Guy I've been seeing for five months is pulling away but I'm already too attached.

[wheredowegonow]

I'm 35 and wondering why did I even sign up for online dating.. I'm miserable. I met this guy on Hinge and we instantly hit it off. A dinner date turned into an arcade game scene and turned to us having a ball and really connecting.  He had just moved to my city and was planning on moving to Europe by the end of this year. So I told him from the get-go that I'm not looking for something casual. Right from the first date, things had been awesome and he even wanted to kiss me on the first date itself and from the second date onwards, we've been holding hands and being romantic - we cooked together several times, went for a movie together, went bowling, hiking and I even jammed to music with his close friends. Throughout, he's been super attentive and caring and has remembered tiny details of our conversations. He used to make plans with me very often. Sometimes even right after the day we met.  After a month in, our hangouts usually consisted of  hanging out at his place with his dog, taking his dog for a walk, cycling around  and cooking and making music. We hardly went to any restaurants or any place outside of his home, but the time spent with him has always been wholesome. I've been seeing him regularly since June. In August, he began preparing to leave for Europe and we got emotional and hung out at a restaurant and later went to his place and got frisky. We both thought it'd be the last time we'd see each other. I asked him then that do I have to start seeing other people and he said I guess so.

But he didn't turn up for his Visa appointment and turns out he's here for several months more. Which means we probably have even more time together now! We had a beautiful cuddling session last month and he even said he wants to sleep with me, but I denied because if he has to leave, things will get complicated. Also, we haven't labelled this relationship...I've been too afraid to have the talk and ruin things and even he has just gone with the flow, but he always behaves like we are in a relationship. We've met a few times after this but I feel like he's losing interest now. He's not actively making any plans and just like that, 5 months have passed with this guy, without knowing where this is headed. I feel I'm too attached to him now and not hearing from him for days at length is driving me crazy. I know to the reader this may sound petty and I may b sounding like a fool, but I don't now what to do. last week he couldn't meet because he had to go for dinner with someone and I'm feeling so insecure.

Also, right from the beginning, he's been chatting from his Whatsapp business account. I'm wondering if it was red flag I just accepted? Surely I should have insisted for his personal number? This has fizzled out. Should I try harder, or just accept and move on?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, wheredowegonow said:

In August, he began preparing to leave for Europe. But he didn't turn up for his Visa appointment and turns out he's here for several months more. 

Sorry this is happening. It's great you found a nice connection. Unfortunately he has one foot out the door if he's planning to move. This is an ephemeral situation you can only enjoy in the moment.  It's time to detach and start setting your sights on others. 

[Kwothe28]

You got a nice connection out of it. That is better that most people got from online dating lol

Anyway, yes, he planned to leave and is fizzling out. That should be your que to detach and find something new too. And not to attach even more for somebody that will surely leave you.

[wheredowegonow]

Thank you for your reply. It breaks my heart. I think what hurts the most is, if we did indeed have a genuine and beautiful connection, shouldn't he be feeling bad about this connection ending? Instead of pulling away, maybe be a little gentler with this?

What I'm conflicted about is, since he's leaving I wanted to make the best of whatever time we have now. Instead, I'm sitting here wondering whether I should text him again and that maybe not because he isn't putting in effort etc. I might regret not making the best of the little time that we still have...But then again, shouldn't he feel the same way? 

 

[wheredowegonow]

Any tips on how to start detaching without being butthurt, panicky and emotional. It's strange, but even seeing other people doesn't feel like a good option right now. I never want to get this involved with anyone again without knowing where it's going 😞

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, wheredowegonow said:

since he's leaving I wanted to make the best of whatever time we have now. Instead, I'm sitting here wondering whether I should text him again

No, don't contact him. It will simply hurt more. Reset yourself to before you met him. 

[DarkCh0c0]

19 minutes ago, wheredowegonow said:

I never want to get this involved with anyone again without knowing where it's going

But, you knew it was going nowhere. You knew he was leaving.

