Ex (24M) wants me (26F) back and I don’t know what to do.

[LostPuppy123]

Ex and I knew each other for a year now, dated officially since February. He broke up with me for numerous reasons that I agree with, and a lot I also take fault in. No one cheated, but one of the reasons he broke up with me was because he felt he needed to be sure in order to commit to me. We also moved in too fast together in a new city and started fighting a lot. We’re both the type to take relationships very seriously.

 

Now we’ve been broken up for about a month or so. And he called me last week, told me he met a girl, had sex with her, was about to bring her with him to Hawaii, then realized he still wasn’t over me and I was the one he wanted to go to Hawaii with instead. He told the girl, and they ended things (only saw each other for a few days) and then called me. Proceeded to ask if I’d like to go to Hawaii with him, which I declined, and also said he wanted to get back together with me. 

 

My dilemma is I don’t know how I feel about everything. This is the first relationship where I fully regret a lot of things (I wasn’t in the right mental state to treat him as well as I treated previous boyfriends) and I’ve also grown a lot. He makes me want to be a better me and has never judged my crazy family at all. He always believed the best in me, and during the toughest times, he believed in me when I stopped believing in myself. He sacrificed a lot for me (a little too much I’d argue) and I truly believe he genuinely loved me. I also believe we could truly work things out and lead to marriage one day. I believe his intentions with me are pure but for some reason I can’t help but feel he hasn’t had enough time to explore. Can someone truly date one person for a few days, have sex with said person, then realize the ex is what they’re looking for? Also, this was a short fling where he met the person after we broke up. I’ve never been so stuck on making a decision, and I can’t figure out why I feel this way. I truly wanted him back, but now that I have the option, it feels like something’s missing. For now, I told him we’d take things slow, real slow. But I’m not sure if I’m just wasting both of our time. Am I just really hurt by the break up? And that he had sex with someone else despite us being broken up? Or that I feel one month isn’t enough time for someone to know? But at the same time everyone is different, I can’t just assume he’s not being genuine?

[Jaunty]

Whatever your problems in the relationship were, they certainly have not been resolved.  Your "mental state" that caused you to treat him however you did - something there clearly needs some attention.  You only knew him for a year and dated for a good part of that year. When did you "grow a lot"?  

For his part, you're right.  The whole thing about the girl & Hawaii is completely out there.  Frankly it makes him sound unstable and frivolous.  That is the kind of experienced that would need to be internalized by the person having it.  It's not like you really have sex, plan a vacation, cancel the vacation and get back with your ex (who evidently has a plethora of problems that prevented them from being a good partner) within a day or two in the real world of adult relationships.  

Both of you need to stay on your own and ACTUALLY "grow a lot."  If you both want to date each other, fine, but fully getting back together will just be jumping right back where you left off when you broke up.  

[Kwothe28]

42 minutes ago, LostPuppy123 said:

Now we’ve been broken up for about a month or so. And he called me last week, told me he met a girl, had sex with her, was about to bring her with him to Hawaii, then realized he still wasn’t over me and I was the one he wanted to go to Hawaii with instead. He told the girl, and they ended things (only saw each other for a few days) and then called me.

And you believed that? Chances are that the woman turned him down for relationship and Hawaii and he wants to get you back.

In fact, any time he "wasnt sure he wanted to commit" you can be sure there was some other woman involved. And that he got back to you after it failed. Its a pattern that repeats itself and that it would repeat to oblivion if you take him back.

Go no contact. It was his choice to leave and he should live with that choice. You should look into future and try to find somebody who wont dump you every time he see a new skirt.

[kctiger]

3 hours ago, LostPuppy123 said:

Ex and I knew each other for a year now, dated officially since February. He broke up with me for numerous reasons that I agree with, and a lot I also take fault in. No one cheated, but one of the reasons he broke up with me was because he felt he needed to be sure in order to commit

I hate to break it to you, but that is an absolute BS excuse to break up with someone. You want to lose me to make sure you really want to commit to me? Give me a break. That is directly out of the breakup handbook of things people come up with, right below “It’s not you, it’s me.” 

Don’t ever accept someone telling you that. Don’t be a backup plan or wait in the wings while some guy tries to figure out if your’e the one for him. I’m a guy and I’ve never needed to breakup with a woman to figure out if I want to commit to her. 

Leave this dude in the past and move forward. I agree with the others, nothing’s changed to make this a functional relationship. I don’t understand why he felt the need to graciously tell you he had a fling with another woman that caused him come to the realization you’re the one he wanted all along. Like he had some grand epiphany. The guy is playing the field and will take whatever action he can get. You’re better than that. 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, kctiger said:

I hate to break it to you, but that is an absolute BS excuse to break up with someone. You want to lose me to make sure you really love me?

 

They  need to date other people to make sure they love me.   

Nope. 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, kctiger said:

I hate to break it to you, but that is an absolute BS excuse to break up with someone. You want to lose me to make sure you really want to commit to me? Give me a break. That is directly out of the breakup handbook of things people come up with, right below “It’s not you, it’s me.” 

