting or wanting to be in each other's arms in one of those family size snugglies - it's in the mundane details of daily living that really matter sometimes I think. 

And the security of knowing -we might want to be together more than we are but there's this thing called life and adulting so when we are together we won't expect Honeymoon Phase just someone who gets us and will tease us mercilessly and help us blow off steam.  

It sounds like with you two you didn't love each other too much at all -you didn't love the real persons you each were and you wanted to be together all the time joined at the hip for some wrong reasons.  That's really often not sustainable so when it isn't often there's a pretty intense "crash" as opposed to how Cherlyn described the "consistency" -I agree.

[Cherylyn]

I like what @Batya33said about "strong foundation."  I would even go so far as to take it a step further by saying you have to remain realistic.  Relationships aren't constant parties or honeymoons.  Any real life is day in and day out or very routine and scheduled.  Look at life with a very mature lens and know relationships are a reflection of what everyday life is.  Relationships aren't holidays and vacations.  It's everyday behaviors and life which makes each day special on its own without highs, lows, peaks and valleys. 

Gratitude.  It's all about gratitude and never taking each other for granted no matter how joyous you feel at the moment or when you feel temporary excitement.  When you're grateful for each other and the relationship (or marriage), then everyday is a joy.  If you forget to count your blessings, then you start taking advantage of each other and the relationship (or marriage).  Then the next course is focusing on the negative such as boredom, mundane, predictable repetition and monotony.  Change the way you think. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/15/2022 at 8:51 AM, Chris21324 said:

 at this same time we also didn't see each other for almost 12 weeks because of exams and family holidays. 2,5 months ago we broke up because her feelings were less. 

Sorry this happened. How old is she? Do you know each other from campus?

Unfortunately it seems she turned a corner by going home for 3 months. Seeing friends and family, reconnecting, reevaluating.

Is there a hometown BF or old flame? There's not much you can do except what you are doing.

All you need to be careful of is not hoping for reconciliation but being in the friendzone.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

When you're grateful for each other and the relationship (or marriage), then everyday is a joy. 

And if it's not sometimes the question becomes -do I need the thrill of the chase to feel this level of joy and/or do I want thrills/excitement or quieter joy? I'm not saying experiencing the honeymoon phase is the same as the thrill of the chase -of someone who seems aloof or otherwise unavailable and making that person "yours" -honeymoon phase just as easily can be "wow! we found each other and we really click this could be forever!"

But if the exciting beginning is mostly based on fear/insecurity -feeling out of the person's league -then the joy of that person being "won over" is going to be short lived because you never really got to know the person as a person.  Same if the goal is simply to find The One and it's mostly about idealizing the other person.  It's good I think to consider what the "beginning" was based on in this sort of situation.

[Chris21324]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How old is she? Do you know each other from campus?

She now turned 21, so we went together when she had just become 18 and i had just become 19. We know each other from our studies, we were in the same group for practical classes.

 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems she turned a corner by going home for 3 months. Seeing friends and family, reconnecting, reevaluating.

Well it was 7 weeks of exams, 3 weeks of travel with her family and 2 weeks of COVID. The problem was more that in the entire summer she didn't really meet with friends (they left her out of a vacation too). (We don't live far from where we study, so each weekend we return home. Most of the weekends we weren't together because we live like 70 miles from each other and we saw each other then in the week. We both have an appartment in the city where we study so we would live with each other there during the week)

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there a hometown BF or old flame? There's not much you can do except what you are doing.

I was her first BF.

It kinda feels like she wanted to explore what else there is, because she is so young. I am also young but i was happy with what i had and didn't have the urge to go explore things on my own. I wanted to explore the world with her. Maybe it is a kind of fear too (idk), a fear of what if there is more or someone who i can have a better click with? Do i want to settle me for the rest of my life with my first love? It could be a "the grass will be greener somewhere else" reason (idk). 

The only thing she could say to me was that nothing was wrong with me or our relationship, she said that it was perfect. She said she was the problem, because she didn't know it anymore, she doubted everything (also because of losing friends and having much stress for school). She said she was searching herself again.

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you need to be careful of is not hoping for reconciliation but being in the friendzone.

Yeah, i don't hope for it anymore. I accepted it, it is not worth it to keep hoping for something u don't have in your own hands. She also didn't fight for our relationship, she just gave up. BUT i still like her and have a lot of love for her, so if we can be friends that would be great. Even if it is friendzone, i don't mind. Sure i would love a reconciliation but it is not in my hands and it is not my task to pursue it. You can't always get what you want.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's good I think to consider what the "beginning" was based on in this sort of situation.