I suggest you cut contact with him and give yourself some space to heal. Block him if needed and unfollow him on social media. Hang out with your friends, have fun, watch sad romantic movies, have some ice cream,... Whatever you need to slowly come out of it. It sucks, but you're going to be okay.

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, wheredowegonow said:

But then again, shouldn't he feel the same way? 

Well, not if he wants to leave and is detaching. People get blinded by emotions. And sure, its not always black and white. But the signs are clear that he doesnt want to stay.

In a situation like that, your reaction should be to move on from that. Not to be clingy and ask for more connection from somebody that is almost gone. So yes, blocking him and having no contact there should be an option to do it.

[wheredowegonow]

Thank you everyone for the helpful advice. He had mentioned long ago that there's a music festival he'll be organizing this Jan before he leaves for good and wants us to open for it and that'll be awesome.  The reason I'm conflicted about detaching is, reconnections can happen in life because we do have a connection, that's a given. Maybe the timing isn't right right now. That does happen in life right? Reconciliations? But I do realize that by hanging on to hope, I'm putting my life on hold. Maybe as all of you rightly said, I'm attaching myself to someone I know is eventually leaving. Maybe this is a good pre-cursor to start preparing for that eventuality and accept it...Back off and start detaching myself 😞

I'm just not in a good place in life right now and he came in and really brightened up my life. Maybe I should keep things cordial and move on?

Thank you for making me see that the faster I accept the eventuality, the better.

[moodindigo91]

2 hours ago, wheredowegonow said:

do I have to start seeing other people and he said I guess so.

2 hours ago, wheredowegonow said:

I feel like he's losing interest now.

2 hours ago, wheredowegonow said:

he had to go for dinner with someone

All of this should tell you everything you need to know to answer your question. He has begun the process of pulling away. You enjoyed a wonderful time together, and now he's getting on with his life as planned. You should do the same! He told you it was time to start seeing other people. He's going to dinner with "someone"? It's definitely time to bow out and let the connection be what it was, a great way to spend 5 months. 

1 hour ago, wheredowegonow said:

Any tips on how to start detaching without being butthurt, panicky and emotional.

Google the Chinese concept of "wu wei" - it's all about going with the flow, effortless inaction, doing nothing. This is all you need to do. Take what comes to you, be grateful for it, and let it go when it is no longer serving you. I think you could benefit from this philosophy, especially as you continue dating, since this type of thing may happen quite often. 

[boltnrun]

54 minutes ago, wheredowegonow said:

I'm just not in a good place in life right now and he came in and really brightened up my life.

This is why the situation is more difficult for you. You expect him to be a distraction from whatever isn't good in your life. 

But you can't assign that role to anyone. That has to come from within you.

Fix whatever it is that was making you unhappy before he came along. If you resolve those issues, you'll be able to see more clearly. This is just a man, not a savior.

[jul-els]

You’re dating. This is the dating world. It sounds like you’re both on the same page about sex being the next level of commitment and you don’t want to take that step. So, you can be happy with things as they are with him or not. You are putting all of your eggs in one basket as far as your emotions are concerned and allowing yourself to get overly attached. Don’t get overly invested. Keep your options open for seeing other people who might be a more suitable match. 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I think you knew all along because you chose not to ask him what his intentions were towards you -and because he didn't try to make sure you two were on the same page -committed, exclusive -he was willing to risk losing you this whole time and you settled and lied to yourself and made excuses for not having the "talk" (no obviously it's not just a label).

So in a way you did detach the whole time -you never committed to him or he to you so you never actually closed off any dating options and neither did he.  I think you have to fake it till you make it -act like a person who is not attached to him and so you don't contact him anymore, you do activities that don't involve him, you speak to your friends about anything except him.  

Again I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[wheredowegonow]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is an ephemeral situation you can only enjoy in the moment.

I think accepting this and making peace with this will definitely do me good. Thank you for this thought!

