No sympathy/empathy/feeling

[Lemon2422]

Hi all,

My husband is quite an aloof character, he would do anything for anyone but really struggles to talk about his feelings. He has suffered depression for many years and at the moment isn't taking any medication.  

Lately I have noticed him becoming increasingly disinterested in everything really. I was trying to help him with something last night and he put obstacles in the way. When I tried calmly to explain the reasons why something couldn't happen the way he expected he just said he didn't want to hear anyway. 

When people interrupt him in conversation, he really can't tolerate it. A couple of weeks back, he did this very thing to a mutual friend. The friend eventually had enough and commented to my husband that he was finding it hard to have a conversation due to being interrupted. Since that day, he cannot see he was doing wrong. He keeps saying this friend had no right to patronise him and how rude he was. I don't agree, I think the friend had every right to say something. 

Today I had a small accident, fell and injured myself. Thankfully not seriously but painful for sure. I text my husband to tell him. Everyone else around me constantly asked if I was OK. His reaction on text was to call me clumsy. Then said nothing broken then so not serious. At no point did he ask if I was ok. I did mention this during this evening and he couldn't see the big deal. 

Given the examples above I'm finding it more and more difficult to deal with as there seems to be no sense of reality or other people. If anyone has any advice or comments I'm open to hear them! 

Thank you 

[Seraphim]

He sounds seriously depressed and need to be evaluated. I am sorry he didn’t have empathy for you. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this—sounds very hard. 

How long have you two been married? Is the side of him outlined in your post an exception, or the rule, in terms of how his general disposition? Have there been any recent life changes—kids, kids leaving home, job loss, new job, etc.—that could be contributing to his mood. I ask just to try to understand everything in the larger context. 

Sorry again—for the fall yesterday, and for the emotional turmoil you're dealing with. It seems that, sooner than later, you're going to need to really spell out these larger concerns, as they are affecting your spirit and your marriage. What you've outlined is not a sustainable place, and I hope there's a way to get him on board with that truth. 

[moodindigo91]

You said he is not currently on medication. Has he ever been on medication? It sounds like he could be clinically depressed, and possibly also suffering from other possible mental ailments, such as sociopathy. I know this seems dramatic, but either way, your husband should see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. 

It can be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone like your husband (as I'm sure you are well aware), so I hope you have a good support system outside of your husband! 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Lemon2422 said:

  not seriously but painful for sure. I text my husband to tell him. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How old is he? Unfortunately your husband does seem depressed and is choosing not to get treated. It would be best to not discuss that with him unless you can gently suggest he see his physician for an overall check-up.

As far as his response to your text, while dismissive, perhaps if it's not an emergency, you can wait to discuss the days events over dinner rather than text nonemergency info throughout the day.

[smackie9]

Have you approached him to seek out treatment? How many times? Was it recently? Have you given him an ultimatum, a deadline? 

[Coily]

With him being generally disinterested, how old is he? Does he have hobbies or sources of stimulation?

While he may be depressed, he may also lack a direction in life and something to feel energized about. He may feel trapped in cycles that, while possibly not clinical depression may be a malaise.

How do others treat him, and does he feel put upon?

A professional may indeed be needed, but has been able to confide in you or a close friend without being handed duties and tasks to "fix" him?

[SooSad33]

Sorry you are experiencing such challenges with your hubby 😕 .  Yes, can be quite frustrating.. But, until they realize 'their own faults' and want to work on correcting or seeking help ( prof etc), not a lot you can do.

HE needs to see & realize his behaviour.  If he's making a mockery of himself, that's his own doing. ( I have an ex like this and sadly, many feel he refuses to seek help in any form - meanwhile he's losing friends... but, this is on him).  The kids have basically given up on him, finding him very immature at times & an embarassment) 😕 

Not sure- may come to a point, where you can confront him and give an ultimatum, that he consider getting some help, medicated, etc.. or else ( you can't take this behaviour forever...?)

 

[catfeeder]

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and also about your injury. Depressed people are generally not good relationship material. One symptom of depression is self consciousness, which turns into self involvement, which turns others away, which solidifies reclusiveness, which drills a vicious cycle.

Can you get him into treatment?