We met in university and started being friends. We bonded clicked pretty good and she was the first one who started having feelings (she told me afterwards) and a couple of weeks later i started to get feelings. And one day we were together in a sofa watching something together and then we had "the talk" and told each other we were into each other. We decided to give it a try and soon really fell in love with each other. After a month there was COVID and lockdowns and we didn't see each other physically for 3-4 months. This was really difficult and was like a pretty heavy test for our relationship, but after those 4 months everything was just so great. Everything felt into place and we were so happy with each other. The next 2 years too, but because of COVID and being with me she started putting less time in her friends and her best friend started to ignore her and started making other friends. This was difficult for my ex, because she did want to meet up but because of COVID rules (living in "bubbles") she didn't want to take those risks. Certainly because her friends just had contact with too many people. After covid it stayed difficult and my ex also didn't really want to stay friends with her formerly best friend. But she had not much other friends. I think she was getting too comfortable with me and i have the feeling she now had like realised this because of being left out of that vacation her friends made. Instead of just talk it out with them and talk with me that she needs to put more time in her friendships so there will be less time for me (which i would be completely fine with), she broke up with me and became best friends again with this girl and also rekindled her other friendships.

I think the feelings of being left out started to let her doubt about herself and her life and ultimately also our relationship and she didn't know what to do with this doubts. She told me the feelings lessened and didn't want to keep me at the line because she didn't know how her feelings would evolve.

 

[Lambert]

On 12/15/2022 at 8:51 AM, Chris21324 said:

Is there anything i can do? Anything i can do to let her understand that what she went through is a normal phase of the relationship and that it is all okay? It was her first relationship and she has been in honeymoon-phase

Is this her perspective or yours?

you can't let anyone understand.  

 

[Chris21324]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Is this her perspective or yours?

you can't let anyone understand.  

It is what i and our mutual friends think. We don't know what she is thinking or what her reasons really were because she is not able to explain why and how to us. Just a feeling/thought that slipped in her mind and she didn't know how to handle it. Too many doubts about too many things in her life we think

[boltnrun]

Please stop gossiping about her to "mutual friends". They will tell her everything you said (yes, they will), plus it's extremely disrespectful to be discussing her with others behind her back. She gets wind of that and you can forget about even just being "friends".

How will you honestly feel when she starts talking to you about the new guy she's dating? After all, that's something friends would share.

[Chris21324]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please stop gossiping about her to "mutual friends".

This was in the first weeks when they came to me, asking what happened exactly because they didn't understand and she couldn't explain it to them too. It is no gossiping, just friends who talk about what happened and giving me emotional support.

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How will you honestly feel when she starts talking to you about the new guy she's dating? After all, that's something friends would share.

Well at first i was really scared about this, but now i accepted that this will happen. And as long as she is happy with someone else, I can't have anything against it and will just be happy for her. Yes it means i can't have her but it is her decision and i just need to live with it. I will not let jealousy destroy the good connection we have. Ofcourse it is likely that she (or the new bf) will ask not to have contact with me anymore. So be it then, but i will not be the one to pull the plug out of our relation/friendship/connection.

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

This was in the first weeks when they came to me, asking what happened exactly because they didn't understand and she couldn't explain it to them too. It is no gossiping, just friends who talk about what happened and giving me emotional support.

Responding to their inquiries is gossiping and it was none of their business.  Emotional support is  you expressing your feelings -without talking about her behind her back or speculating -and your friends helping you through your struggles.  she doesn't have to explain to anyone.  All she owes you -which she has done now -is to tell you she doesn't feel the same way anymore and doesn't want to date you anymore.  So please don't do this again if as you say you care about her.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

This was in the first weeks when they came to me, asking what happened exactly because they didn't understand and she couldn't explain it to them too.

She doesn't need to explain it to them. The fact that her feelings changed is enough. Your mutual friends are not owed any other explanation. 

On 12/15/2022 at 2:51 PM, Chris21324 said:

Anything i can do to let her understand that what she went through is a normal phase of the relationship

It's also entirely normal to outgrow your first relationship, OP. Most people don't stay with their first loves forever, and there's good reason for that. She has grown and changed. You aren't in any better position to speak about what is "normal" in a relationship than she is. She has simply recognized that she doesn't feel strongly enough about you anymore, and needed to let you go. 

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

I will not let jealousy destroy the good connection we have

It might not even be jealous that ruptures it. That good connection is gradually going to fade with time as you two are not a couple anymore. More often than not, exes drift apart and become fond memories for each other rather than people that remain connected.