Let it go or encourage teenage son to try acting/theater?

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may be destined to be a great tennis player or mathematician or politician or chess player or 1000 other things, so while you've introduced him to your interests there's a million other things he may want or may be naturally inclined to.

Not quite - I didn't suggest acting because of my interest in acting. I am interested in theater.  My purpose in introducing him to the possibility of acting is because I see he is a natural at acting/performing and he has a good singing voice (which I did not have and which limits involvement in theater as far as musical theater). 

I think my parents and grandparents noticed and observed my natural skills/talents too and were encouraging in that sense (but we had limited financial resources so it depended on the interest). 

I loved writing and my grandmother read my stories and gave me input, they paid for acting lessons as mentioned, and they guided me away actually from pursuing veterinarian school because back then they saw how intensely expensive and competitive the schools were and saw my strengths were not in science (despite my then love of animals).  I don't remember them being overbearing about that and they were correct, ultimately.

  I think it depends though because honestly I think my academic and professional interests aligned closely with what they wished for me and I arrived on those mostly on my own with guidance from them.  So who knows if they hadn't aligned what the reaction would have been (particularly from my father).  

I did introduce my son by age 4 or so to my interest in live theater just like I introduced him to my strong interest in books and reading (the latter I started when he was 5 days old -when I started reading aloud to him).  I do believe exposing young children to live theater if at all possible is a great thing to do for so many reasons. Especially since at one of the theaters he was able to meet the actors after (and for some reason he won the raffle there twice in a row and got his favorite stuffed animals back then).

In our case he enjoys most live theater (except he wasn't as much a fan at age 7 of the puppet show in Paris as it was all in French but he enjoyed the intermission because of the vending machines with european candy) - I haven't taken him to a play since 2020 from all I can recall because of covid but I plan to resume when we can. 

 

[MissCanuck]

I would lean towards letting it go. 

He might be talented but it doesn't appear he's that interested. He's also already declined. I would leave it for now. You could keep taking him to theatre productions as it may stimulate his interest (if he enjoys going), but if he's not actively asking to explore the area again, I would leave it be. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would lean towards letting it go. 

He might be talented but it doesn't appear he's that interested. He's also already declined. I would leave it for now. You could keep taking him to theatre productions as it may stimulate his interest (if he enjoys going), but if he's not actively asking to explore the area again, I would leave it be. 

Thanks!  I hope to take him to live theater again -that he likes and I take him not to stimulate interest in acting but for all the other reasons.  When I went to live theater regularly as a child it didn't do that for me -my interest in getting involved in a camp production was because of my independent interest in acting not really connected to the famous actors I saw on stage.  I have taken him also to lower key productions- more amateur -but again that's just happenstance not to incentivize him. 

Unfortunately my dear friend who started her own theater company passed away last year from cancer - we used to go to her productions when we visited our home town and then not only did he get to hang with her after (she also acted in most productions) but she was a personal close friend of mine.  He really enjoyed those and it had nothing to do with him having an interest in being on stage.  I can see the connection for others but it's not the motivating factor.

[boltnrun]

Also, being "good" at something doesn't necessarily mean it's something you want to do.

As I mentioned, I attempted to "throw" my cheerleading tryout but I (unfortunately) was quite good. I had years of training and had also taken 4 years of ballet. But I didn't want to do it. I despised the cattiness and the jealousy (I received hate letters in my locker when I made varsity cheer) and the time commitment and the pressure to conform. I liked the kids in drama club because they were so much more accepting of all types of people. But my mom insisted, resulting in two years of absolute misery. I hated high school mainly because of it and do NOT look fondly back on my school days.

What bothered me the most is my mom didn't HEAR me. She didn't listen. And I interpreted that as her not caring about my feelings. I talked to her about it years later and she said something along the lines of wanting me to have that on my transcript for future college applications. I am fairly certain the colleges wouldn't have favored cheer over drama club, but whatever. When I told her how miserable I'd been she seemed chagrined. But I had tried to tell her. She just wasn't interested in hearing it at the time.

So I encourage you to not try to interpret what your son is saying or excuse it away. Really hear what he's saying. If he says he's not interested that probably means he's not interested. It's really that simple.

