Guy I've been seeing for five months is pulling away but I'm already too attached.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, wheredowegonow said:

Aah, I understand now. I related to the next step comment - why it resonates is because both of us very much want it at the moment. But I think I'm cautious and aware enough that it'll make things even more complicated.

Totally understand- wanting it and choosing not to. I don’t think it will make things more complicated if you decide the pleasure of it outweighs the downside and you accept it won’t make a bit of difference as far as he acting on wanting a commitment.  Meaning he may want it but not badly enough to ask for one. It’s not a next step. It’s a sexual act that you and he would choose to do. 

[Andrina]

5 hours ago, wheredowegonow said:

Throughout, he's been super attentive and caring and has remembered tiny details of our conversations.

Some women, who are wishful and really into a guy, look for signs he's feeling the same as her. I've learned that things like the above quote are meaningless without the all-important suggestion of being monogamous, and then following through with being faithful.

5 hours ago, wheredowegonow said:

but he always behaves like we are in a relationship. We've met a few times after this but I feel like he's losing interest now. He's not actively making any plans and just like that, 5 months have passed with this gu

From the beginning, your brain was not in sync with your heart. You let your chemistry override good reasoning. In the future, relationship success won't happen until you're wise about your standards and must-haves, and avoid dealbreakers.

Don't you think his goal was always short-term since he knew he was leaving in half a year? Why would he seek long term, knowing that would turn into a LDR?

He never veered from his initial intentions. And you saw something you wished to see but was not reality--that he's been into you as much as you have been into him. He's never done anything to show he's falling in love with you. He has, no surprise, tried to be intimate with you, knowing very well, unless he's the dumbest man on the planet, that that act would be hurtful to you in the end.

I wouldn't even take it as fact that he's actually moving to another country. That might be his modus operandi to pretend there is a reason, other than that he's a player, that he won't be progressing to the expected stages of a relationship many women expect. He can, in his mind, make a clean exit, and a woman will think he's moved and he can move on to the next target.

He's probably losing interest now since 5 months of hotness on the proverbial ice cube hasn't resulted in wearing you down.

Just something to consider, since you think you know him well, but you really don't, and unfortunately there are many scammers in this world.

He doesn't even deserve a goodbye. Just block and delete. Learn from this experience and hopefully you'll have more optimum results in the future. Take care.

[spinstermanquee]

28 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I wouldn't even take it as fact that he's actually moving to another country. That might be his modus operandi to pretend there is a reason, other than that he's a player, that he won't be progressing to the expected stages of a relationship many women expect. He can, in his mind, make a clean exit, and a woman will think he's moved and he can move on to the next target.

OMG Andrina... this never even occurred to me but once I read what you wrote, it makes sense as a possibility.  Considering he was "going to move" and then "postponed," it *is* possible this isn't his first rodeo.  It might have been an escalation of his "panty drop protocol!"

Wheredowegonow, regardless of what he is up to or not, the important thing is what do you want and need from a relationship, and what is the most expeditious route to having a quality local partner that is really into you 🙂  Kudos to you for taking your time and not falling for crumbs.

[MissCanuck]

I was in his position, about 10 years ago, right before my own move to Europe. 

I dated a local guy (from my hometown area) for a few months before I left. He also knew I would be leaving (and when). We had fun together, and shared some beautiful moments, but I wasn't emotionally attached. I had bigger life changes ahead of me and knew we wouldn't last after my departure. 

He, as it turned out, developed feelings and took it rather hard when I finally left. I didn't fade away - there was a more formal goodbye between us. But I later learned from a mutual friend that he'd hoped we could make it last long-distance. I had no such intentions, even if he was a good guy. I also never led him to believe we'd continue after I left. But, I understand there are often unspoken hopes and wires get easily crossed. My guess is that your guy is going through the same thing, OP - his attention is towards his big life change and he's now letting unsustainable connections fade. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It's just that this always had an expiration date. It's just arrived a bit sooner than you expected. I would bow out gracefully and work on letting go. 

[Batya33]

When I was 16 I had a fun and exciting summer romance with the handyman for the home I was living in at a wealthy beach town where I was a mothers helper.  He was 18. For a number of reasons I knew we’d never be suitable for long distance- 2.5 hour car ride - for a teenager way too far - and I knew my parents would never let me date him.

I told him as much and he listened partly and fell for me. I was into him too - but not for the long term.

