After 8 years he has broken off with me

[Wasp]

We have been together for 8 years, and he has proposed a year prior. We have been arguing quite often, we work together, and with the pandemic and everything else it has been incredibly stressful. We drifted apart, and intimacy was scarse too. But i knew i loved him, i we never cheated on each other. It s hard for me to open up, but for him i would have done everything. Things started to be even more stressful with having a car accident, having the car written off, his parents putting pressure on him constantly with the wedding it all seemed to spiral. My attachment type is anxious, and I see, to always be afraid to hurt him, so it seems I am always ready to run, and I have said to him we should break up, but i never meant it, and we never went through until now. He broke me, and like everyone else that has no control over emotions i tried talking to him, pleaded.

After 2 weeks of him not seeing me, but briefly talking as we have a flat, and a cat and things together, he told me he has developed feelings for my best friend. My so called best friend, offered him a room, and consolation while i received none of it. He seems angry with me, than warm, than cold again.  Needless to say, I am in a mess and have no idea where and how to move forward. He keeps saying we are not compatible, and yet I am confused by the concept. We did things together, we like same foods, and movies, games and traveling.

There was never any pressure with him to get married to me, i never asked and I never felt the need to look for anything anywhere else. He said i am career focused while he is not, but I don t feel i am . I do what i do out of curiosity, and pleasure and in my mind progress will happen when it s meant to be. All i ever wanted was for us to have enough to enjoy life, and my priorities were not revolving around money. I offered him tremendous amounts of support, and encouraged him always to pursue his dreams. He would talk to me about what he wants to do or not, and unless it was something that we could not afford, i never stopped him.  He has been angry, and said all these years he only showed me love, but I have loved him too. Is my inability to show so clearly what stopped our progress? I asked him to go therapy with me as he seems very depressed, and low, and down. He refused. I got myself an appointment to deal with my anger management issues. I want to fix myself, not only for him but for myself too. 

But i feel so lost, and like all these years have been in vain. I love him, and he now has feelings for my ex best friend.  Any advice?

 

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, Wasp said:

he told me he has developed feelings for my best friend. My so called best friend, offered him a room, and consolation while i recieved none of it.

What a deplorable pair of human beings. Both of them.

I know its hard to think like this now. But consider yourself lucky that you are no longer with the person who dumps you after 8 years for your so called best friend. Its a blessing in disguise.

Work on yourself. You are already going to therapy so continue that. Focus on other stuff. Your career, hobbies, whatever you can. In time you will realize how much you dont need him and be ready to move on.

As for him and so called best friend, let them go. Both of them. Dont let them into your life even if they beg for it. They both made their own bed, let them sleep in it. What he told you is mostly just excuses. You know that you gave yourself there and that it didnt worked out because of him, not because of you. In time, and maybe through therapy, you will realize that too. So, just cut both of them and dont give them the time of the day ever again. Take care.

[Wasp]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am trying, in the span of a day i have decided to move town altogether. I cannot stay and watch them play house. He says she is not aware of his feelings for her, but i doubt it. I told him how much it bothers me that they talk so often, and spend time together so much. He feels like he can no longer be himself with me, but apparently with her he can. She never put any boundaries either, and i said that to her. Her response was to they grew close as they worked toghether more, but nothing else is between them. Even now, i know they are talking and texting constantly. I asked her so many times to make an instagram so i can send her things, she never made one; well now she did. 

I feel hurt, and betrayed, and torn apart. I was even looking if he would ever come back to me...

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Wasp said:

He keeps saying we are not compatible, and yet I am confused by the concept. We did things together, we like same foods, and movies, games and traveling.

Yet you:

1 hour ago, Wasp said:

have been arguing quite often, we work together, and with the pandemic and everything else it has been incredibly stressful. We drifted apart, and intimacy was scarse too.

There's definitely incompatibility and issues that you rather not face.

 

1 hour ago, Wasp said:

, he told me he has developed feelings for my best friend. My so called best friend, offered him a room, and consolation

Damn, how trashy of both of them. I hope your "best friend" is now EX best friend. Talk about a stab in the back!!

And you want him back??

Honey, I'm sorry. I feel your pain. Breakups are hard. But, you need to realize that this relationship is not as great or healthy as you thought it was.

Please remain in low contact with him and don't let him take any of your time nor attention anymore.

You are worthy and you deserve better. With time, distance, self-compassion, new hobbies and therapy, you will rebuild your happiness without him. You will emerge stronger and wiser for your next partner. So focus on bringing joy to yourself.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Wasp said:

He keeps saying we are not compatible

He's saying this to alleviate himself of the guilt for doing this:

3 hours ago, Wasp said:

he has developed feelings for my best friend. My so called best friend, offered him a room,

This person is not your friend. No doubt this was going on behind your back and she knew he was going to break up with you. Maybe they didn't physically cheat but you can be sure they've been getting closer for a while had planned for him to stay with her after ending it with you. 

Having said that, if you two had been arguing a lot and your default was threatening to break up with him, it is also clear that your relationship with him was falling apart anyway. He chose an awful way to end it, but it seems that it did need to end, and was already headed in that direction. 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You are going to better off without either of these people in your life. 

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, Wasp said:

I am always ready to run, and I have said to him we should break up, but i never meant it,

I'm surprised people are ignoring this and are instead blaming him.

How many times did you threaten to break up with him?

