Setbacks in Dating

[Dean Gladwyn]

For those who are currently actively dating what would you say are the main setbacks that you have encountered when it comes to casually dating and getting dates?

[Batya33]

I'm not but dated on and off for 24 years until 2005.

I rarely dated with a casual goal but I dated many men more than once and we never ended up being exclusive.  

Main setbacks were:  people who were unreliable about making plans/keeping plans; the stress of waiting for a man to call and ask me out; strings of first meets/ first dates where I just wasn't feeling it or there were dealbreakers I discovered once we met; the setbacks in my head -feeling nervous about being in my 30s with a ticking clock and would I ever meet the right person -that mindset can trigger bad choices or at least make you tempted to settle.  Men who promised to call and did not.  The exhaustion from constantly running around to singles events, singles activities, looking online, contacting people on line.  That felt like a setback.

I rarely felt setback in those few times I was just looking to date casually.  Because I didn't invest much or get attached to any real outcome. 

Hope people who are currently dating respond!

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Dean Gladwyn said:

 the main setbacks that you have encountered when it comes to casually dating and getting dates?

What setbacks are you currently experiencing? Do you mean dating app burnout? Ghosting after a few messages or dates?

You mentioned "casual dating". What is your definition of that? No strings hookups? FWB? Playing the field? Playing things by ear?

The first step is to reflect on what you're looking for and how to best go about that.

[Tinydance]

For me mainly it was just the usual thing of where either you like the person, but they're not into you, and vice versa. Or just mutual disinterest lol

[jul-els]

Not sure what you mean by setbacks, but the incompatibilities are numerous and frequent. But that’s just life. Finding a special someone is like finding a needle in a haystack. It happens if and when it does and you can either be patient with it or get frustrated. It’s a lengthy process and it depends on the perception that you choose to have as to whether you feel ‘setback’. 

[smackie9]

Dating is not easy for men or women, whether it's to day or 40 years ago...dating can suck real bad. Have to grow a thick skin and plough through it. I truly believe you don't find love but love finds you when you least expect it. 

[moodindigo91]

Honestly, and this probably goes without saying, but just finding people who are compatible is the hardest part. You have to go through a lot of people and rejection to find one compatible person and even then, that relationship, if there is one, may not work out in the long run. It can be pretty soul crushing at times. You just gotta stay motivated. I've been adopting a more "go with the flow" attitude toward dating lately. Opens me up to a lot of experiences I might have missed out on and is nice in that I'm not over thinking connections. I'm just allowing them to come and go, and if one sticks, then that's great lol. 

[waffle]

49 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

 

Sorry, not replying to anything but the only "setback" I've ever noticed is the lack of appealing men in my age bracket.

Plus I don't find dating fun so why do it if it's a chore?

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for anyone else except me.  The # 1 criteria for me prior to marriage was CHARACTER above all else.  He had to be a very decent human being,  humble,  very moral,  intelligent,  emotionally intelligent,  empathetic,  kind,  considerate,  selfless, extremely respectful,  truthful,  reliable, healthy and a very uncomplicated man.  I wanted someone compatible and easy to get along with.  I don't like difficult,  dramatic, highly charged personalities.  I know it's a very stringent laundry list of requirements but haste makes waste.  I was very picky and choosy which paid off.  I wasn't about to repeat my mother's mistake by choosing the wrong man in the first place.  To me,  there's nothing more important than character because it's the most enduring.  Everything else is just fluff. 

I agree with @moodindigo91There were automatic rejections along the way during my journey to find "thee one."  I've observed all sorts of disdainful men ever since my childhood,  teen years,  young adulthood,  with colleagues,  society,  etc.  I wasn't about to settle for just any man.  No way.  

The biggest setback was remaining patient and forcing myself to strive for only the best in a man.  This was absolute.  Anything less than what I wanted was unacceptable.  I'm extremely steadfast and unwavering.  There are no ands,  ifs or buts as far as I'm concerned.  Then again,  this is just me and I can't speak for anyone else.   

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, jul-els said:

Not sure what you mean by setbacks, but the incompatibilities are numerous and frequent. But that’s just life. Finding a special someone is like finding a needle in a haystack. It happens if and when it does and you can either be patient with it or get frustrated. It’s a lengthy process and it depends on the perception that you choose to have as to whether you feel ‘setback’. 

I think all of this is so well put. Thank you!

[Carnatic]

As someone who is about to enter his 40's, and lives in a small(ish) city, but also not near any of the big cities then just finding the right sort of person, so compatability.

I probably live a fairly 'bohemian' lifestyle... well I am a professional artist and I earn enough to support myself but not to get on the property ladder or start a family or any of that stuff, most of my friends are similar to me, I work random hours so socialise mid-week and go to less mainstream bars but I socialise a lot, I'm not a homebody and I don't really stick to routines well.

Sometimes it just seems like the pool of available women aged 35-45 (if we call that a realistic age range for me) who have a compatable lifestyle is far too small. For the majority I meet (usually through work) life is now about looking after children, home improvements, eyeing up the value of your pension and enjoying nights in front of your 42 inch TV.

 

[Mamarika]

There have been many times. I am a lesbian. I think you understand that it's a lot harder to find a partner. Most of the time I meet girls on dating sites, because I don't like to disclose that I am a lesbian. Many people laugh, and guys immediately start thinking that if I am a lesbian, I will agree to have intimacy with him and another girl... But there are girls on websites who lie about being lesbian and just play with girls' feelings. It's so horrible and painful. I was in love with a girl. We corresponded for a long time. I sent her expensive gifts and stuff. As it turned out, she had a boyfriend the whole time, and she was just using me...

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, jul-els said:

Not sure what you mean by setbacks, but the incompatibilities are numerous and frequent. But that’s just life. Finding a special someone is like finding a needle in a haystack. It happens if and when it does and you can either be patient with it or get frustrated. It’s a lengthy process and it depends on the perception that you choose to have as to whether you feel ‘setback’. 

I agree wholeheartedly with @jul-elsFinding the jewel or real gem is like finding a needle in a haystack indeed.  This is why I say to remain patient and afford to become very picky and choosy because it will pay off long term.  Haste makes waste.  I know because I married him.  ❤️

[Wiseman2]

On 11/3/2022 at 2:10 PM, Dean Gladwyn said:

 what would you say are the main setbacks

Misrepresentation with regard to age, profession, marital/relationship status, pics and of course, any type of deceit. These are more red flags than 'pitfalls' but nonetheless add to the stress of online dating.