 We did see each other once after I left and it was awkward and uncomfortable because my parents were cordial as long as it was a one and done thing. His mother called me and screamed at me for hurting her son. She was unstable and I knew this from meeting her previously and hearing about her  

Anyway yes - if there’s a disconnect in what one person decides to “hear “ and then has these feelings it can become “complicated.”   

[wheredowegonow]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Some women, who are wishful and really into a guy, look for signs he's feeling the same as her. I've learned that things like the above quote are meaningless without the all-important suggestion of being monogamous, and then following through with being faithful.

This is so true... Lesson learnt. 

 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

He has, no surprise, tried to be intimate with you, knowing very well, unless he's the dumbest man on the planet, that that act would be hurtful to you in the end.

Yes, that definitely was a ***ty move. 

 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

I wouldn't even take it as fact that he's actually moving to another country

He's definitely leaving. I know this for sure for reasons I cannot elaborate here. 

I think I'm definitely realising some of his careless and inconsiderate moves from these comments. I also realise that some of it was my doing too. Shouldn't have gotten lost and blinded by emotions and taken a logical approach. 

[wheredowegonow]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

My guess is that your guy is going through the same thing, OP - his attention is towards his big life change and he's now letting unsustainable connections fade. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It's just that this always had an expiration date. It's just arrived a bit sooner than you expected. I would bow out gracefully and work on lettin

That's good perspective. You've nailed it! This indeed did have an expiration date and I'm overwhelmed because it arrived sooner than expected. I'm pushing it to be something more than it can be and there in lies the conundrum! Thank you for helping me navigate my thoughts s little bit! 

[Cherylyn]

I don't know about him.  He may be one of those "a girl at every port" type of guys.   I'm sorry for your pain.  Learn to detach yourself from him emotionally because he already has.  He's currently in the drifting apart and fading away phase and you need to catch up and do likewise.  As hard as this is for you to do, develop the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality which will take time and a lot of space apart before he becomes a distant blur in your memory. 

Don't try harder.  There is nothing to try for and it would be an effort in futility.  The temporary relationship has since run its course.  It's over.  Remain realistic.  LDRs (long distance relationships) have a tendency to fail for obvious reasons and his heart's not into you anyway.  Again,  I'm sorry.  You were his temporary fling. 

In the future, move slower.  Don't plunge into the attachment stage so soon otherwise you'll get hurt again.  Avoid getting hurt by remaining more cautious and if you know a man won't remain within your geographical locale,  be alerted that he's not meant for you long term nor permanently.  Don't get hurt again.  Become shrewd instead.  Protect your feelings and heart from now on.  Grow smarter. 

[wheredowegonow]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Avoid getting hurt by remaining more cautious and if you know a man won't remain within your geographical locale,  be alerted that he's not meant for you long term nor permanently.  Don't get hurt again.  Become shrewd instead.  Protect your feelin

Everything you've said, you've said in such a gentle way. This is all good solid advice. Thank you for this. In retrospect I'm wondering, what was I even thinking then! 

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, wheredowegonow said:

 The reason I'm conflicted about detaching is, reconnections can happen in life because we do have a connection, that's a given. Maybe the timing isn't right right now. That does happen in life right? Reconciliations? But I do realize that by hanging on to hope, I'm putting my life on hold. Maybe as all of you rightly said, I'm attaching myself to someone I know is eventually leaving. Maybe this is a good pre-cursor to start preparing for that eventuality and accept it...Back off and start detaching myself 😞

I'm just not in a good place in life right now and he came in and really brightened up my life. Maybe I should keep things cordial and move on?

 

If possible, it would be good if you could detach without being  romantic about it.  I know, easier said than done.  It might not be possible for you, but in the general sense it IS possible for people to have a very enjoyable interlude together and part ways without any emotional drama (within yourself - I'm not suggesting that you are creating drama with the guy).   What that would look like:  You could still enjoy times together if opportunities came up in the future, like opening at the event he's going to organize.  

The emotional drama to avoid would be "putting (your) life on hold" and attaching yourself to the idea of a future.

I'm sure you're aware that there are lots people who part and come back together during their lives.  Not necessarily to ultimately "BE TOGETHER," but they can enjoy shared times if the chances come around.  

There are also people who, for their own emotional well being, need to "block and delete" and completely move on.