4 hours ago, Wasp said:

I have loved him too. Is my inability to show so clearly what stopped our progress?

You were "unable" to show him you loved him?

4 hours ago, Wasp said:

I got myself an appointment to deal with my anger management issues.

What were these issues? Did you take your anger out on him?

I feel he tried for 8 years and finally had enough. Can you please clarify these points?

[Wasp]

Hi Boltrun 

As I said, my attachment is anxious, and I have a tendency to feel very defeated quickly, and bolt. I never did though, and I did not threathen him, at least I never wanted too. With al the preassure he seemed to have, and I seemed to go through sometimes I felt like i could not breathe for panic. His parents are also very possesive, and he has told me some very personal things which made me angry on his behalf. And it would really upset me how he would live in his past, and think of all the things he did not do because of them. Hence our arguments and me saying we should break up. 

My inability to show him i loved him; i am/ became relatively closed off as family and friend did not make my life easy nor his. So i tend to come across as cold; i can t pick up on jokes a lot, or sarcasm. I became better, but i still feel like i don t easily show people i care for them in the right way. 

I did hope my actions, my support with everything he likes or dislikes, and being in his corner at all times, would show him how much I love him. 

Yes, I did take my anger on him, but not only him. I was snappy, and alof, and irascible and overall very stressed with what was happening in my life. It was hard for me to calm down and breathe. He wanted to make me smile, and cheerful, and I was but he thought I was unahppy. So i believe i did not show him properly.

He probably did try for 8 years, and has had enough... I don t blame him, I really can t. But I know I have loved him and still do, and I never wanted to hurt him. I was willing to work for this, and I have spoken to him about it in the past. 

I don t know......i know I messed up...I really do...it takes two to tango, and I came here for advice and help.

[boltnrun]

41 minutes ago, Wasp said:

Hi Boltrun 

As I said, my attachment is anxious, and I have a tendency to feel very defeated quickly, and bolt. I never did though, and I did not threathen him, at least I never wanted too. With al the preassure he seemed to have, and I seemed to go through sometimes I felt like i could not breathe for panic. His parents are also very possesive, and he has told me some very personal things which made me angry on his behalf. And it would really upset me how he would live in his past, and think of all the things he did not do because of them. Hence our arguments and me saying we should break up. 

My inability to show him i loved him; i am/ became relatively closed off as family and friend did not make my life easy nor his. So i tend to come across as cold; i can t pick up on jokes a lot, or sarcasm. I became better, but i still feel like i don t easily show people i care for them in the right way. 

I did hope my actions, my support with everything he likes or dislikes, and being in his corner at all times, would show him how much I love him. 

Yes, I did take my anger on him, but not only him. I was snappy, and alof, and irascible and overall very stressed with what was happening in my life. It was hard for me to calm down and breathe. He wanted to make me smile, and cheerful, and I was but he thought I was unahppy. So i believe i did not show him properly.

He probably did try for 8 years, and has had enough... I don t blame him, I really can t. But I know I have loved him and still do, and I never wanted to hurt him. I was willing to work for this, and I have spoken to him about it in the past. 

I don t know......i know I messed up...I really do...it takes two to tango, and I came here for advice and help.

While it's lousy that he is apparently taking up with your so called friend, it may be a case of your efforts being too little too late.

I presume he's told you more than once that your talks of breaking up, your inability to show him love and your anger and snapping at him were upsetting him. But if you did nothing about it in eight years it's not surprising he's not particularly eager to give you even more time.

I think removing yourself from the situation and attending counseling to work on your issues are great ideas. Even if it doesn't result in him wanting to reconcile, learning how to relate better to others is a good thing.

[Wasp]

Thank you, I will continue to work on my issues, and how to better relate with others. We shall see in time what happens.

[smackie9]

Don't be hard on yourself...sometimes we are with someone that brings out the worst in us, leaving us insecure/confused/frustrated, and we lose control of our emotions/ lose sight of normalcy. He's right you two are not compatible. Now that you are out of it, you will see you need someone that brings out the best in you, encourages you in life, gives you positive support, caring/loving, respect. That will bring you joy/happiness. You will know it when you find it. 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, Wasp said:

I offered him tremendous amounts of support, and encouraged him always to pursue his dreams. He would talk to me about what he wants to do or not, and unless it was something that we could not afford, i never stopped him.  He has been angry, and said all these years he only showed me love, but I have loved him too. Is my inability to show so clearly what stopped our progress? I asked him to go therapy with me as he seems very depressed, and low, and down. He refused. I got myself an appointment to deal with my anger management issues. I want to fix myself, not only for him but for myself too. 

But i feel so lost, and like all these years have been in vain. I love him, and he now has feelings for my ex best friend. 

Yeah, you two have been involved for 8 yrs... I doubt he has the ability to have anything meaningful with your (ex) friend.  I feel he's just reaching out, for anything that'll give him some attention, it'll end in time.

He does sound pressured with a lot, therefore is freaking out 😕 .

Then, you just leave him to it.  Let him work through his stuff.

Now, you focus on you and work through yours.  And don't do it for him, do it for you! Nothing much more you can do for him.

I am sorry things have come to this .. I know it all hurts.  You are both hurting. So, let things settle and do what YOU must for now.

If things can & do improve and you two do feel this can be salvaged, you can consider trying to work it all out.. But, it may not, so don't jump to conclusions.  Just start by working on yourself.

One day at a time .