[wheredowegonow]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

Google the Chinese concept of "wu wei" - it's all about going with the flow, effortless inaction, doing nothing.

That really does sound like something that will help me tremendously now.

[wheredowegonow]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Fix whatever it is that was making you unhappy before he came along. If you resolve those issues, you'll be able to see more clearly. This is just a man, not a savior.

Yes, I definitely need to for my own growth. I did not rely on him for my dose of happiness or to be saved in any way. It was a mutual connection and we both felt deeply for each other at some point. It's one of those I-didn't-expect-this-to-turn-into-something-so-lovely kind of situation. I'll definitely learn from this!

[wheredowegonow]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Again I'm sorry you're disappointed!

The last couple of times we met, he's still been confused and has shown so much affection and held my hand. I think that's what has led me on too.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, wheredowegonow said:

Yes, I definitely need to for my own growth. I did not rely on him for my dose of happiness or to be saved in any way. It was a mutual connection and we both felt deeply for each other at some point. It's one of those I-didn't-expect-this-to-turn-into-something-so-lovely kind of situation. I'll definitely learn from this!

What's interesting is yes there was this connection -but not strong enough for you to feel comfortable enough asking what his intentions were and not strong enough on his part to make sure his special someone wouldn't be snapped up by someone else (typically the man is the one to be direct about wanting a commitment -in all my serious relationships the man initiated the conversation within the first 6 weeks - the two who did not - one was not that into me, and the other "agreed" to be exclusive but never really had loving feelings for me and ended it after 5 months).  

[wheredowegonow]

26 minutes ago, jul-els said:

It sounds like you’re both on the same page about sex being the next level of commitment and you don’t want to take that step

You're definitely right about that. But I know it'll wreck me later if I go ahead with it. I'll feel even more connected and will be even more difficult to move on.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, wheredowegonow said:

The last couple of times we met, he's still been confused and has shown so much affection and held my hand. I think that's what has led me on too.

That's not confusing - his silence on what his intentions were as far as commitment and his sharing with you that you should see other people/he was leaving is what matters.  Usually I say watch the feet -the actions -not the lips except when it comes to a man closing the deal -making sure he knows you know that he really wants the two of you not to keep options open - he was silent on this and also told you to see other people.  He's not confused about being attracted to you -he is - and he is not confused about seeing serious potential with you -he doesn't and I'm sorry.

[wheredowegonow]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

and not strong enough on his part to make sure his special someone wouldn't be snapped up by someone else

Yes, that sounds so right. Hate to admit it, but maybe my availability leaves him with nothing to worry about. 

[jul-els]

Just now, wheredowegonow said:

You're definitely right about that. But I know it'll wreck me later if I go ahead with it. I'll feel even more connected and will be even more difficult to move on.

Exactly. So you can be happy with things as they are with him or you can choose to move on. It’s completely up to you. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, wheredowegonow said:

You're definitely right about that. But I know it'll wreck me later if I go ahead with it. I'll feel even more connected and will be even more difficult to move on.

I don't think intercourse is related to emotional commitment at all - my serious relationships were serious before we had intercourse and weren't connected to how committed we were.  Also if you have sex with him what happens if you get pregnant? He's leaving, right?

[wheredowegonow]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think intercourse is related to emotional commitment at all

I'm afraid for me it is. Sure, might not be the norm for others. 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, wheredowegonow said:

I'm afraid for me it is. Sure, might not be the norm for others. 

I did not mean that at all. I meant it is not a next step in solidifying commitment between two people.  Of course for many it's an emotional experience -certainly was for me and why I never had casual sex - but when I had sex -we already were -with very rare exception!! - in love, committed, with strong potential for marriage. (One exception -I mentioned it above -we were exclusive but he wasn't in love with me). We didn't have sex to increase our commitment.  It was enhancing, it added a way of expressing our commitment.  It wasn't a next step to increase the level of commitment.  

Someone said you weren't willing to take the "next step" as far as commitment.  To me sex is not a next step.