[boltnrun]

Also adding, I am not at all athletic. My love of sports unfortunately didn't translate into athletic ability. I tried playing softball but I just wasn't good. I know what I need to do but my body doesn't cooperate lol.

So I am a sports fan but strictly as a spectator.

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But I didn't want to do it. I despised the cattiness and the jealousy (I received hate letters in my locker when I made varsity cheer) and the time commitment and the pressure to conform. I liked the kids in drama club because they were so much more accepting of all types of people. But my mom insisted, resulting in two years of absolute misery. I hated high school mainly because of it and do NOT look fondly back on my school days.

What bothered me the most is my mom didn't HEAR me. She didn't listen. And I interpreted that as her not caring about my feelings. I talked to her about it years later and she said something along the lines of wanting me to have that on my transcript for future college applications. I am fairly certain the colleges wouldn't have favored cheer over drama club, but whatever. When I told her how miserable I'd been she seemed chagrined. But I had tried to tell her. She just wasn't interested in hearing it at the time.

I am so sorry about this -that your mother didn't hear you.  I experienced this type of cattiness a number of times (not related to cheer though).  I get it and I am so sorry and I relate to that feeling of not being heard.  Fortunately with our son both of us work very hard to "hear" him and never dismiss those sorts of feelings or opinions.  A few weeks ago we pulled him out of an extracurricular because of a similar situation meaning not exactly cattiness but feeling excluded and given why he felt that way and what was going on I agreed that ending it was better than remaining (and ironically -like your story -this activity likely would enhance a high school application but still).  

I hear you.

I do remember you describing how you met men because of your natural interest in spectator sports so when you wrote about softball I figured that was related. I get it.  I remember taking a couple of tennis lessons and it's just not gonna happen (and being left handed didn't help as far as teaching approach).

 

[boltnrun]

My parents took the attitude of "you are a child and we are your parents so you will do as we say no matter what". We kids did not get a vote. When we tried to express how we felt we were threatened with being grounded or with privileges being removed. It apparently didn't matter to them if we were miserable as long as they got to brag about their son being the quarterback of the varsity football team or their daughter being a cheerleader.

I caught myself doing the same thing to my son when he went away to college. I wanted him to stay at the school he was in, but he was absolutely miserable. So he did what I perceived initially as a rejection. He applied at a different school close to home and didn't tell me until after he'd been accepted. He announced he was changing schools. I was going to protest at first, but thankfully something gave me a smack across the face. I asked myself "do I want him to stay at that college for him? Or for ME?" The answer was clear. I told myself "stop being a selfish 'b' and let him be happy". I know he would have resented the heck out of me if I'd tried to  "encourage " (read: pressure) him to stay.

Exposing your son to something isn't pressure, so if you want to take him to some theater performances and even take him backstage that isn't a bad idea. But if he still says "no", I'd recommend you let it rest.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I caught myself doing the same thing to my son when he went away to college. I wanted him to stay at the school he was in, but he was absolutely miserable. So he did what I perceived initially as a rejection. He applied at a different school close to home and didn't tell me until after he'd been accepted. He announced he was changing schools. I was going to protest at first, but thankfully something gave me a smack across the face. I asked myself "do I want him to stay at that college for him? Or for ME?" The answer was clear. I told myself "stop being a selfish 'b' and let him be happy". I know he would have resented the heck out of me if I'd tried to  "encourage " (read: pressure) him to stay.

Exposing your son to something isn't pressure, so if you want to take him to some theater performances and even take him backstage that isn't a bad idea. But if he still says "no", I'd recommend you let it rest.

Yes, thank you. Isn't it something how we have to catch ourselves sometimes so history doesn't repeat itself? Also parents have to realize -you are correct-that encouragement can be perceived as pressure, as well as evaluate their motives for encouraging that way.  

[mylolita]

Batya, this post reminds me of this Mighty Boosh sketch!

 

”To the theaterrrrrr!” 🤣

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Oh I love it! Thanks!  