I agree.  I do think what can work is a break where the couple do not date others and take some space and time apart to see how much they miss each other and what might be missing in the relationship.  Comparison shopping is never part of it.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, kctiger said:

... nothing’s changed to make this a functional relationship.

Yes, consider this ^^^.

If you had said that you'd been together for a couple years and then broke up this February, rather than all of this taking place since this February, you might have some actual context to consider.

But instead, you both love-bombed, moved together prematurely, then flamed out in less than a year.

So when did this breakup take place, and how much time have you since spent grieving, healing and growing separately as individuals where you can have stabilized enough to look back on this relationship to reflect?

How would you come back together, each with some significant changes, to address whatever broke you up?

None of what I've said dismisses your pain, that's real. But quick-bouncing from brand new chemistry into a breakup and then shooting back again doesn't speak to any time for processing anything, much less growth.

I'm sorry you're hurting, and maybe you'll want to give more detail about what broke you up?

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't entertain the notion of reconciliation with him. 

When someone breaks up with you because they aren't sure they can commit to you, it's done. I would not let someone treat me as the back-up when they realize the single life isn't as fruitful for them as they thought it would be. I don't buy that having sex with someone else and then inviting her on holiday made him realize he wanted you - I don't think for a moment you're getting the whole story there. My strong assumption is that she said no to all of this, rather than the story he's trying to sell you. 

I personally would tell him that the door is closed and not to come knocking anymore. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Don't be his back up plan. He found someone he liked more than you, she turned him down and then he came crawling back to you for gf benefits (sex, intimacy, ect.) Don't let him take you for a fool. You'd be wasting your time on a guy who isn't that into you and who's treating you like some option to fall back on.

Tell him to take his sorry a$$ elsewhere.

Pick up your self worth and self respect. You're worthy of someone who commits to you from day 1. No toxic push and pull. Just someone committed and loyal to start with 💚

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, LostPuppy123 said:

. We also moved in too fast together in a new city and started fighting a lot. . Proceeded to ask if I’d like to go to Hawaii with him, which I declined, and also said he wanted to get back together with me. 

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup really about?

When you broke up who moved out? Do you feel an on/off relationship with someone who needs breaks in order to cheat is someone who will make you happy or just generate more heartaches and chaos? 

Unfortunately he seems incredibly impulsive and seems to flit around in a manic wild fashion from moving in and out to taking someone to Hawaii but then asks you too, etc.

You're dealing with someone who seems to have such poor judgement that he leaves a wake of damage wherever he goes. Don't get caught up in this tornado.

 

 

[smackie9]

 

Who in their right mind would think it would be OK to tell the one they love they were "sleeping with someone else"? It's just so wrong.

If my ex called me up a month after we split and told me he had sex with another girl, was going to take her to our planned trip, then said he couldn't do it....I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole, nor would I believe him. Guess what...things probably didn't pan out with this girl so he's trying to hoover you back. He is incredibly insensitive. That's why none of this feels right. IMO he's a lying fool.

[SooSad33]

On 12/1/2022 at 2:34 PM, LostPuppy123 said:

Ex and I knew each other for a year now, dated officially since February. He broke up with me for numerous reasons that I agree with, and a lot I also take fault in. No one cheated, but one of the reasons he broke up with me was because he felt he needed to be sure in order to commit to me. We also moved in too fast together in a new city and started fighting a lot

- He broke up with you for numerous reasons- then this is where it should remain.

 

On 12/1/2022 at 2:34 PM, LostPuppy123 said:

Now we’ve been broken up for about a month or so. And he called me last week, told me he met a girl, had sex with her, was about to bring her with him to Hawaii, then realized he still wasn’t over me and I was the one he wanted to go to Hawaii with instead. He told the girl, and they ended things (only saw each other for a few days) and then called me. Proceeded to ask if I’d like to go to Hawaii with him, which I declined, and also said he wanted to get back together with me. 

- HE broke up with you & messed around with someone else... then turns & says he wants you back... No.  Nothing has been fixed at all in this time between you two.  It's actually more messed up 😕 .  I am sure your trust in him is gone.

 

On 12/1/2022 at 2:34 PM, LostPuppy123 said:

My dilemma is I don’t know how I feel about everything. This is the first relationship where I fully regret a lot of things (I wasn’t in the right mental state to treat him as well as I treated previous boyfriends) and I’ve also grown a lot. He makes me want to be a better me and has never judged my crazy family at all. He always believed the best in me, and during the toughest times, he believed in me when I stopped believing in myself. He sacrificed a lot for me (a little too much I’d argue) and I truly believe he genuinely loved me. I also believe we could truly work things out and lead to marriage one day. I believe his intentions with me are pure but for some reason I can’t help but feel he hasn’t had enough time to explore

Yeah, it sounds like you are BOTH not ready for a true, decent relationship.  Like you were maybe a little 'too needy' etc, which got to him?  So, at this time YOU need to work on this, that has affected your relationship. And NO, I would not reconsider getting back with an ex, who messed around and actually considered taking his 'new girl' on his vacay.. Nope!

 

You two were only involved about a year and way too much too fast, right?  As you're still learning about each other.