By the way you are gonna be such a cool teen Mom.  My niece started having her babies at 19 - they are under 8 and 3 of them.  I remember when she had the first one (she'd been my mother's helper, part time, for two summers before she got married/had kids) she told me how surreal it was to be a teen mom (her husband was like 21!) - and she was honest about the adjustment to it etc but she really is such a cool mom!  Silly but also wonderful with discipline as needed, etc.  

(Meanwhile our 13 year old's parents are over 100 years old combined.....)

[mylolita]

Sorry to offshoot this Batya but I rarely look at this website on the laptop and when I do, it displays slightly different and I can see you have contributed/posted nearly SIXTY THOUSAND TIMES! Oh my God!!!

I was always really curious about long term and extremely regular posters here what motivates them to keep doing it daily and why? Sorry to de-rail, I just saw everyones contributions in post numbers and it blew me away! I couldn't not splurge it! I'm not even at 2000 - HA! 

This is a serious hobby and calling helping people out isn't it I imagine!

By the way, I hope your son finds his passions. The video game he mentioned seems like one of them, and reading, and his friends! It sounds like he enjoys going to the theatre with you Batya but just maybe not being involved himself for the time bein'!

x

[Batya33]

Yes -been around for about 16 years but still that's a lot of posts for sure -wow! By contrast I'm rarely a thread poster but I have a few of those.  I think -maybe- partly - I'll go with the altruistic "love to help people" but also - I was an avid soap opera watcher for around 15 years or so and -although these are real people it's the same reason I loved soap operas- curious about people's behavior, actions, reactions, what makes them tick.  And over the years I met one poster in person plus a few from the old message board I used to frequent -for a couple of years - (it's defunct now, for many years). 

Also the reasons change over time.  For example as a new mom it was great to have somewhere to "come to" as a safe space if I felt like venting or "emoting" about the major adjustments of newlywedhood, new motherhood, new unemploymenthood and new cityhood -even if I didn't start a thread just knowing I could -well, it helped.  

And because of all the Facebook groups, message boards, etc I've been involved with/read, etc to me this one is the safest because of the way it is moderated and monitored. 

For example when I was trying to conceive I looked a couple of times at some TTC message boards elsewhere and realized I felt too sensitive and fragile to be part of any of them -too risky what I could learn and/or how people might react to loss, disappointment, personal situations.  Same when I was pregnant. Avoided those boards because I would have too quickly gone down the rabbit hole of anxiety.  

And back to the point on moderation -I love that religion and politics are so heavily restricted and monitored.  That would not be for me.  In fact I finally -belatedly -unfollowed a friend of mine on Facebook because her focus on politics and the negativity and hostility of her comments just - too too much. I'd approached her privately several times about those comments -not the political viewpoint but the tone the lashing out, the unfairness in many of them and she dismissed them.  She's lost a lot of friends and followers and is very upset about that.  So - here, I don't have to be concerned about someone from any political belief posting something inappropriate/too harsh etc.  I like that. 

[Lambert]

I think I'd let it go. 13 is still super young to have a serious career aspiration... although it does happen. Some people know what they want to do when they grow up and it actually sticks!

I think the best and most important thing you can do is support whatever interests he has. I think kids can feel pressure from adults. for example statements such as "you're going to college". instead of inspirating the kid to study hard and get into a good school, a wall is created.  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think I'd let it go. 13 is still super young to have a serious career aspiration... although it does happen. Some people know what they want to do when they grow up and it actually sticks!

I think the best and most important thing you can do is support whatever interests he has. I think kids can feel pressure from adults. for example statements such as "you're going to college". instead of inspirating the kid to study hard and get into a good school, a wall is created.  

Thanks! I'm sorry if I wasn't clear -this has nothing to do with a future career -I can see where it came across that way. I think he is a natural so I'd like him to take lessons/get involved in a theater production as an extracurricular activity -I'd be shocked if it became more than that nor is that why I would want him to. 

Yes I totally agree with being careful with what messages we give our kids (he's been talking about college plans for probably 5 years now so for now that is a goal of his).  

[Batya33]

Thanks everyone for all the helpful input, advice and interesting discussion (including your own teenage memories-brought back mine, too!) -I think I know what to do now as much as any parent can.  Feel free to post comments of course but wanted to share that.